The Presidential Primary Holiday Spectacular!

[The Witch]

Hello all! Every year I write a number of parody Christmas/holiday carols based on whatever I'm interested in at the time. This year is super-special because we have a big election coming up next year, so I'm pleased and proud to present to you my

Presidential Primary Holiday Spectacular!

(to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Hillary, Hillary,
That’s all I have heard
Even the Republicans
Can’t stop saying that word!

Hillary, Hillary,
Goes by her first name
But that isn’t sexist
Because Rudy does the same.

Back in Ohio,
In 2004,
We’d not lose again,
Democrats all swore.

But the pundits sing,
“She can’t win this fight,”
Never even mentioning
The name of one who might.

So, Hillary, Hillary,
You know that I care
If you are the nominee
I’ll fight for you, I swear!

But Hillary, Hillary,
Please just tell me true
That you know that, like that dress,
Real Democrats are blue!



(to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming to Town)
Oh, you better not shout
You better not cry
Or you’ll get punched out
By this crazy guy
John McCain is coming to town

He’s got a short fuse
We saw it the day
He found out the news
His sweaters were “gay”
John McCain wears nothing but brown!

He sees you there, al Qaeda,
He knows you’re in Iraq.
So don’t tell him it’s time to leave
Or he might just attack.

Oh, you may be a Dem,
But vote for the man,
Cuz “Holy Joe” says
He’s bipartisan.
If you don’t, he’ll have a breakdown!



(to the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
Dennis, the red-faced hopeful
Had a very tiny chance
Cause when the pundits saw him
They laughed so hard they wet their pants

All of the other hopefuls
Trying for 2008
They’d never let poor Dennis
Have a say in their debate!

When he met Ron Paul online
Dennis had to say,
“Ron Paul, your fundraising’s great!
Won’t you be my running mate?”

Then they went off together
To a place where tall they stand.
And they were just elected
Presidents of Munchkinland!



(To the tune of Hannukah Oh Hannukah)

Monica, oh Monica,
Come back to the fore-ah
We’re so sorry that we ever
Called you a whore-ah

Now we’ve got a deficit
A war in Iraq
We’d give Bush a BJ
Just to get your boss back!

Monica, oh Monica
Wherever you are-ah
We miss when our leader’s sins
Involved a cigar-ah

We long for the days when
Our troubles were less
We will even give you gelt
To buy a new blue dress!


Then of course there are such classics as “Jingle Barack,” “Rudy Got Run Over By a Scandal,” and “Mitt! The Hired Aliens Sing…” but never mind them.

here is the piece d’resistance…


The 12 Days of Campaigning
(or, An Iowa caucus-goer reflects on the primary experience)

The first ‘08 candidate
I happened to see
Was a mayor named Giuliani

The second ‘08 candidate
I came here to see
Says she’s in to win
She’s a lady they call Hillary

The third ‘08 candidate
I could (barely) see
Was Ron Paul
(He’s a little strange,
But the Internet thinks he’s funky.)

The fourth ‘08 candidate
I wanted to see
Was a Mormon—that’s
L.D.S.
(No, he has one wife)
And his name is the Mitt-ster, Romney.

The fifth ‘08 candidate
I’m lucky to see
OPRAH endorse!
Obama’s here too,
but who cares?
She’s someone who has
More power than the presidency.

The sixth ‘08 candidate
I’m yawning to see
Fred “Forrest” Thompson—
He talks so slow!
Doesn’t make much sense,
Seems so bored,
He should go back home
And continue to act on TV.

The seventh ‘08 candidate
I’m dying to see
Is Johnny Edwards
He’s running again
God, he’s so cute!
Loved him in ‘04,
He’s moved left—
He would surely win
If he gets to be the nominee.

The eighth ‘08 candidate
I’m crying to see
Hates all abortion,
Never cared for science,
Thinks we’re all Christians…
First in the polls!?!?!?
How’d he manage that?
What the hell?
Mitt’s blowing his top
But the Far Right just (hearts) Huckabee.

The ninth ‘08 candidate
I’m laughing just to see
Wants to end the drug war
Get our boys back stateside
Do a bunch of weirdness
I’ve nearly forgotten
(Where’d this guy go?)
You remember him?
Mike Gravel,
Sure that he would win
But we haven’t seen his face lately.

The tenth ‘08 candidate
I’m burning to see
Tends to go bonkers
Thinks he’s a mav’rick
Lieberman loves him
Doesn’t want torture
But he likes bombing?
Can’t catch a break!
Maybe if it was
Five years back
He would have a chance
But McCain is too senile for me.

The eleventh ‘08 candidate
I’m flipped out to see
Loves to hear himself talk
Just ask any colleague
He can say a mouthful
Without even breathing
Kind of like I’m doing
Now I’m gonna stop and
Name Joe Biden!
Seriously, he
Won’t shut up.
If you watch C-SPAN
I have no doubt that you will agree.

The other ‘08 candidates
I’ll mention briefly:
Richardson: great ads;
Kucinich: tiny;
Tancredo: dropped out;
Brownback: yeah, ditto;
Colbert: was joking;
Chris Dodd: he isn’t?;
LET’S DRAFT AL GORE!
What a crazy time,
But great fun…
Can’t wait till ‘08
But for now, enjoy the primary!