The Onion: Holiday retailers court the Dicktard demographic-too funny

[izzybeans]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/56017

up for general discussion, given it it 'tis the season

snips
The advertising blitz before the holiday shopping season seems to come earlier and earlier, and this year is no exception, with more retailers than ever seeking to tap into the seemingly limitless spending power of the highly desirable dicktard demographic.

"Since Thanksgiving, the advertising industry has spent over $1 billion to influence what American dicktards, asswipes, and cock-knobs will put under their Christmas trees," Merrill Lynch retail analyst Barbour Scott said. "By the third week in December, that number is expected to quadruple, as the courting process intensifies for the gnat-like attention of these witless lamebrains."

Dicktard spending dollars, as well as those of the smaller but ever more important dickweed and dipstick market segments, can mean the difference between a fourth-quarter boom or bust for major retailers.

"The major chains can no longer just stock their shelves and expect the dicktards to come pouring in," Scott said. "They need to be told where to go and what to buy—10 million NASCAR toilet seats don't sell themselves."

[ixion]

1. *snicker*

:rofl:

[AX10]

2. Country, NASCAR, Bible Thumping, and everthing else "southern"...

I'll pass.

[izzybeans]

4. nascar is southern only?

Huh?

This is critique of mindless consumption. Whatever references to "country" and "bible thumping" you think are there are not.

[lectrobyte]

9. I don't care who you are, this here's funny:

[Mojambo]

12. And I'm able to check my father off my Xmas shopping list... n/t

[Kelly Rupert]

3. Hilarious.

[rurallib]

5. Gosh - am I a dicktard, asswipe, cock-knob, dickweed or dipstick?

Now I don't know what to do? How can I tell? This is the worst crisis I have had since trying to stop saying Happy holidays. O My God.

[izzybeans]

6. It is the crisis of our times.

[Fierce]

7. This would have been funnier

if it hadn't used "tard" as an insult. The Onion ain't what it used to be.

[Mojambo]

8. Dicktard. That's a keeper. n/t

[lectrobyte]

10. Yeah, I was sure Cheney was involved in this somewhere.

[kiahzero]

11. I prefer "fucktard." (n/t)

[Mojambo]

13. I like Fucktard as well, but it's nice to be able to mix it up a little. n/t