Is DU creative enough to help? i need some good REPUBLICAN/ BUSH JOKES

[Jeffersons Ghost]

I live in a Red State and we never hear the really funny Bush/Republican jokes in the deep south. Cheney, Rummy, NSA or evesdropping jokes are acceptable, as well. With his polls so low, there must be TONS of jokes out there. Do you know any funny ones?

[Cleetus]

1. no problem

Do a google on "bush jokes", you'll get hundreds of hits.

Here's my favorite, composed of actual chimpy quotes:


Make the Pie Higher

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

[Jeffersons Ghost]

3. several are really funny, thanks but which pie?

this one?

[PurgedVoter]

2. A deserter, a traitor and a war profiteer all walk into a bar,

The bartender asks, "Will you be by yourself Mr. President, or will Mr. Rove and Mr. Cheney be with us too?

[Jeffersons Ghost]

26. this one is better than many that I've given silly awards for and ALL ARE

APPRECIATED and equally useful in helping win in NOV. tell them everywhere it's reasonable to tell jokes folks and THANKS.

YOU ALL have the heart and courage of:

[Kikosexy2]

4. Joke of the day...

What would you get if Halle Berry married actor Richard Burton (if he was still alive)? Halle Burton (Halliburton)...har, har....okay real bad...so sue me!

[Jeffersons Ghost]

28. anyone telling a joke that BAD get's the old yeller award for courage

FOR SURE!

[Kikosexy2]

34. In honor of ..

Halle Berry...I'm crying endlessly right now..my mascara is running...and I'm awaiting a kiss from Adrien Brody...well not him please...not my type...Old Yeller award...I'm so honored!

[Jeffersons Ghost]

40. I WAS GOING TO POST IT HERE BUT IT'S JUST TOO DARK FOR ALL THE JOKES

it wasn't preplanned as the term implies but I think still qualifies as an "experiment."
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x1337143

Can you see why I need help with jokes?

Jokes sell ideas and change hearts but what is the light of humor worth without the darkness of reality?

[MindPilot]

5. Just take any ethnic slur joke and substitute "republican"

Example: How do you break a republican's finger? Punch him in the nose.

Actually I kind of like the story about the little girl with the box of kittens:

Dick Cheney: Hi little girl, what's in the box?

Little Girl: Kittens. Want one?

DC: What kind of kittens are they?

LG: Republican.

DC: I'll be back tomorrow.

Dick returns the next day with the president.

DC: Check it out George--republican kittens!!

LG: No, they are democratic kittens.

DC: But yesterday you said they were Republican.

LG: Yes, but today they have their eyes open.


edit for spelling and stuff.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

7. that's a good one! but not quite good enough for my esteemed award

the best joke wins the world-renowned yellow-dog award: here it is:


on edit: oops that other one had a link and was an ad, sorry

[jeff30997]

6. How the Bush Administration Changes a Light Bulb

How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Light Bulb Change Accomplished;

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

10. these are VERY good; here's the first award!

but not the MAIN award.

[jeff30997]

24. Thank you for the award!

I would like to thank my mom,my dad and my dog for their support.:)

[Jeffersons Ghost]

47. you're welcome but you forgot to thank your agent.

now, please thank your favorite DHS agent who's lurking at DU.

[unpossibles]

8. Bush wakes up on Christmas eve and sees a ghost

..it's the ghost of George Washington, who tells him, "George....be like I am, and the people will love you. Always tell the Truth!"

Bush goes back to sleep only to reawaken to the ghost of Thomas Jefferson, who says, "George...Be like me and the people will love you. Always remember that Freedom is a universal right for all people!"

Sweating now, Bush finally falls back asleep to be awoken by the ghost of Abe Lincoln.

"What do you want?" Bush asks him.

Lincoln points and says, "George... be like me and the people will love it. Go to the Theatre...."

[Jeffersons Ghost]

12. LOL, we've got another winner! send Bushy-boy directions to Ford Theater

[unpossibles]

9. What's the difference between a porcupine and the RNC?

a porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

[coalition_unwilling]

31. That's my favorite one by far (so far) -- n/t

[Ian David]

11. Republicans believe in a government just small enough...

to fit in your bedroom.

Log Cabin Republicans believe in gay marriage... just so long as the vows are in English.

People who still support the pResident are the "Backwash Republicans."

[Hoping4Change]

13. Here's one.

I just heard a joke that I think is hilarious and there's no reason why I can't do a lil ol bit of editorializing to accommodate your request. So here goes.


At his yearly checkup Bush tells his doctor that he keeps letting go of really big farts that don't smell. "Well I can examine you but I don't think there's much I can do." replied the physician. So Bush drops his pants and bends over. As the doctor is examining him, George lets go a big one.
The doctor stands up and says "Well Mr President its good you came in. You need to see a specialist."

"Oh my what kind of specialist" asks George visibly shaken.

"Ears, Nose and Throat." replied the doctor.

[Ian David]

14. Bush's Story of Tragedy

Bush's Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

More:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokebushtragedy.htm

[Jeffersons Ghost]

17. LOLOLOLOL we have another winner! too funny

[tocqueville]

15. George and the flatulent horse

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

[Jeffersons Ghost]

51. LOL a winner

[originalpckelly]

16. I have never been able to figure out why Republicans hate gay people...

they are usually the ones with six foot Poles up their asses.

[madinmaryland]

18. Here you go.....

Three boys are out in a rowboat on a lake, enjoying a summer afternoon. A speedboat roars past them, hits some chop, and a man is thrown overboard. The boat speeds on like nothing has happened, while the man is flailing about in the water. The boys swing into action, dive into the water and pull the man onto their boat. They perform CPR and get him breathing again. After the man stops choking he says, "Boys, you might not recognize me but I'm President George W. Bush. You've performed a great service to your country today, and as a reward, I want to give you anything that the leader of the free world can. Tell me what you want,"

The boys look at each other for a moment and the first boy says, "Well, Mr. President, I would really like to go to West Point," and W says "Good choice! Consider it done!"

The second boy says, "Well, Mr. President, I'd like a vacation for my family and my girlfriend's family to Disneyworld and Universal Studios in Orlando," and W says "Hey, my brother's governor of Florida, I think we can make that happen!"

The third boy looks kind of sad and says, "All I want, Mr. President, is a plot at Arlington," W looks at the boy quizzically and says, "That's not a problem, but you're so young to be thinking about death. Are you sick, son?" and the boy says, "No sir, but when my dad finds out who I saved he's going to kill me!"

[madinmaryland]

19. Here's another....

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

[Ian David]

20. I KNOW that NONE of you have EVER heard THIS one...

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

More:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokebushbrazilian.htm



See also:

Reload this Page The Brazillian Joke Competition:
http://www.democraticwarrior.com/forum/showthread.php?t=416

[Ladyhawk]

59. I was waiting for that. :) n/t

[maxrandb]

21. Here's a couple

Kinda-Sleazy Rice is giving the Pretzledent a briefing one morning, and says; "Sir, we recently got some bad news from Iraq". "It appears that 12 Brazillion troops were killed by a road side bomb late last night".

The pretzledent, looking grim, turns to Kinda-Sleazy and says; "Oh man! That's terrible"...then he turns to Dick and whispers; "how many's a Brazillion"?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you get when you cross a Republican with a pig?
A. Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What's the difference between George Bush and Jane Fonda?
A. Jane Fonda went to Vietnam

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How can you tell a Republican's been on your computer?
A. There's white-out all over the screen.

[Renew Deal]

22. Look around in here

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=110

[Minnesota_Lib]

23. Bush In Hell (my favorite)

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this," as he eagerly ripped his clothes off.

The devil smiled and said "OK, George Bush, you've made your choice."

"Monica, you're free to go."

[tocqueville]

27. Fishing Contest Between Kerry and Bush

from L. Shanline

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final win ner.

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way to settle things. The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote, cold, icey lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, Kerry. returns to the headquarters and he has 10 fish. Soon, Bush, who has answers to everything, but no plan, returns and has zero fish.

Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day. At the end of the 2n d day Kerry comes in with 20 fish and Bush comes in again with none.

That evening, Dole gets together secretly with Bush and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Dole says to Bush, "Well, what about it? Is Kerry. cheatin?'"

"He sure is, he's cutting holes in the ice."

[Minnesota_Lib]

36. LOL

[Jeffersons Ghost]

44. LOL an award for this funny one!

[wordpix2]

63. ahahahaha

[Jeffersons Ghost]

42. OMG too damn funny a TOP YELLOW DOG AWARD!

finally a reverse Monica joke!

[Jeffersons Ghost]

52. lol, i like it too. here's your award

[Rocknrule]

62. ROFLMFAO

:rofl:

[Tiggeroshii]

25. I've seena Brazillian lately... n/t

[Hubert Flottz]

29. Don't Stink And Drive!

Bush and Bill Clinton go out drinking and after several good strong doubles, Dumbya gets so plastered out of his gourd, that he can hardly walk, let alone drive home, so Bill volunteers to give the chimp a ride home.

They get into Bill's car and by the time Bill pulls off the parking lot, Dumbya is passed out cold in the front seat. Bill heads across town to drop the chimp off at his place and passes a fire truck with it's siren blasting and it wakes dumbya up from his alcoholic stupor.

The shrub notices right away, that while he was passed out, he has puked all over himself and he becomes wide awake and in a panic. "Oh My Freakin' Gawd," he exclaims, "Laura is going to kill me for getting drunk and messing up my brand new shirt she bought me, just this morning!"

Bill sez, "Hey George just calm down a minute and let's think this thing out!"

Bill thinks for a couple of minutes, as he listens to Bush whine and sob about the "BIG" trouble he's in.

Finally Clinton thinks of a plan and he tells W, "Here is what you need to do George...Take that big wad of cash out of your pocket and peel off a twenty dollar bill and put the twenty dollars in your nasty assed shirt pocket. Then, when you get home, you tell Laura that I got dog drunk and puked on you and I sent her the twenty dollars to pay for having your shirt cleaned."

Bush sez. "Damn it to Hell Bill, you are one hell of a diplomat, that plan just might work!" So Bush quits sobbing and shaking like a dog shittin' razor blades and he gets out the large wad of cash and he quickly shoves twenty dollars down into his disgusting, stinky, shirt pocket.

Clinton lets the shrub off in front of his house and hauls ass, because he hates reverse domestic violence!

Shrub starts to open the front door and the door flies wide open and the lights all come on, revealing one pissed off first lady, standing there fumingly viewing the stammering, staggering, CiC, with the fire from hell, in her eyes!

Laura screams out, "Why you drunken little bastid, I just knew you'd fallen off the Gawd Damned wagon again. Just look at that expensive new shirt I bought you, just this morning!"

Shrub quickly speaks up in his own defense, "But Pickey Poo, that damned Bill Clinton got drunk as a skunk and puked all over my new shirt! Lookie here darlin', he gave me twenty dollars to pay for washing the stinky shirt!" And Bush reaches into his reeking shirt pocket and hands Laura the money...

Laura looks at the money and sez, "Damn it George, you drunken little weed monkey, there's 40 dollars here, not 20!"

To which George sheepishly replies, "Well Laurakins honey, that damned drunken Bill Clinton, shit my gawd danged pants too!"

[bumblebee1]

30. President Bush meets the Queen

President Bush is meeting with Queen Elizabeth II. The Queen tells him the only way to get anything done is to have good people on staff. She then places a phone call. Prime Minister Blair answers. The Queen asks, "If I am talking about your parents' children and I'm not talking about your brother or sister, who am I talking about?" Prime Minister Blair answers, "That would be me, ma'am." The Queen says, "Very good, Mr Prime Minister. Have a wonderful day."

A week later, Bush is in Washington. He sees Sen. Santorum and says, "Senator Santorum, if I'm talking about your parents' children and I'm not talking about your brother or sister, who am I talking about?" Sen Santorum replies, "I don't know, Mr President. I'll have to get back to you on that one."

Later outside the Senate chambers, Sen Santorum sees Sen Barak Obama. He then asks, "Sen Obama, if I'm talking about your parents' children and I'm not talking about your brother or sister, who am I talking about?"

Sen Boama retorts, "It's me, you dumb cracker!"

Sen Santorum reports back to the President "it's Barak Obama."

President Bush says, "Wrong, you dumbass, it's Tony Blair."

[Irreverend IX]

55. I saw another version of that early into Shrub's administration...

That used Jesse Helms and Colin Powell in place of Santorum and Obama.

[coalition_unwilling]

32. A reality-based joke (with a Southern connection)

Don't know the source for this (it may be apocryphal), but Jesse Helms (former Republican Senator from North Carolina) once said the following on the floor of the U.S. Senate:

"If English was good enough for Jesus, it ought to be good enough for the rest of us."

[Jeffersons Ghost]

45. LOL, are you sure bushy-boy didn't say that?

[coalition_unwilling]

48. It would be fully in keeping with Bushy-boy's character (or lack

thereof), but no I think the honor goes to Jesse Helms. But, try as I might (not very hard), I've never been able to find this remark sourced. Hence, thought it might be apocryphal.

[Hubert Flottz]

33. Bush, Jerry Foulwill and Pat Robertson snuffed out in an accident

They were all out together walking their ducks and got runned over by a motor boat!

[Richard Steele]

35. The "Terrorist Kidnappers Traffic Jam" joke:

A man is stuck in the worst traffic jam he has ever seen.
After awhile, he notices a few people on foot
working their way amongst the stopped vehicles.

When one of them finally reaches him,
he asks "Why are we all stopped? Was there an accident?"

"No, sir, The President's motorcade was attacked by terrorists
a few miles ahead. They've tied him to an overpass,
and are going to douse him in gasoline and light it
unless they get ten million dollars.
Some of us are going car-to-car to take up a collection."

"Wow! How much have people given so far?"

"Almost thirty gallons."

[Brigid]

38. Does it make me a bad person . . .

that I almost fell off my chair laughing at this one? :evilgrin: :rofl:

[Jeffersons Ghost]

41. see how sick I am? that's hilarious to me! lol

[Brigid]

37. Bush was out jogging one day . . .

and while crossing a bridge, stumbled and fell into the river below. Before his Secret Service detail could act, three boys fishing nearby pulled him out.

Bush said, "Boys, thank you very much for saving my life. Now to show my appreciation, I would like to do something special for each one of you. What will it be?"

The first boy said, "I want to go to Disney World."

Bush said, "Fine. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second boy said, "I want a new pair of Air Jordans."

Bus said, "That's easy enough. I'll even get Michael Jordan to autograph them for you."

The third boy said, "I want one of those new motorized wheel chairs with power controls and a killer sound system."

Bush frowned and said, "You don't look like you need a wheel chair."

The boy replied, "I will when my dad finds out I saved you."

:rofl: I kill me! OK, so what prize do I win? :evilgrin:

[yellerpup]

39. A Katrina survivor ended up on a desert island with

A rapist, a serial killer & GBW. She had a gun and she had two bullets so she shot the pResident twice.

[Richard Steele]

43. George W Bush walks into a BAR...

*thud* OUCH!

[BlueStorm]

46. These are all good jokes...

Am I being bad when I say that I am laughing my ass off?

Blue

[coalition_unwilling]

49. I forgot another great one -- W's response to Hurricane Katrina?

He declared a "Global War on Hurricanes." At his press conference announcing the GWOH, W said, "You're either with us or with the weather."

[Jeffersons Ghost]

50. you know, that one REALLY does sound like something he'd say

but please tell the truth, not even His Royal Chimpness is that stupid, is he? You made it up to be funny and for making up the funniest tall-tale here's the Vice-Presidential Hunting Buddy Reward, THE REPUBLICAN QUAIL:

[NewJeffCT]

53. Robot Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man replied, '150.'

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about football, baseball, the latest movies and so on. The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'

The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?' The man replied, '50.'

The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Bush again?"

[NewJeffCT]

54. Hu's on First (one of my favorites)

Hu's On First

One morning in the Oval Office:

Bush: Condi, nice to see you. What`s happening?

Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

Bush: Great.Lay it on me.

Rice: Hu is the new leader of China.

Bush: That`s what I want to know.

Rice: That`s what I am telling you.

Bush: That`s what I am asking you. Who is the new leader of China.

Rice: Yes.

Bush: I mean the fellow`s name.

Rice: Hu.

Bush: The guy in China.

Rice: Hu.

Bush: The new leader of China.

Rice: Hu.

Bush: The Chinaman!

Rice: Hu is leading China.

Bush: Now whaddya asking me for?

Rice: I`m telling you, Hu is leading China.

Bush: Well, I`m asking you. Who is leading China?

Rice: That`s the man`s name.

Bush: That`s who`s name?

Rice: Yes.

Bush: Will you or will you not tell methe name of the new leader of China?

Rice: Yes Sir.

Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafazt is in China ? I thought he was in the middle East.

Rice: That`s correct.

Bush: Then who is in China?

Rice: Yes Sir.

Bush: Yassir?

Rice: No Sir.

Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the Phone.

Rice: Kofi?

Bush: No, thanks.

Rice: You want Kofi?

Bush: No.

Rice: You don`t want Kofi?

Bush: No. But now that you mention it. I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.!

Rice: Yes Sir.

Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.!

Rice: Kofi?

Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Rice: And call who?

Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N.?

Rice: Hu is the guy in China!

Bush: Will you stay out of China!

Rice: Yes Sir.

Bush: And stay out of the Middle East!!! Just get me the guy at the U.N.!

Rice: Kofi?

Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condoleezza Rice picks up the phone)

Rice: Rice, here.

Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And in the Middle East.

[kiki]

56. - "You and Hu's army?" n/t

[kiki]

57. What's the difference...

...between the Hindenberg and Rush Limbaugh?

One's a gigantic Nazi gas bag... and the other one's the Hindenberg.

(First told by another DUer whose name I don't recall)

[kiki]

58. Why does Tucker Carlson wear a spotted bow tie?

Because he's a fucking asshole.

[kiki]

60. Clinton, the Pope and Fox News

Bill Clinton and the Pope are doing a photo op at New York Harbour. All the press are there, including Fox.

Suddenly, the Pope's hat is blown off his head by a gust of wind and spirals down into the water. Quick as a flash, Clinton vaults over the railings and lands on the surface of the water as if it were solid ground. To the amazement of the crowd, Clenis strolls Jesus-like across the lapping waves and picks up the hat, then walks back and hands it to the stunned pontiff.

The next day, Fox goes with the headline: "Clinton can't swim"!

[Rocknrule]

61. Kerry, Lieberman, and Bush die and go to heaven

God tells them "Before I let you into heaven, you must tell me what you believe."

Kerry says, "I believe in fighting a smarter war on terror"

Lieberman says, "I believe war is good but violent videogames are bad"

And Bush says, "I believe you're sitting in my seat"