Democratic Underground Latest Greatest Lobby Journals Search Options Help Login
Google

here's the closed caption transcript of stephen colbert

Printer-friendly format Printer-friendly format
Printer-friendly format Email this thread to a friend
Printer-friendly format Bookmark this thread
This topic is archived.
Home » Discuss » Archives » General Discussion (01/01/06 through 01/22/2007) Donate to DU
 
GreatCaesarsGhost Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:15 PM
Original message
here's the closed caption transcript of stephen colbert
from tonight. i stopped when the video started.

sorry about the time stamps on each line.


Ok, ladies and gentlemen, our

02:31:52.71,02:31:54.76
last speaker this evening, the

02:31:54.78,02:32:00.40
man with the unenviable job, of

02:32:00.42,02:32:01.84
following two presidents george

02:32:01.85,02:32:04.87
W. Bush has become a sensation

02:32:04.89,02:32:09.18
since his show the colbert

02:32:09.19,02:32:10.98
report debayed last year.

02:32:11.00,02:32:12.25
He's shown america he's not

02:32:12.26,02:32:15.35
only funny, but fearless, he

02:32:15.37,02:32:17.15
will defend the truth whether

02:32:17.17,02:32:18.82
or not it is under attack and

02:32:18.84,02:32:21.26
he will stand up for what is

02:32:21.27,02:32:23.23
right, without fear of mere

02:32:23.24,02:32:28.03
trifles like facts.

02:32:28.05,02:32:31.23
And any between stephen and

02:32:31.25,02:32:33.04
people in this room -- I was

02:32:33.05,02:32:35.50
feeling pleased after signing

02:32:35.52,02:32:37.17
stephen for this dinner, when I

02:32:37.19,02:32:41.24
came across an alarming news

02:32:41.26,02:32:44.68
headline, colbert declares ap

02:32:44.70,02:32:47.32
number one threat facing

02:32:47.33,02:32:47.72
america.

02:32:47.73,02:32:51.29
It seems my company ran a

02:32:51.30,02:32:55.29
profile for failing to credit

02:32:55.31,02:32:58.06
him for the word truthfulness.

02:32:58.08,02:33:02.60
I had a pit in my stomach and I

02:33:02.62,02:33:05.70
emailed my boss and said tom,

02:33:05.72,02:33:07.64
please tell me we're laughing

02:33:07.65,02:33:08.57
about this.

02:33:08.59,02:33:11.34
And he replied yes, we are, of

02:33:11.36,02:33:12.44
course.

02:33:12.46,02:33:14.38
Usual, mr. President, you are

02:33:14.39,02:33:16.08
in the cross behaviors of this

02:33:16.10,02:33:16.71
dinner tonight.

02:33:16.73,02:33:18.18
No one is safe.

02:33:18.20,02:33:20.22
Here with a special edition of

02:33:20.23,02:33:22.89
the colbert report, stephen

02:33:22.90,02:33:23.19
colbert.

02:33:30.04,02:33:32.90
>> Thank you ladies and

02:33:32.91,02:33:33.33
gentlemen.

02:33:33.35,02:33:34.73
Before I begin, I've been asked

02:33:34.75,02:33:37.33
to make an announcement.

02:33:37.35,02:33:40.94
Whoever parked 14 black bullet

02:33:40.95,02:33:42.21
proof S.U.V.'S out front, could

02:33:42.22,02:33:43.61
you please move them.

02:33:43.62,02:33:46.68
They are blocking in 14 other

02:33:46.69,02:33:49.45
black bulletproof S.U.V.'S and

02:33:49.46,02:33:52.45
they need to get out.

02:33:52.47,02:33:55.45
Wow, wow, what an honor.

02:33:55.47,02:33:57.19
The white house sornedents'

02:33:57.20,02:33:57.62
dinner.

02:33:57.64,02:34:00.22
To just sit here, at the same

02:34:00.24,02:34:03.90
table with my hero, george W.

02:34:03.91,02:34:06.03
Bush, to be this close to the

02:34:06.05,02:34:06.40
man.

02:34:06.41,02:34:08.97
I feel like I'm dreaming.

02:34:08.98,02:34:10.20
Somebody pinch me.

02:34:10.22,02:34:12.40
You know what, I'm a pretty

02:34:12.42,02:34:15.27
sound sleeper, that may not be

02:34:15.29,02:34:15.84
enough.

02:34:15.86,02:34:18.04
Somebody shoot me in the face.

02:34:18.06,02:34:18.48


02:34:18.49,02:34:20.61
>> Is he really not here

02:34:20.63,02:34:21.01
tonight?

02:34:21.03,02:34:23.01
The one guy who could have

02:34:23.03,02:34:23.42
helped.

02:34:23.43,02:34:25.65
By the way, before I get

02:34:25.67,02:34:27.92
started, if anybody needs

02:34:27.94,02:34:30.92
anything at their tables, speak

02:34:30.94,02:34:32.52
slowly and clearly on into your

02:34:32.54,02:34:34.19
table numbers and somebody from

02:34:34.21,02:34:35.69
the N.S.A. Will be right over

02:34:35.71,02:34:43.04
with a cocktail.

02:34:43.05,02:34:45.77
Mcsmith, ladies and gentlemen

02:34:45.79,02:34:47.97
of the press corps, mr.

02:34:47.99,02:34:50.31
President and first lady, my

02:34:50.33,02:34:51.98
name is stephen colbert and

02:34:51.99,02:34:53.85
it's my privilege tonight to

02:34:53.86,02:34:56.28
celebrate our president.

02:34:56.30,02:34:58.42
He's no so different, he and I.

02:34:58.43,02:35:00.25
We get it.

02:35:00.27,02:35:01.92
We're not brainbacks on the

02:35:01.94,02:35:03.29
nerd patrol.

02:35:03.31,02:35:04.72
We're not members of the fact

02:35:04.74,02:35:05.79
niece that.

02:35:05.81,02:35:07.46
We go straight from the gut,

02:35:07.48,02:35:08.76
right sir?

02:35:08.78,02:35:10.23
That's where the truth lies,

02:35:10.25,02:35:13.40
right down here in the gut.

02:35:13.42,02:35:15.20
Do you know you have more nerve

02:35:15.22,02:35:16.77
endings in your gut than you

02:35:16.79,02:35:18.70
have in your head?

02:35:18.72,02:35:21.11
You can look it up.

02:35:21.12,02:35:22.91
I know some of you are going to

02:35:22.93,02:35:25.45
say I did look it up, and

02:35:25.46,02:35:27.18
that's not true.

02:35:27.20,02:35:29.25
That's but you looked it up in

02:35:29.27,02:35:31.28
a book.

02:35:31.30,02:35:31.72


02:35:31.73,02:35:33.99
>> Next time look it up in your

02:35:34.00,02:35:34.79
gut.

02:35:34.80,02:35:35.16
I did.

02:35:35.17,02:35:38.43
My gut tells me that's how our

02:35:38.44,02:35:39.33
nervous system works.

02:35:39.34,02:35:42.10
Every night on my show, the

02:35:42.11,02:35:44.46
colbert report, I speak

02:35:44.48,02:35:45.90
straight from the gut, ok?

02:35:45.92,02:35:49.10
I give people the truth,

02:35:49.12,02:35:50.50
unfiltered by rational

02:35:50.52,02:35:51.97
argument.

02:35:51.99,02:35:55.38
I call it the no fact zone.

02:35:55.39,02:35:58.71
Fox news, I own the copyright

02:35:58.73,02:36:01.45
on that term.

02:36:01.47,02:36:04.65


02:36:04.67,02:36:07.35
I'm a simple man with a simple

02:36:07.37,02:36:08.92
mind, with a simple set of

02:36:08.94,02:36:11.46
beliefs that I live by.

02:36:11.48,02:36:13.06
Number one, I believe in

02:36:13.08,02:36:13.59
america.

02:36:13.61,02:36:16.60
I believe it exists.

02:36:16.61,02:36:17.03


02:36:17.05,02:36:19.43
My gut tells me I live there.

02:36:19.45,02:36:21.97
I feel that it extends from the

02:36:21.99,02:36:23.77
atlantic to the pacific, and I

02:36:23.79,02:36:26.37
strongly believe it has 50

02:36:26.39,02:36:26.81
states.

02:36:26.82,02:36:29.64
And I cannot wait to see how

02:36:29.66,02:36:30.61
"the washington post" spins

02:36:30.63,02:36:33.75
that one tomorrow.

02:36:33.77,02:36:35.02
I believe in democracy.

02:36:35.03,02:36:37.45
I believe democracy is our

02:36:37.47,02:36:39.05
greatest export.

02:36:39.07,02:36:41.39
At least until china figures

02:36:41.41,02:36:44.39
out a way to stamp it out in

02:36:44.41,02:36:47.36
plastic for three cents a unit.

02:36:47.38,02:36:49.63
In fact, ambassador, welcome,

02:36:49.65,02:36:51.27
your great country makes our

02:36:51.28,02:36:58.94
happy meals possible.

02:36:58.96,02:37:02.04
I said it's a celebration.

02:37:02.06,02:37:03.45
I believe the government that

02:37:03.46,02:37:05.01
governs best is the government

02:37:05.03,02:37:06.25
that governs least.

02:37:06.26,02:37:08.05
And by these standards, we have

02:37:08.07,02:37:10.59
set up a fabulous government in

02:37:10.60,02:37:12.39
iraq.

02:37:12.40,02:37:13.96


02:37:13.97,02:37:18.73
>> I believe in pulling

02:37:18.74,02:37:20.70
yourself up by your own

02:37:20.71,02:37:21.26
bootstraps.

02:37:21.28,02:37:22.70
I believe it is possible -- I

02:37:22.72,02:37:26.57
saw this guy do it once in

02:37:26.59,02:37:27.74
cirque du soleil.

02:37:27.75,02:37:30.61
It was magical.

02:37:30.62,02:37:33.68
And though I am a committed

02:37:33.69,02:37:34.74
christian, I believe that

02:37:34.76,02:37:37.35
everyone has the right to their

02:37:37.36,02:37:39.95
own religion, be it hindu,

02:37:39.97,02:37:41.58
jewish or muslim.

02:37:41.60,02:37:44.09
I believe our infinite paths to

02:37:44.10,02:37:47.79
accepting jesus christ as your

02:37:47.81,02:37:48.32
personal savior.

02:37:48.34,02:37:50.53


02:37:50.54,02:37:51.73
>> Ladies and gentlemen, I

02:37:51.74,02:37:57.57
believe it's yogurt.

02:37:57.58,02:38:01.10
But I refuse to believe it's

02:38:01.12,02:38:04.14
not butter.

02:38:04.16,02:38:05.91
Most of all I believe in this

02:38:05.93,02:38:06.48
president.

02:38:06.49,02:38:08.45
Now, I know there's some polls

02:38:08.46,02:38:11.05
out there saying this man has a

02:38:11.06,02:38:12.62
32% approval rating.

02:38:12.63,02:38:14.95
But guys like us, we don't pay

02:38:14.97,02:38:15.95
attention to the polls.

02:38:15.97,02:38:18.22
We know that polls are just a

02:38:18.24,02:38:19.62
collection of statistics that

02:38:19.64,02:38:21.89
reflect what people are

02:38:21.91,02:38:24.06
thinking in "reality."

02:38:24.08,02:38:26.30
And reality has a well-known

02:38:26.31,02:38:27.80
liberal bias.

02:38:27.81,02:38:30.47


02:38:30.48,02:38:33.20
>> So, mr. President, pay no

02:38:33.22,02:38:34.07
attention to the people that

02:38:34.09,02:38:36.24
say the glass is half full.

02:38:36.26,02:38:40.24
32% means the glass -- it's

02:38:40.26,02:38:43.05
important to set up your jokes

02:38:43.06,02:38:44.38
properly, sir.

02:38:44.40,02:38:46.15
Sir pay no attention to the

02:38:46.17,02:38:47.79
people who say the glass is

02:38:47.80,02:38:51.29
half empty, because 32% means

02:38:51.31,02:38:52.89
it's 2/3 empty.

02:38:52.91,02:38:55.39
There's still some liquid in

02:38:55.41,02:38:57.43
that glass is my point, but I

02:38:57.45,02:38:58.96
wouldn't drink it.

02:38:58.98,02:39:00.03


02:39:00.05,02:39:04.74
>> The last third is usually

02:39:04.75,02:39:06.60
backwash.

02:39:06.62,02:39:09.11
Folks, my point is that I don't

02:39:09.12,02:39:11.71
believe this is a low point in

02:39:11.73,02:39:12.48
this presidency.

02:39:12.49,02:39:14.51
I believe it is just a lull,

02:39:14.53,02:39:15.91
before a comeback.

02:39:15.93,02:39:21.39
I mean, it's like the movie

02:39:21.40,02:39:21.79
"rocky."

02:39:21.80,02:39:24.12
The president is rockee and

02:39:24.14,02:39:25.32
apollo creed is everything else

02:39:25.34,02:39:27.99
in the world.

02:39:28.01,02:39:29.86
It's the 10th round.

02:39:29.88,02:39:33.93
He's bloodied, his cornerman,

02:39:33.95,02:39:35.60
mic, who in this case would be

02:39:35.62,02:39:36.97
the vice president, and he's

02:39:36.99,02:39:39.34
yelling cut me, dick, cut me,

02:39:39.35,02:39:42.51
and every time he falls she say

02:39:42.52,02:39:43.31
stay down!

02:39:43.33,02:39:45.68
Does he stay down?

02:39:45.69,02:39:46.55
No.

02:39:46.56,02:39:49.25
Like rocky he gets back up and

02:39:49.27,02:39:51.15
in the end he -- actually loses

02:39:51.17,02:39:53.25
in the first movie.

02:39:53.27,02:39:53.59
Ok.

02:39:53.60,02:39:54.92
It doesn't matter.

02:39:54.94,02:39:58.49
The point is the heart warming

02:39:58.51,02:40:00.49
story of a man who was

02:40:00.51,02:40:05.60
repeatedly bunched in the face

02:40:05.61,02:40:07.53
-- punched in the face.

02:40:07.55,02:40:09.84
So don't pay attention to the

02:40:09.85,02:40:11.80
approval ratings that say 68%

02:40:11.82,02:40:13.57
of americans disapprove of the

02:40:13.59,02:40:14.67
job this man is doing.

02:40:14.69,02:40:18.38
I ask you this, does that not

02:40:18.39,02:40:21.05
also logically mean that 68%

02:40:21.06,02:40:23.02
approve of the job he's not

02:40:23.03,02:40:26.22
doing?

02:40:26.24,02:40:28.25
Think about it.

02:40:28.27,02:40:31.79
I haven'T.

02:40:31.81,02:40:33.59
I stand by this man.

02:40:33.61,02:40:36.23
I stand by this man because he

02:40:36.25,02:40:37.10
stabbeds for things.

02:40:37.11,02:40:39.10
Not only for things, he stands

02:40:39.12,02:40:41.00
on things.

02:40:41.02,02:40:42.77
Things like aircraft carriers

02:40:42.79,02:40:45.51
and rubble and recently flooded

02:40:45.52,02:40:47.47
city squares.

02:40:47.49,02:40:50.04
And that sends a strong

02:40:50.06,02:40:50.84
message, that no matter what

02:40:50.86,02:40:52.25
happens to america, she will

02:40:52.26,02:40:54.75
always rebound with the most

02:40:54.77,02:40:57.22
powerfully staged photo ops in

02:40:57.23,02:40:59.52
the world.

02:40:59.54,02:41:01.59
Now, there may be an energy

02:41:01.61,02:41:01.99
crisis.

02:41:02.01,02:41:04.63
This president has a very

02:41:04.64,02:41:05.76
forward-thinking energy policy.

02:41:05.78,02:41:07.39
Why do you think he's down on

02:41:07.41,02:41:09.33
the ranch cutting that brush

02:41:09.35,02:41:10.80
all the time?

02:41:10.81,02:41:13.60
He's trying to create an

02:41:13.62,02:41:15.20
alternative energy source.

02:41:15.22,02:41:20.01
By 2008 we will have a mesquite

02:41:20.02,02:41:21.58
powered car.

02:41:21.59,02:41:23.11
And I just like the guy.

02:41:23.13,02:41:24.35
He's a good joe.

02:41:24.36,02:41:28.52
Obviously loves his wife, calls

02:41:28.53,02:41:29.72
her his better half.

02:41:29.73,02:41:33.75
And polls show america agrees.

02:41:33.77,02:41:35.52
She's a true lady and a

02:41:35.54,02:41:36.49
wonderful woman.

02:41:36.51,02:41:38.16
But I just have one beef,

02:41:38.18,02:41:39.23
ma'am.

02:41:39.24,02:41:41.30
I'm sorry, but this reading

02:41:41.31,02:41:41.76
initiative.

02:41:41.78,02:41:43.83
I've never been a fan of books.

02:41:43.85,02:41:45.23
I don't trust them.

02:41:45.25,02:41:48.10
They're all fact, no heart.

02:41:48.12,02:41:51.57
I mean, they're elitist telling

02:41:51.59,02:41:53.78
us what is or isn't true, what

02:41:53.79,02:41:56.11
did or didn't happen.

02:41:56.13,02:41:58.21
What's britannica to tell me

02:41:58.23,02:42:01.58
the panama canal was built in

02:42:01.60,02:42:02.18
1914.

02:42:02.20,02:42:04.09
If I want to say it was built

02:42:04.10,02:42:06.96
in 1941, that's my right as an

02:42:06.97,02:42:08.02
american.

02:42:08.04,02:42:10.33
I'm with the president, let

02:42:10.34,02:42:11.66
history decide what did or did

02:42:11.68,02:42:12.83
not happen.

02:42:12.85,02:42:14.30
The greatest thing about this

02:42:14.31,02:42:15.70
man is he's steady.

02:42:15.71,02:42:18.33
You know where he stands.

02:42:18.35,02:42:20.40
He believes the same thing

02:42:20.42,02:42:22.64
wednesday, that he believed on

02:42:22.65,02:42:23.91
monday, no matter what happened

02:42:23.92,02:42:24.37
tuesday.

02:42:24.39,02:42:26.78
Events can change, this man's

02:42:26.79,02:42:32.18
beliefs never will.

02:42:32.20,02:42:34.78
And as excited as I am to be

02:42:34.80,02:42:37.02
here with the president, I am

02:42:37.04,02:42:38.62
appalled to be surrounded by

02:42:38.64,02:42:41.02
the liberal media that is

02:42:41.04,02:42:42.76
destroying america, with the

02:42:42.78,02:42:44.39
exception of fox news.

02:42:44.41,02:42:46.56


02:42:46.58,02:42:48.20
>> Fox news gives you both

02:42:48.21,02:42:50.27
sides of every story, the

02:42:50.28,02:42:51.10
president's side and the vice

02:42:51.12,02:42:52.34
president's side.

02:42:52.35,02:42:54.90


02:42:54.92,02:42:56.34
>> But the rest of you, what

02:42:56.36,02:42:59.24
are you thinking, reporting on

02:42:59.26,02:43:01.11
N.S.A. Wiretapping or secret

02:43:01.13,02:43:03.38
prisons in eastern europe?

02:43:03.40,02:43:05.52
Those things are secret for a

02:43:05.53,02:43:09.32
very important reason, they're

02:43:09.34,02:43:09.85
superdepressing.

02:43:09.87,02:43:10.29


02:43:10.30,02:43:12.12
>> And if that's your goal,

02:43:12.14,02:43:13.96
well, misery accomplished.

02:43:13.97,02:43:15.86
Over the last five years you

02:43:15.88,02:43:19.66
people were so good over tax

02:43:19.68,02:43:23.90
cuts, W.M.D. Intelligence, the

02:43:23.92,02:43:25.70
affect of global warms.

02:43:25.72,02:43:26.97
We americans didn't want to

02:43:26.99,02:43:28.57
know, and you had the courtesy

02:43:28.59,02:43:30.34
not to try to find out.

02:43:30.36,02:43:31.88
Those were good times, as far

02:43:31.89,02:43:34.85
as we knew.

02:43:34.86,02:43:36.85
But, listen, let's review the

02:43:36.86,02:43:37.21
rules.

02:43:37.23,02:43:38.68
Here's how it works.

02:43:38.70,02:43:40.18
The president makes decisions,

02:43:40.20,02:43:43.09
he's the decider.

02:43:43.10,02:43:44.59
The press secretary announces

02:43:44.61,02:43:46.96
those decisions, and you people

02:43:46.97,02:43:48.56
of the press type those

02:43:48.58,02:43:49.96
decisions down.

02:43:49.98,02:43:51.30
Make, announce, type.

02:43:51.31,02:43:53.00
Put them through a spell check

02:43:53.01,02:43:54.33
and go home.

02:43:54.35,02:43:55.97
Get to know your family again.

02:43:55.98,02:43:58.30
Make love to your wife.

02:43:58.32,02:44:00.00
Write that novel you got

02:44:00.02,02:44:01.27
kicking around in your head.

02:44:01.29,02:44:04.44
You know, the one about the

02:44:04.46,02:44:05.58
intrepid washington reporter

02:44:05.59,02:44:07.11
with the courage to stand up to

02:44:07.13,02:44:08.15
the administration.

02:44:08.16,02:44:10.15
You know, fiction.

02:44:10.17,02:44:14.49


02:44:14.50,02:44:17.59
>> Because really, what

02:44:17.61,02:44:18.79
incentive do these people have

02:44:18.81,02:44:20.53
to answer your questions, after

02:44:20.54,02:44:21.23
all?

02:44:21.24,02:44:23.93
I mean, nothing satisfies you.

02:44:23.95,02:44:26.00
Everybody asks for personnel

02:44:26.02,02:44:26.47
changes.

02:44:26.48,02:44:28.47
So the white house has

02:44:28.48,02:44:29.43
personnel changes.

02:44:29.45,02:44:31.44
Then you write they're just

02:44:31.45,02:44:33.17
rearranging the deck chairs on

02:44:33.19,02:44:34.27
the titanic.

02:44:34.29,02:44:35.97
First of all, that is a

02:44:35.99,02:44:38.98
terrible metaphor.

02:44:39.00,02:44:40.68
Thised a smgs not sinking.

02:44:40.70,02:44:43.28
This administration is soaring.

02:44:43.30,02:44:45.25
If anything, they are

02:44:45.27,02:44:46.65
rearranging the deck chairs on

02:44:46.67,02:44:49.69
the behinden burg.

02:44:49.71,02:44:50.02


02:44:55.04,02:44:59.17
>> Now, it's not all bad guys

02:44:59.18,02:45:01.13
out there.

02:45:01.15,02:45:06.54
Some heroes, buckley, kim

02:45:06.56,02:45:06.97
schieffer.

02:45:06.99,02:45:08.07
By the way, mr. President,

02:45:08.09,02:45:09.81
thank you for agreeing to be to

02:45:09.83,02:45:10.61
my show.

02:45:10.63,02:45:12.04
I was just as shocked as

02:45:12.06,02:45:13.91
everyone here is I promise you.

02:45:13.93,02:45:16.02
How is tuesday for you?

02:45:16.03,02:45:18.45
I've got frank rich, but we can

02:45:18.47,02:45:19.39
bump him.

02:45:19.40,02:45:22.06
And I mean bump him.

02:45:22.07,02:45:23.19
I know a guy.

02:45:23.21,02:45:24.72
Say the word.

02:45:24.74,02:45:29.63


02:45:29.65,02:45:31.87
>> See who we've got here

02:45:31.88,02:45:32.27
tonight.

02:45:32.28,02:45:34.90
General mowsly, air force chief

02:45:34.92,02:45:35.97
of staff.

02:45:35.99,02:45:38.04
General peter pace.

02:45:38.05,02:45:40.47
They still support rumsfeld.

02:45:40.49,02:45:42.21
You guys aren't retired yet,

02:45:42.23,02:45:42.98
right?

02:45:42.99,02:45:44.85
Right, they still support

02:45:44.86,02:45:47.71
rumsfeld.

02:45:47.73,02:45:49.42
Look, by the way, I've got a

02:45:49.43,02:45:51.35
theory about how to handle

02:45:51.37,02:45:53.09
these retired generals causing

02:45:53.10,02:45:55.86
all this trouble, don't let

02:45:55.87,02:45:57.16
them retire.

02:45:57.17,02:45:59.13
C'mon, we've got a stop loss

02:45:59.14,02:46:01.70
program, let's use it on these

02:46:01.71,02:46:02.20
guys.

02:46:02.21,02:46:04.20
If you're strong enough to go

02:46:04.22,02:46:06.50
on one of those pundit shows,

02:46:06.52,02:46:08.44
you can stand on a bank of

02:46:08.45,02:46:10.00
computers and order men into

02:46:10.02,02:46:11.01
battle.

02:46:11.02,02:46:17.11
C'mon.

02:46:17.13,02:46:20.98
Jesse jackson is here.

02:46:21.00,02:46:22.55
I had him on the show.

02:46:22.57,02:46:23.65
Very interesting and

02:46:23.67,02:46:24.79
challenging interview.

02:46:24.80,02:46:26.59
You can ask him anything, but

02:46:26.60,02:46:28.32
he's going to say what he wants

02:46:28.34,02:46:30.66
at the pace that he wants.

02:46:30.68,02:46:31.26


02:46:31.28,02:46:35.46
>> It's like boxing a glacier.

02:46:35.48,02:46:38.10
Enjoy that metaphor, because

02:46:38.12,02:46:40.90
your grandchildren will have no

02:46:40.92,02:46:44.37
idea what a glacier is.

02:46:44.39,02:46:46.71


02:46:46.73,02:46:48.51
>> Justice scalia's here.

02:46:48.53,02:46:51.51
May I be the first to say

02:46:51.53,02:46:53.22
welcome, sir.

02:46:53.23,02:46:55.35
You look fantastic.

02:46:55.37,02:46:59.39
How are you?

02:46:59.40,02:47:03.99


02:47:04.01,02:47:04.06
>>

02:47:10.05,02:47:17.81
Judge macis here.

02:47:17.82,02:47:18.97
John mccain john mccain.

02:47:18.99,02:47:20.44
What a maverick.

02:47:20.46,02:47:21.94
Somebody find out what fork he

02:47:21.96,02:47:24.48
used on his salad, because I

02:47:24.50,02:47:26.48
guarantee you wasn't a salad

02:47:26.50,02:47:26.88
fork.

02:47:26.90,02:47:28.78
He could have used a spoon.

02:47:28.80,02:47:30.69
There's no predicting him.

02:47:30.70,02:47:32.69
So wonderful to see you coming

02:47:32.71,02:47:34.52
back into the republican fold.

02:47:34.54,02:47:36.19
I have a summer house in south

02:47:36.21,02:47:38.59
carolina, look me up when you

02:47:38.61,02:47:42.50
go to speak at bob jones

02:47:42.52,02:47:42.97
university.

02:47:42.98,02:47:44.83
So glad you've seen the light.

02:47:44.85,02:47:47.17
Mayor nagin is here from new

02:47:47.19,02:47:49.11
orleans, the chocolate city.

02:47:49.12,02:47:51.31
Yeah, give it up.

02:47:51.32,02:47:53.78
Mayor nagin, I would like to

02:47:53.79,02:47:55.21
welcome you to washington,

02:47:55.23,02:47:57.55
D.C., The chocolate city with a

02:47:57.56,02:47:58.85
marshmallow center.

02:47:58.87,02:47:59.18


02:48:05.04,02:48:07.39
>> And a graham cracker crust

02:48:07.41,02:48:09.29
of corruption.

02:48:09.31,02:48:11.70
It's a mala march is what I'm

02:48:11.71,02:48:20.00
describing, a seasonal cookie.

02:48:20.02,02:48:23.24
Joe wilson is here, the most

02:48:23.26,02:48:24.68
famous husband since dezee

02:48:24.69,02:48:25.58
arrest nez.

02:48:25.59,02:48:28.38
And of course he brought along

02:48:28.40,02:48:30.81
his lovely wife valerie plame.

02:48:30.83,02:48:33.32
Oh, my god!

02:48:33.33,02:48:33.75


02:48:33.77,02:48:39.62
>> Oh, what have I said.

02:48:39.64,02:48:41.63
I am sorry, mr. President, I

02:48:41.64,02:48:44.30
meant to say he brought along

02:48:44.31,02:48:48.97
his lovely wife,.

02:48:48.98,02:48:50.77
Pat fitzgerald is not here

02:48:50.79,02:48:51.90
tonight?

02:48:51.92,02:48:53.40
Dodged a bullet.

02:48:53.42,02:48:56.67
And we can't forget man of the

02:48:56.69,02:49:00.35
hour, new press secretary, tony

02:49:00.36,02:49:00.81
snow.

02:49:00.83,02:49:02.65
Secret service name, snow job.

02:49:02.66,02:49:05.62
What a hero, took the second

02:49:05.63,02:49:07.15
toughest job in government,

02:49:07.17,02:49:08.52
next to, of course, the

02:49:08.54,02:49:10.22
ambassador to iraq.

02:49:10.24,02:49:12.59


02:49:12.61,02:49:15.89
>> Got some big shoes to fill,

02:49:15.91,02:49:16.83
tony.

02:49:16.85,02:49:18.20
Scott mcclellan too say nothing

02:49:18.21,02:49:22.37
like nobody else.

02:49:22.38,02:49:24.24
Mcclellan, eager to retire.

02:49:24.25,02:49:26.14
Really felt like he needed to

02:49:26.15,02:49:29.27
spend more time with andrew

02:49:29.29,02:49:32.74
card's children.

02:49:32.76,02:49:34.75
Mr. President, I wish you

02:49:34.76,02:49:36.78
hasn't made the decision to

02:49:36.80,02:49:37.35
quickly, sir.

02:49:37.37,02:49:39.05
I was vying for the job.

02:49:39.07,02:49:41.72
I think I would have made a

02:49:41.74,02:49:42.92
fabulous press secretary.

02:49:42.94,02:49:44.72
I have nothing but contempt for

02:49:44.74,02:49:45.42
these people.

02:49:45.44,02:49:47.76
I know how to handle these

02:49:47.78,02:49:48.16
clowns.

02:49:48.18,02:49:50.26
In fact, sir, I brought along

02:49:50.28,02:49:53.03
an audition tape and with your

02:49:53.05,02:49:54.33
indulgence, I'd like to at

02:49:54.35,02:49:56.90
least give it a shot.

02:49:56.92,02:49:58.14
So, ladies and gentlemen, my

02:49:58.15,02:49:59.11
press conference.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
tridim Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:22 PM
Response to Original message
1. Here it is without the timestamps

Here with a special edition of
the colbert report, stephen
colbert.

>> Thank you ladies and
gentlemen.
Before I begin, I've been asked
to make an announcement.
Whoever parked 14 black bullet
proof S.U.V.'S out front, could
you please move them.
They are blocking in 14 other
black bulletproof S.U.V.'S and
they need to get out.
Wow, wow, what an honor.
The white house sornedents'
dinner.
To just sit here, at the same
table with my hero, george W.
Bush, to be this close to the
man.
I feel like I'm dreaming.
Somebody pinch me.
You know what, I'm a pretty
sound sleeper, that may not be
enough.
Somebody shoot me in the face.

>> Is he really not here
tonight?
The one guy who could have
helped.
By the way, before I get
started, if anybody needs
anything at their tables, speak
slowly and clearly on into your
table numbers and somebody from
the N.S.A. Will be right over
with a cocktail.
Mcsmith, ladies and gentlemen
of the press corps, mr.
President and first lady, my
name is stephen colbert and
it's my privilege tonight to
celebrate our president.
He's no so different, he and I.
We get it.
We're not brainbacks on the
nerd patrol.
We're not members of the fact
niece that.
We go straight from the gut,
right sir?
That's where the truth lies,
right down here in the gut.
Do you know you have more nerve
endings in your gut than you
have in your head?
You can look it up.
I know some of you are going to
say I did look it up, and
that's not true.
That's but you looked it up in
a book.

>> Next time look it up in your
gut.
I did.
My gut tells me that's how our
nervous system works.
Every night on my show, the
colbert report, I speak
straight from the gut, ok?
I give people the truth,
unfiltered by rational
argument.
I call it the no fact zone.
Fox news, I own the copyright
on that term.

I'm a simple man with a simple
mind, with a simple set of
beliefs that I live by.
Number one, I believe in
america.
I believe it exists.

My gut tells me I live there.
I feel that it extends from the
atlantic to the pacific, and I
strongly believe it has 50
states.
And I cannot wait to see how
"the washington post" spins
that one tomorrow.
I believe in democracy.
I believe democracy is our
greatest export.
At least until china figures
out a way to stamp it out in
plastic for three cents a unit.
In fact, ambassador, welcome,
your great country makes our
happy meals possible.
I said it's a celebration.
I believe the government that
governs best is the government
that governs least.
And by these standards, we have
set up a fabulous government in
iraq.

>> I believe in pulling
yourself up by your own
bootstraps.
I believe it is possible -- I
saw this guy do it once in
cirque du soleil.
It was magical.
And though I am a committed
christian, I believe that
everyone has the right to their
own religion, be it hindu,
jewish or muslim.
I believe our infinite paths to
accepting jesus christ as your
personal savior.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, I
believe it's yogurt.
But I refuse to believe it's
not butter.
Most of all I believe in this
president.
Now, I know there's some polls
out there saying this man has a
32% approval rating.
But guys like us, we don't pay
attention to the polls.
We know that polls are just a
collection of statistics that
reflect what people are
thinking in "reality."
And reality has a well-known
liberal bias.

>> So, mr. President, pay no
attention to the people that
say the glass is half full.
32% means the glass -- it's
important to set up your jokes
properly, sir.
Sir pay no attention to the
people who say the glass is
half empty, because 32% means
it's 2/3 empty.
There's still some liquid in
that glass is my point, but I
wouldn't drink it.

>> The last third is usually
backwash.
Folks, my point is that I don't
believe this is a low point in
this presidency.
I believe it is just a lull,
before a comeback.
I mean, it's like the movie
"rocky."
The president is rockee and
apollo creed is everything else
in the world.
It's the 10th round.
He's bloodied, his cornerman,
mic, who in this case would be
the vice president, and he's
yelling cut me, dick, cut me,
and every time he falls she say
stay down!
Does he stay down?
No.
Like rocky he gets back up and
in the end he -- actually loses
in the first movie.
Ok.
It doesn't matter.
The point is the heart warming
story of a man who was
repeatedly bunched in the face
-- punched in the face.
So don't pay attention to the
approval ratings that say 68%
of americans disapprove of the
job this man is doing.
I ask you this, does that not
also logically mean that 68%
approve of the job he's not
doing?
Think about it.
I haven'T.
I stand by this man.
I stand by this man because he
stabbeds for things.
Not only for things, he stands
on things.
Things like aircraft carriers
and rubble and recently flooded
city squares.
And that sends a strong
message, that no matter what
happens to america, she will
always rebound with the most
powerfully staged photo ops in
the world.
Now, there may be an energy
crisis.
This president has a very
forward-thinking energy policy.
Why do you think he's down on
the ranch cutting that brush
all the time?
He's trying to create an
alternative energy source.
By 2008 we will have a mesquite
powered car.
And I just like the guy.
He's a good joe.
Obviously loves his wife, calls
her his better half.
And polls show america agrees.
She's a true lady and a
wonderful woman.
But I just have one beef,
ma'am.
I'm sorry, but this reading
initiative.
I've never been a fan of books.
I don't trust them.
They're all fact, no heart.
I mean, they're elitist telling
us what is or isn't true, what
did or didn't happen.
What's britannica to tell me
the panama canal was built in
1914.
If I want to say it was built
in 1941, that's my right as an
american.
I'm with the president, let
history decide what did or did
not happen.
The greatest thing about this
man is he's steady.
You know where he stands.
He believes the same thing
wednesday, that he believed on
monday, no matter what happened
tuesday.
Events can change, this man's
beliefs never will.
And as excited as I am to be
here with the president, I am
appalled to be surrounded by
the liberal media that is
destroying america, with the
exception of fox news.

>> Fox news gives you both
sides of every story, the
president's side and the vice
president's side.

>> But the rest of you, what
are you thinking, reporting on
N.S.A. Wiretapping or secret
prisons in eastern europe?
Those things are secret for a
very important reason, they're
superdepressing.

>> And if that's your goal,
well, misery accomplished.
Over the last five years you
people were so good over tax
cuts, W.M.D. Intelligence, the
affect of global warms.
We americans didn't want to
know, and you had the courtesy
not to try to find out.
Those were good times, as far
as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the
rules.
Here's how it works.
The president makes decisions,
he's the decider.
The press secretary announces
those decisions, and you people
of the press type those
decisions down.
Make, announce, type.
Put them through a spell check
and go home.
Get to know your family again.
Make love to your wife.
Write that novel you got
kicking around in your head.
You know, the one about the
intrepid washington reporter
with the courage to stand up to
the administration.
You know, fiction.

>> Because really, what
incentive do these people have
to answer your questions, after
all?
I mean, nothing satisfies you.
Everybody asks for personnel
changes.
So the white house has
personnel changes.
Then you write they're just
rearranging the deck chairs on
the titanic.
First of all, that is a
terrible metaphor.
Thised a smgs not sinking.
This administration is soaring.
If anything, they are
rearranging the deck chairs on
the behinden burg.

>> Now, it's not all bad guys
out there.
Some heroes, buckley, kim
schieffer.
By the way, mr. President,
thank you for agreeing to be to
my show.
I was just as shocked as
everyone here is I promise you.
How is tuesday for you?
I've got frank rich, but we can
bump him.
And I mean bump him.
I know a guy.
Say the word.

>> See who we've got here
tonight.
General mowsly, air force chief
of staff.
General peter pace.
They still support rumsfeld.
You guys aren't retired yet,
right?
Right, they still support
rumsfeld.
Look, by the way, I've got a
theory about how to handle
these retired generals causing
all this trouble, don't let
them retire.
C'mon, we've got a stop loss
program, let's use it on these
guys.
If you're strong enough to go
on one of those pundit shows,
you can stand on a bank of
computers and order men into
battle.
C'mon.
Jesse jackson is here.
I had him on the show.
Very interesting and
challenging interview.
You can ask him anything, but
he's going to say what he wants
at the pace that he wants.

>> It's like boxing a glacier.
Enjoy that metaphor, because
your grandchildren will have no
idea what a glacier is.

>> Justice scalia's here.
May I be the first to say
welcome, sir.
You look fantastic.
How are you?

>>
Judge macis here.
John mccain john mccain.
What a maverick.
Somebody find out what fork he
used on his salad, because I
guarantee you wasn't a salad
fork.
He could have used a spoon.
There's no predicting him.
So wonderful to see you coming
back into the republican fold.
I have a summer house in south
carolina, look me up when you
go to speak at bob jones
university.
So glad you've seen the light.
Mayor nagin is here from new
orleans, the chocolate city.
Yeah, give it up.
Mayor nagin, I would like to
welcome you to washington,
D.C., The chocolate city with a
marshmallow center.

>> And a graham cracker crust
of corruption.
It's a mala march is what I'm
describing, a seasonal cookie.
Joe wilson is here, the most
famous husband since dezee
arrest nez.
And of course he brought along
his lovely wife valerie plame.
Oh, my god!

>> Oh, what have I said.
I am sorry, mr. President, I
meant to say he brought along
his lovely wife,.
Pat fitzgerald is not here
tonight?
Dodged a bullet.
And we can't forget man of the
hour, new press secretary, tony
snow.
Secret service name, snow job.
What a hero, took the second
toughest job in government,
next to, of course, the
ambassador to iraq.

>> Got some big shoes to fill,
tony.
Scott mcclellan too say nothing
like nobody else.
Mcclellan, eager to retire.
Really felt like he needed to
spend more time with andrew
card's children.
Mr. President, I wish you
hasn't made the decision to
quickly, sir.
I was vying for the job.
I think I would have made a
fabulous press secretary.
I have nothing but contempt for
these people.
I know how to handle these
clowns.
In fact, sir, I brought along
an audition tape and with your
indulgence, I'd like to at
least give it a shot.
So, ladies and gentlemen, my
press conference.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
coffeenap Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:36 PM
Response to Reply #1
2. Thank you for porting this--now everyone can use the quotes! nt
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Richard Steele Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:49 PM
Response to Reply #1
6. Awesome! This is a real keeper.
So I'm gonna keep it!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
ChairmanAgnostic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 07:47 AM
Response to Reply #6
18. The backwash count is at 32 and falling.
bible beating backwash bigots.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
valerief Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:58 PM
Response to Reply #1
7. How fabulous! thanks. n/t
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Nitrogenica Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:58 PM
Response to Reply #1
8. Thanks for posting this. So many good quotes.
What an amazing night. The look on people in the audience's faces was interesting, almost in shock.

Those who get Colbert were probably wishing they could have stood up and cheered for him. He has the biggest brass balls I've ever seen.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
lakercub Donating Member (509 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 12:09 AM
Response to Reply #1
9. Holy Crap!!!
Well done, Mr. Colbert, well done
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Hamlette Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 12:38 AM
Response to Reply #1
11. I believe in freedom of religion, infinite paths to accepting jesus
spot on, thanks for this
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
skids Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 12:42 AM
Response to Reply #1
12. Time for GD Steven Colbert / GD Everything Else?
:sarcasm:

Heheh. Man, what a high impact performance that was. Go Colbert!

Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
anitar1 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 02:04 AM
Response to Reply #1
17. Thank you, Loved it. n/t
Edited on Sun Apr-30-06 02:04 AM by anitar1
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Gabi Hayes Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:40 PM
Response to Original message
3. THANKS! now people can see how fricking HILARIOUS, as well as
VICIOUSLY CUTTING this performance is

bookmarking, K/R

and thanks for the post w/o time stamps
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Kali Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:48 PM
Response to Original message
4. Much grass!
thanks so much for posting for us tvless folks.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
kitp Donating Member (182 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sat Apr-29-06 11:49 PM
Response to Original message
5. w/o line breaks (some corrections added)
Here with a special edition of the Colbert report, Stephen Colbert.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.'S out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'S and they need to get out.
Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.
Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. will be right over with a cocktail. Mcsmith , ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He's no so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brainbacks on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the fact niece that. We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's but you looked it up in a book.
Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term. I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how "the Washington Post" spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit. In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all I believe in this president. Now, I know there's some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.
So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it.
The last third is usually backwash. Folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback. I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the 10th round. He's bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the Vice President, and he's yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time he falls she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie. Ok. It doesn't matter. The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I havent. I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world. Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car. And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. What's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will. And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News.
Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the President's side and the Vice President's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they're superdepressing.
And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the affect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew. But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions, he's the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction.
Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic. First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.
Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be to my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I promise you. How is Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. General Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble, don't let them retire. C'mon, we've got a stop loss program, let's use it on these guys. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. C'mon. Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants.
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
Justice Scalia's here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are you?
John McCain is here. John McCain John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you wasn't a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There's no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the republican fold. I have a summerhouse in South Carolina, look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light. Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow center.
And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a mallomar is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie. Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god!
Oh, what have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilsons wife. Pat Fitzgerald is not here tonight? Dodged a bullet. And we can't forget man of the hour, new Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name, Snow Job. What a hero, took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq.
Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children. Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision to quickly, sir. I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
dweller Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 12:31 AM
Response to Reply #5
10. thanks! some of the above text is just ...
jibberjabber!



dp
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
janx Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 12:45 AM
Response to Reply #5
13. This part was amazing:
"Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god!
Oh, what have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilsons wife."


PERFECT. And his face, when he said it, was funny beyond description.
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
burrowowl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 01:01 AM
Response to Reply #5
14. Many thanks and
KICK, KICK, KICK!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Gabi Hayes Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 01:52 AM
Response to Reply #14
15. mas!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
Swamp Rat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Apr-30-06 01:53 AM
Response to Original message
16. kick!!!
Printer Friendly | Permalink |  | Top
 
DU AdBot (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view 
this author's profile Click to add 
this author to your buddy list Click to add 
this author to your Ignore list Tue Jun 27th 2017, 10:53 AM
Response to Original message
Advertisements [?]
 Top

Home » Discuss » Archives » General Discussion (01/01/06 through 01/22/2007) Donate to DU

Powered by DCForum+ Version 1.1 Copyright 1997-2002 DCScripts.com
Software has been extensively modified by the DU administrators


Important Notices: By participating on this discussion board, visitors agree to abide by the rules outlined on our Rules page. Messages posted on the Democratic Underground Discussion Forums are the opinions of the individuals who post them, and do not necessarily represent the opinions of Democratic Underground, LLC.

Home  |  Discussion Forums  |  Journals |  Store  |  Donate

About DU  |  Contact Us  |  Privacy Policy

Got a message for Democratic Underground? Click here to send us a message.

© 2001 - 2011 Democratic Underground, LLC