When does self-acceptance become denial?

[bertha katzenengel]

My best friend just left, having been here for a week from California. I have gained about 40 lbs since moving from CA six years ago. He said he was shocked to see how hard it is for me to get around.

Two weeks ago my doctor told me I'm at the point where obesity becomes a disability.

I don't see it. I hear all these things, I feel the pain of walking, I throw tight-fitting clothes on the floor while I'm trying to dress, and I see an enormous woman in photographs -- but not in the mirror, and inside I do not feel this huge. I feel -- emotionally* -- like I could still get out on the softball field or tennis court and enjoy some good strong exercise, have fun, and do well. But I don't see that trying to do that would be an embarrassment.

During intensive therapy many years ago, and in the years that followed, I learned to accept my body the way it is. It's quite freeing. I have found that I'm a valuable person and I know people love me. I love my life and would only change one thing.

But how can I change it when I don't see it?

When does self-acceptance become denial?

* Maybe it's sense-memory from 20 years ago.

[auntAgonist]

1. What a question ...

It's got me thinking a LOT K. I believe I was in denial for a long time when I weighed in at almos 300 lbs. I'd get dressed, do the makeup, fuss with my hair and think wow, I look pretty good. My health was going downhill fast, I had very little energy to do things. I wanted so badly to DO things. In my mind I could walk for miles, play baseball, run around the yard, pull weeds etc, I called myself a procrastinator. Truth was I just couldn't or wouldn't admit to the fact that those things were impossible for me to do at the weight and energy level I found myself. I had dieted continually for years. Yeah, I could lose weight, and yeah it would all come back again and then some. My friends told me "kesha you look fine" in my heart I knew they were lying. I think THEY were in denial too. I started to research all methods of weight loss surgery. It took me three years, psychiatric evaluations, medical evaluations, blood tests, bone density tests on and on and on. I made my decision in December of 2004 to have bariatric surgery (biliopancreatic diversion with a duodenal switch). In March of 2005 I had the surgery. It hasn't been all rosey. I had some health problems crop up because of my failure to be compliant. I'm back on track and doing very well. I've lost 154lbs in just over a year. I still 'feel' fat, but I know it's a head game. As I get used to being thin, that feeling will go away. I can see, in photos of myself from years gone by, I wasn't happy, but I wasn't at that point willing to admit that I was obese and that it could kill me.

I don't know if that's what you were asking Kim, but .. anyway, that's what I was moved to write.

:hug: :loveya:

aA
kesha

[bertha katzenengel]

2. Kesha

Yeah, that's about what I'm talking about. Thanks for writing that for me. :loveya:

PS My sister (also his good friend) picked my best friend up at the airport today. He told her, "I wish she had prepared me for her condition."

My condition?

Yeah. Denial. Fuck. :banghead:

[auntAgonist]

3. what a jerk!

sorry, I'm sure / maybe this is someone you care about but geez o'peetz.

I used to get shit like, "You have such a pretty face" well what about the rest of me?

I dunno about Denial Kim, but you're obviously seeing now and feeling now the way your health and body are. denial would be to do nothing about it and carry on like everything is fine. In your head, like me, you 'feel' fine, even look fine. Your body is telling you otherwise.

take care my friend. :loveya: and quit beating yourself up!

:hug:

aA

[bertha katzenengel]

4. I didn't take it as a comment from a jerk.

My morbid obesity is a fact that neither of us has ever danced around. As my best friend he knows he's welcome to my life (as I am to his) and he doesn't pull any punches. He loves me deeply - and told me on this trip that he doesn't want to go to my funeral. He is very concerned.

The specific condition he referred to is that I have a hard time moving around, and when I do I'm usually in pain, either from plantar faciitis, hip pain, or back pain, or all three. All this pain is directly attributable to my obesity.

We went to Mount Vernon and I think that's when he noticed it the most. It's all walking . . . .

He is my best friend and he called it like he sees it. I needed his perspective desperately. I just didn't know it. Don't worry about someone being a jerk to me - that wasn't it at all.

If I can keep this awareness going for more than a couple of days, maybe I'll be able to make a change. Sigh.

Thanks again, dear one :pals:

PS congrats on your post-surgical success. I've heard that after B. surgery it is never easy for anyone, and not eating as prescribed seems to be the number one problem. I have a friend who had B. surgery about six years ago. I saw her earlier this year and she has not lost weight - or if she did, she put it all back on. I was sad for her. (This isn't judgment.) I can't do the surgery thing. I have had enough surgery for five lifetimes. I am done.

[auntAgonist]

5. I guess I misunderstood his comment

and thought he wasn't being supportive. I'm sorry. :hug:

I know a number of people who have had different surgeries (there are so many bariatric surgeries)and some have gained back all their weight. Compliance is a big thing for good health and well being.

hang in there Kim, you're a dear soul and you'll know what to do and how to do it.

:loveya: :hug:

aA
kesha

[AlCzervik]

6. thats a tough one, i've been up and down the scale my whole life

until i just flat gave up about 5 years ago, "Fuck it, this is me" i said to myself and i did just that, accepted myself the way i was or at least thats what i told myself but down inside it was not true. I was deeply unhappy with my body and beginning to actually worry about my health, before it was all about vanity and then it changed to health. I go to the doctors, they weighted me, i cringed and was ready to hear it, you all know what i'm talking about--the lecture and sue enough my primary care doctor did not disappoint! I got the pre-blood work lecture and then after the results came in it was on big time. "You're borderline diabetic, thats a first for you, you're blood pressure is up, also a first, your cholesterol is 257, not good Kim and i suggest you take some action now because i don't want to see you in a year for diabetes's and blood pressure" So i went home and had a good cry, how could i let myself get to this point, heavy is one thing, heavy and having health problems is something i wasn't really prepared to hear or deal with so i did nothing for about 2 months, i thought about it all the time and what surprised me is that i couldn't work up the energy to get motivated, WTF do i need to do something for christ's sake?

OK, July comes up, i'm turning 38, it's really, really hot here and i thought "Can i go through another 105f summer in Sacramento at this weight?" I decided the answer was a resounding NO! Ok what the hell do i do now, diet, exercise, join weight watchers, buy slimfast--done them all before and nothing stuck, oh look i'm already sabotaging myself---surprise!! I really should have gone into sales.

Ok i decided that i would take it one piece at a time, what exercise do i like to do--i know, i know--nothing, i hate exercise but i did know that i could walk--but in this heat, not bloody likely so my birthday was coming up and my husband was going to buy me a new digital camera, damn i wanted that canon powershot so bad, i could picture me and all my rotund glory taking pics but i decided that what i needed was a treadmill and that is what i got and to my surprise i actually started using it. At first i would get on at a fairly slow pace for as long as i could go and gradually built up my time and speed and within 2 weeks i could see a difference, not so i'd be out buying a thong or anything but the one pair of jeans i owned that kinda, sorta fit actually became kinda loose--What, how is that possible, this couldn't be working! Anyhow it was, so after about a month i decided it was time to try eating better so i bought a copy of the South beach diet book and figured why not and after an unpleasant 1st week of that plan i stopped feeling so bad, i actually was less bitchy and had more energy. So July 5th will be one year for me, i'm down 80 pounds and actually wearing a single digit size on the bottom but that is all a side benefit, my health is much better, my cholesterol is actually under 200, not a lot but still and i am no longer borderline diabetic.

Do i still fat like shit sometimes--heck yes, like i'm still fat, heck yes but i feel like the same person pretty much. When i was at 230 i never looked in the mirror because thats not who i was inside, at 150 i'm still not much for mirrors or makeup or the latest fashion, i'm still wearing my Birkenstock's--"Mom, i love you but those are so horrible looking!" Tough shit sweetheart, they make my feet feel better and i'm still wearing over sized teeshirts and i almost never show any skin, but thats just me, i didn't show before and i'm not about to start now.

Bertha(kim) you are a valuable person no matter what your weight is, you contribute, you love people and you're kind, that doesn't change with weight.

From one Kim to another think about the health factor, it's worth it for that alone.


Edited to add--sorry i rattled on so much, sheesh, i have verbal diarrhea today!

[bertha katzenengel]

7. congrats on your success, Kim, and thanks

for writing about that. :hope: I know how hot it gets in Sac'to. I'm having the same weather/fat thoughts now, here in So. MD, where the humidity is so bad it's hard to breathe.

:pals:

[Longhorn]

9. This is SO inspiring to me right now!

I'm trying to get serious about exercising again. It's good to hear that you saw results. I hope I can say the same thing! Thanks and congratulations! :hi:

[Longhorn]

8. I know how you feel.

I was on the other side yesterday -- teetering on acceptance. I was going through clothes and removing from my main closet those items that just don't fit and getting rid of clothes that I don't like. But I can't bring myself to get rid of the smaller sizes -- it feels like I'm giving up. What's especially sad is that I've been feeling slimmer lately so I finally got up the nerve to get on the scales and they showed a gain! I feel like I'm fighting a losing (well, not-so-losing) battle!

But I refuse to give up. So I got up this morning while it was still relatively cool (mid-80s) and walked two hilly miles with my dog. And I'm going to do it again tomorrow morning and the next morning and the next. I've been walking in the evenings, too, about 1.5 miles but my walking partner just had a bypass operation in January and I don't want to push him. I need more of a workout than that so I'm going for morning AND evening!

And if that's all I do right now, then that's what I do until I'm ready to make another change. Oh, I have given up diet soda and just drink water, Propel, and an occasional beer or glass of wine. So that's two changes in the last month!

I can tell you this -- even without verifiable results, I feel a lot better when I'm taking action.

Take care and I wish you the best! :hi: