Read exciting installments of the deathless literature of the KOEB & ASTB

[Nothing Without Hope]

in this thread! Ah, the unfolding saga of Gull Bay and all the other original (very!) delights! Who needs romance novels? Warning: If you suffer from heart palpitations, consult your doctor before reading!

This belongs to the WORLD! And why shouldn't we share?

I'll post the three-chapter installment from tonight (Friday, 4-7-05) as the first reply, and we can fill in others later. Perhaps we can solve the fundraising problem with paperback sales? Won't Will Pitt be jealous? HIS books don't have exciting covers like OURS!

[Nothing Without Hope]

1. A Gull Bay Story: The Marooned Norwegian Skiers Meet the KOEB EDVs!

Chapter 1

by Botany

Cheer up everybody ..... because ....... The EDVs will spend the night @

The Crimson River Bar over looking the tidal flats of Gull Bay.

Yes, it was supposed to be ladies night at the Bar. Some entered with
heavy hearts and a case of the estrogen blues. But after entering the
bar and seeing each other their spirits picked up. Drinks and food
were on the house for this closed party. Sparky was working the bar
but was gone for extended stays in the boiler room so the vixens
fixed their own drinks as they danced on the bar to old Motown songs
from the juke box.

Out back the cold water of CC creek was flowing into a Bleever pond
and the stars were dancing overhead. Below the Bleever pond the
creek fell on rocks and tumbled into the Crimson River. Which earlier
in the day had yielded up a 18 pound salmon. Syndie was cooking it over
the great hearth in the C.R.B.. The smell of fresh salmon, ripe fruits, and
estrogen wafted out the front door of the bar.

As luck would have it a bus load of Norwegian cross country skiers had
broken down out front and they found their way into the bar. Petre the
leader of the group explained his gang could not speak much English
but needed a place to stay.

The EDVs laughed and said, "We speak the international tongue of love."
and they could earn their keep w/ "Uff daa" work. One of the EDV's
brother was working as the local cop, blocked off the drive to the CRB
and laughed to himself and thought, "Those will be some tired Scandinavians
in the morning." He then set up his video tape camera and thought
of the money he would make selling the tape so long as the men made it
out alive.

Chapter 2

by bleever

As luck would have it,

there was no luck to be had.

What had seemed at first like a situation delicious with possibilities, in fact the electricity met with cold, wet water at every turn, starting with blonde Norse adonises tramping straight in, evincing not the slightest hint of any acquaintance with the notion of the Wiping of the Feet that each EDV cherished deep within even the wildest, most atavistic corner of her breast.

But this was but a speed bump on the road of love, nothing that couldn't be forgotten as soon as the things in the trunk stopped bouncing around.

The EDVs were, if anything, the hardiest bunch ever assembled, gathered together as they were under the shadow of a monolithic assault on democracy. They wielded the mighty broadsword of true belief, and were anyone to make a painting depicting their power and glory to put on the cover of a rock and roll album, there would certainly be gleaming thigh muscles and tattered animal skins failing to conceal the beauty and the power they adorned. Their determination was beyond question.

But the Norse paragons of male pulchritude made one small, but crucial error: they opened their mouths, and they started speaking.

The one in front, though not the largest, and perhaps not the most handsome, had nonetheless a compelling quality about him. Maybe it was the way he filled his chest as he surveyed the EDVs. Maybe it was the fact that he was at the front of the group as they entered. Maybe it was because he was the first to open his big yap. But open it he did, though internally with a slight panic, knowing that he must speak first, but daunted by the fire in the eye of each of these magnificent women whose power rested not idly in their beauty, but flamed outwards in their posture, radiating curiosity and indominatibility.

But he was Lars. Everyone on the bus knew what that meant, and Lars was determined that these women with the challenging look in their eyes would know it too. His mind raced back over the last American election, raking through for something that would show his unnaturally clever grasp of the workings of man, and by extension, the workings of woman.

Lars had chosen his line, and looked over the group of EDVs for a moment, for effect. Smiling, and with a certain air of patronage that had always served him well, he added a little nasal twang to his voice for extra effect.

"President Bush, A-number One! Mandate! You betcha!" He winked and used the side of his mouth to make a clicking noise of approval. In almost perfect unison, the adonises in the phalanx behind him repeated the clicking noise.

Somewhere in the back, one EDV failed to stifle an eruption of laughter. Some got pleased looks in their eyes that spoke not of the delights of love, but of the delights of kicking the asses of idiots. Slowly a murmer of discontent and untapped rage built in the room, and the commotion reached all corners of the Crimson River Bar, even deep into the cool concrete-walled basement where sparky had gone to check the, uh, compression on the beer kegs, yeah, that's it, and he had been fortunate enough to secure the vital aid of his spiritual advisor, who was also an able and willing hand in any number of circumstances. Gently pushing his spiritual advisor off him, sparky hurried up, where he met bleever who had been irrigating his wingey eye, and botany, who had left his feverish attempts to dial in to a radio program to investigate the brewing tumult.

It was less than a moment, the time it took for botany and sparks and bleever to understand what was about to happen. Those poor Nordic bastards.

And besides, who could stand by and watch an EDV bloody her knuckles when they could step in with the "gallant" thing, kick some Euro-Fascist butt, and gain some points with the best gals in the world at the same time? Instinct had served the three well, as they came equipped with large cartoon balloons that read BIFF! WHAM! and POW! as they proceeded to toss those identically dressed buffoons out the door of their sanctuary, their Shangri-La.

The fevered bosoms of the EDVs were heaving as sparky, botany, and bleever came back through the door. In unison, they looked at each other, smiled, and said in chorus, "Who needs a drink?"

Chapter 3

by Nothing Without Hope

"Oh, bleeeeeeeeever," she breathed, "You are my heeeeero...

...and I'd like another Guinness, please.." :beer:

The EDVs looked at each other and shook their heads. How could they have, even for a minute, imagined that those big hulking Norwegian cross-country skiers could match the beloved he-men of the ASTB? Foolish, foolish impulse, no doubt brought on by estrogen excess fogging the brain:
:nuke: :nuke: :crazy: :nuke: :nuke:
"There's no place like home!" they realized, as a faint, muffled shout of "Uff DAAAAAH!!!" floated in from the direction of the storeroom. Now where WAS that bartender??

The politically obtuse skiers were sent out to find their own damn clubhouse:

and the saddest thing was that they never knew what they had missed!

In the distance, the light from the fireplace showed through the KOEB clubhouse windows as the lights went out, one by one, except for the ones on the video setup outside the storeroom window. Squinting slightly in one eye between takes, bleever reflected on the many challenges and rewards of association with the KOEB EDVs. Worth it, he decided. Definitely worth it.

[crispini]

2. Chapter Four

Dawn broke over the KOEB clubhouse and the morning types were up early, doing yoga on the bluffs overlooking the bay, tending the garden, or otherwise enjoying healthy pursuits. The EDVs who had had too much Guinness, snarkatinis, or vodka and tonic the night before (and this was by far the majority) were still abed, their rosy cheeks and perfumed locks pillowed on soft pink satin, as dreams of their favorite newscaster danced in their heads.

The Rev was in the kitchen fixing a hamper of delicious delights to take on a picnic. Yummy crackers, tapenade, pesto, pate, and of course, several different kinds of CHEESE, including cambizola and that yummy stuff with sage in it and of course Brie (as well as the more domestic but still yummy types.)

Sparky lounged into the kitchen looking for his morning cup of coffee. "So you're going on a picnic, Rev?"

"Yes, I'm going hiking up Crimson Hill and I'm going to be gone alllllll day. Although I am a little worried because Botany says he saw a Bay Air up there the other day."

"Well, if you'd like some company, I'd be glad to come along. If a Bay Air shows up I can shout really loud or maybe throw some snark at him and then he'll run away."

"That would be wonderful!" said the Rev. "I'd be glad of the company." Arm in arm they exited the clubhouse and sauntered up the hill, eyes gleaming at the prospect of adventure in store.

Meanwhile, back at the clubhouse.... :P (NEXT!)

[bleever]

3. The sunshine was cruel to some.

It came too early, and was too eager to find the places that curtains couldn't cover, and that covers needed to be pulled up over.

First of all, they had not realized that the concessionaire they had chosen thought that everyone wanted to wake up to USA Today. In fact, NO ONE wanted USA Today unless they were on an airplane, and they'd already read the damn DaVinci Code, and the inflight catalog had no unseen crap left to scorn, and they didn't have a blinding headache already.

The first coffee cup that WG saw as her toes pushed her slippers into the lounge was sailing across the room, and hit the wall with a kind of thuddy shatter, and she looked back to see the disgusted face of Patsy, still looking down at the mustachioed villian trying to disguise his disdain for diplomacy on the front page of the complimentary paper.

Bolton.

WG knew without any delay that Patsy was feeling anything but complimented.

[WhirlyGirl]

4. I hope it wasn't an "I Get My News/Snark from Keith" cup.

. . . They're bound to be popular with collectors one day!

[Botany]

5. As the sun rose over Gull Bay ......

.... some of the EDVs went for a walk along CC creek, the Crimson River,
and where it emptied into Gull Bay. As luck would have it the Norwegians
were up too and running on the beach in their shorts. Young, fully grown,
and w/ muscles rippling they jogged right by the EDVs.

Politics seemed of little import to the snark horny vixens. After all
with universal health care, a very good educational system, and liberal
sexual morals they seemed like a gift from God. Syndie thought that
they must be hungry and being a nation w/ a long Atlantic shore salmon
on rye bread sandwiches would be tempting to them. She also thought
of other treats to tempt them with too.

"Uff Daaa!" She yelled and they followed her and the EDVS back to the tavern
for a long lunch, wine, and recreational "dates."

A mother Bay Air and her cubs watched through an open window and seemed
to laugh at the going ons inside. The cubs climbed through the open portal
and dined on the left over salmon and fresh berries. Nobody bothered to stop
'em.

[WhirlyGirl]

6. 'A mother Bay Air and her cubs watched through an open window . . . '

. . . Was this one of them?-- http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=203&topic_id=359653&mesg_id=359832&page=

-----------
<< A mother Bay Air and her cubs watched through an open window and seemed to laugh at the going ons inside. The cubs climbed through the open portal and dined on the left over salmon and fresh berries. Nobody bothered to stop 'em. >> Botany

[Nothing Without Hope]

7. So Bleever's is CHAPTER FIVE and Botany;s is CHAPTER SIX

Wonderful, Botany! You have been MISSED! And Bleever too - what a treat!
:loveya: :toast: :grouphug:

[Botany]

8. Radar Love goes to Gull Bay. "A voice in my head that drives my heal."

The Bed and Breakfast Inn was just down the hill from the Summer House and
had a good view of the sunsets over Love Island in Gull Bay. Out back the cool
waters of C.C. Creek made happy splashing sounds as it tumbled over the waterfall
into the trout pool next the moss and fern covered entrance to the Bay Air's den.
This kind of ambiance attracted a well healed client base and the staff there
knew that they should forget what ever they saw there.

After a year of on air flirting Stephanie Miller had raised the interest of Keith
Obermann to a point that he had agreed to meet her for a weekend "at the
bay." The kelly green jaguar he was driving was making it's way along the
coast road and Keith was signing along w/ an old Golden Ear Ring song, "Radar
Love."

"My baby called and said, I need you here and it is half past four and I am shifting
gears. Brenda Lee coming on strong ..... and the news man sing his same song .....
one more radar lover gone." Keith was back in his teens and thinking a bong hit
would be nice right now as his tires crunched the gravel on the drive to the B. & B..

As this was going on Stephie was watching the Bay Air cubs climb on top of one
another and named one Steph and the other Obie. Watching them she saw their
claws and thought she had better go and trim her nails so as not to leave any
lasting marks on Keith.

Keith stepped out of the Jaguar and felt a sharp pain in his shoulder and felt
very unsteady on his feet. He staggered a few steps and started to fall.


"Good shot with the tranq. dart Ms. EDV." A pick up slammed to a stop
and "they loaded Keith into the back." Stephanie watched from the cabin
door and could not believe her eyes. Was her Keith being Ober-napped?

[gkhouston]

9. Botany -- you do realize that if Keith is driving the Jag

he's doing it in first gear? He suffered a head injury years ago and doesn't have any depth perception at speeds above ~15mph and therefore doesn't drive.

Oh, wait. That's Keith Olbermann. Maybe Keith Obermann can drive, but EDV's don't want a pale imitation, even if he's got a Jag...

[RevCheesehead]

10. Hey, c'mon, it's fiction - -

- isn't it? :wow:

[gkhouston]

11. if it's fiction

then why did Whirly get so miffed with Botany about her longboat funeral?

[RevCheesehead]

12. then that dream I had about Sparky...

:bounce::woohoo::bounce:

[gkhouston]

15. you've only had ONE dream about Sparky?

Color me surprised. And also judiciously uninquisitive. O8)

[Botany]

13. Edit

As Keith was being DRIVEN along the coast road .......

R U happy now?

[gkhouston]

14. maybe

Is his chauffeur hot? :evilgrin:

[Botany]

16. his chauffer was ......

......... Ms. N. and his personal aid was Alison .......

Next chapter the Snark Girls confront the EDVs about Keith .....

[crispini]

17. LOL!

:rofl: Botany's stirring the sh*t in EDV fantasy land! Are you looking to whip up a virtual catfight? :rofl:

[gkhouston]

18. pssst... maybe Monica and Alison

like the gray suit! :rofl:

[Nothing Without Hope]

23. EDV Hugs for Botany, the KOEB POET LARIAT

This is WhirlyGirl's enirely fitting suggestion, well in keeping with our theme of, ah, binding and restraint. ANYONE can have a Poet Laureate, but we have the world's only

Poet Lariat

and we're PROUD of him!

To the TIES (and lariats) That Bind!
:toast:

edited to add: the guy in the picture is writing poetry with his other hand. Obviously.

[WhirlyGirl]

24. 'This is WhirlyGirl's entirely fitting suggestion . . .

. . . well in keeping with our theme of, ah, binding and restraint.'

But only for purposes of fiction, you understand; in my personal interactions I insist on complete freedom of movement.

In fact, when asked during a job interview if I'd ever been bonded, I answered indignantly that I wasn't into ANY of that kinky stuff.

[Gogi]

19. Hey, man!

Geez, Botany, KO is'nt gonna wanna meet any of us EDV's if he thinks we need tranquilizer darts to get a man! :-(

:loveya:

[Botany]

25. The Boiler Room Keith's Prison of Love?

Keith awoke with a splitting headache a found himself chained to a
futon in a boiler room that also served as a store room for the house
beer @ the Crimson River Bar. Case after case of Clark's Blue Ale lined
2 of the walls. He tried to rise from his bed but found that he was fastened
to the futon w/ what appeared to be men's ties. The room also seemed to
smell like cheese and a college coed's bedroom after she had too many
wine coolers while talking to that "cute guy."

"I darted him so I should be first." Came the harsh EDV voice outside his door
"150 yards and I dropped him w/ my first shot. If that is not love, I do not
know what is. He will forgive me I know it. Besides I found some old baseball
cards to give him."

Another EDV was heard saying, "I have waited to long for this chance. I am
going to be first at the Obermann Deli of Love to order a big old piece
of Keith-burger. Stop me and somebody is going to get hurt." And with that
she kicked the door open ripped off her bodice and made a bee line to the
futon. Only to find that ties don't bind and testosterone makes male muscles
stronger than female muscles. She was knocked over as Keith knocked her
nipples out of the way and dashed out the back door and across the
meadow and followed CC creek past the Bleever pond and dove into the
Crimson River's cool waters and swam until he surfaced by the sand bar which
was next to the moss and fern covered entrance to the Bay Air den. Hearing
EDVs behind him he crawled inside.

The maternal instincts of the mother Bay Air took over and she licked
clean his wounds and led him to some soft pine needles that were
a bedding material where he soon fell asleep next to her cubs.

About 3 miles away Miss Stephanie, Perky Girl, and Alison drank some
bloody mary's and thought what they should do next. Stephanie let the booze
loosen her tongue and she told them that Keith was just a training run so
she could be in shape for Botany. The snark girls told her that she "should dream
big and go for it. They too were entranced by his skills in the art of love."

[WhirlyGirl]

26. Oooh, SHAMELESS self-promotion, Bo! ...

. . . But I'm willing to overlook it, since your descriptions of Keith cutting long smooth strokes through the Crimson River's cool water and curled up innocently on his bed of soft pine needles beside the cubs (subliminal baseball reference?) has supplied me w/ several days' daydream material. :crazy:

One question, tho: Why was it necessary to dart and restrain a man who undoubtedly would come to us willingly -- perhaps even eagerly?

EDVs are, after all, the pargons of womanhood.

[Patsy Stone]

31. Absolutely

Botany, sweetheart, I mean, really. Do you think we'd have to:

1) "Olbernap" him?
2) Drug him?
3) Restrain him?
4) Rip our own bodices off and attack him?
5) Or that he'd choose to run, swim and hide to escape us?

Either you think very little of our man-getting abilities or you think very little of KO's taste in girls. :)

So, to that end:

As Keith's Jag sped up the winding mountain road, Louie, his driver, turned and asked him if the Grateful Dead music was too loud. Bopping back and forth to the sounds of the bootleg, KO couldn't even hear the question -- partially because of the anticipation of his destination.

He'd only heard of this place in rumors, could it actually exist? Not wanting to be disappointed, he didn't even let himself think of the possibility of a place with brilliant and beautiful women with a firm grasp of democratic ideals, snark to spare, killer fashion sense and great gluten-free cookie recipes. It was all too much.

Further up the lushly lined blacktop, the road's surface became a dusty, rocky trail leading up to the one building, a cabin on the side of the hill.

"Pull around and just let me off here, Louie," Keith said. "I think this is the place."

It was very quiet when he knocked; and, receiving no response, he went around the back to the screen door, took a deep breath ripe with expectation, and went inside.

He made it through the hallway and into the back corner of what could only be described as a rockin' party place. Focusing around the room, for a moment he thought he'd stepped into a James Bond film. The women who filled the room were of all shapes, sizes, ages and hair colors, but each one a vixen in her own right.

To add that bit of stuff that made the scene complete, he almost tripped over the heavy oak bar (not being so good with depth perception) with the friendly bartender, only top shelf liquors, and, to his dismay, several poetically handsome men who seemed to be watching over the girls and making sure they didn't hurt themselves should a conga line break out unexpectedly.

"A smorgasbord!" he thought. "I am truly the luckiest man alive. Now, how do I get these guys out of here?"

:hi:

[gkhouston]

32. LOL, I don't think KO's problem is

going to be getting rid of the Norwegians (those are the Norwegians who were mercilessly sent on their way but later forgiven, aren't they?). The EDVs are likely to jettison them en masse the minute KO shows up. (At least I would. I've never been that big a fan of blonds. Give me a dark-headed man any day.) KO's "problem" is going to be simultaneously entertaining a pack of EDVs. Ah, such a dilemma. :7

[Patsy Stone]

33. No

Lars, Petre and the other Norwegians were sent packing ages ago due to their skewed political tendencies and the fact that they were, for the most part, morons.

I refer to our own dear enablers and Steph/ASTB members. Perhaps KO will befriend them, perhaps he will fight each of them. The story has not progressed past the wonderment and good fortune Keith feels when stepping willingly into our lovely cabin.

Your turn... :)

[gkhouston]

34. Sadly, I have a lot of work to do this week,

so I'll leave the next chapter in someone else's fiendish hands. I'm glad to know we're not hanging with Lars and the morons, because I do have some standards and even employ them occasionally. I'd rather see KO befriend our menfolk than fight them. If combat becomes a sad necessity :cry:, perhaps they could have a snark-off?

[Nothing Without Hope]

37. I've heard rumors that gluten-free cookies confer amazing recuperative

powers!

:evilgrin:

[gkhouston]

38. Oh? Hey, Whirly! Perhaps it's a good thing that our

sexist oppressive school systems made us take home economics instead of shop class after all. :evilgrin:

[Nothing Without Hope]

39. Yeah, I did take "Home Management" in high school, what a riot!

We should post some good gluten-free recipes here in the clubhouse! You never know when they might come in handy - and besides, almost everyone knows someone who is gluten-intolerant.

[WhirlyGirl]

57. Indeed, cookies always come in handy for taming unruly males--

. . . when they're not calm enough to concentrate on other delights.

Those other skills I picked up a decade later, in a feminist collective.

However, I'd been preparing for his day since the 6th grade, when the Girl Scouts awarded me a merit badge for mastering various elaborate knots (true story).

[RevCheesehead]

64. what? a merit badge in BONDAGE??

I'm impressed. :hippie:

[WhirlyGirl]

65. Um... the PURPOSE of the knots was unspecified.

. . . The GSA doesn't know who or what their little charges will one day become. (Maybe they thought we'd be sailors?) }(

[RevCheesehead]

35. Brava!!!

:applause::woohoo::applause:

[Nothing Without Hope]

36. WONDERFUL!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!! And I hope he reads this

nice touches with the gluten-free cookies and the adaptation to his lack of depth perception, and the whole thing ROCKS!!!!

Botany''s was hilarious, but I have to say, WOW!!!

And let's hear it for our "poetically handsome men" and being EDVs in all shapes, sizes and ages.

:applause: :woohoo: :toast:

TO Keef and our poetically handsome men: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

[WhirlyGirl]

58. It was good, wasn't it? :-)

[Nothing Without Hope]

28. Literary review and ILLUSTRATIONS for Botany's latest Gull Bay episode!

ROTFLMAO!!!!!! Botany, you are in fine Poet Lariat shape tonight!! This Gull Bay installment sort of combines the scientific educational value of a PBS wildlife program...

"I darted him so I should be first." Came the harsh EDV voice outside his door "150 yards and I dropped him w/ my first shot..."



...The maternal instincts of the mother Bay Air took over and she licked clean his wounds and led him to some soft pine needles that were a bedding material where he soon fell asleep next to her cubs.

...with the creepy, anything-can-happen ambiance of a Mystery episode...

...He tried to rise from his bed but found that he was fastened to the futon w/ what appeared to be men's ties.

And yet it can't be on PBS because it has ADVERTISING:

...Stephanie let the booze loosen her tongue and she told them that Keith was just a training run so she could be in shape for Botany. The snark girls told her that she "should dream big and go for it. They too were entranced by his skills in the art of love."

Bravo, Botany! And thanks for the laughs!
:rofl: :applause: :toast:

[Botany]

40. EDVs Gone Wild

The tension in the Crimson River Bar was so thick you could cut it with a knife.
And holding such knifes were Stephanie :loveya: Miller, Alison :loveya: Stewart,
and Perky :loveya: Girl. "All right you EDVs where is our Keith?" They said as one.

Just then an EDV tried to reach for the tranq. gun. She was stopped by an expertly
thrown knife from Perky Girl. The knife pinned her blouse to the bar but did not
draw blood. The EDVs looked for their support system but sadly Sparky and his
gal pal were no where to be seen. Alison with her hair falling fetchingly around
her neck spoke. "We followed the pick up's tire tracks to this bar. Now where is he?"

One EDV started sobbing and said it is _______ (name withheld) fault. "She tried
to have sex with him. And she spooked him. He was last seen swimming across
the trout pool in the Crimson River. His strokes were strong and powerful. And
his boxer briefs were blue."

"Look I just wanted to show him I was a fan. After all I had a Roberto Clemente,
rookie card to give him." Said the not to sad EDV. After all he had touched her left
nipple w/ his hand as he was dashing from the room.

You mean the one that is wedged between tits Sister? Questioned Stephanie :loveya:
Miller.

"Yep that be the one. Any of you girls want a drink? Planters punch w/ fresh
OJ?" asked Sydnie. "And don't worry I planted a micro chip in his butt when he was
out. So we can track him."

"What the hell it is 5 o'clock someplace in the world." said the Rev as she emerged
from the boiler room looking ruddy and happy. Sparky came out too. He looked
tired. And so the party started again. One of the EDVs showed the media babes
her newly invented and somewhat dirty "Snark Dance."

As drinks were be passed around the mother Bay Air deftly removed the chip
from Obie's butt and gave it to a Raven and he flew across Gull Bay to his nest on
the top of Mt. Estro on the top of love Island. The nest was in a fir tree at least 80
feet in the air.

The cubs and Keith slept soundly and the mother Bay Air emerged from her
den and flipped her paw in the direction of the Crimson River Bar. It almost
looked like she was laughing. :P

[WhirlyGirl]

59. This chapter's super-fine, too: who woulda guessed ol' Gidge would be ...

. . . so good at knife-throwing?

Maybe that's how she keeps Keith relatively in line.

[Nothing Without Hope]

62. Botany, you are truly a NATURAL!!! Here's Keef going across the river...

I am STILL :rofl: helplessly from this one:

He was last seen swimming across the trout pool in the Crimson River. His strokes were strong and powerful. And his boxer briefs were blue."

Well, we always hoped they wouldn't be red! And we're not so tacky that we would ever consider sending him some with :loveya: s on them.

It's a good thing for Keef and for anyone who cares about integrity in journalism that despite still feeling the effects of the tranquilizer and his narrow escape from the EDVs, he was able to get across the river fairly easily because it was not in its flood stage:



He might not have been quite as speedy in his panicked escape across the river if he had seen the mother Bay Air eyeing him in his wet blue boxer briefs on the far side, a considering look in her eyes not unlike what had unnerved him in the eyes of those earthy yet charming primal women EDVs! He would have noticed her sooner if he had not been having second thoughts about how he might never know true passion if he didn't turn back... :dilemma: Self-preservation is indeed a powerful drive, he mused, as he rose, skin glistening from the last of the rapids, and at last beheld the waiting Bay Air.


He hadn't realized a Bay Air could SMILE.


In the moments before his survival instincts kicked into gear, he decided the Bay Air's surprising smile would make an interesting Oddball report topic, all the better because there were no celebrities but him in sight. Now why would a Bay Air smile like that? he wondered. A female Bay Air.... He broke into a run.

[bleever]

72. The anger and curiosity that flared from the eyes

of the armed interlopers aroused the instantaneous attention of certain KOEB painter/bathroom contractor/security/concierge members.

"Why, ladies; so delighted you could make it. Good thing that an alb has a little extra fabric, eh what?"

In unison (which caused one EDV to giggle because she immediately thought of Fembots as their heads snapped around), the dakinis of the "higher wavelengths where fascism can make no purchase or headway" looked to the one who spoke.

With all their gazes focused into one beam upon him, he smiled, and with a relaxed readjustment of his toolbelt, he took his moment to deliver the perfect: "Hi, I'm sparky. And we're glad to see ya."

The atmosphere still crackled with the electricity of animosity as sparky said, "I know exaaaaactly what y'all are thinking here, and though hardly anyone knows it, we're all in agreement."

Gasps (and hiccups) from the regulars; angry looks of confusion defended by ruthlessness from the media vixens. Bleever, up in the plentrum rewiring some monster cable, chuckled as quietly as he could.

"Look, we don't have time for this, blog-boy."

The EDVs looked at each other. Frankly, as a put-down, "blog boy" seemed kind of lame, but they could see the gals were on the spot.

"Give it to us, and nobody's gonna get hurt!" said Allison.

A flicker of good-humoured doubt, and some good come-back lines, clouded sparky's brow for a millisecond before he drawled, "Well I'm sure you mean 'him' and not 'it', even though this room's no stranger to a little...constructive objectivization."

Now it was the turn of the media vixens' brows to wrinkle, though they never took their gaze off sparky, as Mon shifted in a pair of her favorite two inch heels and slipped out a spontaneous "Say what??"

Sparky's eyes were the source of all answers as he replied, "All right, ladies. Forgive me for delaying your gratification (in this case). What you seek is with the garden tools. In fact, it's wadded up in newspaper."

It wasn't one of the media vixens, but one of the EDVs who was quickest out the door to the tool shed. It wasn't competitiveness, or even desire, that propelled her on the fastest line to the prize.

And no one could tell whether it was one, or two, or four pairs of hands that ripped open the bundle; the ululations of joy were too loud for such a moment.

It was only a few minutes before the light gray suit had been deeply and ferociously trampled into the mud; and had there been a flaming bonfire and a full moon, the joy of being rid of an impediment to the unfettered joy of open space, of truth, and of beauty could not have been greater.

The sky showed no limits.

The constellations weren't definitions, so much as the intimations of future possibilities.

[crispini]

121. Best. Installment. Yet.

Death of the Gray Suit. Two thumbs up! :thumbsup::thumbsup:

[Nothing Without Hope]

20. OK - we need some more images. Here's the BOILER ROOM. More?

[WhirlyGirl]

21. The futon must be up against the other wall...

[Nothing Without Hope]

22. The good thing about futons is that they can be rolled up and stored away

when not in use! They can be whipped out and ready to go in no time! This photo shows them folded, but when I lived in Japan we just rolled them up. Very fast and a great space saver. The American-style big frames with futons draped on them sort of defeats the purpose IMO.



SO lots of room in the Boiler Room for nice pre-warmed futons waiting for when they're needed.

[WhirlyGirl]

27. For sure, have those futons warm and at the ready, but keep the frames for

. . . EDVs w/ bad knees!

[Nothing Without Hope]

29. Here's the MAMA BAY AIR AND HER CUBS checking out what the EDVs

are up to THIS time. She might have to rescue her favorite human TV personality again! A mother's work is never done...

[Nothing Without Hope]

30. Here's the EDV-operated TRANQUILIZER GUN!

Keef beware!

[Botany]

41. New chapter under EDVs gone wild ........

Up thread .....
My only ? is do I have Whirly Girl climb the tree?

She could fall and then "the long boat would be coming."

Great writing is hard work
:rofl:

[crispini]

42. Sorry, I think we like Patsy's version better.

We're goddesses, after all. No tranqulizer darts necessary.... :7

[Botany]

43. Fine ......

I will never write again.

Except .......
The EDVs gathered a the base of the fir tree and saw that it was massive.
Now how did Keith's micro chip get to it's top? "Crispini you climb up and
see what is up there." And so she did. In a thunderstorm with winds at
50 mph. Would she make it?

[Nothing Without Hope]

44. Please, Botany! Don't threaten to stop writing Gull Bay!!!!

::cry: The pain of withdrawal would be too much! Pleeeeese? You're our Poet Lariat, you can't leave us in the lurch!

(Though I admit our charm should be adequate without requirement for a tranq gun!)

[crispini]

45. HEY!

:spank:

She climbed nimbly to the top of the tall pine tree, retrieved it, and shimmied down as nimbly as a monkey. Upon her safe return to the base of the tree, she dusted off her black leather ensemble and eyed Botany with a wicked grin.

"You've been a baaaaad, bad boy, Botany. Who told you to throw that microchip up in the tree? Now come over here and put on these pink fur-lined handcuffs," she said, snapping her bullwhip sharply.

Botany glanced nervously in her direction.

"You won't like it if I have to come over there," she said melodiously, snapping the bullwhip again.

Would Botany obey? :evilgrin:

[Botany]

46. Excuse me it was a fir tree not a pine.

Abies not Pinus.

So you climbed the wrong tree, huh? So get back up there and pay no attention
to the lighting. Might want to make sure you have on your iron belt and 200 ft of
exposed electrical wire.

[gkhouston]

47. oh, Botany, that was SO not the correct response...

I'll get the hydrogen peroxide...

[Botany]

48. Why do you need H2 O2?

Or should I ask?

Does it have to do w/ bullwhip bruises to my flesh?

Beside the Raven put the Chip in his nest in the fir tree. And when did I go out
w/ the EDVs to hunt for Keith?

[crispini]

49. Botany, Botany, Botany.

How much more of this insubordination must we put up with, dearest? :evilgrin: It's for your own good....

[Botany]

50. Come on lighten up ........

....... "EDVs Gone Wild" is the some of the finest writing ever. As long as
you do not count grammar, syntax, and punctuation. I myself get choked
up at it's beauty.

Keep whipping me and I will go back and add your name as the one who
let Keith escape.

[crispini]

51. Oh, you know you like the attention.

Or is it the black leather? :evilgrin:

[Nothing Without Hope]

74. Well of COURSE an EDV would head for something called

Pinus before even looking at something called Abies. (But you really DO know something about botany, Botany!)
:evilgrin:

[RevCheesehead]

52. golly, I had no objection to your latest.

Although, I might add "Sparky looked tired, but in a happy way." :evilgrin:

Otherwise, perfect. O8)

[Botany]

53. This better?

"What the hell? it is 5 o'clock someplace in the world." said the Rev as she emerged
from the boiler room looking ruddy and happy. Sparky came out too. He looked
tired but wore a grin on his face that told all that was needed telling And so the party started again. One of the EDVs showed the media babes her newly
invented and somewhat dirty "Snark Dance."

So do I get a get all your sins forgiven card, now?

[RevCheesehead]

54. sins? what sins?

Like I said, I had no problem with what you wrote.

I think you need to ask WhirlyGirl that question.

But for a "blanket absolution," let me say "go your way, and sin no more." :)

As for your edit: :thumbsup:

[WhirlyGirl]

55. 'I think you need to ask WhirlyGirl that question.' - Rev

. . . As citizens of Gull Bay observe: To err is human; to err with an EDV is downright dangerous.

Accordingly, having included me in a number of chapters since the day the plot veered temporarily off course last winter, I believe Botany has amply re-established my viability (Inga didn't fare quite so well), and is most forgiven. :-)

[WhirlyGirl]

56. P. frickin S. - I'm not climbing that tree; I saw Raven carry off the chip

. . . facryinoutloud. I ain't no MORAN.

You've got some kind of Freudian LONGboats on the brain, I'd say, Bo. ;-)

[Botany]

60. you will climb that tree or you might drive a car w/ "problems" down a

windy road. After all I am the writer ......LOL

now who might have posted this comment?

It's nice that Steph is a good sport about her crush and the KOEB's competitiveness! Sayyyy... we just may have a RL match here!

Keith: Go ahead, ask her out!

[WhirlyGirl]

61. What do KO & Whirly have in common? Answer: Neither one of us ...

. . . DRIVES.

Like I said, Bo - I saw Raven take the chip, so I'm staying on the ground.

However, I do see a writer up a tree. :-)

PS - If we must "lose" him to someone and that *someone* turns out to be Stephanie, we could be good sports, too.

Imagine the bride's EDV entourage, all done up in teal to match his eyes -- and Rev performing the ceremony!

[RevCheesehead]

66. Some here have, ah, "troublesome" driving experiences.

You just never know when a rogue mattress is going to appear in the middle of the road. :evilgrin:

[gkhouston]

69. I understand they pop up more frequently for EDVs than for

regular people... must be a need-based phenomenon. Just what were you thinking as you were driving down the freeway that day, Patsy?

[Berry Cool]

79. You guys are kidding!

I was once riding in a car with a friend when a mattress came unleashed from the pickup ahead of us and managed to lodge itself between her tire and wheel well!

And I don't drive either!

Do I belong here or what?!?

[gkhouston]

83. It depends...

what did you do with the mattress once you had it? :evilgrin:

[Berry Cool]

88. Unfortunately, the mattress was a loss

It had to be shot and put out of its misery.

And there were no men around anyway.

Pity.

[Nothing Without Hope]

63. New in-between episode posted upthread: KEEF CROSSES THE RIVER

Illustrated, too!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=315&topic_id=2305&mesg_id=3295

[sparky_in_ma]

67. Check Post 43 and 49, our Crispini

It's always the quiet ones you've got to watch.:scared:

[gkhouston]

70. No, Sparky...

don't waste precious time watching crispi (although I doubt not that time spent watching her would be precious indeed). Run like hell. :P

[sparky_in_ma]

71. Hi gk

Join us for a drink.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=315&topic_id=3344&mesg_id=3344&page=

[Botany]

68. After listening to bush speak the Crimson River Bar was ......

..... packed. Nobody was saying much except for Botany who kept walking
in circles and mumbling, "No way that boy was elected president. He is
a screaming retarded turd. Get me another shot of Myers rum, now."

Two EDVs who watched bush just sat and looked out over Gull Bay and
laughed a sad sort of laugh.

The door burst open the mother Bay Air walked in and put her head
under the beer tap. She drank at least a gallon of Clark's Blue Ale.

Stephanie, Alison, and Perky Girl all kept saying, "He ended his conference with
THANK YOU FOR THE ANSWERS, I have socks smarter than that boy."

Keith, sat alone in the corner booth and sent out resumes to do minor
league baseball games. He was muttering something about his limits.
After a bit he started giving the Raven and the Bay Air cubs food from his
table. They all seemed to be getting along fine.


Sparky just kept pouring drinks and looking for his Rev. But she was too
busy helping others in working through their feelings that God must hate
America to allow such a man to be president.

The t.v. in the bar got hit by a sledge hammer when a CNN or Fox news
person said, "What a great job bush did."

Botany did try to use the situation to get some pity sex out of Steph ......
life goes on..........

[WhirlyGirl]

73. Aww, Keith is a friend to animals

. . . Floaties for animal-lover KO. :loveya::loveya::loveya:

The dour mood brightened considerably when the bar patrons, hearing exotic music wafting from the back room, opened the door to discover WhirlyG practicing her cooch dance on a low table. She was wearing the red fringed "Love Shack" dress she'd borrowed from Kate Pierson of the B-52s.

Keith's curiosity was piqued, and as he looked over the heads of the patrons now crowded into the doorway, he noted how tastefully Whirly's movements were being performed.

"Ah," he said to himself, "I'd heard that 55 is the new 35 -- and now I've seen the proof!"

[Botany]

76. Keith looked @ Whirly Girl and said.

"Can you drive down the slick roads w/ hairpin turns to the store and
pick up some food @ the Gull Bay Super Market? And do not worry about
the brake indicator light on the dash. You be fine."

And with that Keith went back to the Crimson River Bar to talk to the
Norwegians skiers who now had won the hearts of the EDVs.

Alison and Petre seemed to be getting along well as they drank and
ate smoked Salmon. A black and blond uff daa seemed like a for gone
conclusion.

Meanwhile Botany was playing hard to get and made Stephanie :loveya:
Miller tell him in detail what would happen at the B&B should she be
lucky enough to get him there. E.Z. he was not. After all the tease is
the biggest part of seduction.

In a sad sight some of the EDVs who were way over their limit on booze
sang, "Stand by Your Man." As they flashed Keith & Sparky. The Bay
Air mother took her cubs from the bar because she did not want them to
see EDVs gone wild. Although she looked like she was laughing.
The raven just said "never more ..... never more."

[WhirlyGirl]

77. KO said this with soft pink tongue-in-cheek, knowing that - like himself -

. . . Whirly DOES NOT DRIVE. (Keith often addressed her jokingly as "Jessica Fletcher" not only for that reason but also because of her uncanny skill at solving mysteries.)

The crowd in the doorway to the back room parted, as Whirly strode gracefully to the evening's honored guest and joined him and the cubs on the back corner booth. Her red fringed dress slipped fetchingly off one shoulder, which the enraptured newsman stroked tenderly as they drank 7&7s and shared their secret thoughts.

The cubs, tired from their day's adventures, curled up on the seat opposite them and drifted off to sleep. Early morning would find the cubs still there but the couple absent, having found a secluded spot on the beach to consummate their happy rendezvous.

Meanwhile the other EDVs and their attentive consorts partied on, oblivious to the couple's disappearance. Even Stephanie Miller was for the moment curiously distracted by sly Botany who, in a preview of next day's parade and review of the troops, had chosen to dress in Gull Bay's traditional military garb: a loincloth topped by a poet shirt.

Stephanie's eyes swept over the poet lariat and, ever the connoisseur of the well-formed leg, allowed her gaze to rest momentarily on Bo's lower limbs.

No one noticed when Raven shat the chip into Bo's drink and he later tossed it down in one thirsty gulp.

(To be continued ... and yo' mama! ;-))

[Botany]

80. Stephanie Miller & Botany went out to the car so as to

drive back to the "Love Shack." She was all over him. But then who
could blame her? After all the TPPE (Total Package par excellent) does
not come along too often. As a matter of fact, driving was hard w/ her
tongue in his ear. But he was doing O.K. considering that Rex Sean, was
in the car too.

His lights happened to catch the car in which W.G. was traveling in.
Was that brake fluid dripping from the bottom of her car? He accelerated
so as to warn her about the danger. But Miss Steph seemed more
interested in getting to the B. & B. for some R & R and whispered into
his ear about the swing that had been installed @ the cabin. Botany,
thought for a moment and slowed down so as to turn on the gravel
drive leading up to the place O' magic.

The car w/ the bad brakes hurtled toward "Dead Women's Curve,"
high above the black rocks of Bay Air cove off Gull Bay. The moon
was bright that night and the shape of a viking long boat could be
seen out by Love Island.

Just then a raven swooped in front of Whirley's dangerous ride ........
:scared:

[RevCheesehead]

81. I warned her, Bot -

I warned her last night she was playing with fire, but she ignored me.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=203&topic_id=364264&mesg_id=364339

[Botany]

82. And after all you do speak for the all mighty one .......

...... LOL

Rev. Two ways to take this story

1. Botany hears a crash and leaves Miss :loveya: Stephanie and
saves her as she is hanging on to a tree branch far above the
pounding surf and rocks of Bay Air Cove ....

2. Botany goes into the Love Shack w/ Stephanie and hears nothing
except UFF DAAAs....... And the "Dead Women's Curve" get another
vixen ...... I mean victim.

In both cases the driver of the car she was in is not hurt @ all. O8)

Please give prayerful thought to W.G.'s fate ...... it is in your hands .....
(but remember she has been naughty) :evilfrown:

[RevCheesehead]

94. my decision is found down-thread.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=315&topic_id=2305&mesg_id=3655

[WhirlyGirl]

84. Arriving at the Chateau, Botany shook his head groggily as Steph, ...

. . . anticipating hours of kinky fun, tugged excitedly at his arm.

Bo could've sworn it was WhirlyG he'd seen just moments before, hurtling toward Dead Woman's Curve -- but of course that was impossible since the EDVs had wisely blocked that deadly road off the year before, having decided that none of their number was expendable. And besides, he knew Whirly (aka Jessica F.) didn't drive.

"What's the matter, Botany," Stephanie smirked, "not chickening out on me, are you? I thought you said you were READY for a walk on the wild side!" Bo noticed how closely Steph was scutinizing him as she said this -- almost as if she were checking to see if some substance slipped surreptitiously into his drink back at the Crimson River Bar had begun to take effect.

Bo found it difficult to resist Stephanie's persitent urging, and at length followed her lead to the love dungeons.

Meanwhile, safe in the arms of Keith, Whirly was just drifting contentedly off to sleep on the secluded beach, observed only by Raven -- who knew how to keep a secret!

:loveya:

[Botany]

85. W.G. you are in limbo ......

..... your fate is in the Rev's hands.

So hold onto that branch ...... and hope she sees fit to save you .....
for I am powerless.

:bounce:

[WhirlyGirl]

86. Botany, I am peacefully asleep on a secluded beach ....

. . . and you're hallucinating on the drug Steph gave you.

Your fate (and what an exciting one it is!) is in HER hands. ;-)

[WhirlyGirl]

89. PS - here's where we're hiding :-)

[Berry Cool]

90. Whirly was just yawning herself awake

and turning to face the wonderful man in whose arms she was, when she realized...

...there was no man. She was alone. Completely alone.

How could it be? The whole scenario...the red fringed dress...the cooch dance...the secluded booth...the escape to the beach...the wild lovemaking such as she had never known before in her life...how could it have been ALL JUST A DREAM??

But it was! A dream, and a hallucination, for she had not been watching her 7&7 carefully, and it had been doctored most wickedly when she was not looking by her rival in non-driving, the nefarious BerryBush.

"That should take care of Miss Whirly," she thought smugly as she dropped in a mysterious white powder and stirred. "She'll awaken tomorrow morning having thought she had a wonderful night with the Keithster on a secluded beach...only to discover that it was all just a product of her feeble imagination! Now, off I go unencumbered by competition, to seek out the Magic Eyebrows of Ecstasy!"

It wasn't long before Berry found her quarry. He was still in the back corner booth, watching with amusement as Botany tried to hit up Stephanie. "Little does he know," he thought smugly to himself, "she will give him only one night of wild unbridled passion. Then she will throw him on the trash heap with all the rest of the broken hearts." He paused and thought for a moment. "Ah, but I bet he'd be lying on that trash heap with a smile on his face." He paused in his contemplations to break the fourth wall, a la his hero, Bugs Bunny. "You ask me, how do I know all this, Dear Reader? Well...that's for me to know, and no one else to find out."

But, speaking of smiles...the one on the devastatingly beautiful woman now approaching him was the most welcoming he had ever seen.

"Hi there, tiger cub."

Keith had never before found himself rendered incapable of speech, but this moment came close. Before he knew what was happening, said woman had sidled up next to him, leaving him with no way out of the precarious situation in which he was increasingly enjoying finding himself.

"It's time to leave, this party's boring," she purred.

He struggled to moisten his suddenly dry mouth, to find words for reply. "Yes," he managed to choke out, finally.

"I knew you'd see things my way. Shall we go to the, ah, beach?"

When he agreed, BerryBush knew her plan was working to perfection. The next morning, she thought, poor Whirly would awaken to discover herself hung over and alone, stumbling blindly across the sand in search of the man she mistakenly believed had spent the night with her. Oh, she'd find him all right...behind a sand dune...but not alone...and by that time, he'd already have breakfasted on the freshest, ripest, sweetest fruit Gull Bay had to offer.

Or, well, at least, that was the plan.

[WhirlyGirl]

91. Sorry, the micky finn scenario has been taken - but I like your tiger cub-

. . . come-on. It would have him so blushing, thinking of that story and the ... erm, implications!

You'll have to try it ... NEXT time Keith shows up in the back booth.

For the moment, tho -- he is m-i-n-e!

[Berry Cool]

92. "Ah," said BerryBush, "obviously..."

"...poor Whirly has the mistaken idea that all elements of a piece of literature can be used only *once*. Or that they actually have to be *original*. Little does she know..." A wicked smile curled her lips.

She was quiet for a moment. "Then again...I can afford to be generous, can't I? For one night...then, the back booth will be filled again...and by then, my little cub might have tired of being 'whirled' in that little sandstorm...ah...yes." She smiled again. "I'll bide my time. This time tomorrow night, I'll have a new nickname. Just call me...'Latte.'"

[WhirlyGirl]

95. "OK then, typewriters at 30 paces" answered Whirly accepting the challenge

.
"Tossed, or typed upon -- makes no nevermind to me, so long as the plot devices don't duplicate.

"Cuz 'me-too'-ism only works for the MSM!" :-)

[Berry Cool]

98. "You mean, no loofahs?" said BerryBush disappointedly

*sigh* "I suppose not...because, after all, they've ALREADY BEEN USED as a plot device for a certain someone's, ah, fantasies...You know, I would just as soon not go there anyway.

"But typewriters? Surely you can't mean that in order to have a battle of prose, we must use such miserable and outdated implements? Why, I tossed my typewriter back in 1989. It went several yards, too. Now THAT was a 'typewriter toss.'

"I shall use my weapon of choice--God's computer, the Mac. You use whichever weapon you choose. The winner...well, I think you know what the prize is. Let's just say it has thick eyebrows and a slight bow in its upper lip. And...it's snarkdillyicious."

And with that, BerryBush turned to the grill to order up some sustenance for herself for the long battle, in the form of a juicy snarkburger.

"Make it nice and beefy," she requested of the cook. "Maybe a little paunchy, I don't mind. A burger that's 100 percent fat free is too dry and has no taste, after all. But do make it both rare and well done. Something I can eat with relish. Maybe even a little ketchup and mustard."

"You got it," said the grill cook.

BerryBush looked on idly as the cook flipped burgers and the grill sizzled and popped. A thought occurred to her. "Can I ask you a question? How are you at grilling...oh, I don't know...say, a tuna steak, nicely seared?"

The cook looked at her and smiled. "Tuna steak? Yeah, tuna steak, I can do that. What, you changed your mind?"

"Oh no, no. Go on making my burger," said Berry. "No, I was just thinking..." An idea began to form in her mind. A wicker basket. A nice tuna steak. A bottle of merlot. Perhaps a nice ciabatta loaf...on second thought, no. No ciabatta loaf.

Whirly, who was still in the corner booth with her 7&7 waiting for a certain person to return from attending to some official business, suddenly snapped to full alert, almost as if she were able to read Berry's wicked mind. "What are you thinking about?" she snapped at Berry. "You've got the most devilish look on your face all of a sudden. Don't think you're ruining my rendezvous, pal, because if you do, you've got another think coming. Sorry, Berry, but sometimes life's a beach...if you know what I mean."

Berry rolled her eyes in well-practiced disdain. "Ruin your little rendezvous? Believe me, honey, I wouldn't dream of it. Go have your rendezvous. The beach awaits. I hope you get sand in your fringe." She wondered whether Whirly would be alert enough to pick up on the double entendre. "But...just remember, as Scarlett O'Hara said, 'Tomorrow is another day!'"

Whirly contemplated this for a moment. Then she shook all thought of it out of her head. Envy was such an unattractive emotion, after all. Why, it could make a woman look downright ugly, especially to a truly snarkalicious man. She decided that she sincerely hoped Berry would enjoy her burger. "After all," she thought, "it's the closest SHE's getting to beefcake tonight."

[WhirlyGirl]

99. LOL, not bad, Berry; I'd only make a small modification to a bit of dialog

. . . Instead of:
"What are you thinking about?" she snapped at Berry. "You've got the most devilish look on your face all of a sudden. Don't think you're ruining my rendezvous, pal, because if you do, you've got another think coming" . . .

I believe I'd write:
"What are you thinking about?" she snapped at Berry. "You've got the most devilish look on your face all of a sudden. Don't think you're ruining my rendezvous, pal, I'M WORKIN' THIS SIDE OF THE STREET!"

[Berry Cool]

104. "Aha!" thought Berry. "I get it all now..."

"...she's a pro. She thinks this is a territorial turf battle! That explains *everything*!" She sighed and smiled as her burger continued to splutter on the grill. "She has not yet learned that there are no boundaries to the territory of the heart..."

And as she contemplated the burger about to be served to her, with a heaping helping of Canadian cheddar and grilled onions to boot, it occurred to Berry that not only were there no boundaries to the territory of the heart, but there were bound to be none to her cholesterol level either, after tonight.

[WhirlyGirl]

105. Nah, I just wdn't be able to pass up the opportunity to use a CATCHPHRASE-

. . . is all. :-)

[Berry Cool]

110. Hah. I see Mr. Dictionary has failed someone yet again

...so, how much longer, you the Dear Reader ask, are Whirly and Berry going to keep up this arch-rivals act??

Whirly: "Saracen Pig!"

Berry: "Spartan Dog!"

Ah, face it, folks, you can't stop us...you can only hope to contain us.

[WhirlyGirl]

111. 'you can't stop us...you can only hope to contain us.' - Berry

. . . A worthy description of the KOEB/ASTB in general!

:loveya::bounce::rofl::loveya::bounce::rofl::bounce::loveya::bounce::rofl:

[RevCheesehead]

106. CANADIAN CHEDDAR???

Why are you outsourcing Cheese, fer heaven's sake????????

You better watch yourself, berry.

[Berry Cool]

108. But if I ate Wisconsin cheese, wouldn't that be...

...cannibalism?

[RevCheesehead]

109. only if you are made of cheese, too.

Good point, though.

Oh, Sparky.... :loveya:

[bleever]

75. New in-between chapter posted above, response 72.

A little something for the laaaaaaadies. :)

[Nothing Without Hope]

78. It's WONDERFUL! Here's the link

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=315&topic_id=2305&mesg_id=3540

Bleev, I'm not going to spoil the magnificent ending by revealing it here, but let me say that it would be a true delight if we could make it happen - one way or another - in the RW. You really know what's IMPORTANT!

Still laughing from your literary effort - bravo! Many phrases in there that should become part of the KOEB language collection and such a delightful surprise at the end.

Speaking as one of the laaaaaaaaaadies (vowel count is only approximate), thank you!
:applause: :woohoo: :yourock:

[WhirlyGirl]

87. "Mug" shot, fit for a POET LARIAT's coffee cup --

. . .

[RevCheesehead]

93. That's mighty big of you, ma'am.

BOTANY: Let her live. :thumbsup:

[WhirlyGirl]

96. I thought that might settle it! :-)

. . . Look nice, Rev -- wouldn't it?

Perhaps as soon as Clark's situation settles down a bit, she could make one up for Bo.

[Botany]

97. Come on Rev. viking funerals can be fun.

Because you will get to officiate it and get paid too. Also Sparky is
in charge of the refreshments and food. He will need a lot of help
in the kitchen where the sensual tastes of food and the rich smells
of cooking have been known to drive men who have had Bay Airs
in their yard mad with lust.

Example ...... Sparky kneaded the dough for the sour dough bread
and that being no small job because as with all viking funerals
this would be no small party. The good Rev. mopped his brow
and rubbed his aching muscles. As the last of the loafs was being
placed in the oven he felt the need for a shower and a change out
of his sweaty clothes. Warm steam filled the bathroom as he stepped
into the over sized stall. The good Rev. saw he forgot his shampoo
outside the bathroom door. But on top of it was a single red rose
and note that told the good Rev. that he was expecting her ......

Still want to save W.G.?

[WhirlyGirl]

100. Whirly is still very much among us and intends to remain so. :-)

. . . The nice thing about the Internets is, nobody can have the last word. :P

[WhirlyGirl]

101. You claim to love Steph - yet that "mug" shot did NOTHING for you?

. . . Whatcha got runnin' in those veins, Bo -- ice water???

[RevCheesehead]

102. you are the master of temptation, bot.

~whew~ I got all tingly just reading that! :loveya:

[Botany]

103. So?

You still want to save her? I am helpless in such matters.

[RevCheesehead]

107. ...

:dilemma:

[WhirlyGirl]

112. Rev, you could remind Bo that you already ruled. And besides--

. . . reports of WhirlyG's demise are the results of bad intel! :rofl:

(Poor Bo -- on the Internets, no one can hear you scream. :-))

[Botany]

113. Like the scream of a someone whirling to their death on the ....

..... rocks of Bay Air Cove off Gull Bay?

Again I am powerless in this matter. Sorry

[WhirlyGirl]

114. Like the scream of someone who requests a ruling and then ARGUES w/...

. . . the referee.

Buckeyes aren't known as particularly good sports, but you could decide to be the exception, Bo.

Generations hence would bless you. O8)

[RevCheesehead]

115. but .. but...

:dilemma:

I am so weak. :loveya:

[Botany]

116. It is up to you Rev.

If W.G. is so selfish as to make you give a good pay day, a chance to
pastor to a large and diverse flock, enjoy the splendor of viking
funeral, and make you skip the shower w/ Sparky then I will follow
your lead and save her. I bet her arms are tired by now.


:nopity:

[WhirlyGirl]

117. 'I bet her arms are tired by now.'

. . . Check your PMs, Bo.

[Berry Cool]

118. I say...Uh, no. Don't save her!

'cause, uh, if you don't, I can drop this burger I'm eating and move on to...well...juicier quarry.

And no cheese will be necessary for enhancement to that--Wisconsin or otherwise!

[WhirlyGirl]

119. How difficult can it be to understand that ...

. . . reading about oneself (even a fictional representation of oneself) being killed in a variety of ways, day after day, isn't a pastime one finds particularly enjoyable?

I hope I don't come off as overly sensitive but I have to admit to being creeped out by this for the past month. Wherever the energy came from to start this subplot, I sure wish it would go back and stay there.

[Botany]

120. It is pretend ........ Make believe ........ not true .........

"I hope I don't come off as overly sensitive but I have to admit to being creeped out by this for the past month. Wherever the energy came from to start this subplot, I sure wish it would go back and stay there."

There is no Gull Bay.
Bears do not assume the job of mothering people.
Sydnie does not have a summer house w/ Lilacs, a bed in a cupola,
and yard man by the name Sean Kennedy.
Keith Obermann was not hit by a tranquilizer dart.
" " did not have a microchip to track him planted in his ass.
There is no love island.
There is no Crimson river.
There is no CC creek.
No Berry patch.
No Bay Air Cove.
Sour Dough Bread is not part of viking funerals.
There is no Crimson River Bar.
Keith Obermann, Ms. Novtony, Ms. Alison and Stephanie Miller have
never done what was written in this story.
I am not a writer.
There is no Crimson River Bar.
There is no Bleever Pond.
A Raven did not take a microchip to the top of a fir tree on Mt. Estro.
A team of Cross Country Skiers from Norway did not and will not
travel in a make believe bus in a pretend part of America looking to
have sex with middle aged women.
Clark's Blue Ale is not real.
Same for the Boiler Room
Dead women's curve is not real either.
You can not see brake fluid dripping from under a moving car @ night
with headlights.
The Bed & Breakfast is not real either.
The Town of Gull Bay is phony too.
There is no bear den covered w/ moss and ferns by a trout pool that Keith
Obermann swam across in his underwear.
Crispini did not climb a make believe tree. She might or might not have
fur lined handcuffs and a leather outfit.
Ms. Novtnoy never pinned a person down w/ a knife throw which went through
their blouse but did not hit their skin.
There is no Gull Bay Supermarket.
The odds of Stephanie Miller having her tongue in my ear are about the same
as George W. Bush winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Your viking funeral was not real ...... besides if you had read it carefully you
would have seen the make believe one was many many years in the future
w/ some of the EDVs having adult children from having sex w/ the boys
from Norway.
I am pretty sure that the Vikings did not use Methodist Priests @ their funerals.
I might be wrong on that one.
Their is no such thing as an EDV ..... I made that up too.

So, I would suggest that you do not have to worry about any dangers to
your self from FICTION. Got it?

[RevCheesehead]

122. At least you didn't say Sparky's not real.

As to some of the others:

<Crispini did not climb a make believe tree. She might or might not have fur lined handcuffs and a leather outfit.>
She probably does.

<Sydnie does not have a summer house w/ Lilacs, a bed in a cupola, and yard man by the name Sean Kennedy.>
His full name is Rex Sean Kennedy.

<Their is no such thing as an EDV ..... I made that up too.>
*BZZT* Wrong. Thank you for playing.

<The odds of Stephanie Miller having her tongue in my ear are about the same as George W. Bush winning the Nobel Peace Prize.>
I certainly disagree with this, since I truly believe in my heart that "she will be yours."
Call me a hopeless romantic. :loveya:

***WHAT ABOUT INGA?
Could it be that the EDV driving the car was the obsessed ex-girlfriend of LARS? That she was scheming on how to rid Gull Bay of the EDV's, who were her (mistaken) rivals in Norwegian Love? Did she mistakenly jump into the car, not knowing Sven had taken matters into his own hands? That Sven was secretly in love with Lars (not that there's anything wrong with that), and he had to rid Lars from the temptation of Norwegian Vixen Love, once and for all?

We could still have a Viking funeral. This will have to do, since Randy Moss has been traded to Oakland. At the end of next football season, we can have another. :)

[crispini]

123. Hee hee hee hee!

I'll never tell. :evilgrin:

But, HEY, Botany -- "middle aged" ?! I ain't hit 40 yet, thankyewverymuch! :P

[Botany]

126. So I can take that as a yes?

:rofl"

[crispini]

128. Furry handcuffs are a girl's best friend.

;)

[sparky_in_ma]

134. Yup, it's the quiet ones

:spank: :evilgrin:

[Botany]

125. Rev. some points ......

Their is no such thing as an EDV ..... I made that up too.
*BZZT* Wrong. Thank you for playing.

EDV is from me
so it is plain to see
that the author is a man ......
who stands up to pee.

So anytime you or anybody else uses it (the term EDV) I expect
to get a royalty payment. Or I will have my lawyer from Snake,
Viper, Weasel, & Weasel on you like a Wisconsin mouth on a "brat."

***WHAT ABOUT INGA?
Could it be that the EDV driving the car was the obsessed ex-girlfriend of LARS? That she was scheming on how to rid Gull Bay of the EDV's, who were her (mistaken) rivals in Norwegian Love? Did she mistakenly jump into the car, not knowing Sven had taken matters into his own hands? That Sven was secretly in love with Lars (not that there's anything wrong with that), and he had to rid Lars from the temptation of Norwegian Vixen Love, once and for all?
too complex for me ......... But who gets the ludafiske (spelling?)

[crispini]

129. Royalties?

You've already said you don't like my method of payment. :evilgrin:

[RevCheesehead]

130. The lutefisk can go to the Mama Bay Aire.

As far as I'm concerned, that's the only practical use for it, anyways.

<on you like a Wisconsin mouth on a "brat."> :rofl::spray:

[WhirlyGirl]

124. 'I would suggest that ...

. . . you do not have to worry about any dangers to your self from FICTION. Got it?'

You would? Then substitute yourself in the death chapters, Botany. Or any of the other characters in the story -- why not substitute them, if they'd get off on it?

What I haven't *got* from you yet is a reply to my PM. It only requires a simple yes or a no -- though the thought behind the answer may turn out to be fairly complex.

[Botany]

127. O.K.

After a night of incredible love making Botany got up
to leave Stephanie Miller. In her longing to stay with him
she drove hurriedly down to the B & B office. But in
her lust driven hurry she ran over Botany and his
brains exploded all over the side of her car.

"Hmm, I wonder if the car wash will remove that junk?"

2nd topic you are free to post or not post in any thread
you want. You are an adult. Do what you want.

BTW ever see?

Field of Dreams and Fargo?

Field of Dreams ........ When James Earl Jones says "Oh you are one of those
people. 60's types." And sprays Kevin Costner with his hippie begone.
Save your good energy bad energy stuff. Been there bought the T Shirt, & been
on all the rides. I am a guy. We kid. We have been like that since one
primitive man grunted at another primitive man when he burned his butt
in the camp fire.

Fargo ....... "Would that be your partner in the wood chipper?" It is called
"over the top" humor. Just like Gull Bay. So far out of the real world as to
be funny. The real humor in Fargo was none of it was true and the people
were playing "roles."
BTW Wily E. Coyote does not really order anvils, explosives, and
jet powered roller skates from "Acme."

Also if I wanted to "kill you off" would I have had you catch a branch so
as to save yourself?

[WhirlyGirl]

131. 'It is called "over the top" humor. Just like Gull Bay.'

. . . Regardless of what the humor's "called," Botany, an audience member doesn't owe it to the writer to laugh at something that consistently makes her feel uncomfortable. And a comedy writer doesn't get personally insulted when a joke goes too far and lays an egg; he listens to the feedback he's getting and tries to watch where he's stepping.

Maybe the guy who said comedy is best left to professionals was right.

[Berry Cool]

132. Uh-oh. I must have missed the part where everything comes out happy

in the end.

If there is a place, please point me to it!

I do have to say that one teeny tiny aspect of my contributions to this literature is, I must confess, absolutely true.

I do like to eat burgers. With cheddar and onions, relish and ketchup and mustard.

Sometimes even Canadian cheddar. (Sorry, Rev.)

Otherwise...well, I don't really want anything to happen to Whirly, y'know? Why, it would put an end to a legendary rivalry, even if it didn't mean she was all fictionally dead and stuff.

So let's not be guilty of creeping out. It's more fun that way.

Besides, in my last scenario, Whirly was still in a booth, on her way to a real pleasant situation. *gulp*

On edit: And I don't in the least doubt that Gull Bay, at heart, is a soap opera. And in soap operas, people's doubles are always hurtling to their deaths, fooling people into thinking the person is really dead, when the character is actually still being theoretically kept alive and available to come back to the storyline as soon as contract negotiations are successfully concluded. It is at that time that it is explained that the person we saw hurtling to his/her death was, in fact, a double and not the actual character. (Had the contract negotiations been UNsuccessful, of course, it would have actually been the character and the Viking funeral would have commenced.)

I have absolutely no doubt that this is one of those situations.

So, will someone please satisfy Whirly's agent already, so her character can come back on the show? Come on. The fans are waiting.

[RevCheesehead]

133. Gull Bay: The Norwegians Strike Back (The Revenge of the Norsk)

Early the next morning, an urgent knock at the door woke Patsy from her passionate dream. Rubbing sleep from her eyes, she opened the door and gasped at what she saw.

"Good morning ma'am, I'm Agent Mulder, and this is Agent Scully. We're from the FBI, and we'd like to ask... ah, your group, some questions about an accident that happened here last night." Patsy quickly ushered them in, offering them freshly-brewed coffee, served in the now-famous KOEB Smiley mugs.

Agent Scully eyed the scene with barely-hidden disdain. "What is this? Some kind of club?" Patsy rolled her eyes, muttering under her breath, "darling, you'd never understand."

By this time, the other vixens were beginning to stir, covering their scantily-clad bodies with whatever clothing they could find. As they entered the main room, many began circling Agent Mulder, eying the newest testosterone specimen with interest.

"Ladies - and gentlemen, I think - we're here investigating an accident at the request of AD Skinner. Does anyone here own a kelly-green Jaguar?"

Panic siezed the hearts of the vixen, as Keith was nowhere to be found. To their horror, they realized that a few of their regulars were also missing: WhirlyGirl, BerryBush, Botany, and Miss Steph.

"We will need help in identifying the body. Will one of you volunteer to go along?" Horrified, the group looked at one another. Who could it be? What kind of accident? And where, oh where was the beloved Keith?

"I'll go," said Bleever. He was always one who could be counted on in difficult times, and this was no exception. "But, I'd sure appreciate some company. Crispini, would you?" So the two of them headed out the door with Agents Mulder and Scully, to the morgue of the Gull Bay Memorial Hospital.

The mood of the clubhouse was somber. Sparky made coffee and tea, and Sydnie whipped up some scrambled eggs, but nobody felt like eating or drinking. The Rev helped counsel them through their feelings, trying to restore calm to the panicked hearts of the close-knit group. But an air of sadness hung over the room, like the fog which clung close to Mt. Estro.

Again, there was a sharp knock at the door. Several vixen ran eagerly, hoping to see their long-lost friends. A look of severe disappointment crossed their faces as they saw Lars and Sven, rather flushed and far-too-perky for such an early hour.

"Ja, vee saw the green car vas gone, and vondered if your girly-man friend vas gone, too. Are you lonely, needing real-man love?" Anger flashed in the eyes of the vixen. Lars looked entirely too happy, and Sven had a certain suspicious bug-eyed look to him.

Catchawave grabbed a knife, and held it to Sven's throat, while Gina grabbed Lars by his small, undescended testicles. "Tell us - tell us now, and maybe, just maybe, you won't get hurt."

Tears came to their eyes, rather quickly, as Sven kept glancing at Gina's tight hold on Lars' family jewels. Panic overcame him, as he blurted out "It's my fault! I did it!"

(to be continued....)

[Botany]

135. The Sleeping Dog is Now Awake.

Botany sat in front of his Mac and pounded the keys. Outside 1/3 of a pound
of fresh ground round sizzled on his Weber Smoky Joe grill. Although it was time
for breakfast thoughts of burgers floated in his mind. Somehow he felt a
little "out of body" and wondered if he was really still on "terra ferma" or
if he was not in Valhalla. No matter he always was of the thought that if
you are unhappy or feeling creepy it is up to you to do something and not
up to others. "I am the captain of my fate and the master of my soul." He
said loudly as he skipped from cloud to mountain top to prairie sod with
ease. The burger on a lightly toasted kaiser roll w/ Vadalia onion, mustard,
relish, dill pickle, swiss cheese (from Bass Lake Cheese Somerset, WI) and bib
lettuce tasted out of this world and was nice greasy. Maybe too greasy
because a big drop of grease fell off the burger and dropped through a cloud.

"Hey, some of us are trying to talk down here. Watch your drippings." Came
a very familiar sounding Liverpool accent. The voice seemed like that of
an old friend. So Botany dropped down to the cloud below and found
none other than Abe Lincoln and John Lennon eating apples and telling jokes
about pistol safety.

Abe stroked his beard and asked, "What brings you up here?"

"Outside of his death?" Quipped Lennon.

"Well I got run over by Stephanie Miller in a story I was writing. Can you
look and see if the back of my head is still there? asked a nervous Botany.

Abe stood up and looked at the back of Botany's head and said, "Better see
St. Pete he fix you right up."

"And then I can go back to earth?"

"No but your dome will be more intact when the gang get together for
darts and to watch viking funerals."

BTW asked John, "You wrote your own death in a story? I can not
imagine why you would do that."

Abe flipped open his lap top and pulled up the "Gull Bay thread."
He read it quickly and rolled w/ laughter. "You spent your time and
effort writing this and somebody was whining ? Oh well I saved the
country and got shot for it. Just no pleasing some folks."

"Yes the fact that Whirly Girl was not hanging from a branch high
above above the crashing waves in a pretend cove off a pretend bay
and that you wrote all that stuff for free and to make people happy
seems not to have come her. So just walk away from the KOEB, EDVs
and Gull Bay it is easy if you try." said, John.

"No problem, Guys. Thanks. But John I don't have to hook up with
an older Asian lady, now do I."

"What ever get you through the night."

"Hush John, the Rev. has taken over w/ Berry at Gull Bay and has a
gay Scandinavian thread going."

"Yes, Abe we all know about that side of you. See you across the Universe,
Botany."

To the EDVs :hi:

[gkhouston]

136. hey, Botany -- is it true you bought your ticket to Paradise a week ago?

and did they give you a discount since half of your head didn't make the trip? :7

on edit: I'll swap if you like -- I can be dead and you can hold Lars' balls. :evilgrin:

[RevCheesehead]

137. ROFLMAO!

:rofl: you are too funny! :rofl:

[gkhouston]

138. he wouldn't even have to give up writing...

he could type one-handed and still hold Lars captive... that Norwegian was seriously shortchanged. He probably hangs out in the frozen North just so he can claim "shrinkage" as an excuse...

[crispini]

142. LOL

cute update, Botany! :P

[Botany]

146. Do not talk to me ...... I am DEAD!

:rofl:

[RevCheesehead]

139. Truth is stranger than fiction

As the FBI agents escorted Bleever and Crispini to the hospital, they began to fill them in with what scant details they knew.

"There was a 9-11 call made around midnight last night. The person said they saw a Green Jag headed up Mt. Estro, out of control. But when the sheriff got there, there was no car to be found at all. All we have is a woman's body, some strewn rubble on the road, and lots of questions."

They solemnly walked the long corridor to the morgue. Crispini was near tears, wondering if one of her dear friends was gone. She felt a slight pang of guilt, realizing the FBI agents told them it was a woman - at least, for now, her Keith was safe.

As they entered the morgue, Agent Scully warned them "there is no easy way to say this. The body is gruesome - hideous, even. I've never seen such a body as this before." Agent Mulder quickly added, "it's much like the Picture of Dorian Grey - almost as if pure evil took over all at once, killing the victim. But we have no idea who she is."

Crispini couldn't look, and buried her sensitive head in Bleever's strong shoulders. Gulping bravely, he said, "OK, I'm ready."

As Scully pulled back the sheet, all Bleever could manage to say was "holy fuck and a half." His one good eye was throbbing with excruciating pain, and he wished for a moment that he had brought along a spare eye-patch.

In a few moments, he could bear to look again, and squinted as he beheld the hideous sight. The body was beyond thin - it was anorexic, and he knew in an instant that this was no EDV which lay before him. He whispered to Crispini "it's not one of ours."

Crispini peeked out between her fingers and forced herself to gaze upon the pile of pure evil which lay before her. At first, she started crying with relief, gasping "it's not one of us...", but soon her tears turned to an almost maniacal laughter.

Agent Mulder asked her, "Ma'am, do you know who this is?"





(pregnant pause)







"OMFG, don't you know??? It's Ann Coulter!!!"

Scully and Mulder shook their heads in amazement. They should have known, but were prevented from truly seeing the truth (which was, indeed, "out there") because their FOX-lenses clouded their vision.

Mulder stammered, "now we've got a real mystery on our hands," as sounds of "BWAHahahahahaha..." could be heard echoing through the corridor of the hospital.

(to be continued)

[gkhouston]

140. okay, now *that* I was not expecting AT ALL.

:spray:

But where are the missing among our fold? And how are they variously, ahem, folded together?

[RevCheesehead]

141. patience, grasshopper...

Patience is the name of the game.
(think of it as "Antici -

















Pation.")

[crispini]

143. Excellent!

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

I can't *believe* you brought Scully and Mulder into it. Too funny. You're FABULOUS, dahling!



Hey, if we can't find Keef, I'm running off with Mulder and Scully. I :loveya: David Duchovny. Plus I've always wanted to be an FBI agent. :P

[RevCheesehead]

144. I can think of all kinds of creative uses

for you, Mulder, and the pink-lined furry handcuffs. :)

edit/ I think the true brilliance here was mentioning Skinner. I now expect payment in swedish fish, thank you.

[crispini]

145. Yes, exactly.

Swedish fish with bonus cat!



I think we need to have a DU smorgasbord. At the next meetup, the menu will feature:

1) Swedish Fish
2) Mojitos
3) Guinness

:evilgrin:

[Berry Cool]

147. This is all just too, too funny.

and I love the concept of the "cheeseburger in Paradise"...even if it DOES constitute stealing elements of MY plotline! *LOL*

I guess reading (and writing) Gull Bay just makes people hungry!

[Botany]

148. Burger Grease From Beyond the Grave .........

The EDV's brother who was a cop looked at the skid marks where
the car had lost control at Dead Women's Curve on the state
scenic route that went around Bay Air Cove and Gull Bay.

What could have caused the problem with the car?

His trained eye noticed a grease spot on the ground and
what looked like some swiss cheese from Bass Lake Cheese Factory.
He also noticed some apple cores their too. And was that some
lutefisk? This was indeed strange. How did it get there?

Above him a puffy white cloud floated and it seemed that burger
grease was falling from heaven. Were spirits trying to kill
people at this curve? And who were those strange looking folk
with the red & blond hair in the horned hats in the long boat on the
beach?

Not far away a Norwegian cross country skier was trying to get away
so as to escape back to the "old country," with the horned boat men
but he was held back by a pair of fur line handcuffs.

It was all too much for the officer so he gave the rest of his doughnuts
to the raven and the bay air family that had shown up and drove
back into the town of Gull Bay.

"See anything on patrol?" asked his captain.

"Just the usual. You want so as I get some cheeseburgers? You can
them eat as you read that book on Lincoln being gay and I listen to
some John Lennon."

"No thanks remember we will be eating at the class we taking tonight
on the botany of marijuana at Crimson River High School."

[Botany]

149. Road Trip

The trip had disaster written all over it from the get go. What
was the thought process behind a KOEB field trip? Why not
invite George W Bush and Dan Qualye to a spelling bee? But the
road to hell is paved w/ good intentions. Rev. Cheese had booked
a tour and wine tasting @ the Bass Lake Cheese Factory in Somerset,
Wisconsin for the group.

The papers in St. Paul, Madison, and the national wire services all
had picked up the story. "Scores Hurt and Damage in the Millions
as Cheese Kurd Riot Erupts." Was the headline in the Milwaukee
paper. "EDVs Run Wild" Was in bold print in the St. Paul Pioneer
Press. Yes, the "Somerset Six" was now national news. And the video
of the Wisconsin State Trooper with fur lined handcuffs as KOEB
gals danced around him and sang, "Your my Keith tonight." Was
getting plenty of play too.

When the judge asked "Crispini," if she had anything to say to the
court before sentencing, she quiped, "Guess they will not invite us
back your honor. We just had too much snark"

[RevCheesehead]

150. Revenge of the Norsk - Part II

Catch tightened her grip on the knife, pointing in even closer to Sven, and said menacingly, "Talk, or your buddy goes 'Uffda', and not in a happy way."

Sven gulped, and began his story:
"Vee vere minding our own business, gathering berries near the drivevay, vhen an ugly Bay-Aire came by. She vas drunk, I Svear. Just as vee vere ready to run, she sniffed the air, let out a shriek, and bolted from the area.

Denn dis hideous lady comes walking down the road. She vants to know, have vee seen your girly-man? Ja, vee said, he is vith the dangerous vixen-ladies. So she offers us money and our own TV news show, only if vee help her. So vee say "Ja, OK."

"Get to the point, buster," growled Gina, as her grip tightened on Lars' tender nether-region. Lars whimpered in agony.

"Ja, ja, OK - so she asks us if vee can 'fix' a car for her. Vee say, sure, vee try - then she says "I vant you to fix it so it has an accident. The driver doesn't valk avay." So vee figure, hey, it's a good vay to get rid of girly-newsman, so vee found the car and broke? Vee fixed the brakes."

Gina let out a gasp, and released Lars, who fell to the floor in agony. "Which car was it, buster?"

"The Jaguar."

Patsy bellowed, "and what happened to the woman? Who was she?"

"Vee do not know. But she is thin, ja, und very ugly. Looks like a broom vith hair."

"And who got into the green Jag?" asked Gogi, who threatened to roll over Lars with her wheelchair.

Crying, Lars replied, "it vas da lady. Vee run after her, but she just laughed at us. She say "go get your own damned news show, losers." Vee scream after her, "you got the wrong car," but she vas laughing and shrieking, and did not hear us.

Just then, the door burst open, as Bleever and Crispini returned from their trip to the morgue. Flushed, Crispini blurted out, "you'll never guess! Not in a million years!"

From behind the bar, Sparky's voice was heard to say "it was Ann Coulter, wasn't it?" Then the sound of a loud slap was heard, as the Rev's voice said "would you please focus here???"

[RevCheesehead]

151. Admittedly, not my best work ....

but still -

I NEED MATERIAL, PEOPLE!!!

[Berry Cool]

152. "Just a darn tootin' minute," said a voice in the distance

...and into the midst of the gathering walked BerryBush.



"Now, mind you," she said, looking at them all, "I don't want to ruin the joy and jubilation that all of us are surely feeling at the thought of Ann Coulter going off a cliff. But I do think there is a small point of clarification that needs to be made here."

The Rev looked at her, eyebrows raised. "And what would that be, pray tell?"

A smugness appeared on Berry's face as she tilted her chin up ever so slightly in the way she had seen her favorite girly-newsman, as Sven had called him, do many a time before. "THIS man is not telling the whole truth," she said, pointing to him.

Bleever and Crispini stared at her in disbelief. Could she possibly already know what they knew...that which no one would ever guess?

"What truth do YOU think he's not telling?" said Crispini. "We know what truth WE think he's not telling. Yes, we did make a positive ID of the body. The skeletal appearance...the scorched eye patch...and, most of all, the completely empty cardiac cavity. That was the real clincher. Our eyes locked over her and we said, 'Oh, it's Ann, all right.'"

Bleever tried to press her more. "Not telling the WHOLE truth?" he asked. "What do you think the whole truth is, Berry?"

Berry grinned. "The truth that's out there," she said, waving generally at the landscape. "And here. Which is that...these horny devils were NOT 'gathering Berrys by the driveway' as they claim they were when all this started. Hah! As if I would ever consent to be 'gathered' by this bunch! No! They lie about that small detail." She was silent for a moment to let the implications sink in. "Now, the question is how much ELSE they are lying about. And, if indeed the victim of their little accident WAS Ann Coulter...whatever happened to our so-called Girly Newsman, anyway? And whatever happened to the Whirled One? Surely they must be somewhere."

Gina, whose fingers were finally beginning to un-cramp from the rather unpleasant position they had been in for approximately a month while she waited for the plotline to move forward, spoke. "No, they mustn't. And don't call me Shirley."

The group groaned collectively at the ancient joke. Bleever and Crispini's eyes locked again, much like her pink-fur handcuffs. No, Berry wasn't yet aware of what THEY were aware of.

"I think Berry is right," piped up Gogi. "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark...er, I mean Sweden."

"You got it," said Patsy. "And I say we should find out what it is!"

Suddenly, Sparky and the Rev both burst into speech. It was a moment before anyone could hear either of them clearly, but when they finally could, it sounded something like, "WOULD YOU LET BLEEVER AND CRISPINI TELL US EXACTLY WHAT IT IS THAT WE WOULD NEVER GUESS, PLEASE???"