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mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-17-09 10:56 AM
Original message
starting over at 55
so, DH and i are in a bad spot right now. i think that it might blow over. i think i can see what his problem is, and why he is reacting like he is, but for the present i am sleeping on the couch. (midlife crisis, i guess you could say.)
this is not the first bad spot we have had. in fact the whole relationship has been a lot of work. he does not talk until i get in his face. he would pout forever if i would let him. we did split up for a while a couple years ago. just a couple of weeks. there were some mitigating factors, and basically all was pretty well after a little work. for quite a while after that we both felt pretty secure. lately, tho, the old passive aggressive crap that he brought from his family has returned.
here is my problem- we have 4 kids together. the baby is 16. 3 of them still live at home, plus my daughter will be moving in soon. i have not had a job in 25 years.
i have kinda crappy health- fibromyalgia and some assorted other shit. not enough to get any kind of disability, but enough to interfere with a steady job. i have been trying for the last 10 years to get a career as an artist started. but my kids have had so many problems, and i have so much trouble with my body, that i am lucky i was able to even make any art. i just have not been able to get it out there where the money is.
we have a goodly amount of assets, and i am sure i would get a good settlement, especially if things play out the way i expect them to now. but i don't think it will be enough to live on, and, importantly, i don't thing it will be enough for me to hang on to our big house.
i love this house as much as i love him. i have poured much of myself into it, remodeling many parts of it with my own hands. it is full of one of a kind tile jobs, cabinets that i built in the super great kitchen. full of me, and something i have always wanted. we have lived here for 22 years.

right now i just can't sort out how i feel about this marriage from how afraid i am to start over. this has been a big chunk of my emotional landscape all these last 25 years, to some extent. but it seems almost cruel and unusual punishment to leave me hanging here with many fears and few hopes. once upon a time i would have been able to start over. but who the hell would hire a 55 yo woman with no real salable skills?
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elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-18-09 07:09 PM
Response to Original message
1. DEAR mop, SO SORRY for you.
I've been throught/am still going through a mess of a situation, but our stories are different. I've had to sue my husb for my share of assets from sale of our wonderful house, which used to be our wonderful home. Daughters away in college. (Older daughter having surgery for p---- cyst tomorrow.)

I'm away from internet more than usual now, as I've moved (3rd time since '06) and don't have a connection at home yet, but there's Starbucks and McD's.

pm me if you'd like.

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AwakeAtLast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-18-09 08:19 PM
Response to Original message
2. That sounds like you've got a lot going on
Edited on Tue Aug-18-09 08:20 PM by AwakeAtLast
I would say that I have been in the same boat, but not to the extent that you are.

I have found a lot of good online help. I just googles "Coping/healing from divorce/separation" or the like and had many things come up. I could read for days solid on some of the sites.

Have you thought about teaching art to adults for money? It could supplement what you make from your artistic pieces.

I wish you much luck and healing!


edited reply title
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mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-19-09 09:46 AM
Response to Reply #2
3. i live in a city full of teachers, and artists with degrees.
to say nothing of small art centers and schools. and especially with the economy like it is, without my degree, it would be a really tough sell.
the one friend that i have that could give me a job that i would be great at runs a non-profit gallery. i have done much for her over the years, and i don't think she would tell me no. (although she might have a few words of advise about my attire!) especially since she knows that the paychecks there are sometimes late, or occasionally just not there.

i do thing that things are going to blow over here, but it remains a constant for me that i have built my life on a sandy foundation.
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SheilaT Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Aug-19-09 11:02 AM
Response to Original message
4. If you have not held paid employment
for 25 years you cannot get disability. You must have paid into the system for a number of quarters in recent years, so forget that completely.

What exactly do you mean with no real salable skills? You have at least some computer literacy. Do you know Word or Excel or Access or PowerPoint? You've probably done volunteer work through kids' school or perhaps your church. All of this helps.

You need to go about any job search, as well as any possible end of your marriage, in an orgnized fashion. If there is a community college anywhere nearby get in touch with them and they'll help with a resume. They'll also have classes to build computer skills. They have many programs which lead to degrees or certifications in many fields.

I'll be 61 on Sunday. My divorce became final a year ago. I also had not worked for twenty-five years, but I'd built good computer skills along the way. I went back to school and got a paralegal degree and it hasn't been all that hard to get an entry-level job. Of course, an entry-level job doesn't pay huge sums of money, so I'm living very frugally and making it.

The most important thing is to be realistic about the state of your marriage and what kind of work you can get. Kids over age 18 or out of high school can support themselves. Do NOT impoverish yourself for them. Do not hang on to a big house you can't afford, no matter how much you live it. You can learn to love a very small space.

It's tough, and only you can make the final decision about everything.
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EFerrari Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-24-09 04:29 AM
Response to Original message
5. I haven't found anyone who will hire me in nearly two years.
You know I love you, mo. And if you can make it work, make it work. I don't miss my ex but I miss the business I spent 15 years building. Not only the money but all of it that he got in the divorce.

I'm going to have to let go of this place for a while and move in with family until I have an income. I'd rather shoot myself but there it is.

This isn't a good time to be a mid fifties woman looking to get back into the market.
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mopinko Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-24-09 08:09 AM
Response to Reply #5
6. it's pretty much blown over. but, god, i hate being the grown-up.
i think this one was a record- not speaking for 5 days. sleeping on the couch. just so fucking exhausting. and predictable. one of those stupid boy things.

but it is so fucked up that every fight i have to worry about ending up on the street. i never thought i would end up like this. i am trying to fight off the anger of finding out that after all the doctors, including the ones who pretty much told me i was crazy, and all the tests, and all the pills, and all the other bullshit, i have apnea. i haven't gotten my cpap yet, but it will be a mixed blessing. i will feel a lot better, but i will have to reconcile that i lost control of my life over something so simple. life is crazy.

so sorry you are having to move in with family sweetie. so sorry you are loosing your little place, too. such a beautiful little spot on the globe there. it is just not right that you can't find a way to make a living. i hope that you are at least writing. keep writing. nobody can take that away from you. maybe it wont be as bad as you are expecting. my oldest is moving back in. i am determined to make it not a nightmare. she needs to get through college, and i am so glad she is dumping her boyfriend. he is a boneheaded boy.
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EFerrari Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Aug-25-09 06:54 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. It is tiresome to be the grown up all the time.
No kidding.

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