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how do you ever ever trust again?

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mzteris Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-07-09 07:11 PM
Original message
how do you ever ever trust again?
I've had trust issues all my life (child abuse, bad choices in men, etc...). Yet it seems that those "suspicions" and questions and doubts have always "proved out", ya know? So it paid to be a bit paranoid and questioning in the end.

And yet, my relationship now - this guy seems so wonderful and seems so sincere -but still I question every little thing. I doubt. I suspect. I makek "jokes" about where's he's been and what he's been doing. I'm suspicious of the least thing and then try to create scenarios that fit my suspicions.

How do I ever get over that?
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elleng Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu May-07-09 09:00 PM
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1. I don't know, but I think you must,
especially if you are creating scenarios, and probably bad stuff as a consequence.

Find a professional to help you; I'm sure there are many.

Good Luck!
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comtec Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Aug-24-09 09:16 AM
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2. be open to being 'wrong'
part of paranoia is placing the cards such that you are always right.
your experience definitely seems to give you reason for your feelings - I know mine does.
but it seems that we tend to also adjust things so that we can say "AH-HA! See I TOLD you it would fall apart!"

I'm having trust issues with my wife. They are more about subtle lack of details more than out right lying...and I don't really know how to trust her again.

I still love her. but it's hard not to be bitter, and snap at her when she says something stupid about certain topics.

But I love her, so I try harder. She loves me so she tries harder.
I desperately hope one day I can bring myself to fully forgive her.
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Eurobabe Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Aug-30-09 01:35 PM
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3. Agree with elleng
The best thing to do is get some counseling. It will really help you sort things out so you can begin to trust yourself first, and then learn to trust others. Best of luck you, you can do this.
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Liberty Belle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jan-03-10 02:19 AM
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4. I just broke off with an asshole who doubted me because others had screwed him over
I was the only honest person this friend ever had, but he threw it all away.

Don't make that mistake.

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The Doctor. Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jan-04-10 08:47 PM
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5. I'm going to be in your position for decades to come.... but I think I have some solutions.
They aren't easy ones.

My now ex told me everything I wanted to hear, and nothing I needed to hear. I recognized this some years before the divorce, and started to tell her that a marriage can't work that way.

It got worse.

To my face, she'd tell me she'd 'stick around forever', and would 'never leave'.

To her friends and family she called me a monster... why?

Because I told her things she needed to hear, like; "I'll stop punishing the children for going into your purse when you stop bringing cocaine home in it."

And; "Yes I took the keys and stopped you from driving away because you're drunk.

As well as every time I brought up any behavior of hers that was destructive. That made ME the monster.

She did not want to face what she was and grow up, so instead, she lied to me, lied about me, betrayed me, abandoned me, perjured herself, etc.

My solution?

Never lower my standards ever again. I thought she had 'potential', but she had fooled me. Told me all the right things.

Look for/test for introspection; ask them about the things they've done and why. If they cannot explain actions that may have been 'emotional responses', then they are likely a sort of person that will cover up self-awareness. They are likely going to lie.

That's basically what the insecure tend to do.

In women; look for athletics and mastery of logistics.

In men; look for a willingness to confront their emotional and structural failings.

I know this seems a bit disjunct; but it's a very good set of guidelines I understood from behaviorism years ago... and I sadly ignored due to an unfortunate subjectivity... I knew better.

You CAN trust again, I promise you.

The problem is deciding what it will take to do so. I have my own criteria, and I am willing to accept that my criteria might disqualify a woman who might otherwise be the love of my life.

I am willing to accept the possibility of being without a partner for the rest of this life.

I will not 'settle' ever again.

Do not settle.
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