So...I went to a party

[YankeyMCC]

well it was a poker game, about 20 people, three tables, mostly guys but a few women too. The kind of thing I've enjoyed in the past, although it has been a couple years since my friends and I have managed to get a good one together.

This group of people were all strangers except one and I did not know the host. But I thought I would enjoy it, meet some new people play a little texas hold-em, have a couple beers.

Not to be. I've never been a social butterfly so to speak, but out of a group of 20 people I usually find someone or two to talk to but not this night. I thought I this get together would be a good thing for me but somehow I guess I was not ready for it.

I stood and sat around listening and smiling at jokes and stories (most of the people there were EMT's and paramedics - great stories abound in that group) but I felt more disconnected than I ever have at a party. I don't think I said more than few words outside of initial greetings. Maybe I was a little tired, I had to get up early that morning to complete some work in order to be done in time to justify going to the poker game.

I just found myself not able to connect to anyone, feeling a little uncomfortable watching the host couple - not married but they recently bought the condo together - and a married couple there who seemed very much connected to each other.

I ended up leaving very early in the night and I feel like crap about it. It wasn't like I was out looking for a date, or that any of the people there were aware of my situation and wondering or asking about my situation, it should've been a nice relaxing and fun night.

And I couldn't pull it off. It's like watching yourself make a mistake and not being able to do anything about it.

[Wapsie B]

1. That sounds a lot like what I would do.

That's all I see somedays when I go out; couples who seem very connected. Even on the road at times I find myself seeing all the couples in their cars, thinking I'm the only one alone. I know that's wrong, and many of those couples are not connected at all.
If something doesn't feel right to me I just leave. I go to parties like that occasionally and have the hope of meeting someone I can connect with on a friendly basis. Not even talking about meeting a woman; just a guy who I can be friends with. Many times I believe it's best to not have any expectations at all. That's what I've found anyway.

[mzteris]

2. not an odd experience at all

though it still hurts.

:hug:

You're not alone, if that is any consolation. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.

I think it's normal to feel that way. Well not normal, maybe - but certainly typical.

To no longer be a part of a whole. You're just a whole by yourself. Only you feel like a HOLE instead. It seems as if everyone else has something you don't. And then it raises that WTF did I "go wrong" in my relationship question. And you miss the good part of that relationship and wonder if maybe you could have made it work somehow and for a moment you forget al that bad crap - and

especially when you're at a place where you know no one, really. And you've lost the knack of "mingling" because you always before had an ANCHOR in the room - if it was that someone you no longer loved or whatever - but still, they were a comfortable spot to retreat to - to attach to - to venture out from.

And now - no one's got your back.

Yeah. It sucks.

So I sit here on my puter talking to strangers 'cause it's easier than trying to "go out". cause there you have to worry about how you look and what you wear and your hair and if you're laughing too loud and wondering if people are looking at you because you got that little bit of spinach stuck in your teeth or toilet paper stuck to your shoe. And you think of all the witty things you SHOULD have said on the way home. And is that person talking to you because they like you and find you interesting or because they're bored or because they've taken pity on you. I don't know how to read people anymore.

And here you can at least edit or delete if you really want to, but you usually don't 'cause what the hey - it's the 'net and not IRL.