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silverweb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-09-08 02:48 PM
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Interesting Salon article today:
_15 years without knocking boots_

It's written by a middle-agd female writer, who's complaining but denying that she's complaining, and the comments are fascinating, too. I relate to her, but not to her yearnings.

Of course, I'm also older. And I have twice as many cats as she has. And I've been married twice and had one fabulous child from each marriage, both of whom are now adults who make me tear up with maternal pride. I have advantages.

But this paragraph resonated with me: I am too attached to my comforts, to my books and threadbare oriental rugs and the two cats. As an oft-married friend exclaimed the first time she saw my little house, "This is exactly how I would have lived if I hadn't had all those husbands."

Okay, so I've got 4 cats rather than just 2, and I have zero oriental rugs. Otherwise, this is my life -- without the yearning for a "relationship."

My life used to be full of relationship drama, but no more. Not since 1989, with one brief exception about 5 years ago, and he was actually subversively shopping for a live-in nurse/helpmate with advantages before his upcoming open heart surgery. Of course, he didn't mention his medical condition when he was working on making me fall in love with him. I'm very grateful that the other unwitting applicant "won" the job.

I thank my daughter for seeing through his pretenses and warning me that "something is off here." It sounded too familiar, like the millionaire gay neighbor with AIDS who wanted me to marry him and take care of him so he wouldn't need to hire nurses, and he'd leave me "everything."

As things are, I work from home on line and happily go days at a time without interacting face to face with another human being. I leave my casita/computer/cats/garden to shop or whatever once or twice a week. I'm not agoraphobic, but I just can't be bothered to go out unless I have a good reason.

I have three bookcases full of books that I love, and one reason I go out is to visit my favorite used bookstores for more. I help causes I believe in mostly from my computer, sometimes in person. I'm in daily touch with distant friends and family on AIM, Skype, and by email.

My life is materially very simple and I want for nothing. Many people would think of me as "poor" but I feel rich. The artist's drawing in the article of the woman reading in bed with her cat next to her is me x4 cats.

As the oft-married friend told the author of the article, "This is exactly how I would have lived if I hadn't had all those husbands." I'm both of them -- the author and her friend quoted here. I've had two husbands that I chose to leave, and I have one grown child that I adore from each marriage. They make me tear up with maternal pride on a regular basis. I'm entirely happy and content -- more so than for those 40 years between my 20s and 50s. No yearnings for a different life. No interest in a relationship, another marriage, or giving up my autonomy.

Count your blessings. List them on one half of a page, then list your complaints on the other half and compare. The results may surprise you. Be content. Cherish your autonomy. Love humanity, even if you don't like being around other people most of the time (see Peanuts/Linus). Be happy.
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Muttocracy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue Dec-16-08 12:02 AM
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1. That was a lovely essay, as is yours :) nt
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:07 AM
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2. Nice essay
And I totally relate to the author. Don't have a cat, but I have lots of books. ;-)

Been divorced for 11 years, with little stops every few years, but nothing serious. I had an emotionally abusive marriage. So for quite a number of years, I was terrified I was going to be attracted to a similar person, not be able to recognize someone worth being attracted to. Intellectually, I know not all men are like that. Neither my father nor my brother was/is. It's just that I have had difficulty crossing paths with more mentally healthy men. I think I've about got the rotten stuff out of my system.

For the most part, I've been content solo. Lately however, I have longed for a relationship. Dating? So far it's just been "interesting" experiences. Ones that are OK, but nothing special and one really rotten one. The one thing about internet dating that really concerns me, is when I meet a guy for the first time, he seems 7-8 steps ahead of me in terms of attraction. He is already attracted to me and wants to immediately have sex. I'm just thinking "wow, I've known you five whole minutes. I don't know if I like you yet or not, let alone whether or not I want to sleep with you." I hate feeling the need to immediately put on the brakes. Lately, I've taken to saying, "This is just coffee, not a tacit agreement to hook up. That mismatch in expectations is very difficult for me to negotiate.

I would very much like to find someone I can think of as a friend first, lovers as we go along. But I don't know if anyone is still interesting in relating this way anymore.

Sign me,

Dating, putting myself out there, but still confused as all hell. And trying not to calcify into my solo habits so much that I reject any and all forms of love.

P.S. The Comments section is horrible! :wow:

A few supportive people, and lots of rancorous douche bags!

Thanks for the interesting link. :-)
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