Self hatred and apathy

[davidthegnome]

I'm going to do something I rarely do here and be honest about how I really feel.

My life sucks. It sucks so much that I can barely force myself out of bed most afternoons (I usually sleep right through the morning) in order to start my day. I am someone who has failed at all of the important aspects of life and someone who tortures himself with his failures.

I am a father of a five year old boy. I am twenty three years old. I have not seen my son since I was twenty. I lived a very unhappy life with his mother and we broke up - I wanted something more for my family, we were always broke, always struggling for money. I was never able to hold on to a job, on those rare occasions when I found them. Dishwashing and telemarketing, odd jobs.

I met her on the internet years ago, she lived in South Dakota and I in maine - she came here to live with me for two years, then I spent a year with her. We lived with my parents, with her parents, in an apartment, in a few different houses. We had two children - her daughter and our son. (Biologically speaking)

I left South Dakota three years ago to go back to Maine and build a life, a future for myself. I failed miserably. I've applied for dozens, perhaps hundreds of jobs. I failed to get a job at Mcdonalds and Burger King. I didn't even get called in for an interview. No criminal record - GED educated.

So I decided to do the thing I dreaded and go to school. I applied at a small University up here in Maine (Fort Kent) and I liked it, things seemed to be going well. I wanted to be a psychiatrist. A week before school was to start I had a breakdown. Sudden, constant panic attacks, in a constant state of high anxiety (acute, that's what they call it isn't it?) and could do nothing but fret that I was about to die. Or go mad.

I couldn't read, I couldn't watch movies, I couldn't focus on anything for an extended period of time. Every minute of every day was fear, and dread, and more fear, and more dread. Instead of going to school I spent what would have been the first week in a crisis center. I was put back on medication (I'd gotten off of it three months before).

Over time (it's been over a year now) I have slowly regained my ability to focus. The panic attacks have all but vanished. They have been replaced by a feeling of intense depression, apathy, self hatred. I despise myself for my failure to support my son. I despise myself for leaving him - I despise myself for being unmotivated and uninspired. I despise myself for smoking - my parents buy them for me, I have no job, couldn't do it myself.

I despise my medications because I feel they have numbed me, I despise myself because I cannot cry, and I rarely laugh at anything.

I have a girlfriend... not entirely sure how that happened, that lives in Boston and am supposed to visit her on Friday. For a week. I was supposed to quit smoking (she demanded it) and I couldn't handle the withdrawal. I despise myself for letting her down. She doesn't believe in mental illness, tells me every time I complain that I'm feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am, maybe she is right. Now she tells me she won't allow me to smoke while I'm there. It almost convinced me not to go, now I admit that I am wodnering if I can manage to be sneaky about it.

Every day I do the same things over and over again. I play games or read books to take my mind off of how bad life sucks. I come to the forums here and read to distract myself from my own life. I am unproductive, I am unhappy, I am constantly tired and feel like nothing will ever change. I am a complete waste of a human being.

I want to change, but I'm too damn lazy to try. I want to care, but something blocks my heart and I can't even cry. I want to live, but I feel like I'm the walking dead.

I hate myself and I hate my life and I know I should stop kicking myself but I can't. Does anyone else feel this way? Am I alone in the universe? God life sucks.

At the moment, I'm debating whether or not to get drunk. I never drink, but somehow today my depression has just sucked even worse than usual. My girlfriend yelled at me for failing to quit smoking, maybe that was it. I promised her I would you see, but I broke that promise because I'm weak and lazy.

Yes, alcohol is looking very, very good.

[hermetic]

1. Hello David

I'd like to tell you, first, that you are NOT alone. There are many other people who are going through the same sorts of feelings. You'll even see a few of them in this Group.

I cannot tell you what to do but I would strongly suggest you give up the girl friend. Anyone who doesn't "believe" in mental illness cannot possibly be a friend to you. Also, at this point you need more than a friend, you need to be talking to a psychiatrist. And there is no shame in that. It may take a bit of trial and error to find one who is right for you. Perhaps your parents could help you with that. Since you are living with them, they should be your support team.

There are many medications now that can also help you through this. I know some of them have terrible side effects, but not all of them. And a good doctor can help you with that, too.

I also know, only too well, how appealing alcohol is for easing the pain. But, as a psychologist once said, "Drinking doesn't drown your sorrows, it just irrigates them."

I sincerely hope you can find the help you need. Please keep in touch with us here and let us know how it goes. There really is hope for you. And, again, you are not alone. Perhaps Droopy will stop by here and offer to send you his story. You should read it. It might help you realize that things can be made better.

I wish you the very best.

:hug:

[fed-up]

2. you are not alone-one hour at a time is what I try to get through when times are really tough

Are you on meds right now?

If so you need to check in with your doc as they don't sound like they are adjusted properly.
If not, it might be helpful if you do check in with a doc as you sound close to crisis mode.

As far as the girlfriend goes, I don't see much hope for someone that "doesn't believe in mental illnes". It is real and if she can't understand that she will never really "be there for you". She sounds like a control freak that has little to no compassion or empathy for you.

While quitting smoking is always a noble goal, it is advised that one not try to quit when under stress or due to someone else's demands. It sounds like you are very stressed/and or depressed right now. You did not break the promise because you are weak or lazy, you broke it because now is just not the right time, no need to beat yourself up for putting it off until you are in better shape to deal with that issue on your own terms.

Drinking, heck save the money for a meal out, drinking only distorts your perception of things and believe me I now fully understand what "delusional thinking" is all about. It is when you keep repeating to yourself that nothing will ever work out, when in reality things evetually will.

Try not to blame yourself for what is a chemical imbalance in your system that you have little control over except for trying to find the right meds that will put things in working order again.

We post in this forum because we almost all have been through or are going through what you are feeling right now and because we care.

Please keep checking in and let us know how you are doing. Things will get better! (even if that is hard for you to believe right now)

[davidthegnome]

3. Drinking wasn't a good idea

It's why I almost never do. Two glasses are enough to make me wish I hadn't. Unfortunately, my self pity got the better of my common sense last night.

I'm on two medications - 150 MG of zoloft once a day, and a miligram of xanax every day (split up into four tablets, four times a day). That in itself is reason enough not to try to drink myself to sleep. I've just been so out of sorts lately. A month ago I was working out every day, taking an online course for medical transcription, starting to feel better about myself. Something killed the momemtum, it didn't last long.

My girlfriend - we go back ten years. She's always been this way, conservative, doesn't believe in mental illness, often tells me how much she hates smoking and what an idiot I am for doing it. I've made promises before, that I would quit, and have been unable to keep them. People who have quit tell me that I just need to "friggin do it", and maybe they're right.

She gave me a wake up call this morning, as she usually does. I got to listen to a long speech about how badly I'd screwed up - how she'd told her mother I had quit. How I certainly wasn't going to be smoking when I got there - how she wouldn't marry a smoker, and so on. Then I was told to get a job, and told what assholes my parents were - she thinks all of my problems are their fault because they drink a bottle of wine every night.

We often have conversations like this. She demands I change, grow up, get a job, quit smoking. She's right, I have to do it but I just feel like I can't.

I've been planning this trip for months. Haven't seen her since October. We're very opposite in many important aspects of life - yet I love her, and have for a long time. Nonetheless, some times I really feel like a punching bag.

Ironically I had a therapy appointment at 10 - she woke me up at 9:30 to yell at me and wasn't finished till 10. Takes me half an hour to get into town - so I called into my therapist's office and told him my (well, my mother's) car wouldn't start. I know, lying is a bad habit.

What should I do? I'm thinking that maybe I'll get a patch today, put it on tomorrow and just suffer through the next week. I did promise her I'd go, and if I don't show up it's likely to be the end of our relationship. Anyone else in this position, I'd tell them not to go, to break up with her. But I'm, I don't know, kind of uh... addicted to her I guess. Even more than to smoking.

I want to do the right thing. I should just put the patch on first thing tomorrow morning and get it over with. I just wish she wasn't so ignorant, she's never been addicted to anything, and she told me this morning "You get to quit while you're here, because you didn't do it at home. I hope you enjoy it." Oh yeah, withdrawal is a blast babe, when I'm done shaking like a lunatic and having panic attacks maybe I'll do a little happy dance or something.

[qb]

4. I would call her and postpone the visit.

You do not need that stress on top of everything else you're going through. Focus on yourself, not her. I know what it's like to be in an addictive relationship with a controlling person. I tried many times to stand up for myself but just didn't have the stamina. It is so hard when it seems like the other person will never ever give in.

As a small step towards claiming some autonomy for yourself try telling her "no" on the smoking issue. You can quit after you've tackled some of your other issues. Stand your ground. If she threatens to break up with you, tell her to do what she needs to do. It appears that she is as hooked on you as you are on her.

Ultimately, any changes you make have to be because you want to change, not because she wants you to. I really hope you get some help with your depression. It is painful to read how you despise yourself. Just from the way you write you sound like a great guy... a great guy who's made some mistakes. We all have. So hang in there. I wish you well.

[fed-up]

5. she is addicted to her own ignorance/sabotage & trying to control you.

Did she know that you had an appointment this morning when you were on the phone, did she call to wake you up for the appointment and then made sure that you missed it?

If so, she is NOT looking out for your best interests

"Ironically I had a therapy appointment at 10 - she woke me up at 9:30 to yell at me and wasn't finished till 10 "

[Wildewolfe]

6. You can't

... love someone else, while you hate yourself. It just doesn't work. Do your therapy. Tell her to call back or you will call her back. If she won't do that well... see all the other posters above. Some things you have to put yourself as highest priority for... this is one of them.

As for the smoking... when you are ready and not before... if you are having probs kicking the beast and have decent med insurance try chantix... I smoked for 24 years 2 packs a day and simply could not quit... 3 months of chantix and I've been quit for 9 months now... it works where other stuff fails. You still have to want to quit, but it takes the physical craving away.

[davidthegnome]

7. She didn't know about the appointment.

She hates my therapist with a passion, believes therapy is nonsense and that I'm paying someone to like me. Well, technically my insurance company is paying. She doesn't even know I see a therapist anymore because I don't talk to her about it.

As for not being able to love anyone else while I hate myself... I don't believe that's true. I love my family, my friends, I love her. More important (to me) than self love, is that others love me.

I do want to quit smoking, but I don't feel ready. I tried chantix a couple months ago - and honestly, I don't feel that it helped with the physical cravings. Or maybe it was entirely the psychological cravings that made me cave in, I don't know.

I am tempted to tell her that I will smoke until I decide I'm ready to quit, and that she will have to deal with it or deal without me... but I'd be bluffing. Would she know I was bluffing? If she accepted the bluff, would she tell me to get lost?

I know what it's like to be completely alone. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want to lose her. We used to make each other so happy, the time we spent together in October was the time of my life. She was so gentle then, so sweet and kind. Now things are changing... and I'm starting to panic (not surprising, Panic disorder was the diagnosis, after all) again.

Between a rock and a hard place. I've been looking forward to this trip for months, didn't know until a few days ago what was in store for me. I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this 5 by 8 room, afraid to come out, to leave the safety of my computer. I want to go out there and live... so far she's inspired me to want to really live, to do more than survive.

Now I just feel so lost.

[Wildewolfe]

8. On the chantix

... there is two parts to making it work... the physical that it works on... and the psychological that it doesn't do squat for. I had to get a fake cig that I could suck on to satisfy the mind crave for the first 2 weeks I was quit. It would give a menthol taste when used.

The bottom line though... don't hate yourself... cigs are the most addictive stuff on the planet. When you're ready and not stressed then try again... don't beat yourself up on them and try... stress is what makes you want to smoke... stress yourself over cigs and you literally probably can't quit. Don't sweat the small stuff... it will come and you will quit when it's time.

[qb]

9. Wow. I know what it's like to be that stuck on someone.

Bring your smokes with you. Best of luck.

[davidthegnome]

10. Thank you all

Thank you all for your advice - and my thanks to who ever sent me the heart as well.

I stood up for myself and said what I really felt. Which resulted in an hour long arguement - but seems that it might have some good results. I cried, and she cried, and I think we both had to. Tomorrow will tell really, going to go to sleep and wait for that wake up call. Good thing neither of us are particularly fond of valentine's day (bad memories from previous relationships).

I told her that I will quit when I can. I need something to get me out of this room, out of this house. I'm spending so much time and energy looking for work and finding nothing - it would be a big help. I'd volunteer - but I live in the middle of no where where no one requires volunteer services (aside from shovelling roofs and driveways, which I do for free - or for cookies and hot chocolate) - so I can't afford the gas.

Fortunately my dad is lending me money for this trip, in return for all the chores I've done over the last few months. A few more to do before I leave Friday... if I'm going. Guess I'll know when I wake up. If nothing else, it was a relief to be honest and tell her how I really felt.

Thank you all for responding, for your encouragement and advice, it's very comforting that people understand and care.