Help - I need advice.

[Dirty Hippie]

I'm in a quandary.

The basics:

My sister has suffered from depression since her teens (she is 50).

After a suicide attempt in June, after a relationship break-up, I invited her to come and live with me.

Her physical condition also deteriorated, she has since been diagnosed with fibromyaligia (sp?).

Now, she no longer works. She is receiving treatment, for both her mental health issues and her physical ones.

However, she now spends most of her time in bed. She takes a lot of prescribed painkillers.

More and more, I am supporting her financially.


The problem:

I feel resentful. (There, I said it). I do.

I've worked hard my whole life, raised kids as a single mom, and often had more than one job.

I've suffered depression. But in fairness, not to the extent my sister has.

I always felt that my work helped me through those times.


The rant:

I would be crazy and depressed without working. It seems like the chicken or the egg. Does the depression make you not able to function or does not functioning make you depressed?

I've raised my kids. I would much rather live alone.

And if I did choose to live with someone, I would want that person to contribute to my household financially and in other ways (could she just wash a dish ferchrissake?).

Calm down:

Aside from my needs, am I helping or hurting her? I'm no doctor, certainly no mental health professional. I just see this situation spiraling downward.

I cannot say if the pain meds are necessary. Hell, I don't think the medical profession has a general consensus about fybromyalgia.

Conclusion:

Please don't waste your keyboard fingers telling me I'm doing a great thing. I'm no angel. Sometimes I feel like she is taking advantage of me and then I don't know.

The bottom line is if she genuinely needs this level of support, I am glad to provide it. If not, I want my house back.

Thank you in advance for your responses. I'm posting because I really want to understand. Don't hold back. I've been as honest as I can be so feel free to be honest with me.

[Droopy]

1. Pain medication as well as psychiatric medication

can make people very lethargic. The issue needs to be taken up with your sister's doctors. Sometimes nothing can be done about it and those people often end up drawing social security disability benefits.

I do not blame you for feeling the way you do. I would have a talk with your sister if I were you. Tell her that you are concerned about her lack of activity, but be tactful about it. Maybe you can get her to talk to her doctors about it. She is probably unable to work right now so I would hold off on that part of the discussion until you start to see signs that she is improving.

[DemExpat]

2. I think that there is no clear answer to your quandary with your sister.

Sometimes I feel like she is taking advantage of me and then I don't know.

The bottom line is if she genuinely needs this level of support, I am glad to provide it. If not, I want my house back.

First, so sorry to hear of your sister's problems. I would have the strongest urge to have my sister in my home too if she ever fell so low.....but the problem is what to do now?

I have seen all too often (others and myself) how people suffering and in need end up not using (being able to use?) the support given to them, but slipping into even deeper helplessness and dependency. So I have learned not to be so generous in what I offer people if it involves my private living space. This is sometimes so hard to do when I feel the desire to help. But I have a desire to help someone get back on their own feet, not to be a caretaker, so this is why I offer what help and support I can without opening my home. A better middle way would perhaps be to establish some limits and goals with the person before offering them a home.

Sorry I can't help you find more clarity other than relating what my experience is - from BOTH sides of the issue. I have also taken advantage of others' help offered in my younger years of dealing with mental health issues as well.

Now I HAVE to safeguard my own boundaries and the life that I have painstakingly built up.

I would be honest with my sister and tell her how I feel and that I want to help her further to make her own life. Start out by asking her to help around the house some.
That chicken or egg thing about work/no work is just that, IMO, a riddle. To many people I know work is vital and helps with their mental health, but for others, work pressure is impossible to bear in certain periods of life with, for example, deep depression and other compounded illnesses.

But no doubt, this is a very tough situation.

:hug:

DemEx

[mopinko]

3. she needs more than pain drugs for fibro.

i honestly have a hard time believing that you can sort out depression from serious fibro. depression is a part of out of control fibro, and antidepressants do not treat it. because it is not the same thing.
there is a consensus of professionals. it was accepted as a disease in 1984 by the ama. any doctor who "doesn't believe in it", well, fill in your own idea of appropriate punishment.
the usual first line treatments are muscle relaxants, and either trazadone or elevil, in very low doses. yes they are old ad's. mostly they are prescribed to help with sleep. ambien has been a big help to me. a sleep study could also be in order. you can have fibro from other sleep problems like apnea. people who sleep a lot usually have something wrong with their sleep. your brain CANNOT work right without proper sleep.
sorry if i sound a little cranky about this. i had a long road, and mostly am doing a lot better now. but it was f'ing hard. if you want to help her, get her fibro proper treatment. maybe she is just a lazy lay about. but there is one thing i can tell you for sure- i hated being sick and unable to work. i hate being a burden. i just needed the right meds. i am not superwoman, but i function. she probably can, also. this shit is very misunderstood. especially when your brain is fogged in. you can help her. pm me if there is anything i can do.

[hedgehog]

4. On the other hand, I think my depression would have been a lot worse

if I didn't have to take care of my family. Maybe she's having more trouble fighting because she doesn't have people depending on her. I would try to speak with her doctors.

[mopinko]

5. they had better not talk.

your sister might give you permission to talk to them, but these days they do not do this unless someone is incompetent.
i grant your point. but fibro can knock you on your ass. without proper treatment, which is not available on every street corner, she will have a hard time recovering. rest will help.
read up. talk to her.

[fed-up]

6. I am close to the description of your sister

I am almost 50 and newly diagnosed Bipolar with probable fibromyalgia, but definitely with a very painful neck from bulging, spurring discs. During the last 7 years I have probably had a few episodes of major depression. I am still trying to sort out what was what between the food allergies/near adrenal fatigue, cervical polyps and resulting anemia from depression episodes and having to deal with chronic long term pain. I have made diet changes and really pay attention to what I am eating. I have also had major depression episodes dating back to at least 1984, so finally getting the BP diagnosis is enlightening.

I tried doing online work from 2000-2006 so that I could take breaks as needed. Sometimes I would go a few months without earning any money (credit cards and home equity helped here). In April of 2006 I started having migraine auras. I was terrified that I would end up doing permanant damage to my neck if I continued pushing myself to make money. I made the emotional devastating to me decision that I could no longer support myself. I have since applied for Social Security and food stamps.

I am in pain almost all the time. I was given a prescription for muscle relaxers, but they made me very dopey. I got medi-cal about a month or so ago I have been in physical therapy 2x a week to strengthen and stretch the muscles in my neck. It still "goes out" and puts pressure on a nerve.

It is not that I don't want to work or be productive, my body is just not cooperating. I also fear what added stress would to do my mental state. I do at least get out of the house to walk my dog and do shopping. There are times when I don't get to the dishes or general housecleaning for a few days/weeks. I am not a slacker and never was, but when in pain or in a depressed state I just am too physically fatigued to do much of anything.

Somehow I managed to raise my son, although if I had had insurance and gotten more medical care over the last 20 years I probably would have done a lot better job. I ignored the a couple of doctor's diagnosises of depression back in 1993 and again in 2000 and thought they were just trying to push happy pills on me...I was part of the walking/semi-functioning hypomanic/depressed.

Please try to learn about depression and fibromyalgia so that you can come to an understanding of what your sister is going through. It is not fun and I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Anyway the answer to your question is yes, constant pain can cause depression and there can also be an independant biological/chemical and/or environmental trigger to the depression.

It also can take months to find the right medication for the depression, I start a new one today.

[mdmc]

7. If you always give your advantage, then no one can ever take

advantage of you.

There is no doubt that sis needs more then you can give. If she can get what she needs, good (mental health recovery ain't easy - in some communities it is next to impossible).

Keep doing what you can until you can't. There is help out there (such as community residences) that might really make a difference in her life.

As an existentialist, I see all MH issues as tied up with the knowledge that we will not be able to do all that we desire to before we die. What does your sister want to do? If it is nothing, then what do you want to do (keep her alive, living off you? travel to Poland? run for office?) You need to live and allow her to live.

Peace and low stress and God Bless. Kind thoughts and prayers are coming your way my friend.