Um; I need a little advice puuuleeeze.

[lildreamer316]

Ok. I have a friend. Lovely girl; really got some problems. Absolutely loves the drama filled life of having extremely abusive boyfriends/husbands/whathaveyou. Grew up poor and hardworking;etc. Wonderful soul; but you know what I mean. She will surface from her self-imposed hell every few months to hide out with me and husband; swearing that she's done with it; etc.; only to fall back into the pattern again and again.
I have ceased to be hurt by this; and even if she is "using" us; it doesn't feel like it because I know underneath she really does need the break and peace we provide (and don't worry; we are safe from the dangerous other halves; this current one has no idea where we live and I have police neighbors and an alarm system).
Over two years ago she was renting a small house for her and her young daughter just down the road from me. She was working full-time and barely keeping her head above water. I lent her $800 for her rent (I know that it went to the rent because I was there). I have never regretted this and have not asked for it back. However as most of you know I could REALLY have used that money in the last year or so.
The above would not be pertinent even now except for this: she 'surfaced' about a month ago and in the effort to remove herself from this man; brought her motorcycle over here one night. It's in pieces in boxes. She told me that another friend of hers was going to come get it the next day. That's been two weeks ago and it is still in the middle of my dining room floor.

The dilemma is this-I just blew the head gasket on our family car. To fix this will cost a minimum of $900 and a max of $1500. This motorcycle sitting in the middle of the floor could fetch me at least this much if not more. My friend said that there was no title on it; either way it isn't in her name. As far as I can trace it is not hot either.

I have made multiple attempts to contact her and get it out of here. She finally answered my calls two days ago (once) and said she was going to come get it yesterday. Of course; nothing. No calls; no calls returned.

Should I sell it? I am very conflicted. I have 3 ppl ready to take it off my hands right now. Would this be a horrible thing to do to her?

I have asked for a sign but have not really gotten anything I recognize yet. Just wondering what you all think.

[rumpel]

1. a dilemma, indeed

I would give her a specific date to pick it up. It is still her property...I personally would not be able to just use the money if I sold it. I guess how about making some sort of a deal with her? I would openly discuss it with her when she calls again, and not do anything until then.

[mother earth]

2. Lildreamer, I'm with rumpel. You should talk with her about it.

It may be a major inconvenience for her and she may have no other option than to be rid of it. You could be doing both of you a favor. Tell her you've had offers & maybe she'll "remember" the money you gave her & she'd be inclined to just let you keep the money or a portion of it, who knows? At any rate you've been keeping somewhat separate from her "drama", so don't stop now.

[lildreamer316]

3. But she won't answer her phone!

The problem is that she's back with the &%$#@. So, she won't answer her phone at all or call me. Sometimes I can get her to answer when she's at work; but she always is hurried because she's not supposed to be on the phone and he quizzes her about who's called her and checks the phone for what numbers have called.
I really don't want to wait another week or two to even talk to her about WHEN she's gonna get this out of here; only to have her not show up AGAIN. Then the damn thing will have been in my house for over a month.

[Why Syzygy]

4. How about

leaving her a message that you have waited, you have a buyer, and intend to sell it to the highest bidder. Tell her you will hold any amount over the owed $800 for her. Give her a day or two to respond. Why is it in pieces? Did she say who it belonged to? I would be cautious on that front in case she took it from someone, but you have no direct knowledge of that being the case. She has already taken YOUR money. Those kind of friends are not hard to find, dear. I'm a little tougher than I was in my younger days. What she is doing to you is no less abusive than what she is dealing with. Give people a chance, and then be prepared to take care of yourself. FWIW

[rumpel]

5. I would try her one more last time

at work, then. I would tell her that this needs to be cleared up NOW.

Just in case prepare a few lines saying that:
1) The motorcycle parts in storage at lildreamer316's house is my property
2) I do herebey consent to lildreamer316 selling said parts
3) The procceds will be xxxxx (whatever you feel is fair, or have discussed with her - )
fax it to her office have her sign, date and fax it back. If you don't have a fax go to kinkos

I would cover my butt - that way, from her and/or whoever is with her.
I would not leave a message at home, where her abuser is at. It could potentially cause trouble, for which she may blame you.


on edit nor herebey, I meant hereby :)

[I Have A Dream]

6. I understand the temptation, lildreamer. However, I see it as a karmic situation.

You've never asked for the money back, so it's not as though she's been refusing to pay you, although you said that you loaned the money to her, which implies that she should pay you back and you should have to ask for her to do so.

She does owe you the money, but I really don't think that this is the way to get it back. It oversteps a boundary, in my opinion.

She's totally in the wrong -- she was rude to not pay you back the money that she owes you, and she was rude to leave her bike disassembled in your dining room at all let alone weeks! However, I'd hate to see this keep happening life after life because you two have some kind of drama going on.

Just my two cents. I understand that you might decide something else. I just personally always try to do what I can to end karmic cycles, and if it takes losing the $800 that you lent her, it would be worth it to me if that's what it took to break the cycle. (...and I know that $800 is money that you could really use right now. :()

Good luck in reference to making your decision -- whichever way you go.

:hug:

(On edit: Oh, and in reference to the parts all over your home, I'd inform her that she had a certain amount of time to pick them up, or that she could find them outside when she finally decides to get around to picking them up.)

[I Have A Dream]

8. The edit time expired when I noticed that I stated something incorrectly.

I said "...and you should have to ask for her to do so." I meant to say "...and you should not have to ask for her to do so."

[BlueIris]

7. I know you feel desperate, (and that she owes you) but I wouldn't do it.

At least not without discussing it with her. (Although I probably wouldn't discuss it with her.) There have to be other ways to fix your car.

[cassiepriam]

9. What would Judge Judy say??

I think she would say to send a certified letter to the friend in question giving her a certain amount of time to come pick up her motorcycle parts from your home. And inform her that if this is not done by such and such a date the property will be disposed of as you see fit. Your dining room does not have to be a free storage site for your friend.

From a karmic standpoint it could be argued that you have received repayment for your loan. :)
We are not meant to be victims and martyrs. We are meant to set boundaries with others in healthy ways.

[LaurenG]

10. I think we should have a discussion about boundaries for the spiritual

seekers among us. :bounce: :hi:

[cassiepriam]

11. ??? How do you mean? Would you like to start the discussion OB.

Sounds interesting.

[LaurenG]

12. Well what are good boundaries!

What does it mean to have them and still be on the path. How does one measure what is a good boundary. By how they feel, by how others would feel or by what your mind says is correct. Would someone step back emotionally and then let themselves reason it out or would one use their heart in connection with their mind in order to make good decisions while protecting themselves?

[cassiepriam]

13. I think we have to use a combination of intuition and common sense

to make the best decisions. Check our intuition but then run it thru
the common sense or left brain filter and see if it makes sense and or is safe. But in the end each person as to make the call, they are the ones who have to live with it. And sometimes we do decide to make a choice that is not the safest, or does not make sense.

And a lot depends upon the person, some people cannot trust their emotions, it always steers them wrong, they need to check in with their head more, get more grounded. Others are the opposite and need to check in with their gut and heart a bit more, and get out of their head a bit.

And sometimes we need help and need to check it out with others first.

So it just depends, there is no one size fits all answer to this question.

[LaurenG]

14. Bummer on the one size fits all not existing : )

Thank you for the excellent definition, I will keep this thread in mind if/when I need to make a decision like lildreamer.

:D

[Why Syzygy]

15. I think I depend a lot on experience too.

From experience, I have a good idea of things that will make me feel diminished, which leads to depression. I rely mostly on gut instinct, intuition. If I really want to do something that might step over the line, I agree with myself that it is my choice to do so, and hurt feelings may be part of the experience. It has to be empowering. If I get into a situation that leaves me feeling hurt or resentful, chances are boundaries have been ignored.

There are also healthy ways to express boundaries. Not everyone understands. Sometimes an explanation is called for, depending on the depth of the relationship. Other times, a simple, "no" is all that is required.

Being free of self recrimination and depression is a major payoff. But setting appropriate boundaries also frees me to participate in relationships with others who also have healthy boundaries. There are no unstated expectations, or someone rushing in to "save" the other party. If someone needs help, it is asked and granted, or lovingly declined. Many of us never learned how to ask for what we want/need. Fortunately this can be learned. It is also a good idea, imo, before offering advice or help to ask the other person if they need something from us.

I would love to see a thread on this subject. It would be neat to see how others handle these situations.

[cassiepriam]

19. Water seeks its own level and so do relationships. When we are healthy we attract healthy people.

[lildreamer316]

16. Today:

Called her house (forgot to mention that she lives with her very aged parents at the moment; spends nights with blanketyblank). No answer; left a message that I was going to have to dispose of it somehow this week; please get in touch with me. Called her cell phone and it went straight to voice mail; did not leave a message in case that would cause a problem.

Sigh.

I'ma telling ya--I will not hear from her again for awhile. I know the pattern and I just don't think my intentions are strong enough to break her out of it.

In fact; the longer it's here the more dangerous this whole thing is gonna be if he guesses she left it here.

I don't like this. I want out of it. ASAP.

Thanks to all for your insight and advice. I'm gonna meditate on it a bit; but I think this is going in certian direction that I can't really change.

Yes; I believe a good thorough discussion of boundaries would be beneficial to many....

[yellowdawgdem]

17. My thoughts

are in favor of selling the motorbike, and keeping the money. I'd notify her that you will have to sell or dispose of the motocycle within 3 days or whatever. That you don't have room to store it longer than a set amount of time. I seriously doubt that she will pick it up. I'm all in favor of setting limits with friends and loved ones, because they will push you right down to the floor. Sounds like thats where you are now, and still resenting the $800 you'd leant her for rent awhile back. You obviously care a great deal for this woman, but setting limits will not be a bad thing.
Hope it works out for you whatever you decide to do.

[lildreamer316]

18. About the money..

I seriously was not expecting it back and had not asked for it. At all. However; she herself had mentioned it a few weeks ago by saying she was gonna give me some of it when her taxes came back; which was last week. Hence the double irritation because not only do I know she has the actual money and was going to give me some that I needed; byt then leaves a valuable bike in my posession that she said she was going to initially sell anyway...
Sheesh.
Well; thanks for the input.

[yellowdawgdem]

20. In a practical sense

the situation seems to offer you a chance to have some money returned to you at a time when you really need it. Also by selling the vehicle, you are essentially taking care of a situation that your friend cannot handle right now. otoh, if you will be left with guilt feelings that you can't live with and will make you even more unhappy, then it might mean you'd have to think carefully about the best outcome, and your best action. Maybe what you need to do is project your love towards your friend, and let her know of your caring even as you set the limit. Anyway, I hope you figure this out in a good way.