I want to share an intimate look at relationship evolution...(long)

[FirstLight]

this is a little hard to share because the last time I was in the thick of the energy of breakup and shared i felt i was judged here. (Even though it was admittedly part of the greater process of understanding how to be vulnerable and still release and know i am always loved by Spirit and that my home and priorities never really DO change, even thought i go through times of struggle and angst.)
That said, i want to share a personal email exchange between the recent BF and myself - to show how much these two souls really are working on clearing the blockages and karmas and shifting the energies in our individual spaces in order to GROW. even if it means NOT together. it is an amazing process to be witness and experience, even though it hurts sometimes...this is intimate, so please respect the information shared...
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Friday PM
because i am a communicator i feel the need to clarify some things:
I am not cutting our ties because of your 'choice' regarding your EX or myself

yesterday afternoon the pieces fit together to show me that my role in your life has been reduced to that of 'mistress' and i refuse to play that role. and once i looked over the entirety of our relationship and your continuing efforts to get back together with your ex, i realized that i was never even a legitimate girlfriend and maybe the reason you kept our relationship on such a short leash was because on some level you knew that. I believe it has been going on since the beginning, and that was untruthful on your part, no matter how much you shared about your ex and your conflictedness...You never wanted to meet my family or friends because you had no intention of getting any deeper and didn't want anyone questioning your intentions. And even if it may not have been your outright intention, your actions were much more revealing. 6 months is not a one night stand, so there was some intention there to continue to get your cake and eat it too. and it felt even worse when i thought about your knowledge of my sexual vulnerbilities.

I will not play that role, or to allow anyone to use me in that fashion because love of self is such that i should never have to prove myself LOVEABLE to anyone - and as much as i care for you, i refuse to let you be the victim here. I don't want to be the victim either so i am taking steps to heal and be okay with the lessons in my own spirit, so thanks for bringing those pictures up for me to heal.
i sincerely pray that you will understand your lack of integrity with me and probably many other women in your life, i pray that you will learn whatever lesons associated with this before more lifetimes pass you by. I pray that you will be honest enough with yourself and people like marty or your therapist so that you can dig deep and understand this incongruence.
but i choose NOT to be a part of it anymore, that's all.
best of luck
-me

SAT AM
First off, thanks for letting me know how you feel, and why. Obviously you've done a lot of soul searching about this. I have too, but I don't seem to have any answers... just more questions. Perhaps after some more work I will be capable of articulating my feelings and I will be okay with my place in the world. Some days I feel like I’m making great strides in that direction, some days I feel stuck in the thick mud of old ideas and backwards thinking. But don’t we all? My first impulse is to plead the Fifth, not knowing if I am guilty (or even actually capable) of carrying out the malicious acts you seem to accuse me of. I have read the message over a couple times. I’m not sure if I have any answers for you. As you’ve stated, my communication style is to keep my deepest feelings hidden and to skim the surface of an issue. I’m also an accommodator, as I’ve mentioned to you; I fear this may be yet another case of “silence implies consent”, and I don’t agree with some of your accusations. Ultimately, I don’t want to create any more hard feelings than I seemingly have already by idly sitting by and allowing you to create the reality you envision for the two of us together, in thinking deeply upon this I’m reminded of the 12 Step slogan for being faced with difficult issues than can result of further confrontation… “How important is it?” I suppose it’s important enough for me to write this response.

I’m sorry you feel that I’ve valued you less than I know you deserve and that I took advantage of your vulnerabilities. I can understand your point of view that you feel like nothing more than a mistress. I suppose the smart thing for me to do would have been to have completely broken things off when I still felt the strong feelings for (My ex) the first time. I realize I could have communicated that better. I guess I was trying to do that in some way, but felt compelled to try to make things work for you and I. That seems to be one indicator that you and I are not suited as partners. I feel that another indicator is how I feel about my “self” lately, meaning the understanding I’ve been developing about my fully developed ego: I’ve been feeling lately that doing things like drinking and smoking (and attempting to feel comfortable in social situations where I have to mask my true feelings) are counter to the work I should be doing to understand my ego and cultivate a “healthy me”. I don’t need to be a party animal to feel I have worth and can contribute something positive to others. I may, or may not, have an addictive personality when it comes to things like drinking or unhealthy relationship behaviors, but I think I can continue working to understand myself and make positive strides and feel good about them. The work I’ve been doing with (our meditation teacher) and my ability to spend time with friends like Daryl lately, as well as the time I’ve had at work to cultivate more of my creative side (and then having received such positive feedback from you and others) has really, really helped me more than I can put into words. Thank you for being such a positive force in my life. Maybe there are lessons we can learn from each other that aren’t as obvious as the Old World relationship partner dynamic. You really have been a good friend, and I’m sorry if I haven’t reciprocated.

This feels very much like what (our meditation teacher) described as a “rewriting of a contract”. I hope you feel the same way. If you don’t feel that I’m capable of being that trusted friend or business partner you need, I understand, and I can respect your feelings. I’m sure we both need time to think about things further. I have had what feels like great success in just the past day about that connection to Source. It feels really good when I can get to that space, I’m sure you feel the same way. I am still a work-in-progress, but at least I’m working on it.

I really do think you rock, thanks for being you!

SAT NOON

i still have to keep the cords pulled from you , for now, Don't know how long, maybe for good.
It is hard not having you 'around' as a friend, and yet it isn't nice feeling hurt every time i get near you...
i never thought it was about us not being suited to one another - I thought it was about the struggle within each of us - us being caring and consciously choosing NOT to make mistakes of the past. I thought our communication was relevant and that we were both doing well in that, but our Realities were diferent. And our desired outcomes are a reflection of that. we have great chemistry and caring and communication, but we may as well be on opposite sides of the grand canyon as far as what we think our love lives and partnership should look like.
I am pretty clear on my choices, i may stumble from time io time but i have had 5 years of being single (hardcore self inspection) and much of my adult life of questioning self & relationship. You may be just barely scratching the surface....time and learning are stil a factor with you because your thought process is more confusing and your heart is not clear….with addiction to dysfunctional relationship comes the inability to see clearly, and you may be attempting to swim out of that energy now.
I still give you alot of credit for showing up and for even taking the time to reply to my comments of what my experiences was/is. despite the hurt (which i also know is some of MY incongruence with spirit as well) I wish there was a way for us to be able to play and be close and all that we are capable of...but right now we are at two different planes of existence and it may just be ten or a hundred lifetimes before i get to see you or feel you like that again.
i can't say anymore right now...i don't want to cry anymore.
you can share your process with me as much as you feel compelled to...email is fine, and i will try to always be in your corner and pray for your highest good....that's all i can do right now, and i need to be able to hold you at a distance for a while yet.

thanks for the compliments and the appreciation, and thank for understanding 'some' of my hurt, even though I don;t expect you to understand all of it. I wish it was as easy as a hug to make me feel better right now.. -ME

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[OneGrassRoot]

1. ...

I respect the information you've shared, and the process you're going through, FirstLight. I find romantic relationships to be gut-wrenching, so I admire your intention to make your way through this process very consciously -- on all levels -- rather than just hide in a corner, which I'm sure you feel like doing at times. The fact that you share a meditation teacher is, interesting, to say the least.

Blessings to you as you make your way along this path.....

:grouphug:

[FirstLight]

2. well it is actually a couple that teaches the diferent levels...

I started Level 1 last fall, and it stripped my psyche bare and really shook up the stuff stuck in my space. The class is called Meditation & intuition building, but it is way more... not just about running energy and how to do it, but the transformation that takes place when you do it every day and moving the past lives and beliefs that disconnect us from spirit out of your experience just like dust in a dirty room. I am not doing the concepts justice, but i think you know what can happen when you beging to live your life from a 6th & 7th chakra Point of view! big shifts!
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I was supposed to be doing level 3 on n entirely different day, but there were not enough people and so to 'keeo my toe' in the energy of the clases and keep working it i go to level 2 (which is cool, cuz the altere state makes it hard to absorb stuff anyway)
Todd just started level 1 this fall and i know he is getting rocked, so i am trying to be understanding of that roces and how much it messed ME up. and i am honestly impressed that he has continued to DO it, to SHOW up even when it is uncomfortable.

The wife teaches the level 2 class in another part of the floor and the husband teaches level 1 - and usually both classes ill begin the meditation together and tke breaks together... that has been an interesting energetic with the BF and me the last month.
They also teach at their home - husband does lvl 3 and they both teach advanced levels together....this is work from a center in the Bay area and one of the founders is a Native American from Tahoe whom i know> - but it subscribes to NO actual dogma...which makes it even cooler. I love working energy and i wish it was more mainstream to talk and function in this reality.! *sigh* someday.

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anyhow... what i am realizing too is that the more one lives in the higher chakras, the more responsibility too. Playing the victim doesn't work when you realize the feeling of fear or hurt or anything uncomortale like that is really nothing more than my illusion of not being loved by Spirit, and BEING LOVE. When you put it like that, it's hard to blame others. i still have a hard time with that because i WANT to make others understand how i feel. part of my lesson is to be okay with the lesson and the feelings anyway....whether the other person knows what they triggered or not. but in this case it was important to share because I could see it was still part of the learning contract in this relationship...
i would like to upgrade Our contract someday, but for now I just keep burning up the OLD one and clearing.... haven't re-written the new one yet i guess... maybe that is a joint effort ;)

[mysticalchick]

3. Thank you for sharing that ...

... I know it had to be hard. What I took from the energy of the words was exactly what you expressed: two individuals working as hard as they can to understand what's happened and to move from that point - perhaps without each other. There is much love in the words and I have to say that I really love what you've written about taking care of yourself in all this. For many of us (me included) this is a life-long struggle and I honor your work in it.

Many thanks for putting it out there to the Universe and I suspect someone needed to hear what you had to say which is why you were called to post it.

This is BIG WORK! Truly.

[FirstLight]

4. Thanks...ya, it felt like it was important to share

the dynamic was hard at first because all the original feelings of hurt and blame and rejection that come with an edning relationship popped up...but ten the next step was to see where he triggered the false belief in ME that i was somehow 'less than' ...and then to realize that the illusion comes from my belief that i am separate from Spirit.

The ex girlfrind has no clue about our whole relationship, and i am waiting for him to share his experience of telling her the truth. Because 'as a friend' i asked him how he thinks he can get back together with her based on lies...? his spirit will not allow that kind of breach in integrity anymore, it will be interesting to see that piece and I still plan on being enough of a friend to listen and care and point out things if he shares with me...

I'd like to reconnect as lovers, someday...but like i said...it may NOT be destined in this lifetime.