Any advice on talking to young kids about sexual predators?

[wildeyed]

My 5-1/2 year old is starting kindergarten. She has a general idea of where babies come from and knows the proper name for all the parts of the body, but I have never warned her about strangers or sexual predators. I felt that the negatives outweighed the positives. I was with her all the time, except when she wasn't at her small and very close knit preschool, so it didn't seem that she would have much opportunity to talk to strangers or be molested. I didn't want her to develop a fearful attitude toward the unknown.

But now she is growing up and moving out of my constant supervision. I especially want her to know that she can say NO if someone does something that makes her uncomfortable and that she should tell mommy and daddy if someone tries to touch her NO MATTER WHAT they threaten. But I also don't want to scare her or cause undue worry. Any advice on how to broach this touchy subject?

[SoCalDem]

1. What I told my boys..

NO ONE ever ever ever needs to or should touch you, or look at you ANYWHERE that's covered by your underwear or swimsuit..

THAT area is PRIVATE and personal and is only to be touched or looked at by YOU (or a doctor...in the presence of Mom or Dad...)

It was simple and to the point, and they understood :)

[CoffeeCat]

2. You're a good mom...

...and I applaud you for being concerned about this issue. One in four girls and one in seven boys
is sexually abused before the age of 18. It's common, and we can help decrease the chances that
they will be abused.

I've always taught my two girls that their bodies are their own--no one touches them, hugs them
or makes them do something--unless they are comfortable. I reinforce this in our daily routines.
When I put sunscreen on them, I ask, "Is it ok if I rub sunscreen on your legs, or would you like
to do it yourself?" I give them choices, when it comes to their bodies, so they feel comfortable
setting boundaries. It helps them to feel empowered.

I would talk with your daughter and let her know that no one touches her area that is underneath
her swimsuit or underwear. Tell her that if someone does do this, that she must tell mommy and
that mommy will be so proud of her. Reinforce this, because molesters are very skilled at threatening
and silencing children. They lie and tell them that mommy will be angry or that daddy will go to jail, etc.
Let her know that mommy will always be proud if she tells.

Also tell her about secrets. Tell her that there are good secrets and bad secrets. A good secret is
about a surprise birthday party. A bad secret is something that an adult asks to you keep from your
mommy---and you never keep secrets from mommy.

Those are some of the tips that have helped me. The sad truth is...we can't always prevent bad things
from happening. We can decrease the likelihood. Furthermore, if something does happen, we can enable
our children to tell. 90 percent of sexually abused children never tell. They keep the secret. I read
a case study the other day about a teacher who sexually abused more than 300 kids. Not one children
told. If children don't tell, that's when the damage happens, because they internalize the confusion
and trauma of the abuse. If we can encourage children to tell, this helps them to get the help they
need and to heal.

Here are a couple of links that may be useful to you. Again, what a wonderful, astute mom you are--to
be so protective and wise about this subject. Kudos to you! :)

http://www.stopitnow.com/mn/parents3.html

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,209058,00.html

http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/PageServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=1489

[wildeyed]

3. Those are very helpful links.

Thanks for the info. I googled, but mostly got info on cyber-predators, which we won't have to deal with for another couple of years.

Here is a horrible article about pedophiles from the NYT. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/21/technology/21pedo.html?_r=1&th=&adxnnl=1&oref=slogin&emc=th&adxnnlx=1156334706-71/Lf8JsrYq7ehAM0u+Tug Scum.

I will start having the good touch/bad touch/secret touch conversation with my daughter today.

[Tab]

4. I agree there's more than just "not touching"

Yes, they need to know that touching OR LOOKING "there" is only for them, or mom or dad or a doctor (that mom or dad said was okay).

The bigger thing is to make sure they know that secrets are NOT GOOD. Another poster brought that up and I fully agree and want to echo it.

A single molestation incident, although not good, is but a single incident. If the child can tell their parent, and see that action is taken, as unfortunate as it is, you can at least try to get them out with minimal damage.

But if the child is expected to keep it secret, because "mommy and daddy would think you were bad", or "mommy and daddy would die" or whateve sick thing it is, then that child will be exposed repeatedly to the same abuse, and it's perfectly reasonable to assume that the abuse would escalate over time.

So, yes, I think they should know that certain touching is inappropriate, but being asked to keep it secret is VERY wrong. And if you ask them to evaluate why they need to keep it a secret if it's "okay", then maybe the real reason is that it's NOT okay, and that person doesn't want to be found out.

If the person has been nice to them ("groomed" them, bought them ice cream, been their friend), that still doesn't give them the right to do that stuff. And if they're threatened with losing that person as a "friend", then they should ask their parents first: "Mr. Joe wants me to do this, but I don't want to, but if I don't he won't be my friend any more".

I think you can take it from there.