So, tomorrow I have to starve myself all day. Tea, broth, water.

[Paper Roses]

No food----Yikes.

Preparation for hospital visit. You know the procedure. Great fun but they tell me it is necessary. Who am I to argue.

I'll just bitch a little if I may.

2 PM: take these 4 pills
5 PM: Drink 8 ounces every hour of this most vile, disgusting, putrid, slimy, gross, gag inducing
Gallon of stuff. Forget about sleep, I'll be up all night.

With all of the technology and research in the world, why can't they make this junk taste better?

I get a cookie and coffee after it is over. Heck with that. My driver is going to take me someplace to get some food.

Bill me later, I have crappy insurance. That's what you get for subjecting me to this stuff.

[HereSince1628]

1. That, unfortunately, is the nature of colonoscopies

Try to remember that nothing will taste good after you have drunk a gallon of it.

The real problem is having enough toilet paper to get you to "clear."

Been there, done it, my condolences

[Autumn Colors]

11. Use flushable baby wipes instead of T.P. that day...

get some with aloe in them.

[HereSince1628]

13. Great idea...

I was SO glad to get the gallon of stuff drunk and then a couple hours later to be able to settle into an exhausted sleep. I don't remember much about circum-orificial discomfort.

[ProgressiveProfessor]

14. Very good suggestion

Use them afterward as well. It will be a bit "raw"

[Lefta Dissenter]

15. or

hand-held shower.

[derby378]

2. My wife's been through that routine, too

I feel confident she'd extend a :hug: to you if she were still here, so I'll do it on her behalf. :hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. I'd go easy on eating afterwards...

You may not feel like it.

I thought I'd be chowing down stuff too, but my gut was not ready...

I did sleep after drinking the stuff...I wasn't up all night.

I hope it goes well for you...

[Lefta Dissenter]

4. Cinnamon gum!!!

Best advice a nurse ever gave to me! When I did my prep, I had a pack of gum, nibbled tiny little bits to get the bursts of flavor. (disclaimer: check with your doc, of course, and don't swallow the gum!)

Don't flavor the entire gallon at once. I had several flavors of crystal light (no reds, of course), and it was nice to be able to switch them out for each 8 ounce dose.

And maybe the most important thing is to have your laptop in the bathroom with you. Good distraction... Thanks to DU for getting me through MY prep last October! :grouphug:

[mainer]

5. the prep is the worst of it.

And do plan to gorge afterwards. I was starved and chowed down on a huge breakfast. No problem.

[DinahMoeHum]

6. Welcome to the club. Been there, done that.

PM me if you want a friendly ear to talk to.

[wilt the stilt]

7. Dave barry

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.




Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Jefferson, Ohio .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.


I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'



I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.


I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.


Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..


The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'


This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.


MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.


The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.


At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere... I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.



There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really.. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.



Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'


2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'


3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'


4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'


5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'


6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'


7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'


8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'


9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'


10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'


11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'








And the best one of all:




13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[japple]

25. This is one of my favorite Dave Barry columns. Thanks for

the laugh!

[DURHAM D]

8. Just had this procedure. I like Gatorade so had no problem.

I was not up all night. In fact, I got a very good night's sleep before the procedure.

I hope someone will be in recovery with you as you won't remember what they tell you. Apparently I asked some very good questions after looking at the report and photos but I don't remember any of it.

[TreasonousBastard]

9. The worst one was when after the night of GoLightly and starvation...

I got to the VA hospital and the VFW was serving the best smelling FREE coffee and donuts RIGHT AT THE FRONT DOOR!

Of course, when it was over they were long gone, and the cafeteria was closed.

[fairfaxvadem]

10. I had a slightly different scheme...

My doctor didn't go for the liquid stuff. They sent me to the pharmacy for an Rx and some OTC laxatives, and I think I was allowed to wash it all down with ginger ale or something, not just water. Oh, had the broth of course and a sheet with the plan of attack. It was awful, no doubt. I almost had a "white-out", close to fainting, if you know what I'm describing. And they told me when I came out of the anesthesia, that I was free to go eat anything I wanted.

Anyhow, my point being, apparently you don't have to do the nasty liquid method, and I had no after-effects and chowed down on pizza straight away.

They showed me color photos. Didn't make a bit of sense to me at all.

[dixiegrrrrl]

12. Someone who has gone thru it had this advice:

So a liquid diet TWO days before you have to drink the mixture.
That is, no solid food for 1-2 days before the putrid drink.
the reason is that all the "prep" goes much easier and smoother. For obvious reasons.

Something I will keep in mind when the time comes.

Hey, when you get back, tell all us nervous nellies how it went, ok???

:hi:

[OhioBlue]

16. I had this done a couple of months ago

and in my experience it really isn't as bad as I had imagined. I was told I could eat a light breakfast, so I had a bowl of cereal in the morning and then broth and tea for lunch and dinner with a lot of water thru the day. The movi-prep worked fast and furious. So, make sure you have nothing to do and are truly an arm's length from the bathroom. But, I didn't get stomach cramps or anything like that from it - I didn't feel sick at all - it seemed like it just moved through me very rapidly. About an hour after I had drank the last of it, I was fine and could sleep thought the night. Have some flushable wipes (next to the diapers in most stores) and A&D ointment handy. Other than the prep, I don't remember much of it. Like everyone says, the prep is the worst part.. but really it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. And... I would recommend against eating anything heavy right afterward. It won't set well in your tummy. Have some toast or a bagel and take a nap - I think that might be the best route and then when you wake up you can think about eating something yummy.

Try to relax - I think the anticipation makes it worse than it really is. Try to think of the prep like a fast/cleanse for a day...

[femmocrat]

17. The best part is the anesthesia....

You fall right to sleep and sleep soundly. I was annoyed when they woke me up! Let me go back to sleep! LOL

Good luck. I had one a couple of years ago and will never have another one. It took 3 days out of my summer vacation that I can never get back.

[Raster]

21. Versed. However, you do become a bit chatty.

[Nay]

18. Ha! Just went through this yesterday! Sunday was spent on the pot,

with the gag-inducing stuff nearby. Yesterday was the actual colonoscopy--which is nothing compared to the prep. May they find nothing amiss in your colon, Roses.

[LeftishBrit]

19. Good luck. I'm familiar with the procedure too!

At least the nasty stuff you have to take is less violent in its effects now than it was 20 years ago - or so is my experience.

Just think, it will soon be over.

[phylny]

20. Been there, done that - my advice?

Might be too late for you, but for anyone else reading this, USE VASELINE on your anus (sorry to be graphic, but you know) because the only problem I had was that my ass was very very sore due to bowel movements and wiping, even though I used flushable wet wipes.

Other than that, piece of cake, and the prep is absolutely the worst - the procedure itself it painless and goes quickly.

Good luck!

[BonnieJW]

22. What about the pills?

I heard you could take pills that clean you out rather than the gallon of liquid. I would never be able to get that down.

[spin]

23. Try Real Lemon in your drink ...

I found it made the taste almost bearable.

I have to get a colonoscopy very year because the doctor keeps finding small noncancerous polyps. I think that I am financing his vacation to Bermuda. I am overdue for this year.

[Paper Roses]

24. Hi Everyone, I'm back. What a day, nasty(for me) procedure.

The whole procedure seemed to be going according to to what I expected BUT: The damn procedure hurt like heck. I am told they used a little less anesthesia because of my allergies. I do remember moaning and being very uncomfortable during the process. This was something I did not expect.

When it was all over, I remember the nurse telling me it was done and that I was on my way to the recovery room. You never know what to expect there. I figured I'd be out in a short while but it seems my blood pressure dropped to 50 over 32 . Too low to allow me to leave.
It took a couple of hours to get back to my normal 120/70-or close enough, before they offered me coffee and saltines. I figured after all that, I should be offered a croissant.

Everyone was nice, but they did find a few little problems like mild diverticulitis but otherwise the procedure was normal. I was very "out of it" when the Doctor came to see me. He told me they took a couple of biopsy's. I don't remember if he told me why.
The anesthesia does affect your current capability to absorb information.

I will hear about that on Friday.

When I got home, I slept for 3 hours and will now have a quick dinner.
The drink last night was just as awful as I remember and I was starving this AM. but I kept to the prescribed regimen.

I know this procedure is necessary, especially at my ripe old age but I will never do it again. I do hope the Doctor has good news for me on Friday. I'll be nervous until I hear. At 68, it is not something you are unconcerned about. I suppose that is better stated that, at any age, you don't like the word biopsy.

Everyone I have spoken with tells me the procedure is painless. I am just unfortunate enough that the Doc's feel I should have less than normal anesthesia given for this procedure. I have several major allergies which, I suppose, caused them to be very careful with dosage. I still did not expect the pain but being under a regular full anesthesia was something the doctor did not want to do.

Tomorrow I will just goof around and hope I feel back to snuff. Things to so.

To all who must have this procedure, be assured that it will be better than mine. Unless you have some major situation to overcome, I'm sure you will not feel a thing. You will be 'out-of-it' until it is over. The recovery is painless. Still...the drink was the worst of it, no question. Yuk.

[japple]

26. Most hospital, out-patient centers use conscious sedation for

GI procedures rather than full sedation. You were one of the unlucky few to experience pain or to even remember it. I hope your doctor has good news for you on Friday so you won't have to go through this again in 3 or 5 years. Fingers crossed.

When I had one 7 years ago, the worst part post-procedure was the gas. It was explosive!!!