Internet Dating Fun.

[Meldread]

Alright, I've never done internet dating before so I agreed to accept some of those e-mails that give tips. Anyway, I just died laughing at some of the tips on "when you should meet" the other person:

Gloria, 50, Rochester, N.Y.
Show me the photo. Show me three photos and make sure you aren't looking like Pierce Brosnan in one and Captain Kangaroo in the next (rest his soul). I need to see your eyes (no shades), your teeth (in case they're scarce) and your head (take off the baseball cap, it's not sexy anyway). No photos taken from 100 feet away where your head is the size of a pea. And if your clothes look like they were worn in the disco days, that's probably when the photo was taken. Once all the cards are on the table with the visuals, and the person's personality sounds promising, I'd say a few emails back and forth to find out basics is enough. Then comes the dreaded "phone stage." I never agree to meet anyone until after I've spoken with them. After one guy started out on the phone calling me "darlin'" and then asked me, "How many young 'uns ya got?" I decided from then on in that they will have to pass the phone test before meeting.

Robert, 52, Mill Valley, Calif.
As long as it takes to wear her defenses down to dust -- usually about three years if she doesn't get an injunction against me beforehand. My slogan is location, location, location. No, wait, that's my real estate slogan. Quantity, quantity, quantity! Bury her with flattery and nonsense to the point where she is willing, eager even, to meet me and tell me face-to-face exactly what she thinks of me.

If she doesn't have a photo, I'll ask her if she is good in bed. If she says yes, I'll say, "Great, then forget about your photo -- just send me a drawing of yourself" (after all, a guy can't be too choosy!).

I just thought I'd share. ;)