Question from a Straight Guy

[Xipe Totec]

My youngest brother is gay.

I found this out about 15 years ago, when he told my mother, and my mother (very apprehensively) told the rest of us (his siblings). There is still a big stigma attached to a gay lifestyle in Mexico, but it's not something that has ever bothered me one way or the other. To tell the truth, my gay-dar is broken. I have friends and acquaintances who are gay and I'm always the last to figure it out. "Oh, really? -I say- I didn't know so-and-so was gay". I'm not kidding.

The point is, I never brought up the subject with my brother, and I'm now wondering whether I should have said something to him. I have always assumed that the best way to let him know that I accepted him for who he is was to not say anything to him on the subject, unless he brought it up. He never did, and now, I'm not so sure.

What do you think (and I'm asking this of my brethren here who are gay) did I do the right thing, or should I have said something to him then, or now?

[Not Me]

1. Talk to him, privately if that is more comfortable,...

He will appreciate it. And you wil grow closer to your brother.

[Xipe Totec]

4. Thank you,

He's going through a rough spot right now, and I expect he's going to be calling me for moral support soon. I want him to know that I love him. If there's a way to let him know without making an issue of it, I'll let him, know.

[terrya]

2. Don't worry about it. I think you did the right thing by not bringing it..

up with him. It's HIS decision to make. Whether to come out to his family, his friends, etc.

If you wish, you can privately talk to him about it.

Coming out is a very difficult process for us. Well, at least it was to me. It's a process that is ongoing for a lot of gay and lesbian folks...including me.

The important thing is that you love your brother...regardless of his being gay. And that's the best gift you could ever give him.

[Xipe Totec]

3. Thank you,

I just didn't want him to think I was in denial. We have had family get-togethers where he brought his partner with him. I was worried that he might think it was pretense on my part, rather than acceptance.

[murielm99]

5. Before my daughter came out, I sort of figured that she was gay.

I never addressed it directly. Imagine a mother asking her kid, "Are you gay?"

I always said supportive things about gay rights and gay people we knew. When she was ready, she told me she was gay.

I don't know if it is the same with a brother. Maybe being supportive of gays in general could be a precursor to a private conversation.

[bluedawg12]

6. Listen for hints from him about his life

if the chance comes up naturally be supportive and show interest- ir say supportive things about gay folks as it comes up in conversation so he gets the hint that you are not biased.

Good luck and great attitude of fairness. Wish everyone were like you.

[IntravenousDemilo]

7. This might be perfect way to drop it into the conversation...

If by some chance he should mention that he's seeing "someone", and not specifically mention the someone's sex, why not say, "Is he nice?"

Not only will everything be out in the open where it belongs, but you'll show that what's important is that the person be nice to your brother, and that what you want is his happiness. If he says, "What do you mean, 'he'", you could come back with, "Oh, I always knew. No big deal. It doesn't change anything."

Then both of you go have a beer.

[Ian David]

9. I'd just try to say supportive things about gay rights

Avoid things like, "Some of my best friends are gay," or "I think that guy Carson on 'Queer Eye' is funny."

Something like, "You know, today I signed a pettition against banning gay marriage. I think gay people should have the same rights as everyone else."

You can practice talking to a "Simulated Gay Guy" here:
http://www.hrc.org/tom/


Better still, nothing says "I accept you for who you are" as much as a teddy bear from The Human Rights Campaign:



Brownie Bear

Our cute, cuddly Brownie Bear makes the perfect companion, offering his unconditional love to those young and old! He sports the yellow Peace/Love/Equality tee and sits about 7.25” tall, 6.75” wide.
http://hrccornerstore.myimagefirst.com/store/product.asp?id=665&sku=1714962964207&mscssid=2FUDPKQ36X7D9JHS8N2AATBPR21H2LB8

[Xipe Totec]

11. Great Idea, Thanks!

My brother is just moving to another city right now. I'm waiting to hear from him when he is settled in. The teddy would be a great house warming gift.

Thank you for the thought.

[The empressof all]

8. Let me tell you about my brother.

14 years ago my eldest brother died of AIDS. He was the oldest of 5 children and the only boy. I come from a very religious, blue color eastern european family. He was our brother the confirmed bachelor. No one spoke about his life, no one asked questions everyone assumed he was gay. It was our families open secret. When he was diagnosed and need our help with end of life issues, and assistance with care giving, his fear of death was compounded by his fear we would reject him because of his homosexuality. The fact that we all assumed all along and didn't really care was a total shock to him. In some ways that closet he was in with our family had an amazing river of denial and fear running through it. We never wanted to ask him about it because we thought it wasn't any of our buisness....He never said anything because he was afraid of our reaction and assumed rejection. We lost thirty or more years of really knowing each other. I still wonder to this day years after his death if our relationship would have been different if I had asked the question, if I had let him know that I didn't care who he loved as long as it made him happy, if I let him know I accepted him unconditionally.

My advice---Talk to your brother.

[Xipe Totec]

10. Thank you, you understood me completely.

That is my fear; that my acceptance might be interpreted as head-in-the-sand denial.

In our case the situation has been more open. It is not a secret that he is gay, he has brought his partner with him for Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners with our extended family. He feels comfortable living a gay lifestyle openly but, still, we have never talked about it directly. He is the youngest of six, and I am the oldest. He was five years old when our father died, so I am the closest thing he's had to a father figure. I know that my acceptance is important to him.


Please receive my deepest sympathy for the loss of your brother.

[kansasblue]

12. the silence can hurt...

it can be interpreted as 'this is so bad we can't even talk about it'.

even a funny joke about it is better than silence.

[Maven]

13. I agree with all of the advice you've received so far

and I think you should have a private conversation about it. Sometimes outward manifestations belie subjective intent, and, as you've already pointed out, your complete silence on the matter of his personal life could translate to something other than what you actually feel. Not denial necessarily, since I'm sure he knows that you know, but something possibly even worse: distaste. That is, "tolerance" in the worst sense of the word.

One nitpick: please stop using the term "gay lifestyle," especially with your brother. If you're using it to mean "openly gay," it's better to say that someone is "out."

Good luck with your brother.

[Ian David]

14. "Lifestyle" always sounded to me like something you order from a catalog

"Ooh, The Gay Lifestyle Catalog is here!"

[Xipe Totec]

15. Thank you for the point of etiquette

I meant no disrespect, I assure you. I will discontinue using that awkward phrase.

You understood my concern and described it well; concern that my silence might be interpreted as passive rejection. Tolerance in the sense of endurance rather than acceptance.

And thank you for the good wishes too.

[Uncle Roy]

16. Maybe at the next family gathering

you can get him and his partner off to one side and say "You know, I've never actually said the word 'gay' with you guys, and I've been feeling awkward about it. Can we talk about talking about it?"

Keep it light. Tell him exactly what you've told us. I suspect he will understand your uncertainty in how to manage the issue. He probably feels a little of the same uncertainty himself. A brotherly similarity maybe?

I think he's lucky to have you for a brother, and I predict lots of smiles and hugs at your next family gathering.

Let us know what happens!

Roy

[mitchtv]

17. self delete

.doubled

[mitchtv]

18. good points , Roy

tell him what you told us, and when you go out for that beer , go to a gay bar.

[Uncle Roy]

19. PS: On further thought...

Some things you said:

"He's going through a rough spot right now"

"he's going to be calling me for moral support soon"

"We have had family get-togethers where he brought his partner with him."

"My brother is just moving to another city right now."

"he has brought his partner with him for Christmas and Thanksgiving"

I may be reading between the lines a little too much here, but is there something else going on? Is he breaking up with his partner maybe, and taking it really hard? And you want to give him emotional support and psychic hugs but don't know how to break the subject?

[swimmernsecretsea]

20. I got that as well

Whatever the situation, just talk. Forget about being concerned you might be awkward or say the wrong thing. So many times we prevent ourselves from connecting with others because we're afraid of breaking the rules of polite conduct or saying something awkward. Having someone there to talk to so that you don't feel so alone can make an enormous difference.

It sounds as if you talk every now and then. Expressing how difficult it is to talk about difficult things and just setting the stage will help make things easier, if not for the present, for later on. Being available, keeping in contact, a simple email such as "I saw this movie the other day and it reminded me of you..." The smallest of gestures add up after time.

Please keep us up on how things are going for the both of you.

[Xipe Totec]

22. You are very perceptive

The breakup with his partner happened a few years back. He had a steady relationship that lasted many years. He was totally devastated when it ended. He went into a deep depression and turned to alcohol. I'll spare you the tragic details and just say that the family intervened and got him into involuntary rehab. He was very angry with us, but a death in the family forced a reunion and reconciliation. Things were going ok for a while, but he had a falling out with my sister, and that precipitated his recent departure. He called me when he left and said he would get in touch when he settled in.

Since then he has called and we spoke, briefly; just long enough to get his phone number and for me to tell him I was worried he would fall off the wagon again. He assured me that was in the past, we said I love you, and that's where it stands.

Yes, I do want to give him emotional support. I wanted to tell him, out right, that I feel privileged to have a gay member in the family. I'm just worried that I may come across as phony and artificial.

That's why I turned to this forum for advice, and I thank all of you for your support. It is very encouraging to hear so many differing opinions on the subject. It tells me that there is no right answer and, like all questions in human relations, you just have to play it by ear and hope that the message of love comes across somehow.

Thank you.

[Larissa238]

21. Talk to him about it.

I know that my brother knows and supports me for who I am. My stepfather, too. All they needed to tell me was "If it makes you happy, then we are okay with it". that helped me, knowing that they supported me, and all they wanted was for me to be happy. It was a great comfort. My mother, she joked about it, and it made me feel a bit uncomfortable, since I dont know what her stance on it is. I brought my ex girfriend to things, and she didnt say anything, but she did go and tell my family members without my persmission that I am gay.