CNN ADMITS IT CANNOT PROVE AUTHENTICITY OF WOLF BLITZER

[DeepModem Mom]

CNN Admits It Cannot Prove Authenticity of Wolf Blitzer
Posted by James Wolcott

In a shock announcement that will reverberate through broadcast journalism, CNN has acknowledged that it can no longer vouch for the authenticity of host Wolf Blitzer.

After months of being buffeted by accusations and speculation, CNN subjected Blitzer to a series of forensic tests over the weekend and determined that his beard is a polyfiber synthetic and his lack of affect was attributable to a defective chip insecurely fitted into his fliptop head.

"Though we regret learning Wolf Blitzer is animatronic," said CNN chief Bip Peterson, "this in no way undermines the integrity of the journalism he did for the network, or CNN's commitment to the reelection of George Bush."

Speculation now turns to CNN's Judy Woodruff, rumored for years to be a stick-figure pictogram, despite fierce denials from colleagues who claim to have ridden the elevator with her.

"Judy, Wolf, Larry King--none of them are real," says a former intern at the network who still has nightmares.

http://www.jameswolcott.com/

[DesEtoiles]

1. Breaking...beard may be faux

[GiovanniC]

2. We Already Know His Name Is a Fraud

Document analysts have indicated that Wolf Blitzer's real name is, in fact, Leslie.

"Calling himself Wolf -- that's a fraud perpetrated on the American people," said one anonymous source. "What else are you lying about, Leslie? If we can't even trust you to tell us your real name, what can we trust you about?"

[spanone]

4. If my name was leslie, I'd lie too.

[liberal N proud]

3. We have all been suspecting such things n/t

[kiowa]

9. like your reply.

Can you post a rant on my website in a couple of days when it is up and running?

www.bushirts.com

Thanks.

[liberal N proud]

12. I will look at and see!

Thanks

[DeepModem Mom]

16. Hi, kiowa -- welcome to DU!

[lanparty]

5. Blitzer appeared right after ...

... Chris Elliot went off Letterman.

My guess is they gave the Elliot robot new skin and set him to the task of reading news!!!!!

A new "Elliot" robot was constructed later for "Get a Life", "SNL", "Cabin Boy" and other marginally successfull media projects.

[DeepModem Mom]

8. Hmmmmmm....... (n/t)

[underpants]

6. Russert tells Katie"This is devastating for the Kerry campaign"

It works everywhere.

[Supersedeas]

15. LoL and with every subject Stocks up or down - devastating to Kerry

[liveoaktx]

7. If you have not already read the book "Attack Poodles and other Media

Mutants", run right out and get it, it's a hoot!

[colonel odis]

10. i think i'll have to email wolf and ask him

why he picked "wolf." why not "zebra" or "lion." i guess "cricket" would be preferable to "leslie," though.

[gratuitous]

14. Oooh, yeah

Every time you email Leslie, make reference to his being a defective animatronic. Hee, hee, hee.

[Gregorian]

11. This just in...Ex U-Boat commander is actually a robot. WARNING!

But hell, even a broken clock is right twice a day.

[spooky3]

13. haha! Wolcott sounds as though he'd have that famous pillow

embroidered with "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me."

[blondeatlast]

18. Read his book, "Attack Poodles and Other Media Mutants."

Absolutely hilarious!

[blondeatlast]

17. I LOVE Wolcott. "Attack Poodles" was both hilarious and tragic. nt