(SATIRE)
In a joint statement released by both the White House and State Department, the Administration today revealed some details of a bold new plan that they claim will not only satisfy the President’s requirement that any health care reform legislation be “deficit neutral,” but also, “usher in a new era of friendship and cooperation between the United States and a long-time adversary.”
President Obama singled out Secretary of State Hillary Clinton for praise, saying, “Only Secretary Clinton, thanks to her unique background encompassing both diplomacy and health care expertise, as well as her ability to think outside the box, could have pulled this off.”
Under a deal worked out by the State Department, Libya has agreed to accept terminally ill patients covered under the proposed public health care option as well as terminally ill inmates currently being treated within state and federal prison systems.
Libya’s Health Minister Mohamed Hijazi was particularly excited about the prospect of his country being, “the last stop” for many of the United States’ Death Row prisoners, telling reporters, “I think we have demonstrated that nobody takes care of murderers of innocent Americans better than we do.”
A jubilant Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius, while providing some specifics of the plan, noted, “I think we can put to rest all of the fears and ugly rumors about Grandma being euthanized under a government-run plan. Quite the contrary – she’ll get to spend her final days in a climate most retirees aspire to but can’t afford. In fact, the plan calls for those with enough cognition to be told they’re in a retirement community in Arizona. And should someone somehow ‘slip though the cracks,’ the plan explicitly requires that anyone sent to Libya who demonstrably recognizes that they’re not in Arizona — and doesn’t buy that it’s actually Nevada either — will be sent home if their family so chooses. But I want make it clear to all that we will never forcibly remove your loved ones from the country. If you prefer that Grandma not be sent to Libya, I promise you that we’ll send her to a really nice farm upstate instead.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was quick to point out the savings that will be realized from the plan, particularly for the nation’s prisons. “When you see how much money Scotland just saved by sending just one terminally ill prisoner to Libya, well… you do the math. The fact is that health care, like life itself, is much cheaper over there.”
Gibbs also expressed the administration’s gratitude to News Corporation, who as part of the deal agreed to a personal request by Libyan leader and African Union Chairman Muammar Gaddafi that Fox News Channel be broadcast as part of basic cable and satellite television packages in Libya, adding, “Apparently Colonel Gaddafi feels a special sort of kinship with a lot of those guys.”
In a related story, Donald Rumsfeld and John Ashcroft issued a statement questioning the President’s commitment to health care reform, arguing that, “If he’s really serious about getting it done this year, he should be pressuring the World Health Organization to raise the Swine Flu pandemic alert level to 7.”
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