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CDC confirms outbreak of "Elephant Flu" in 26 states.

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grantcart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 10:34 PM
Original message
CDC confirms outbreak of "Elephant Flu" in 26 states.



CDC confirms outbreak of "Elephant Flu" in 26 States.





AP
Atlanta, GA

By Dewey Cheetham



In an unusual Sunday press conference Acting CDC Director Dr. Richard Bresser confirmed that the dreaded "Elephant Flu" virus has been identified in 26 states, "This is the same strain that first identified in Wheeling, West Virginia on Feb 9, 1950, when Senator McCarthy babbled the following, 'The State Department is infested with communists. I have here in my hand a list of 205a list of names that were made known to the Secretary of State as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping policy in the State Department' most rational people new that a serious mental disease had entered in the public square, it continues to this day".

CDC epidemological experts believe that the number of people that are at risk for the flu has declined considerably because they have been getting such large doses of it over the last 8 years.

The CDC has issued the following bulletin listing the 5 stages of development of the Elephant Flu






Elephant Flu - 5 Stage Matrix



The stages of Elephant Flu are classified as hyperaccumulative, in that as the disease progresses the additional stages are added to the previous stages and do not supersede them. It is common for patients to exhibit all 5 stages of the disease. The symptoms generally follow a standard progression and are obvious in their stasis but in some cases the later stages are so pronounced that it is thought that they skipped earlier stages. The symptoms exhibit both chronic and remitting behavior and almost never relapsing although it generally gets more pronounced in 2 year cycles. It almost always is accompanied by serious failure of the histauthentic lobe of the cortex resulting in constant confusion of historical facts.

Stage One - Extreme Political Ego/Narcissistic Transmodulation

Identifying Characteristics
The affected person begins to transpose individual experience with metaphysical truth. For example if a person has a bad experience at a post office they might express it with the following comment "The Government is the Problem we should dismantle Department of Education." There is also a transposing of personal interests with both the individual's own larger group interest and historical fact. One of the most common manifestations with this is "The Founding Fathers were both good evangelical Christians and Capitalists". (note 1)

Notable Occurrencess The first recordedoccurrencee was McCarthy'sinsistencee, without any independent evidence, that the US Army had tortured and denied the German soldiers who had murdered 90 American serviceman at Malmedy a fair trial.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malmedy_massacre ) Later this mumbo jumbo would be completely inverted and used by commentator Bill O'Reilly to assert that the Americans had executed German POWs (none of the Germans convicted of these crimes and sentenced to death actuallyreceivedd the death penalty.



Stage Two - Logic Impairment

Identifying Characteristics When they are speaking normal people get severe headaches. They frequently take statements that have an element of truth expand the parameters until what seems like a statement that has a logical foundation becomes absurdity. For example, stating that tax reduction has a stimulative effect is logical when the variable tax rate can reach 60% but becomes increasingly illogical when the rate goes down. If it were true at all rates then a tax reduction of 9% on a 10% rate would be stimulative, which of course it is not.

Notable Occurrences


When Republicans move their lips.



Stage Three Apocalyptic Collapse Syndrome


Identifying Characteristics: The affected person becomes hysterical and links everyday events to end of the world with a perpetualeschatologyl interpretation that ascribes final end of the world epochal signs to normal everyday occurrences.

Notable Occurences:
They can be seen daily on The Glenn Beck Show, even other affected people like OReilly consider him beyond treatment http://pushingrope.blogspot.com/2009/02/glenn-becks-cra... . The affected person becomes delusional (here comparing Hitler and Jesus http://crooksandliars.com/2007/09/24/glenn-beck-jesus-a... ) and also show signs of megalomania (here arguing for a NAZI style Final Solution on all Islamic Extremists http://crooksandliars.com/2007/11/06/glenn-becks-final-... )

Stage Four Group Purification Syndrome


Identifying Characteristics: The infected sub group goes through a kind of obsessive nit picking and name calling among its own infected group in a relentless effort to achieve sanctity through purification not dissimilar to an OCD patient repeatedly washing their hands.

Notable Occurrences:


See Goldwater vs. Rockefeller, Reagan vs. Ford, and the current Steele vs. everyone vs. Gingrich vs. Palin.

Stage Five - Batshit Crazy


Identifying Characteristics: You will know it when you see it:

Notable Occurrences:


Too extensive to detail but since the original symptoms shown by Joe McCarthy there have been thousands of examples. Here are some recent examples showing geographic spread of the syndrome;



"Im a foreign correspondent on enemy lines and I try to let everyone back here in Minnesota know exactly the nefarious activities that are taking place in Washington." Michelle Bachman



George Lambus, candidate (R) for Mayor of Jackson, MS
"Crime can only be alleviated by a noose and a stout tree limb. I will provide the noose."



Fox's Megyn Kelly asks ACORN spokesman: "You're going to send child rapists out to conduct the census?

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://4.bp.blog...

Arguably the worst case to date:



Preventative measures;
No prophylactic regime is known to have an effective barrier for the disease. The best preventative step is to stay away from small groups of close minded uneducated fearful people. Try and stay engaged with open minded well educated people with an altruistic mindset interested in history who are capable of transcending their own personal experiences and deal with complex abstract thoughts.




Note (1) The anachronistic claim about Founding Fathers reflecting modern concepts is the most classical and widespread evidence of the Elephant Flu, and the most easily dispatched. Capitalism was only orgainized as a replacement to mercantilism in the mid 19th Century (the New York Stock Exchange was, for example founded in 1817, and Dispensationalism -the precursor to the Evangelical Movement- was first proclaimed by Darby in 1832.




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NYC_SKP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 10:35 PM
Response to Original message
1. Sumblimely funny
Recommended!

:patriot:
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sakabatou Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 10:42 PM
Response to Original message
2. How long until the CDC confirms
"Lame Duck" flu?
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sakabatou Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 02:23 PM
Response to Reply #2
29. The whole entire RNC is a lame duck
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FrenchieCat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 10:44 PM
Response to Original message
3. CNN talking heads are going to explode....although I suspect,
the Elephant flu has already hit Atlanta!
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asphalt.jungle Donating Member (792 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 10:53 PM
Response to Original message
4. i thought the George Lambus bit was hilarious until i googled him and found out the quote is real
Edited on Sun May-03-09 10:54 PM by asphalt.jungle
WTF ... fuck that old Uncle Ruckus ass lame. i'm seething right now.

even the name Lambus came across like ironic humor. oh how i wish i could go back to the joyful feeling i had when i thought it was fake.
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grantcart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 11:01 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. you can't make up stuff that is as batshit crazy as they are

and I literally found it by googling "batshit crazy Republicans" lol.
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Bette Noir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 08:53 AM
Response to Reply #4
20. I'm unsure whether it's better or worse that the guy calling for a return to lynching
is black. I think it's probably worse.
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Pacifist Patriot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 11:24 AM
Response to Reply #20
23. It is irony at it's most disgusting, isn't it?
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cliffordu Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 11:04 PM
Response to Original message
6. This needs to be shared with the world.....
Edited on Sun May-03-09 11:06 PM by cliffordu
:applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl:
:applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl:
:applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl: :applause: :bounce: :rofl:


Brilliant, grantcart, just brilliant.
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grantcart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 11:25 PM
Response to Reply #6
8. I'll tell Dewey you approved.
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Clio the Leo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 11:12 PM
Response to Original message
7. rec #8! NT
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saltpoint Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 11:27 PM
Response to Original message
9. Bravissimo!
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havocmom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun May-03-09 11:33 PM
Response to Original message
10. bookmarking
cuz I will need a laugh tomorrow evening.

Thanks
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JeffR Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:02 AM
Response to Original message
11. Kayed, Arghhhed
and DUzied.

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babylonsister Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:06 AM
Response to Original message
12. No way. How cruel.
:rofl: :thumbsup:
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dgauss Donating Member (217 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:52 AM
Response to Original message
13. Do NOT stare at that last Sarah Palin photo for more than 10 seconds.
I know I have a low post count but just trust me on this one.
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stevedeshazer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:58 AM
Response to Original message
14. Yer killin' me here
So recommended.

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PBS Poll-435 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 02:16 AM
Response to Original message
15. Oh My...
K&R.
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Berry Cool Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 06:24 AM
Response to Original message
16. K&R, too funny
Yes, it sure does seem that a lot of people are developing resistance to the Elephant Flu from overexposure, and that's a good thing. Apparently a great deal of the US population has built up a resistance to the current strain, and even the bizarre mutations it's undergoing in an attempt to regain its infectious efficacy seem to be attacking only the most vulnerable in our population.
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rvablue Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 08:21 AM
Response to Original message
17. This was hilarious. Needs to be read by all! n/t
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Uzybone Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 08:35 AM
Response to Original message
18. LMAO....awesome
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Bette Noir Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 08:51 AM
Response to Original message
19. Thanks for the warning. I'll keep my eyes open.
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lonestarnot Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 09:24 AM
Response to Original message
21. Check out new band "Cage the Elephant." You may be glad you did.
Depends on your taste in music. :)
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pleah Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 09:52 AM
Response to Original message
22. K&R
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
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LeftishBrit Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 11:33 AM
Response to Original message
24. k&r
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Friday Donating Member (19 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:32 PM
Response to Original message
25. WooHoo!
<a href="http://toolbar.cafemom.com/index.php?utm_medium=cmi&utm... "><img border="0" src="" width="90" height="90"></a>
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AtomicKitten Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:34 PM
Response to Original message
26. You win the internets. n/t
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goclark Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 12:53 PM
Response to Original message
27. K and K and R for grantcart
Where have you been my friend?

This is a winner. :bounce:
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vinylsolution Donating Member (807 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 01:29 PM
Response to Original message
28. Also known as Ostrich Syndrome.


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liberal N proud Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 02:39 PM
Response to Original message
30. ROFL
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Spirochete Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 02:44 PM
Response to Original message
31. Reckon I seen a whole lot of things
but I ain't seen an elephant flu...

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grantcart Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 03:18 PM
Response to Reply #31
32. very funny
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Spirochete Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 07:42 PM
Response to Reply #32
36. Thanks. I'm here all week
Try the buffet, and don't forget to tip your waiter...
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MasonJar Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 04:18 PM
Response to Original message
33. Clever! And attention-getting!
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ClusterFreak Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 04:21 PM
Response to Original message
34. Awww....I just loves it I tells ya!!!!
:applause:
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BrklynLiberal Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 06:55 PM
Response to Original message
35. Perfect. Absolutely perfect!!!
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Stump Donating Member (808 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 07:45 PM
Response to Original message
37. K&R
Thanks for the laugh!
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madrchsod Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 08:44 PM
Response to Original message
38. perfection!
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onestepforward Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon May-04-09 09:50 PM
Response to Original message
39. Excellent!
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ThisThreadIsSatire Donating Member (697 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Tue May-05-09 09:17 AM
Response to Original message
40. "Great minds think alike..."
... some are better with the details.

WELL DONE!

http://thedesperateblogger.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/cdc... /
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