Feelings. Nothing more than Feelings

[Moonwalk]

Yes, yet another post on the whole outrage over the outrage (or lack of enough outrage) over Warren. I want to focus on one part of it. Feelings. I think it's really deadly and dangerous to get into arguments that come down to this: On the one side: whatever experiences a straight person has, they can't know how the GLBT person feels. And, on the other side: a GLBT should accept that everyone here empathizes and understand them.

Both sides end up feeling misunderstood, and rightly so. The danger I see in this, however, is that it has no bottom to it. Feelings are subjective, and maybe I *can* feel the same even if I haven't had the same experiences. Or maybe I can't feel it. No one who isn't in my head can know. But bickering over whether I can or can't feel the same leads us, I believe, down a very slippery slope. After all, I've had experiences others have not. Grown up in my particular family at a particular time, and such. Taking accusations about feelings to their logical conclusion: wouldn't we say that no one can feel the way I do about anything? That no one can understand what another is feeling even if they share an experience because they aren't the same person?

And yet we believe that we do and can share feelings. It's what empathy is all about. We watch a movie and everyone cries together over a certain sad part. Why? We assume because everyone is sharing that same feeling, even if we never went through what that character on film went through. The point is, saying "You don't know how I'm feeling," even if it's entirely justified--or arguing that "Of course I can feel what you're feeling" even if it's entirely justified, is not productive. We all like to feel that we're different and feel differently and that our experiences are special, our pain unique. We also want to feel that we're amazingly empathetic and can understand everyone else's pain. We especially want to feel that people who don't agree with us are not understanding us--and so we can say what we like to them. And we REALLY want to to do this when we're hurt and they added to that hurt, and we're sick and tired of being the "nice" one. Why should we be understanding? Let them be understanding! The problem is, if we succeed in making them believe that they'll never be able to empathize with us, we will make them disconnect from us. And we will disconnect from them.

That's a bad thing. That's how we justify killing people in other lands, justify slavery and torture. We say, "They're not like us. They don't feel the same. They don't experience the same. They don't have to be treated the same."

So whether it's true or not that can feel the same, insisting that it is true doesn't get us anywhere. What will get us somewhere is admitting that Obama's choice was a terrible disappointment. And that we can't lash out our anger directly at him. He's not here so we can yell at him, "You idiot!"....So we lash out at those, here and elsewhere who excuse that decision. Meanwhile, those who excuse the decision might have a valid point, or maybe they just want to hope he didn't make a blunder. Maybe this is their way of avoiding those exactly same feelings of profound disappointment.

And so we lash out at each other. We say stupid things, often thoughtless things, and sensitive as we are, take insults even more to heart. Which makes me think that, yes, Obama really fucked up in this, as what he did led to this split. I don't know if we can get past it emotionally, but we really have to find a way to do so. Because there are 8 years to go and we have to close ranks. We can't let such a thing split us apart. Nor can we spend 8 years afraid to say anything for fear of being attacked by our own. Putting it another way: It's going to take strength of character, it's going to take reining in emotions, but we've got to remember where the real bigots are. And they're bigots against all of us. If we squabble among ourselves like this...they win.

What to do? Tell someone "This is what you said and how it makes me feel," and give them the benefit of the doubt if they say, "I understand." If someone says it to you, try to genuinely understand, and avoid saying, "I understand, but..." No buts. Just understand. Forgive them for letting feelings get the better of them. Ask to be forgiven for letting feelings get the better of you. Most of all, try to remember that the war has not been lost. We have not surrendered. All what's gone on here is an argument over a battle not the war. And that the war needs to be won.

We really need to win it. It is too important to squabble over, and yes, I will use that word. Because this IS about human rights and the consequences of losing it are so much larger than our hurt feelings. Remember that poem:

"....they came first for the Communists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist;
And then they came for the trade unionists, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist;
And then they came for the Jews, And I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew;
And then . . . they came for me . . . And by that time there was no one left to speak up."

We can accuse others of not feeling what we're feeling, or we can be upset that we're being so accused, but our feelings are not going to mean a thing if we let this war be lost. We will all end up in the same place, feeling the same thing, if we don't stand together and do something about this. Time to stop feeling, and start thinking. How can we win this war? That is all that matters.

[GarbagemanLB]

1. Like I said in another thread, everyone here shares the same goal. The strategies are what we

differ on.

[NYC_SKP]

2. Exactly. nt

[Umbram]

3. I think a chunck of people even agree on the strategies

they just disagree on the rhetoric employed here on DU.