Hugging Uncle Dick - The Republican Convention, Day Three

[hatrack]

It’s odd, but Dick Cheney tonight reminded me of Boston. Not of the site of the Democratic convention, but of the AOR stalwarts - “More Than A Feeling”, “Long Time”, Don’t Look Back.” Flip through the FM dial and wait a few; they’ll turn up sooner, not later.

Until the mid-1970s, popular music bowed to one ironclad rule - you can’t polish a turd. No matter how shiny your shoes, no matter how cute your lead singer, if your music didn’t have it - originality, passion, fire, energy and big fat hooks - you wouldn‘t last. The recording technology of the time couldn’t compensate. Sure, crappy one-hit wonders came and went like so many musical mayflies, but only distinctive, original musicians endured.

Until Boston, that is. With their 1976 debut Tom Scholz, their guitarist and techno-wizard, pushed recording technology forward so far and so fast that Americans gasped at the contrast to what had gone before. No rhythm tracks had ever felt as punchy; guitars leaped, shimmered and roared in a production as tightly knit as an Olympic skater’s butt. It didn’t seem like a problem at the time, it just sounded great. What it meant, though, was that talent, originality and passion no longer mattered. All anything had to do was just sound good. And so here we are, some thirty years on, as purportedly spicy digital samples try desperately to lend some sort of flavor to music spawned by corporate committee. But you’ve got to admit, it sure sounds good.

The idea of renegade Senator Zell Miller (D-Georgia) giving the keynote address probably sounded really good some months back. But, as I’ve noted, lots of things can sound good without enduring. E. J. Dionne hit it on the head during the NPR wrap-up, describing Miller’s screed as the most demagogic, vicious and vitriolic speech he could remember at any convention, which made Miller’s call for bipartisanship at its outset all the more hilarious. Miller’s behavior on the cable shows afterward - threatening to hit people and imploding under - mirabile visu! - tough on-air questioning made it obvious that Medicare drug discount cards are not reaching the general population nearly quickly enough. To make a long story short - don’t send Kenny G. to do John Coltrane’s job, particularly if he keeps forgetting where he put the car keys.

Though Dick Cheney is neither saxophonist nor digital sample-meister, he’s certainly been getting his share of polish these days. It’s not just the usual mentions of his loving family solicitude, or the arrival of grandchildren. The rubbing and buffing has been somewhat more extensive.

In case you missed it, Cheney “came out” against a federal constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, saying that states should decide. As bold defiance goes, it wasn‘t exactly John Paul Jones on the deck of the Bonhomme Richard. The whole display was rather like watching a gouty bulldog trot slowly to the end of its chain in a show of independence while a smiling owner looks on. And of course, the Republican Party’s official stance would also ban gay civil unions, rights of survivorship and the like. Even so, you can‘t say Uncle Dick wasn’t standing up for his daughter, at least for a day or two. No word yet, of course, on whether he’ll be doing any Alan Keyes fundraisers.

Sadly for Dick Cheney and his new compassionate image, all the Pledge of Arabia will not sweeten this little persona. This was apparent within ten seconds of Cheney’s opening words. The Vice President described his precious grandchildren, the promise of America and the past four years of triumphant progress, methodically chewing and measuring his words like a man munching his way through slabs of office paper. He made the case for his reelection with the energy and relish of a shipping clerk crosschecking boxes on a skid. Flat and unsupported assertions of economic progress and educational reform slid from the lectern and fell to the floor like tombstones dropping from a flatbed.

Not surprisingly, the fight against terrorism took up most of the Vice President’s attention. At times, his voice rose nearly half an octave in pitch as his oratory began to catch fire. After reminding everyone of September 11th (just in case you’d forgotten in the last 72 hours), he rowed steadily toward the sunny summit of his speech - reminding us that nuclear weapons in the hands of terrorists would be a bad thing, reminding us of the “mighty debt” we owe to the men and women in uniform, reminding us of the lasting peace we’re now building in the Middle East and of courage, vision and hope.

But that’s not why you watch Dick Cheney give a speech, now is it? It’s not Dick Cheney, Apostle of Freedom for whose sake the delegates endured New York and its indignities. Dick Cheney - eminence grise: Dick Cheney - Gnome King: Dick Cheney - Master of the Bunker: Dick Cheney - Republican Golem - this was the anti-charismatic rock star who brought the Garden to its feet again and again. This Cheney needed no polish, and was just what the crowd wanted - not sunny summits, but grinding destruction and fire-breathing focus-tested cliches. Only Mothra or Gamera could have improved the devastation, though Cheney in a rubber suit might have boosted the production values. Kerry as UN pawn, Kerry as liberal, Kerry as anti-military, Kerry as multi-culturalist, Kerry as ___________.

By the way, did you hear that terrorists attacked America on September 11th, 2001?

Uncle Dick was perhaps briefly huggable, but that time has come and gone. The utility of a huggable and human Vice President had limited shelf-life, measurable in days at best. And let’s face it, this was not a crowd in the mood for hugs. Faces contorted with the effort of producing resonant booing, blood drained to a thousand thumbs locked in the down position, and 10,000 vertebrae fought valiantly against the power of negativity-induced torque. It’s wasn’t exactly a positive vision of America. It sure didn’t address any specifics as to what the next four years may hold. It may not be have been “reaching out” to moderates and undecided, but you know, it sure sounded good.

The Turtle Wax cans are going back on the shelf, the chamois has been rinsed, shaken and dried, and Gotham grows quiet as we await Coronation Night.

[hatrack]

1. Another shameless self-kick

Come on, guys, I've been working hard on these! ;-)

[pretzel4gore]

2. cheney's had 4 (?) heart attacks

whatever, yet he still driven by earthly greed? nothing about these republicans make sense.....
i recall, as a kid, how the 'affairs of state' conerned such huge, deadly serious issues watched over by giant seeming men (and women)...it seemed so esoteric, so involved having its own language and techniques, which required a priest-like class of diplomats to organize etc: the bush administration, as revealed by dick and tom and don and john and george junior, show this to be untrue....hell i and a bunch of my working class friends could do a better job runnin' america then these murdering goofs...even if i was like 12 yo i could still see through cheney and his bush...
good work hatrack....