Who Will McCain's VP Candidate Be? An Analysis...

[JTG of the PRB]

I know we'd all been pretty antsy around here lately, waiting for Obama to enlighten us as to which political veteran he'd choose as his running mate. We finally had that tension relieved sometime early Saturday morning when it was announced that Senator Joe Biden would be Obama's running mate. That question was finally answered, but it began to raise another one: Who would John McCain, perennial loser and presumptive Republican nominee, choose to be HIS running mate?

Sure, we've heard a lot of names thrown out there - Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Ghouliani... The list goes on and on for literally three or four more names. But where's the fun in all that? Why would McCain want to introduce a logical choice to balance his campaign and make headway in the polls? Isn't his running platform of bringing "Matlock" back to prime-time and "Slight indigestion for all!" good enough for the American people? I say it's not!

In the interest of helping our old, old, excessively old friend, I've compiled a list of Vice Presidential candidates that could help boost McCain in some of the most obscure, over-looked, and made-up segments of our population and thrust him toward a severe defeat in the election, as opposed to the crushing defeat he will most assuredly suffer should he select a "mainstream" candidate.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the candidates...

Grandpa Simpson:


He'll bring in the youth vote that McCain has sorely been missing ever since he was declared the presumptive nominee.

Peter Boyle as Frankenstein's monster in "Young Frankenstein":


This selection would bring McCain the coveted evil/misunderstood super scientist vote, and Boyle will being some excitement and energy to the McCain campaign, despite the fact that Peter Boyle sadly died a couple of years ago.

A talking parrot:


What better way to assure the McCain's VP nominee would stay on message? All you have to do is teach him a few key phrases and let him out into the world so he can hold impromptu press conferences near some sunflower seeds. "Braaaak! Bomb Iran! Braaaak! Bomb Vietnam! Braaaak! Bomb the gays!"

KITT, from "Knight Rider":


This would lend McCain some sorely-needed "street cred." Imagine McCain speeding toward the podium, jumping an exploding pile of oil barrels, and skidding to a stop right in front of the microphone. What an entrance! The crowd would go wild! (Note: The Hoff would not be included in this deal. The Hoff costs extra.)

Lassie:


Who wouldn't want a heroic dog like Lassie balancing the ticket for them? "What's that, Lassie? Ahmadinejad is stockpiling biological AND chemical weapons? Down by the old well? Lead the way, girl! I'll grab my shotgun to scare him off!"

Asparagus:


It has more of a personality than Mitt Romney, that's for sure.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:


"Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." What better way to keep Iran in check than making their whack-job president McCain's veep nominee? Hell, he might actually bring a few rational ideas to the table - such as not bombing Iran, and not going to war for oil (again). Whether McCain would actually listen to such radical ideas would depend on how much he can turn his hearing aids up.

An old shoe:


The old shoe is certainly not the most vocal of candidates, but its wrinkled, leathery exterior will help distract from John McCain's wrinkled, leathery exterior.

A handful of magic beans:


We all know McCain can't be trusted with the nation's cow, as he would assuredly trade it for some "magic" beans on the way to market. But what if those beans really WERE magic? They could grow an enormous beanstalk to the heavens - not only with enough beans to feed all the destitute poor people McCain so desperately wants to screw over, but it would also give us the opportunity to plunder the riches from the magical sky castles that sit atop every cloud! Our deficit woes would be completely forgotten, just as soon as we could get our hands on that golden egg-laying goose!

A traitorous, lying sack of flip-flopping shit:


Hey, you never know. McCain COULD still sink deeper...

[BlooInBloo]

1. Interestingly enough, no-one really cares who McNounVerbPOW's running mate is - lol!