My email to MSNBC=Please Critique Before I send

[mourningdove92]

I haven't clicked the send button yet. Please critique.

The Swift Boaters who are denouncing Senator Kerry are, in reality, attacking the entire military. What they are saying is that the military, in this case the Navy, just hands out Purple Hearts, Bronze Medals and Silver Stars like they were candy. They are saying that the Navy does not do a thorough investigation prior to making these awards. By this act, they are calling into question every American Soldier who has ever been awarded these honors. Shame on the Swift Boat Liars for Bush.

[annabanana]

1. looks good to me...

:-)

[T Roosevelt]

2. You might commend them for what they've done recently

specifically Olbermann and Matthews (though even a stopped clock is right twice a day). Start out with their encounters with Thurlow and Malkin, and then finish with your text...

[faithnotgreed]

5. yes - do mention that you appreciate their shows that are

working towards the facts (lately hardball and keith olbermann, and deborah had a great show with sibel edmonds last week)

[DemocratSinceBirth]

3. I'll Give It an A

nt

[diddlysquat]

4. There was a soldier who posted yesterday that said pretty much

the same thing. Only he said it better. It was very moving. Sorry I don't remember which post.

[MoonRiver]

6. It's great and reflects my sentiments exactly.

This fight is really Swift Boat Liars versus the US Navy.

[volosong]

7. Only Thing I Would Add

Is to insist that the news media stop prostituting themselves to these discredited allegations.

Tell them folks are fed up with the Smear Boat soap opera and now it is time to discuss the issues.

Just because Bush doesn't have the decency and Christian family values to denounce these unsubstantiated attacks, doesn't mean that the media has to continue to be a whore to gutter politics and an election by slanderous dissection.

[volosong]

8. I would not just send it to MSNBC...

All media are guilty of propagating this crap.

Use this link and hit dozens of them with one click:

http://congress.org/congressorg/dbq/media/

[mourningdove92]

9. My updated version, containing your suggestion.

The Swift Boaters who are denouncing Senator Kerry are, in reality, attacking the entire military. What they are saying is that the military, in this case the Navy, just hands out Purple Hearts, Bronze Stars and Silver Stars like they were candy. They are saying that the Navy does not do a thorough investigation prior to making these awards. By this act, they are calling into question every American Soldier who has ever been awarded these honors. Shame on the Swift Boat Liars for Bush.
Thank you Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann and Deborah Norville for diligently serving your public in the quest for truth. Unlike your competitors, I might add.
Unfortunately, our current Commander in Chief cares more about trying to win an election than he cares about the damage being done to our military.

Well, should I send now? Thanks volosong for the suggestion. Will do, but will edit slightly for the "others".

[Gildor Inglorion]

10. Excellent document, send it by all means!

And thank you for sharing it with us. As a Vietnam veteran myself, these Swift Boat liars make me feel contaminated and uncomfortable.

[markses]

11. Here ya go

The Swift Boaters who are denouncing Senator Kerry are, in reality, attacking the entire military. They are saying that the military, in this case the Navy, just hands out Purple Hearts, Bronze Medals and Silver Stars like they were candy. They are saying that the Navy does not do a thorough investigation prior to making these awards. By this act, they are calling into question every American serviceperson who has ever been awarded these honors. Shame on the Swift Boat Liars for Bush.

-------------------------

1. Avoid unwieldy construction "What they are saying is that..." Replace with "They are saying that...," which would also build up a nice anaphora (repetition at the beginning of subsequent clauses) with the following two sentences. If you want to make them sound even more ridiculous, you would start off by calling their claim into question --- by calling it just a claim:

To believe their claims, you'd have to believe that the military, in this case the Navy, just hands out Purple Hearts, Bronze Medals and Silver Stars like they were candy. To believe their claims, you'd have to believe the Navy does not do a thorough investigation prior to making these awards. Their claims, in short, call into question every American serviceperson who has ever been awarded these honors. Shame on the Swift Boat Liars for Bush.

2. Soldier refers specifically to the Army, so you should not use it to refer to all branches of service.

[mourningdove92]

13. Great suggestions markses

Unfortunately, I already sent it to MSNBC and CNN, but did make the changes you suggested to the one sent to O'liely.

[Lefty48197]

12. Shame on all the media for falling for it too.

.

[HarveyBriggs]

14. Excellent thought Mourning Dove

Here's an edit for impact.

Your words, but reducing the qualifiers. It could increase your chances of getting it read on air, or at least through to the writing staff.

I also took out some passive voice to increase punch.

You asked, I hope you don't mind my suggestions for edit:

--

The Swift Boaters denouncing Senator Kerry are attacking the entire military. They say the military hands out Purple Hearts, Bronze Medals and Silver Stars like they were candy. And the Navy does not do a thorough investigation prior to making their awards.

By this act, they call into question every American Soldier who ever earned these honors. Shame on the Swift Boat Veterans for Bush.

--

On the last sentence, why use the inflammatory "Liars" when Veterans is closer to the name, and it really focuses on the absolutely excellent point you make that they are for Bush, and not the truth? By taking out the inflammatory word and making it closer to the title, you may also get some Republicans using the phrase by mistake.

Excellent copy, I hope you don't take offense at the edit.

Harvey Briggs

[mourningdove92]

17. Excellent points, Harvey. No, no offense taken.

The email I sent to O'liely came back to me, so I will try again using your suggestions. The other two already went.

Thanks for the editing. I would really like to hear this issue discussed. I want to hear anything that will make my email more likely to be read.

Maybe some other DUers would take all these excellent suggestions and send emails on the same subject. From what I can tell, the SWB liars would have absolutely NO DEFENSE for this.

[HarveyBriggs]

18. Good minds think alike, Mourning Dove

It's good to hear you like my edits.

While you were writing your letter to the editor, I did this:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x652387

So as you can see, I think it is a very powerful, and quite cogent point.

Swift Boat Veterans for Bush. Very strong.

Harvey Briggs

[jimshoes]

15. Echos my sentiments

exactly. I would also suggest that these liars be stripped of their medals for dragging the dignity of The United States Navy through the mud.

[quinnox]

16. Good response

Something along these lines should be written to letters to the editor section in newspapers around the country.