I may have been a little too strong on some of you Obama supporters...

[Solon]

Its hard for me to say that, and to be honest, I don't even know if it could be considered a proper apology. To be frank, I sit here in front of my computer, drudging up some old memories that I buried in anger, but are really about guilt. This may have lead to some overreaction on my part in defending my GBLT friends, but in reality, I was actually defending my sister, Lanetra. I don't think I'm being completely honest with myself, its not just about her, but about myself, and my guilt at what I had to do. I think I'm trying to sublimate my guilt by lashing out at others, perhaps unfairly, though the anger remains, smoldering in the background.

I guess I want to give my own story, or our story, I should say. I've known Lanetra for many years, sounds odd I know, but she isn't a blood sister, but a friend I love more than myself. She's my best friend, but I feel even that is inadequate to understand how I feel about her, we have shared things I've never shared with anyone outside of my family, or even in my family. She's faced some horrendous things in her life, mostly because she's a lesbian. Coming from a Mormon family isn't easy for a homosexual, and for all the hurt her family has caused her, she persevered.

I'll try to keep this simple, but to get to the point, I was living with Lanetra, as roommates obviously, and she came home after a bad breakup. She's been through breakups before, but this time was different. She was crying, hysterically, I've never seen her this way, the thing is that she never mentioned her ex-girlfriend's name, she started screaming that the world, her family, even God, hated her, that no one cared about her or loved her. I tried to calm her down, but I just couldn't get through. It was as if all the anger, resentment, and shame of her life just was bubbling to the surface.

Then it happened, all she said was that she should "End it all" and then she lunged for the knife holder on the counter in the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and started to plunge it into her chest. To be honest, its mostly a blur, before I knew it, I had her hand twisted behind her back and I pulled until she screamed with pain and dropped the knife. I then wrenched her arms across the front of her body, I was behind her, and then I fell on purpose, slamming both of us on the kitchen floor. I then wrapped my legs around her waist, immobilizing her own legs, and held her there. She fought viciously, she looked back at me as if betrayed, even claimed I hated her too. I can't tell you how I felt, it happened so fast, it was something I'll never forget.

I just kept her on the floor, rocking back and forth, I could think of nothing else, as if I were rocking a baby to sleep. I just kept saying "Someone cares, I love you" repeatedly. It took a while, but she eventually calmed down enough where I could release her, I took the knife and put it away. All she said was that she was fine now and that she wanted to go to bed. The only concession was that I wouldn't let her close her bedroom door, and I made sure that she didn't try anything. I didn't sleep at all that night, she, oddly enough, slept like a baby. I would sit by her bed, watching her sleep, and I grew angry, it was an unfocused rage, I was angry at a world that would make her think her life was so worthless that she wanted to commit suicide.

The next day was more awkward, we didn't know how to treat each other, she tried to open with an apology, but I cut her off and told her it wasn't needed. We both moved around rather stiffly that day, for obvious reasons. But then she showed me the bruises, she was bruised all along her back, chest, and especially her arm. I'll be honest with myself, I was proud of my actions the night before, I was her hero, saved her from herself in the most direct way possible, but that all came crashing down when I saw the bruises. I HURT her, I've never hurt anyone in my entire life, at least on purpose, and I hurt her, I don't think I will ever get over that. She never mentioned it after that day, and she told me that she didn't blame me, but I still blamed myself.

I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for my actions, the fact is that I would sooner kill myself than hurt her, yet look at what I did! I damned near broke her arm, I am twice her weight and half a foot taller than her, and I'm not that tall, and I could have seriously hurt her. I keep on thinking that maybe I could have done something different, maybe have said something or taken the knife away without hurting her. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I still do, even after all these years that it happened. I just can't excuse my own actions, my own doubt, as to whether I did the right thing.

Shit, it took me an hour and a half to write that, fighting the tears of shame. To be honest, I don't know what I'm writing this for, absolution? Forgiveness? Understanding?

I don't know, I just feel like I have to write this, if not for greater understanding, for myself instead. I just remember the look on her face, she felt betrayed by the world, by me, and instead of comforting her I gave her pain. I've been seeing that face more and more over the past few days, to be honest, for the longest time, I buried these memories consciously. When I saw the words of McClurkin and the other homophobic artists, I took it as an attack on Lanetra herself. Let's just say that my blood pressure most likely shot up to a dangerous level, it does anytime I see homophobic remarks. These types of people created a world where my Lanetra thought her life was worthless. They made me hurt her.

I know its selfish to feel this way, but I can't help it. I just want to change the world so that she would never have to feel that the world rejects her so utterly as it does now. If I had the power, I would wipe every homophobe off the planet, by any means necessary. I know its wrong, but that's how I feel. I may have overreacted a bit to some Obama supporters, if you feel I unfairly attacked you, I don't know if I have the strength to apologize, but I do regret my words. Just understand that what Obama is doing is an affront to my very existence.

[varkam]

1. Thanks for sharing that.

It takes a lot of courage to share some of the most intimate details of who you are, especially with a bunch of relative strangers so I commend you for doing so.

I can see why you feel the way that you feel, and I don't think anyone will blame you for it. About hurting her...I don't think that there was anything wrong with what you did. In fact, I think what you did was the right thing to do and I would question anyone who thinks otherwise. Bruises and scrapes will heal...what she was going to do if you hadn't stopped her would not. Honestly, if I were in her shoes and my friend did not stop me be doing whatever they could then I'd question if they were really my friends in the first place. But that's just my .02.

:pals: Don't be too hard on yourself. We all get bent out of shape around here once in a while, especially with topics like this.

[Solon]

2. I soon fell asleep after I posted that...

To be honest, I just didn't think at that time, I figure if I did, I would have hesitated, and Gods only knows what would have happened after that. After all this time, I don't know which one of us were more ashamed of our actions, and we never talked about it after that next day. Its just that I realized I could have seriously hurt her, and WOULD have, just to stop her, I didn't hold back that night.

[ronnykmarshall]

3. You are fantastic!

What a great friend you are!

[bigwillq]

4. Thanks for sharing.

:hug:

[Forkboy]

5. Let me ask you this.How would you feel had you stood by while she killed herself?

My ex-wife's mother was very sick and on life support before she died.My wife was one of three sisters, the youngest, and was the closest to her mother.One day at the hospital her mother asked her to turn the machine off when the doctors were gone, and she couldn't do it.

To this day she's fighting that guilt of not being "strong enough" (her words) to do it.I told her pretty much the same thing.How much guilt would you feel now had you done it? It would be even more than she feels now, and I bet it would be worse for you too had you done nothing with your friend.

You kept her alive.

[Solon]

6. That's a hard question to answer.

I guess the most honest answer is that I wouldn't be alive today, the guilt would have been too much. I know it sounds cowardly, but I would have killed myself that night if I just stood by and let her die. I would have been dead already, on the inside, I would have had no reason to live. The thing is that looking back on it, rationally I know I kept her alive, emotionally, I'm still guilty of hurting her. It probably doesn't make sense.

[cuke]

7. One thing about situations like this, if it's any "comfort"

is that sometimes we'll never know if we did the right thing. We do our best. and hope the worst didn't happen.

[Solon]

10. What you say is true, I guess that questioning your own actions...

can be a good thing, though I will say I have a bad habit of over analyzing everything I do after the fact. One of my fears was that I lost control of myself that night and was too forceful, causing her injury when I shouldn't of, I guess that's the source of the guilt.

[cuke]

13. I do the same overanalyzing

It's part of my anxiety disorder and I'm in the kind of situation where I never know if I did the right thing, so I get that a lot. I try to remember that I'm trying to do the right thing as best I can.

Doesn't change or "cure" anything, but it's helpful. That's why I put the word comfort in quotes in my previous post. It's not really a comfort. More like a recognition of how things are, which with my buddhist inclinations helps me accept it

[Solon]

15. Your right, its not really a comfort, but more like an acceptance of the way things are...

However we wish it, we aren't perfect, and generally I would like to believe that my contribution to her life has been positive. She thinks so, so I think that is enough.

[Forkboy]

8. I don't think it's sounds cowardly.

I think of suicide regularly, and quite often feel the cowardly thing is to NOT do it (but that's a different thread for another day).

But by saying that, you did answer my question, for both of us.It sounds like you not only saved her, but yourself as well.I know you feel bad for what you did physically, but sometimes we don't have the option of a good and bad choice to choose from.All too often it's just two bad choices, and we have to pick the least of them.

It probably doesn't make sense.

Emotions of this strength rarely do.

Peace, my friend, and thanks for your OP.

[Solon]

12. I was raised to believe that all our lives have value...

To be honest, I was rather shocked that she attempted what she did, she never attempted suicide before, though she told me that she thought about it when she was in her teenage years. I'll be honest, I never really understood the depths of her pain until that night, that she thought her life was valueless, it was a great shock to me. I honestly haven't felt that way since I was a teenager. What made it even worse was that, on some level, what she felt was reasonable, even though I know the truth, that her life is of great value to others, the fact is that rejection she felt she also experienced. She is a good person, yet the world couldn't see it, that is what upsets me the most.

[zulchzulu]

9. Thanks for sharing that story

It's nothing like what you went through, but I have a brother who is gay and he pretty much felt left out by my family except me. He's gone through several stages of possible bi-polar episodes and I've thought a couple times that I'd never see him again alive. I also had an uncle who died of AIDS in front of my eyes and his last look haunts me still.

If I said anything to upset you about the SC concert, I apologize as well. The whole thing is just troubling on so many levels and I sincerely believe Barack Obama is not homophobic at all. I certainly hope that things change with that event.

I wish you the best in your healing through those troubling memories with your family.

[Solon]

14. The concert does upset me...

I don't think Obama is homophobic himself, so I generally focused on the concert and the artists there and their open beliefs about homosexuality, though I may have slipped a few times. What upset me even worse were the excuses for homophobia that were being argued on this very board. I'll be frank, I don't care where those beliefs come from, they are wrong. I took it as a personal attack, to be honest, on my sister, there is NOTHING wrong with her and there is nothing wrong with her loving other women. She's a good person, and that's all that matters, and the only Gods worth worshiping would be those who would welcome her into the Afterlife with open arms.

[ruggerson]

11. You're an amazing guy

and she has her "brother" to thank for her life. And I'd rather you, at times, be too angry than not angry enough at what the world did to her and so many others.

:)

[Solon]

16. I think I'm getting burned out...

I'm sure someone will post something stupid again that will possibly set me off, but now I seem to be angered out. If that makes sense. My OP was more an expression of frustration that so many people DON'T GET IT, and maybe, for those straight people that don't get it, they can maybe just find a way to understand it from my perspective.

[IndianaJones]

17. I am touched by your story and ashamed to be part of the society that is responsible. nt.

[Forkboy]

18. After reading your posts on this IJ, I see no reason for you to be ashamed.

You're on the right side.Sometimes I ashamed of humans in general so I know what you're saying.But if you're fighting for what's right, and you are, I don't think you should feel ashamed.

I know we don't really get along here, but that's my 2 cents, for what it's worth.

[IndianaJones]

21. I appreciate your response. I will say that it is nothing to be proud of to be...

part of a majority that denies basic rights to an entire group. It is all to familiar to me as a racial minority, and I am disgusted by it.

[Solon]

19. I know, I'm ashamed of it too, but I think that we can become a force to change that society for...

the better.

[IndianaJones]

20. As evidenced by many of my posts, I am very pessimistic when it comes to issues of bigotry.

That I am part of a majority that relegates a group to second class status is hard to come to grips with.

[Solon]

22. I know, I'm somewhat pessimistic too...

Things are slightly better now, though it will be a long time before homosexuality will end up being as non-controversial as eye-color. Then again, even Racism still exists. Ideas about prejudices are hard to stamp out, as I said in a thread yesterday, what we need to do is make it shameful to hold such beliefs, and express them openly. Relegate the homophobes to fringe groups that no one likes anymore, kinda like the KKK and Aryan nations. It would be nice to live in a society where everyone is valued and a welcomed part of that society, and were only judged on their character, to badly paraphrase Martin Luther King Jr.

[CreekDog]

23. You didn't realize you caused a minor injury b/c you were busy saving her life

You absolutely did the right thing, your priorities were right, you had no malice and even in your anger later, you were still doing the right thing by staying by her beside being ever so vigilant.

We are our brother's/sister's keeper
We should treat others lives with as much value as we do our own

You lived up to those two in your actions that night.

You had the right priorities.

You are not expected to be perfect and further, when you have to react in an instant with physical force to prevent injury, you have to do what you have to do.

No living person ever complained of broken ribs after being saved by CPR. That's how you should consider this.

There was more to your post than I'm responding to, but this is what I felt compelled to build you up about --you did the right thing. If you had to, do it again. Nothing is more important than life.

[Solon]

24. I know that, on a rational level, on an emotional level, not so much...

its a combination of guilt, resentment, and anger. I justed hated being put into that position, not towards Lanetra, but towards the world. It probably doesn't make any sense, but its how I feel.