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Home » Discuss » Archives » General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009) Donate to DU
NanceGreggs Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-19-06 10:26 PM
Original message
Edited on Wed Jul-19-06 10:28 PM by NanceGreggs
(A Company wholly-owned by the Citizens thereof)

Memo to all Employees:

On behalf of the majority of shareholders (i.e. citizens) of the United States of America, I regret to inform you that massive dismissals are imminent in all sectors of the company. Individual letters will be sent to each of you in November, but this memo will serve to alert everyone at the Washington D.C. head office of the following planned terminations and the reasons therefore.

ELECTED OFFICIALS DEPARTMENT (House of Representatives and Senate Employees)
When you were hired, your job descriptions plainly set out your responsibilities in the areas of upholding the Constitution, as well as the inferred duties of protecting the companys most valuable assets.

We thought it obvious that we meant protection of things like the American Flag and the Pledge of Allegiance in the broadest sense, i.e. the concepts behind those symbols as opposed to the symbols themselves. We never expected that you would waste precious company time and resources protecting a piece of red-white-and-blue cloth as opposed to the things it stood for.

We realize now that the wording of that job duty could have been narrowed so as to avoid any misunderstanding. In our defense, quite frankly we thought we were dealing with a much more intelligent group of people. This miscalculation on our part will not be repeated in future.

As for your most important job responsibility (i.e. REPRESENTING the views of the shareholders), I think we can all agree that the execution of this particular responsibility has resulted in less than satisfactory results. To put it in the vernacular, You Blew It Big Time!

While many of you were honestly misled by the President/CEOs rosy picture of both the short- and long-term return on our investments in Afghanistan and Iraq, it should have become immediately apparent to all that this loser stock was promoted without the necessary scrutiny as to its true value, and should have been dropped from our investment portfolio within weeks of its purchase.

In view of the fact that the majority of the stockholders have expressed their concern over this investment and have not been heeded, the decision to stay the course is reflective of your ineptitude in making wise financial, as well as moral, decisions as to where the best course of action lies for our company as a whole.

In addition, as a result of this disastrous commitment of the companys assets, funds for more fruitful endeavors (education, medical coverage, rebuilding of NOLA, etc.) were not available when these more solid investment opportunities presented themselves.

While it makes good business sense for any corporation to borrow money for expansion purposes and to divest itself of non-producing assets, we thought it obvious that your department would be prudent enough NOT to run up the companys credit limits to the hilt, and sell off company-held properties such as ports, bridges, toll highways, etc., in order to offset runaway spending.

In future, we will be more scrupulous in checking references, academic achievement, and on-the-job experience as set forth in resumes that are tendered for positions in this area. To put it candidly, the performance of this department leads us to believe that the vast majority of you have not completed even the rudimentary courses requisite to perform the most basic tasks, including Basic Mathematics as taught in most accredited high schools.

(NOTE to whoever put the Cant we just tell the country theyve been PUNKD missive in the company Suggestion Box: We do not think this is an appropriate solution to the current fiscal problems we are facing.)

The less-than-superlative performance of this department can be summed up relatively easily:

September 12, 2001: The Whole World Loves Us.
July 2006: The Whole World hates Us.

I think that should suffice.

Again there appears to have been some misapprehension on the part of employees in this area as to the scope of their duties and responsibilities.

Your obvious (or so we thought) mandate was to ensure that company employees, in particular upper management, were counseled to stay within the law as it stands, and not to invent new law in ad hoc meetings where, we strongly suspect, alcohol was served on a White House Happy Hour basis.

In this case, we are prepared to accept resignations on the basis that judgment was impaired due to over-imbibing. It is preferable to thinking you were actually sober while executing your duties.

UPPER MANAGEMENT (President & Administration)
While the abovementioned employees and their respective departments bear responsibility for their own ineptitude, it is always incumbent on upper management to set the proper example for its underlings.

After reviewing the quarterly, semi-annual and annual performance records of current management, we are unfortunately forced to acknowledge that those presently in charge have consistently failed to improve the companys national and international corporate image, as well as the "bottom-line" aspects of the company. The main areas of mismanagement include fiscal irresponsibility, inadequate communication skills, and a failure to choose appropriate personnel to fill key company positions, in addition to a lack of direction and an innate inability to foresee the consequences of ill-advised actions.

It it also apparent that upper management has failed to display even a modicum of order and decorum, both within the confines of the office environment and without. While it in no way excuses unbecoming behavior, perhaps upper management failed to read the Company Conduct Guidelines which are contained within the Constitution, Bill of Rights, Declaration of Independence, and other written materials readily available in hard copy as well as on-line.

It is rare that we, the shareholders, comment on the out-of-office conduct of company employees. However, in view of the outlandish behavior of upper management personnel in public settings, particularly international conferences and meetings where they are representing the Corporation as opposed to themselves as individuals, we are moved to express our utter disappointment in this regard.

After consulting with our external legal advisors, we have been assured that although upper management was hired on a fixed-term contract basis, there are legal remedies available to rid the company of these employees in due course. We are hopeful that a change in personnel this November will lead to such remedies being pursued, if necessary.

Anyone wishing to avoid the embarrassment that inevitably accompanies dismissal is free to tender his or her resignation immediately. In such an instance, as always, the company will announce said departures as being due to a sudden yet overwhelming desire to spend more time with family members.

Yours Most Truly, etc
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MadMaddie Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-19-06 10:29 PM
Response to Original message
1. Nance.....I believe you have once again hit the target.....
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benddem Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-19-06 10:31 PM
Response to Original message
2. that's really great
maybe if we sent it to all of them...I know some of them are dumb enough to just leave. :toast:
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Mythsaje Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Jul-19-06 11:49 PM
Response to Original message
3. Your stuff keeps getting better and better...
Most excellent.

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Reckon Donating Member (729 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 12:55 AM
Response to Original message
4. Nice work, Nance!
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Totally Committed Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 07:16 AM
Response to Original message
5. Outstanding, as usual....
Thank you!

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sinkingfeeling Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 08:43 AM
Response to Original message
6. Nice work! Do you have a stack of pink slips available?
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xzyra Donating Member (40 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 09:43 AM
Response to Original message
right on the money

:thumbsup: :headbang:
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A Simple Game Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 09:49 AM
Response to Original message
8. Just as I suspected,
another anti-administration rant by NanceGreggs.

And just as I suspected, it was EXCELLENT!

Thanks, and keep up the good work, I look forward to reading your posts.
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Boxmaker43 Donating Member (9 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 12:01 PM
Response to Original message
9. Oh, would that it were true!!!
Unfortunately, the current situation seems much more like Dilbert than anything rational.

Some moments I think it's insanity...some moments, I'm really cynical and I think it's diabolical...some moments, I'm really optimistic and I think it's just unbelievable incompetence ... but mostly I think it's all of these.

Anyone who promulgates the use of nuclear weapons has to be, by any mother's definition, insane.

When I watch the constant and unremitting gutting of environmental legislation that took 30 years of hard work to forge, I see unconscionable greed.

When I see Jr. Mussolini gaffe and guffaw and swear and squeeze women publicly, I see crude, infantile, incompetence. In my mind's eye I can still see the "deer in the headlights" moment while reading to the children in Florida on 9/11.

When, oh when, will the citizenry wake up and rid the body politic of the lice and scabies and tapeworms of this long prelude to a nightmare?
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newyawker99 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 05:17 PM
Response to Reply #9
14. Hi Boxmaker43!!
Welcome to DU!! :toast:
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catmother Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 02:10 PM
Response to Original message
10. hey sis. another great job.
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rumpel Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 02:47 PM
Response to Original message
11. Excellent!

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emmadoggy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 02:47 PM
Response to Original message
12. Love it!
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alevensalor Donating Member (424 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Jul-20-06 03:29 PM
Response to Original message
13. Incredible
Way to go, that was a great read, and it should be posted far and wide across the whole of the internet!
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patricia92243 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Fri Jul-21-06 06:25 AM
Response to Original message
15. Our CEO President would be fired so fast his little pointed head would
swim if he really were in the corporate world. Instead, he gets to run our country into the ground - like everything else he lays his jinxed hands on.
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Home » Discuss » Archives » General Discussion: Presidential (Through Nov 2009) Donate to DU

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