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Where's Your Messiah Now? (A message from W)

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NanceGreggs Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 10:07 PM
Original message
Where's Your Messiah Now? (A message from W)
Wheres Your Messiah Now?
A Message from Our Fearless Leader
(As Conveyed By Nancy Greggs)

Well, I guess the events of the past few days means that the few of you who still believe in my abilities as a leader have finally cottoned on to the idea that you have been royally had. And Ive gotta ask, what took you so long?

Ever since that day I was first sworn into office, my hand on the Bible and my fingers crossed behind my back, Ive been anticipating this moment. Heck, even I didnt think it would take this many years, but I guess I mindunderestimated the stupidity of the average American citizen.

Oh, I know, I know. Contrary to what youve been told (about pretty much everything), I do look at those poll numbers. So I am aware that a lot of you have bailed over the past year or two. As for the rest of you, I cant imagine what its gonna take to wake you up from this dream youve been having where Im some kind of second coming.

Honestly, dudes. If YOU were God, would you have picked someone like ME to carry on your goodness in the world? For once in your life, try THINKING.

It all started with that whole Florida election fraud thing. I gotta level with you, even a mastermind like Jim Baker had his doubts that wed actually pull that one off. But thanks to you simple folk believing I was honestly elected, there I was, President of the United States.

When we started handing out those tax cuts to the wealthy, I thought to myself, Well, heres where it all falls apart. Whod be stupid enough to believe that giving folks like Dick Cheney a tax break was going to stimulate the economy? But Im willing to admit when Im wrong (well, sometimes), and I was wrong on that one. You guys lapped it up like one of Bill Frists kittens lapping up their last bowl of cream before headin for the lab.

But then 9/11 happened and I thought, Oh, shit, theyre on to me now. There I was sitting reading The Pet Goat, looking like the idiot I am. But then someone on the staff got me to NYC, handed me a bullhorn, and the rest is what do they call it? yeah, history. And you just loved it!

So we did the Afghanistan thing, just to make it look good, but we was already planning on Iraq by then and that presented some problems.

Now, just between you, me and that Curveball fella, I figured yall had me dead to rights when I trotted out that WMD nonsense. If I had a nickel for every time I said, Hey, Rummy, theyre NEVER going to swallow THIS story, Id be even richer than I already am. Hook, line and sinker thats how Rummy told me youd react, and you gotta give the man right when hes right.

So there we were, off to Iraq right on schedule, and there you were flying your flags and getting on board with this whole Democracy in the Middle East thing like youd invented it yourselves. And you pretty much did, because it was the LAST thing on our minds.

But its not like it was smooth sailing from the get-go, let me tell you. Wed sucked up to those Fundie nutcases pretty good in terms of them making a show of it at the polls in both so-called elections, so I got pretty nervous about the whole Gitmo and Abu Ghraib torture thing wed set up. I thought, well, there goes that born-again Christian schtick Id worked on for years.

But again, the stupidity of some people amazes even me sometimes. There we were, waterboardin, using dogs, even shipping people off to secret prisons right through international airports and you STILL BELIEVED that whole good Christian man crap that wed been spoon-feeding you. Hot damn! Gonzo and I still laugh our asses off over that every time we get together for a couple of brewskies.

Truth be told (which dont happen often with me), that whole Katrina thing caught us nappin. I mean, who knew? Sure, sure, wed had some yapping from people about how bad it might get, but we really didnt picture THAT many people drowning and all. We figured a couple of hundred, tops! So I gotta level with you folks; I was sure you had me on that one.

But no, you just hung in there, looking up to me like your great f*#king leader, even when I sat there and played the Goddamned guitar while an entire American city was washed away. By that time, I knew that most of you die-hard supporters were triple-O stooopid, but Jesus H. Christ on a bike, the fact that you looked the other way on that fiasco just blew me away.

But as they say, that was then, and this is now. Iraq is pretty much a write-off, and Afghanistan was in the toilet from day one. And now theres this crisis between Israel and yeah, some other heathen country I cant remember the name of, because quite frankly I dont give a damn.

Anyway, Im photographed having a sit-down with Putin, shit-faced, with a bottle of beer on the table in front of me, Im driving around in a little golf-cart thingy smilin and wavin like the fool I am while the Middle East is threatening to blow up, and when Im asked about it, Ive got the balls to stand there and whine about how long do I gotta wait before I can chow down.

And still you believed. You believed I was the second coming while I lied to you, cheated you, handed your tax dollars to my buddies, bankrupted the country, tortured innocent people, and killed off those Iraqis you were dumb enough to think I was actually there to liberate.

Youre spending most of your miserable salary on gas to get to the jobs that are left only because they were too crappy to outsource, your kids are going to wind up working like peasants just to pay off the interest on the debts Ive run up, and still you bow your heads when you say my name.

No wonder so many of you are praying for the Rapture its your only way out of the hellhole Ive created for generations to come.

Man, oh man. Ive met some suckers in my time, but you jerks who are still looking up to me like your great messiah are giving me the big time hooboo-jeebies.

As for that roast pig I was on and on about while my little Roadmap to Peace thingy got turned on its ass, Im bringing the leftovers back to the ranch. It wont look like much after its been setting in the Texas heat for a while.

But for those few of you left who still think Im something to write home about, come on down. Ill just slap some lipstick on the damned thing, and Im sure yall will eat it up just like you been doing all these years.

Your Great Leader (heh heh),
W
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brokensymmetry Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 10:15 PM
Response to Original message
1. K&R n/t
.
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vickitulsa Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 10:16 PM
Response to Original message
2. Thanks, Nance, I needed that laugh!
:rofl: :applause: :rofl:

What a talented GEM you are! :hug: :toast:


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racaulk Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 10:17 PM
Response to Original message
3. Grade A post as usual, Nance!
Thank you for posting this! K&R!!!

:applause:
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RagAss Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 10:19 PM
Response to Original message
4. Brilliant !!!!!. Bravo....Bravisimo. .Bravo !!!!!!
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babylonsister Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 10:42 PM
Response to Original message
5. Damn! I RECOMMEND everyone send out dumbya's
words of wysdom, crediting Ms. Greggs yet again with some fine writin'!

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Gregorian Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-16-06 11:11 PM
Response to Original message
6. It's funny because it's true.
Heh heh.

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Lindacooks Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 01:40 AM
Response to Original message
7. You know, if you aren't a syndicated columnist, you should be.
You are one of the best writers I have ever read.
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argyl Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 04:01 AM
Response to Reply #7
8. I agree. I think Nance is a ringer. Is that you,Molly? Seriously, she
is consistently just brilliant.

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liberal N proud Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 06:27 AM
Response to Reply #7
10. great piece
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PurpleChez Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 10:56 AM
Response to Reply #7
17. I agree too. Every Nance Rants column
deserves to be read, re-read, and shared. Political messages nicely encapsulated, and the humor never becomes smarmy or condescending.
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dipsydoodle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 04:06 AM
Response to Original message
9. I am in awe
and applaud you :applause:
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PADemD Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 06:28 AM
Response to Original message
11. Nance
When are you going to publish?
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The Wizard Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 06:54 AM
Response to Original message
12. OK Nance
This would be believable but for the complete sentences, and I found only one grammatical error. No made up words like "decider" is also indicative of someone without thought disorders. But who's to know? Maybe the public personna is an act. Somehow I have doubts that someone could be so consistantly stupid and not slip up once with a lucid thought, punctuation and all. Now I don't know why, but whenever I hear W speak I have a vision of Charles Manson's prison interview with Geraldo Rivera several years ago.
Something like "You have not turched mah inner circle." keeps popping up into my head. Maybe we should take a closer look at W's forehead.
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pokercat999 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 06:55 AM
Response to Original message
13. Just the facts, the fact is
that for about 30% of our population Bush is GOD. If we could all acknowledge that God was created by man (if you can't stop reading here) and as such we can designate anyone or any thing as God. Unfortunately everything in the story is true.
I keep asking myself, "When will this nightmare end?" I'm afraid the answer won't be Jan 20th 2009 as McCain or some other repug criminal will steal the "election" yet again. My prediction is it will end only after the much bigger nightmare to come. That is after a group of progressives find their feet and revolt against the system, 1776 all over again. Trouble is we have to get to a point where things are so bad we have nothing left to lose (real freedom). The RW so far has made the most "progress" offshore. But trust me on this, it's coming our way. The toucher, secret prisons, disappearances etc are on the way. So it's going to get a lot worse before the nightmare turns into night terrors.
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patricia92243 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 08:34 AM
Response to Original message
14. The sad part is that it is too true. n/t
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Gato Moteado Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 09:05 AM
Response to Original message
15. excellent!
nice work.
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Gemini Cat Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 09:26 AM
Response to Original message
16. Brilliant!
You nailed it.

:kick:
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ejbr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 12:09 PM
Response to Original message
18. How can anyone take you seriously?
"You're just a Bush hater!" Sorry, couldn't resist. Yes, you dumb f@ckers, we are Bush haters!! As if hating him came before his selfishness and incompetence!! Thanks for the astute satire Nance!

:dem:
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ManWroteTheBible Donating Member (68 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 03:14 PM
Response to Original message
19. Geez! Nance....
You friggin' rock!
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mnhtnbb Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Mon Jul-17-06 05:06 PM
Response to Original message
20. Well said, Nance!
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