White House Ethics Program
(Course Outline for WH Staffers)
Satire - By Nancy Greggs
“INTRODUCTION TO ETHICS” <7:15 – 10:15 a.m.>
This three-hour introductory class will attempt to outline the importance of ethics, and how they play a role in our government. The unusual length of this class is necessary due to the fact that many of you will be hearing about this concept for the first time.
“THE PAPER SHREDDER & YOU” <10:30 – 11:30 a.m.>
Those of you who have worked here for any length of time already understand the importance of this piece of office equipment. This class will teach you how to make necessary repairs on a timely basis in the event of an emergency, (i.e. Patrick Fitzgerald’s car has been spotted in the parking lot).
You will also learn the mechanics of the ‘fire-brigade’ system, whereby entire filing cabinets of material can be passed from employee to employee to the shredder, as well as the methodology of pushing multiple stacks of paper through the machine at one time.
Hands-on demonstration by Mr. Kenneth Lay.
“IS IT MORE IMPORTANT TO BE ETHICAL, OR TO LOOK ETHICAL?” <11:45 a.m. – 12:30 p.m.>
This age-old dilemma will be tackled by experts Condolezza Rice (SoS) and Michael Brown (FEMA), as they outline the dos-and-don’ts of public appearances in times of national crisis.
“Is it ethical to allow people to die while you shop for shoes? What about other leather goods?”
“What is the ethical time allotment for dinner when people under your care are starving – and is a jacket and tie required?”
These and other thought-provoking questions will be addressed by Ms. Rice and Mr. Brown in a question-and-answer period that is guaranteed to be lively and informative.
(Bonus points for EVERY attendee who remembers to ‘roll up their sleeves’ for the class photo!)
“MASTERING THE ‘DELETE’ BUTTON” <12:45 – 1:30 p.m.>
Nothing makes you, or your employers, look more unethical than a less-than-complimentary e-mail about your constituents.
Michael “Those Christian Whackos” Scanlon shares his vast expertise on the topic – and hey, who says education can’t be FUN? Stick around for our Hit-The-Delete-Button contest at the end of class, where speed and accuracy will be tested in a real-time setting. (Door prizes! Trophies! Wagering encouraged!)
“ETHICS IN WAR TIME” <1:35.3 – 1:35.4 p.m.>
Alberto Gonzales presents a very brief speech, entitled “Torture – Loss of Our Humanity as Americans or Frat-Boy Shenanigans?”, in which he will define all of the various circumstances in which the use of torture is totally off limits. (Note length of class time – please be punctual).
This class will be followed by a light luncheon straight from the Guantanamo Bay menu, and includes Freedom Fries, two types of fruit, and roast pork slivers served on pages of the Qu’uran.
“THE LEAD-UP TO WAR” <2:30 – 3:15 p.m.>
This course outlines the ethical use of intelligence – real and imagined – that precedes a President’s most crucial decision.
“THE VOCABULARY OF ETHICS” <3:20 – 3:55 p.m.>
As our own in-house expert in the field, Scott McClellan, will tell you, “Ethics is not what you DO, it’s what you SAY you do.”
Learn how to deal with probing questions from the press, how to divert attention from an explosive topic, and how to say ‘we can’t comment on an ongoing investigation’ dozens of times, without losing your well-practiced sincerity and indignation.
(Class starts at 3:20 p.m. sharp – but early birds will be treated to a fifteen-minute pre-class video presented by Jeff Gannon!)
“THE SUPERNATURAL SIDE OF ETHICS” <4:00 – 4:30 p.m.>
We’ve been fortunate enough to snag Senator Bill Frist for a demonstration that is sure to enlighten and bedazzle! The good senator (and board-certified physician) will show you how to tele-diagnose patients and ‘see’ into a blind trust all in one, easy-to-follow lesson.
This class will explore the fine line between unethical behavior and psychic gift!
“KEEPIN’ IT CLEAN” <4:40 – 5:40 p.m.>
Of course, no discussion on ethics would be complete without a lesson on the practicalities of ‘ethical money movement’ hosted by Tom ‘The Hammer’ DeLay!
Long recognized as the country’s foremost expert on the subject, Mr. DeLay will take you, step-by-step, through the intricacies of laundering campaign funds. Why be accused of being unethical when you can wash those cares right down the drain with squeaky-clean cash?
Time permitting, Mr. DeLay will also be speaking on the unethical behavior of Democratic judges in Texas.
(Sign up early, because this one is bound to be an SRO event!)
“EQUITY & TRANSPARENCY - AWARDING GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS”
A private session moderated by Vice President Richard Cheney, to be held in an undisclosed location. (By invitation only. No press, no photographers. Minutes of this meeting have already been pre-classified.)
“ETHICS, SHMETHICS” <6:00 – 6:50 p.m.>
An irreverently humorous look at the ‘he said/she said’ side of National Security! Hosted by FORMER Hill insider I. ‘Scooter’ Libby and FORMER New York Times reporter Judith Miller.
(Ms. Miller’s appearance is subject to her being able to ‘remember’ that she is a scheduled participant. However, Bob Woodward, FORMER respected journalist, has graciously agreed to step in for Ms. Miller, should she fail to attend).
Dinner <7:00 – 7:45 p.m.>
Reverend Pat ‘Patwa’ Robertson will say Grace, followed by calling upon God to wreak havoc, pestilence and death on a major US city (exact city to be announced – Suggestion Box still located on main floor).
Dinner will be followed by a passing of the collection plate (please, no coins – credit cards gratefully accepted. For tax reasons, please make checks payable to Reverend Robertson personally.)
“CHRISTIAN ETHICS” <7:50 – 8:15 p.m.>
Our own good-will ambassador, Karen Hughes, will lead us through the tricky process of keeping your Christian compassion while fraternizing with filthy, godless, Christ-denying heathens on their native soil.
“THE ETHICAL ELECTION” <8:15 – 8:17 p.m.>
A frank and open forum moderated by a panel of experts in the field, including Katherine Harris (FLA), Kenneth Blackwell (OH), Eric C. Evans (former CEO, Diebold Systems Inc.) and John O’Neil (Swiftboat Veterans for Truth).
(Notice to Attendees: Due to time constraints, the panel will unfortunately not be able to answer all of your many questions. However, queries on this topic can be submitted on the touch-screen machines provided at the back of the room).
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