Of masculine & feminine themes, abusive spouse syndrome, and Ds&Rs

[Skidmore]

I recently read an article in passing somewhere this past week (sorry, don't have a link or anything right now but will try to find that item again) about how the current politicals struggle between the parties are tending to break down over father and mother issues, with the Rs asserting the traditional patriarchal role and the Ds reflecting the concerns of women. In some ways, it makes sense. The article also talked about the dyfunctional state of governance now and how the Rs have also assumed the role of an abusive spouse by using many of the techniques an abusive husband uses to cower and control his spouse. Having escaped an abusive spouse once myself, I see the situational parallels made by this argument. I guess the question this leaves me with is how can the Dem leaders learn to shake the "battered spouse syndrome" they appear to be comfortable with? In my situation, I had to escape and "uncouple" before I could move forward. Uncoupling was difficult because I had to learn to make decisions without factoring my ex-husband into the decisionmaking process. How do the Dems uncouple? What makes this question so complicated, in my mind, is that the institution of marriage had to be trashed during the process of uncoupling for me to survive. It was the only alternative How can we preserve the constitution and still have an uncoupling? What are the institutions, excluding the constitution, which can afford to be trashed to preserve the nation and the rights and freedoms it guarantees without a "War of the Roses"?

This whole post may seem naive to some of you, but the article resonated with me and I began to wonder about what steps would need to be taken for a successful uncoupling of the parties. They may be adversarial but sometimes cover for each other's dysfunctionality.

Anyway, observations, comments welcomed.

[rfranklin]

1. You're right about the archetypes in play...

That's why it is impossible to reason with the Republicans. As Lakoff has pointed out, to understand the "conservatives" you have to look at the James Dobson philosophy to understand where they are coming from. Children (the populace)are evil and must be disciplined through corporal punishment for their own good. This puts a "moral" patina on the rage that the right wing has and their need to enforce compliance through abuse, both psychological and physical.

[Skidmore]

2. Thanks for a reference point.

I must have been reading some excerpt or reference to something from Lakoff's book--I have to buy it yet. Anyway, I'm having trouble right now imagining any scenarios for uncoupling which in the describing don't sound like civil war.

[marions ghost]

3. Another article on this topic:

http://www.speakout.org.za/events/news/news_the_polotics_of_victimisation_nov7th04.htm

The Politics of Victimization, 7 November 2004, Mel Gilles on Matthew Gross blog

Mel Gilles, who has worked for many years as an advocate for victims of domestic abuse, draws some parallels between her work and the reaction of many Democrats to the election.-- Matthew Gross

"Watch Dan Rather apologize for not getting his facts straight, humiliated before the eyes of America, voluntarily undermining his credibility and career of over thirty years. Observe Donna Brazille squirm as she is ridiculed by Bay Buchanan, and pronounced irrelevant and nearly non-existent. Listen as Donna and Nancy Pelosi and Senator Charles Schumer take to the airwaves saying that they have to go back to the drawing board and learn from their mistakes and try to be better, more likable, more appealing, have a stronger message, speak to morality. Watch them awkwardly quote the bible, trying to speak the new language of America. Surf the blogs, and read the comments of dismayed, discombobulated, confused individuals trying to figure out what they did wrong. Hear the cacophony of voices, crying out, “Why did they beat me?” And then ask anyone who has ever worked in a domestic violence shelter if they have heard this before.
They will tell you, every single day.

(snip)

Listen to George Bush say that the will of God excuses his behavior. Listen, as he refuses to take responsibility, or express remorse, or even once, admit a mistake. Watch him strut, and tell us that he will only work with those who agree with him, and that each of us is only allowed one question (soon, it will be none at all; abusers hit hard when questioned; the press corps can tell you that). See him surround himself with only those who pledge oaths of allegiance. Hear him tell us that if we will only listen and do as he says and agree with his every utterance, all will go well for us (it won’t; we will never be worthy).

(snip)

How to break free? Again, the answer is quite simple.
First, you must admit you are a victim. Then, you must declare the state of affairs unacceptable. Next, you must promise to protect yourself and everyone around you that is being victimized. You don’t do this by responding to their demands, or becoming more like them, or engaging in logical conversation, or trying to persuade them that you are right. You also don’t do this by going catatonic and resigned, by closing up your ears and eyes and covering your head and submitting to the blows, figuring its over faster and hurts less is you don’t resist and fight back. Instead, you walk away. You find other folks like yourself, 56 million of them, who are hurting, broken, and beating themselves up. You tell them what you’ve learned, and that you aren’t going to take it anymore. You stand tall, with 56 million people at your side and behind you, and you look right into the eyes of the abuser and you tell him to go to hell. Then you walk out the door, taking the kids and gays and minorities with you, and you start a new life. The new life is hard. But it’s better than the abuse.

(snip)

"Any battered woman in America, any oppressed person around the globe who has defied her oppressor will tell you this: There is nothing wrong with you. You are in good company. You are safe. You are not alone. You are strong. You must change only one thing: stop responding to the abuser. Don’t let him dictate the terms or frame the debate (he’ll win, not because he’s right, but because force works). Sure, we can build a better grassroots campaign, cultivate and raise up better leaders, reform the election system to make it failproof, stick to our message, learn from the strategy of the other side. But we absolutely must dispense with the notion that we are weak, godless, cowardly, disorganized, crazy, too liberal, naive, amoral, “loose”, irrelevant, outmoded, stupid and soon to be extinct. We have the mandate of the world to back us, and the legacy of oppressed people throughout history." (more)

[CoffeeCat]

4. In my opinion, Howard Dean is the only way out of this...

I agree that Republicans employ abuse dynamics to get their way.

Not only do they use power/controlling/manipulation tactics they way a sociopath does--they beat down the Dems as if we are in the victim role.

The victim is responsible for being in that role. They must extricate themselves from the victim role. The only way to do that is to set your own course, and take back your power.

The Democrats must refuse to be controlled by Republican abusers. They must REFUSE TO LET THE ABUSERS SET THE AGENDA. If we keep reacting to the Republicans--we allow them to ensnare us into the abuse dynamics--keeping us weak, victimized and allowing them to set the agenda.

Howard Dean is one of the only Dems who calls a spade a spade. He stands up and shines the spotlight on these Republican abusers. Typical of abusers--when a victim stands up--the abuser will attempt to beat them into silence by attacking. That's what the Reps are doing to Dean. Look at Cheney's abusive comments. Other Republicans are going ballistic--because Dean is helping Dems step out of the abuse role.

I love it that Dean continued with his fiery rhetoric. He's not allowing the Dems to be controlled by abusers. He's speaking his mind and moving forward--despite high drama from the sociopaths.

[marions ghost]

5. well said TwoSparkles

you nailed it about Dean--he is speaking out and being attacked, not only by the Right but by those on the Left who believe you get further by playing along with thieves and bullies (often they do not realize the intractability of what they are dealing with).

The situation is so bad that SOMEBODY needs to give the Dems PERMISSION to fight back. I think that Dr.Dean sees the pathology of what's going on, and is administering the truth serum. Right, there will be a lot of blustering and poor-little-me on the part of the abusers. Ignore that and don't let it grab us by any of those compassionate Liberal heartstrings we are supposed to have. They have USED our good nature to their great advantage and now EXPECT us to be docile.

THIS IS the hump we must get over--realize that there is no other way to go but get the nerve to stand up to them. And we will need to put our best fighters out in front. We're getting a picture of who they are, in various fields and positions. This is a time for drawing a line in the sand. It parallels the same work in personal relationships as the OP points out.