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How's my writeing? Training Room By 7th_Sephiroth

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7th_Sephiroth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 12:08 AM
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How's my writeing? Training Room By 7th_Sephiroth
The wind blows over some grassy hills on a partly cloudy day, a low rumble heard in the distance. A single man in deep green metallic Samurai armor with a large backpack/jetpack stands, fiddleing with controls on his armor, wich links to a display panel in his mask. In a matter of seconds the rumble is explained, Combat droids, with long scrawny grey steel legs with 3 jointed toes, two in the front and one in the back connected to a large torso triangular shaped with a shiny finish, a red slot for visual sensors, and arms fashoned in the same style as thier legs, holding a large blaster in the left hand and a sword-handle in the right.

The display in the samurai's mask says 10,000 droids, neatly spaced over a large area, he works the keypad and a display of possible fireing patterns shows up in his display. *he moves the arm with the controll panel away and an armor plate covers over it, and he grabs two sword handles at his side. He pushes a switch on them and red blades of plasma come from the handles, he pushes the switch a little further and they extend to 10 feet each.

At this time the Combat Droids approaching have noticed him and has taken 3 fire lines while the rest draw similar plasma swords. The samurai takes a running leap and activates his jetpack, sppeding straight into the center mass if the droids at full speed, reading his enlongated swords for combat. The 3 droid fire lines open fire in a recognizeable pattern, as his combat display predicted. Dodgeing through the unchangeing plasma blasts he brings the ends of his two swords together like wings and plows through the fire line and through several rows of droids. The remnants of the fire lin stand up and ready thier plasma swords as the droids turn twards thier samurai adversary.

The samurai comes to his feet in the center of the droid army and brings his massive swords to position, blocking countering and destroying the droids around him. As the well-skilled samurai, thrashes through the sea of droids with thier plasma swords drawn, A room with several controls and a large glass window overlooking the battlefield is being watched by two female creatures,Mostly human with large feline ears, nose features and tails watch. The two of them look like an odd pair, the first one, a short, peti in a silver dress with red hair, the second easily 6 feet 2 inches, with long silverish blonde hair and wearing a heavy coat with jeans, work boots a white shirt, and red and black tie.
"Wow, the boss looks pissed, how manny droids are down there?" asked one catgirl. "he started at 10,000 but there are only 2,318 remaining." Replied the second. "wow the boss is really good, i'd sure hate to be on his bad side." the first said. "look, Meryl, said the second, were fighting a war, and that man down there is our only hope" the second said, kind of dreamily, Meryl picked up on the dreamyness on her partner, millie's voice and said "Do you really think you have a shot with him? he's allways so dark and silent, lets just watch."

Back on the battlefield, the samurai finishes with the droids, leaving a massive pile of scrap metal in the middle of this serene scene, wich fades to a white room with a purple "checker pattern" if stripes running through it, with a big glass window 20 feet above.
"Good Job Mr. Long," Millie's voice booms though the loudspeaker, with her soft, but firm voice, wich sounds funny coming from such a large woman. The samurai removes his mask and helmet, revealing long flowing silver hair drenched in sweat and covering his deep green eyes.

He looks up at the controll room window, and in a loud powerfull voice he says "Thank you millie, the computer system you designed works great." "i'm so glad, i stayed up all night makeing it special for you." replied millie in an excited voice, annoying her partner Meryl, who groaned. "i want to see you in my chambers later tonight, Millie to discuss some things with you about the suit and the swords." said the samurai. Millie, blushing replied"Y-your quarters, sir?" "yes." replied the samurai, walking twards the door. "i want to speak with you in private, oh, and Meryl, you need to defrag your system, i noticed some slowing down with the program at times." "yes sir." replied Meryl as the samurai left the training toom.

The End
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7th_Sephiroth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 12:42 AM
Response to Original message
1. please tell me
is it good? bad? would you like to see it on TV?
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7th_Sephiroth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 02:29 PM
Response to Original message
2. kick
its good
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KinkyDem Donating Member (748 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 02:39 PM
Response to Original message
3. Here, I'll throw you a bone.
This needs WORK! It needs words, mostly descriptive words to fill it out.

There is, as it stands no story. It goes nowhere. If that is what your going for, just a snippet of some future soldier and his admiring girls, then fine ... but ...

Flesh this out. Try not to over explain things. If you were wrinting about a car today, would you explain the steering wheel or simply mention the driver grabbed it? You might describe the steering wheel, but you wouldn't explain it's function, re heads-up display in visor.

WHY is this person fighting robots?
WHY do the girls care?
WHO is this guy?
Why is he a Samurai?

It's a good start but still needs work.

Post more if you have it.
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7th_Sephiroth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 02:49 PM
Response to Reply #3
4. ok let me put this into some context
Edited on Wed Apr-07-04 02:57 PM by 7th_Sephiroth
the story is set some thousand years in the future, where nano-machine implantation is nearing becoming way of life. The main charater "Legato Swiftblade" hates technoligy. One day he is kidnapped by the company that pretty mych runs everything, and is used for tests to create a new super soldier. Here comes into play the race of catlike people, they see what the evil company is trying to do (universal domination, through mind controll nanomachines) and have been secretly working on a nanomachine system to create thier own supersoldier, Legato. As stated before Legato hates technoligy like nano machines, and it kind of splits his mind in half, hateing himself because of whats inside him, but finding the energy to fight.
The samurai armor is a power-suit itself and basically enhances his allready enhanced abilities. And the robots were just a training/work-out program, they were holograms, i think i worked why why out pretty nicely on that.

thats it in a nutshell, i want to make it into a TV series or a book

i chose this part cause it does a decent part stand alone, it reflects my writeing style, and i'd like some feed back.

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KinkyDem Donating Member (748 posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 03:03 PM
Response to Reply #4
5. It's a start
for battle armor, read (DO NOT SEE THE MOVIE) Starship Troopers. Especialy the bits about the fighting in the suit.

One other thing I will add, find an editor. I'm not saying that to be overly critical (I can't spell for shit and my grammar is pretty bad) just as a suggestion. Go ahead and pound out whatever comes and clean it up later, but get help with editing.

Post more. DO you have a chapter II yet?
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7th_Sephiroth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 03:08 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. i have read starship troopers, i have a first edition paperback
that was part of chapter 6 "Growth" i have a few chapters written "#1 In the beginning..." "#2 Abduction" "#3 Liberation" "#4 Rejection" "#5 acception" "#6 Growth" and "#7 And...into the blackness" i'm doing it book style, while leaving in elements for a televisin script
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bhunt70 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 03:09 PM
Response to Original message
7. Its a start
I agree with everything KinkyDem said.

If you are shooting for a tv treatment or send to a publisher then you need to make it concise and yet descriptive, you also have to catch their attention. Long descriptive sentences are good in prose but you need to grab the reader or watcher early on. Instead of spending time describing the main character and his up front, give description dispersed through his actions. You don't have to fully disclose the character all up front.

Keep up the good work.
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7th_Sephiroth Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Wed Apr-07-04 03:11 PM
Response to Reply #7
8. thanks
this is kind of modified tho to make it into a short story
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