So sad when love starts to die.

[amitten]

Especially when you're the one still in love.

[crim son]

1. You can always hang in there.

Eventually you won't be quite so in love. I speak from rather bitter experience. :hug:

[amitten]

2. Don't know if I'll have the chance.

I can feel him growing more and more distant. He used to adore me. I don't know what to do.

[debbierlus]

3. Focus on taking care of yourself and empowering yourself

Talk to him and tell him to be honest about what is going on. Keep your self respect at all times and respect what he says, even if you don't like it. If it is a good relationship, and he is not abusive, then consider couple's therapy. If it is an abusive relationship, get therapy for yourself.

Don't look to him to validate you.

Don't chase, take care of yourself.

[amitten]

5. I feel I've lost any empowerment.

We had a fight a few weeks ago and I laid all my cards on the table. I told him how much I cared and how devastated I'd be if things ended.

Ever since, he has grown distant. He has even stopped saying "I love you", which he used to do every couple of days or so.

I won't chase him. But I wish he still loved me.

[debbierlus]

8. Your empowerment isn't based on him - that is why it is empowerment

So, you told him you were hurt and vulnerable and he responded by retreating.

As hard as it may be, the very best thing you can do is set limits with yourself and him. It is obviously painful for you to have him distant and withdrawn. Tell him that you respect his need for distance and that it is too painful to be with him while he is retreating from the relationship. And, then act.

Don't wait around and let him dictate how this goes on.

It really is the only way. One of two things will happen.

One, if he still does love you and cares about the relationship, he will knock the shit off and work on the relationship with you.

Or, two. He will leave the relationship.

You win either way. If he does love you, he will have to come to the table to work on the relationship and not have the ability to control you through withholding of affection and the power to leave or to stay. If he doesn't love you, then it will free you to find someone who will.

This stuff is horribly painful and I don't say it lightly. I just know as a woman who has been around the block a few too many times, the only way to deal with these situations is to refuse to be held hostage by your emotions. I know...much easier said then done. But, I can tell you from personal experience, taking charge of the situation (not out of manipulation) to take care of yourself and refusing to let your emotional state be dictated by him is essential.

Good luck. We have all been there.

[Skittles]

12. good advice, debbierlus

:thumbsup:

[crim son]

4. I agree with the poster above.

If you think you have no choice, the smartest and bravest thing to do is reclaim yourself and do it boldly. Sometimes we lose ourselves to our man, to a degree. Coming back to the person we were may not bring him back but it will give you a safe and stable place from which to move on if it becomes necessary.

I really do know, amitten, and am once again juggling with the fears myself. :hug: :hug: It's possible you can't do anything but no matter what, don't do something demeaning.

Sorry for what you're going through.

[amitten]

6. I would never demean myself.

My only crime has been to show all my true feelings. I thought adults could do that. I guess I was wrong.

[crim son]

7. You weren't wrong.

I think most of us can but sometimes we choose not to. Sometimes feelings change. Whatever the case you will feel better down the line for being honest.

[bluhoodie]

9. Showing feelings

I just ran across this quote a couple of days ago and wrote it down. Maybe it was meant for you...

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."
~ Benjamin Disraeli ~

There's also the saying that "There's nothing wrong with having feelings; it's what you do with them."

[Skittles]

13. yes

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO FEEL!!

[MoralSyncretism]

10. Moving forward

I just read an email in which the writer offered up some quotes. Maybe these will inspire you -- IF you find you have to move on.

=========================

Having had to move on a few times (fact of life for all of us), here a few quotes that might motivate or maybe amuse you depending on where you are in the process:

"Moving on, is a simple thing, what it leaves behind is hard." - Dave Mustaine

"Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along." - Anon

"There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other."
- Francois, Duc de La Rouchefoucald

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark." - Woody Allen

"Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing." - Anthony Robbins

"Any time there's a major change, whether it's going into a relationship, getting out of a relationship, moving to a new city, a death -- that usually provides a catalyst for an explosion of creativity." - Lucinda Williams

A new day dawns today! Explode with creativity!    :)

[KG]

11. it fuckin' hurts like hell.

[Danger Mouse]

14. It's like having your heart ripped out, stepped on, spit on...

and all you can do is dust it off and put it back and hope it all gets better soon. :hug:

[Deja Q]

15. Been there, done that.

You will overcome.



(but don't end up as dispassionate as someone like me :) )

[Tuesday Afternoon]

16. comforting, peaceful and healing vibes for you --

amitten ----> :hug:

[havocmom]

17. Found a book called Uncoupling years ago when already on the road to healing

Wish someone had shown it to me about two years earlier than that. It would have helped me avoid some pitfalls, not hope for a miracle, not beat myself up too much, and get better fast.

Don't get lost hoping for a miracle, falling into bad emotional habits, don't beat yourself up too much, and DO get better fast.

Strength and humor to see you through,
havocmom, holding a light to show you there is a way out of the dark tunnel :hug: