Irish joke thread!

[Archae]

Just found this one at another message board, so in honor of St Patrick's Day, here's the first Irish joke.

In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn’s men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than huns, these warriors were known as Kahn’s men, or simply, Kahns. When they had conquered all the way to the water’s edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea. By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn’t much left of them. Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried. Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue. And that’s how the story of the little people got started in Ireland, by the leper Kahn’s and their pots of gold.

[ewagner]

1. Surely

You have personally kissed the blarney stone!

[Insider]

2. what's irish and stays outside?

patio furniture

[mac56]

3. Two old Irish gentlemen are drinking a pint at the pub

and gazing out the window at the brothel across the street.

Up drives a big car. A Protestant minister emerges and walks in the door of the brothel. One of the Irish gentlemen gives out with a sigh and says, "Sure, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth fall along the wayside."

Up drives another big car. A rabbi emerges and walks in the door of the brothel. The other Irish gentleman gives out with a sigh and says, "Sure, 'tis a shame to see a leader of the chosen people fall to temptation."

Up drives a third big car. A priest emerges and walks in the door of the brothel. The first Irish gentleman shakes his head and sighs, "'Tis a shame."

"Aye," replies the other. "One of the girls must be quite sick."

[Deja Q]

4. Changed

I've never understood the "logic" of ethnic jokes...

St Patrick's day had nothing to with drinking beer, whether it be green or any other color!

If anybody wants to read the 'joke' in question, which is utterly outrageous and even with 50 disclaimers I'm not comfortable with it, PM me.

[1monster]

5. Three for the price o' one

An Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman....
...walk into a bar and all order a pint of Guiniess
.
The Englishman notices a fly in his head and pushes the sweet brown nectar away in disgust.

The Scotsman also sees a fly in his head, pulls the fly out and commences drinking.

The Irishman sees the fly in his head, grabs the fly by the wings and screams "Spit it out ya bastard!"
+++++++++++++~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~++++++++++++++++~~~~~~~~


The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop .

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
++++++++ ~~~~~~~~ ++++++++ ~~~~~~~~ ++++++++

A man comes into a pub in Ireland, walks up to the bar, and orders three pints.

"You'll want them one at a time, or they'll go flat."

"No," says the man, "Three pints. All at once."

So the bartender pulls three pints and gives them to the man, who sits at a table and drinks a sip from each one at a time. He finishes the three, pays, and leaves.

This gets to be a routine, always the same. Whenever the man comes in, he always orders three pints. The bartender always tells him that one at a time would be better, and the man always declines.

Finally, his curiosity getting the best of him, the bartender asks: "Why do you want three pints all at once like that?"

The man replies: "I'm one of three brothers. I've one in New York, and one in Boston. We all just moved apart and we all said that to keep from forgetting each other, we'd always drink a pint for ourselves, and one each for our two brothers."

The bartender is then satisfied. Whenever the man came in, three pints would be drawn up for him without question.

This continued until one day, when the man walked in and stopped the bartender. "Only two pints today," he said.

A hush fell over the pub as all the patrons in the know came to the same inevitable conclusion. The bartender delivered the two pints with a somber expression. "We're all very sorry for your loss," he
said.

"What loss?" says the man. "No, no loss; I've just quit drinking, is all."

[roguevalley]

6. that last one is hilarious. Irish humor is subtle. Take this one:

A priest visits a couple in the country early in the century. He shakes his umbrella and puts it by the door open to dry. The couple who have never seen one are mesmerized. They chat and the priest leaves, forgetting his umbrella. They stare at it, uncertain what
to do.

For a week it sits there and the priest visits again, smiling when
he leaves as he collects his umbrella. He shutters it down and turns, tipping his cap and leaves. They watch him go and then the husband
turns to his wife with a reverent voice: "They have the knack, you
know." She nods in agreement.

:)

This is true: I asked directions of a man standing in the sun in
front of his house to Bantry Bay. He went on and on and said, "You
then come to a fark (fork) in the road." He paused and looked down
at me with a grin: "You know what a fark is don't ya?"

I nearly died laughing.