12 year old daughter got in trouble for kicking another girl in the face today

[cherish44]

Just so you know this is totally out of character for her. She's never been a violent kid (that I know of). She's an only child so she doesn't even have siblings to fight with. Anyway my daughter claims it was self-defense. This girl was attacking her, she was trying to get her off of her. Anyway I wasn't there, I don't know what happened. Both girls got punished for the fight. I'm torn as to how to handle this. When I was a teacher I had to deal with kid fights all the time and unless you actually see the fight or have reliable witnesses, it's always one kid's word against the other's and NEVER IN THE HISTORY IN THE UNIVERSE has any kid ever owned up to being at fault for any altercation. Anyway I don't want her to be violent but on the other hand I want her to defend herself. I told her she needs to avoid this girl at all costs. (She's a bully) to write down anything this girl says or does that might be threatening or "stalking" behavior and get witnesses to back her up at all times. I do worry about this other girl, she seems to have some very anti-social tendencies and is pretty much an outcast at this school. I'm wondering if I need to talk the school's administration about this. Normally I'm all for letting kids work out their problems on their own but when it involves violence I think it should be addressed by adults. A lot of the input I've gotten is "Oh kids get in fights at school every minute of every day and you need to just let it go." I guess I can't relate, I was never a "scrapper". I've never been hit by another person and I've naver hit another person...maybe I'm out of touch with reality. I can't sleep, this bugs me. Oh and I'm a single mom, her dad would most likely blame me for her problems (Yes it's 100% my fault when our daughter screws up always has been) so I'd rather not involve him because his input would not be constructive.

[mwooldri]

1. Oh boy :( Sorry to hear of this.

Definitely need to speak with the school about this. Get the concerns voiced and out into the open. If this other girl is a known bully then what's the school and her parents doing about it?

[Inchworm]

2. Dude

I love you and all and also have dealt with daughter fights...

but I hath drank too much to fight through the text wall.

I'm evil I know. . .

:beer:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

3. Go with your gut...

Don't lose sleep over it. If you believe this is out of character for your daughter, trust that you know her. She's dealing with a bully, so be supportive. It sounds as if you've already given her sound advice...you certainly can't expect her to allow people to pummel her, but you need to teach her how to avoid potential fights.

This might sound crazy, but karate lessons might serve your daughter well right now. Good self-defense requires self-discipline, which karate teaches. It'll also help instill self-confidence, which is SO important at her age. :hug:

[mwooldri]

13. 2x on the karate. from personal experience I recommend it.

Worked for me.

[mykpart]

4. I would say wait and see.

Definitely your daughter should avoid this girl. She should make sure one of her friends is with her at all times at school (a witness). Let the school know what you are advising your daughter. BUT if there is another incident, you should take legal action and get a restraining order against this girl. And contact CPS.

[MrSlayer]

5. If she was truly defending herself I can't see punishing her.

I always tell my kids to never starts fights but if someone tries to hurt them to do what they have to do. If the girl she kicked is a bully maybe your daughter just had enough of her shit and gave her what she asked for. She may have already solved the problem by standing up for herself.

[BikeWriter]

6. Get involved! If she is sensitive this could turn her off school....

It happened to me. I've started dozens of scraps in the last thirty years, but as a kid I was shy and introverted. Some of the bullies (boy and girl) react like sharks with blood in the water.

[ACTION BASTARD]

7. Get involved from behind the scenes.

Go to the school & meet the teacher(s)try to find out if the other girl is a "problem child". IMO teachers respond favorably to parents that show they give a damn about their kids. Squeaky wheel and all that.

Bullies are cowardly predators. They don't pick victims that fight back. Your little kitten has shown the bully her own set of nasty claws.

I would support my child to continue to defend herself and follow up by reporting to a teacher immediately after it happens. The last thing bullies do is report to the teacher after they beat somebody down. This way your child makes herself an unattractive target to other bullies once she cleans their clocks.

[aikoaiko]

8. Teach your daughter how do make wrist locks.

Much pain, no (or little) marks, total control and submission.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NitLZwRr5Ok

You have to make sure she understands that you never start fights, but if you have to finish them, then so be it.

[Jamastiene]

9. From what you are saying, it sounds like your daughter really was

just trying to defend herself. If she normally doesn't get into this kind of trouble, maybe a trip to the school to alert the administration to the bully might be in order.

Also, maybe it wouldn't hurt to take your daughter to karate classes or a self defense course. Karate is not all offense. There are many moves that are strictly defensive.

[knowbody0]

10. get her into martial arts

she will know how to defend herself, and most importantly, when to fight.

My daughter thanks me again and again for this.

[applegrove]

11. That is really bad news. Sorry for your daughter.

[Pool Hall Ace]

12. I punched a girl once.

I remember I was in the eighth grade. The girl was a known pain-in-the-ass, but I don't remember what prompted me to punch her in the jaw. A teacher intervened and told me to have a seat. I remember her remarking that it was out of character for me.

It's hard to remember a lot of details, as it took place 35 years ago, but I remember while I was cooling off, one boy came up to me and shook my hand!

I don't even know if my parents were notified or not. They never said anything to me. At some point, I believe it was a few days later, the other girl approached me and we made up.

I never hit anyone again, and I'm 47 years old now.

I'm not sure why I'm relating this anecdote, and I'm not suggesting that you just brush this incident with your daughter off. I like the suggestions offered by the other posters (especially regarding martial arts).