"You're not beautiful. You're pretty. But no, not beautiful."

[MorningGlow]

Poll question: "You're not beautiful. You're pretty. But no, not beautiful."

My first uber-serious, wanted-to-marry-him boyfriend said this when I asked him if he thought I was beautiful. (Yeah, I know--tacky to ask. But I was young and stupid.) This was about 20 years ago, but it popped into my head tonight for some reason. So I figured I'd put it to the Lounge: Admirably honest? or douchebag? :hi:

[bluesbassman]

1. I said "Other".

Sure way to go home to a cold shower. What a doufus.:crazy:

[MorningGlow]

2. And yet I didn't break up with him till about a year later

Like I said, young and stupid. If a BF said that to me today he'd find his ass on the curb in a nanosecond!
:rofl:

[bluesbassman]

9. As well you should.

:)

[LeftyMom]

3. In my experience, people who are in love find each other beautiful/handsome/whatever

Even if you're objectively aware of somebody's flaws or if they're not your normal type or whatever, love does that to you.

So whether he was being honest, a bit of a douche or simply the least tactful person ever to draw breath, his comment should have given you serious reservations about the relationship.

[MorningGlow]

5. Would you believe the dude proposed?

Not till way later--and in response to my trying to break up with him. I turned him down. And broke up with him.

[Jamastiene]

20. That is exactly how I see it too.

Agreed. :thumbsup:

[960]

4. douchebag. maybe honest, but not admirable

[MorningGlow]

8. Definitely.

T - A - C - T. He needed it.
:rofl:

[NJmaverick]

6. Honestly, I am more curious what you wanted

Did you want the truth our a little white lie?

[MorningGlow]

10. Like LeftyMom said above

I wanted to be beautiful in his eyes.

[NJmaverick]

18. I could understand that. Since he didn't, what was your preference?

[LisaL]

15. I don't think someone wants the truth, when they ask whether they

are beautiful. Is like asking, does my butt looks big in this dress?
LOL.

[struggle4progress]

23. My polling suggested 3 out of 4 respondents thought the right answer was "You've lost weight"

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=6278789

[susanna]

25. LOL! n/t

[Chan790]

37. A hard-learned lesson...

my best friend, Sara, used to ask me that nearly-daily when we worked together...so one day, because I'm annoyed by this, we're walking in the park on lunch break and she asked so I slowed down, said "I didn't notice...I'll have to check." and did check.

Oh man...the look I got from her. :scared:

It does not matter, do not check, just say "Those pants are fine." They could be 8 sizes too small, held shut with a safety pin and causing a double-dose of ass-cleavage and muffin-top...they're still "fine." (Edit: Clarify: She's never had any of those problems...I was just example-giving.) It's very non-committal. I've noticed that it's a no-win question..."yes" gets you the death-stare, if later she decides they look awful on her and you're a liar, then "no" wasn't a good answer either.

[Shell Beau]

7. I think he could've just said you are pretty. Didn't really have

to say you're not beautiful. But then you may have come back with something about him not using the word beautiful!

:shrug:

[MorningGlow]

11. True--it was a bit of a trap!

:D

[Shell Beau]

13. Haha!! There is only one right answer. And that is yes you are beautiful!

;)

[DeepBlueC]

12. Try to extort compliments...

you have to take what you get.

[Radical Activist]

14. What does that even mean?

Douchebagasaurus It's the kind of thing a guy says to make a young insecure girl try harder to be accepted.

[rcrush]

16. Just out of curiosity what is the right answer to this question?

/shrug

[struggle4progress]

17. Since different words mean different things to different people, I long ago stopped trying

to explain to people exactly what impressions I had about their appearances

There was a young woman in my high school, who I thought was one of the most attractive women I'd ever met -- but conventionally there was nothing exceptionally good-looking about here: my reaction was simultaneously that her appearance was simultaneously beautiful and plain. In college, I wrote a piece of fiction, in which one character was physically modeled after her, and everyone thought the description beautiful and plain made no sense at all -- so I suppose it's just as well I didn't try to compliment her with it

"Honest" reactions are complicated: someone really might think she's gorgeous but unattractive or she has a incredibly sexy lopsided face. But people don't always tell each other such things

Have you considered the possibility that your boyfriend really appreciated your "prettiness" and didn't care at all about your "beauty"? I don't know what the words meant to him -- but he may have meant something different by the words than you did

[FloridaJudy]

19. The French have a term for it

'Belle laide' - literally 'beautiful ugly'. It's used to describe women who aren't conventionally beautiful but are really attractive.

My response would probably have been something like 'you're better than beautiful - you're striking'. Some guys have no class whatsoever.

[struggle4progress]

22. "Striking" is good. I suppose other terms like "breath-taking" would work as well

[cherish44]

46. Sexy works too

My best friend when she was pregnant and all hormonal asked her hubby the "Am I pretty?" thing. His answer..."You're better than pretty, you're sexy as hell!"

[DeepBlueC]

27. I thought it was "jolie laide"

non?

[SoxFan]

21. He was a douchebag for answering. You were a dingbat for asking.

[DeepBlueC]

28. perfect

[TK421]

24. Admirably honest...but put into those words exactly?

There is a way to get the point across, and there is a way to piss someone off. During that time, there could have been a more sensitive way to put that...maybe.

But that is just me

[vixengrl]

26. I think he was, um, "Unnecessarily honest."

Not that I know what you looked like at twenty, but I had a similar conversation when I was twenty, and I know very well what I looked like. (I terrify passersby and enthrall admirers of the "off-beat". Half of one, six dozen of the other. "Striking" in the fashion of having some good features, but altogether not being most peoples' cup of warm sake. I might intoxicate, but in an experimental, acquired-taste sort of way.) I was told I was beautiful--

Right answer. "Pretty" never would have worked. But "beautiful" is subjective and meant he really, really liked me. To be told you were "pretty, but not beautiful" meant he looked at you quantitatively, not qualitatively. And that is really not what any woman is asking for. (Unless she says: "Quantitatively--analyze my features against a standardized notion of beauty and rate me according to popular taste!"--which I just can't see most women do.) "Am I beautiful?" means, "Do *you* think I'm beautiful?"

And if he knows how to avoid a cold evening, he should be able to say "Beautiful. Just beautiful."

[Monk06]

29. That is a douchbag question. Highly manipulative. If he asked you if you thought he had a big dick

how would you answer??????????

[FloridaJudy]

30. There's only one possible answer.

'Freakin' enormous!'

And the other answer is 'No. Those pants don't make your butt look fat'.

Now, how hard is that?

[Monk06]

34. As we used to say in my day, I have a twelve inch dick. I keep six inches in my pants, the rest is

in my head.

[redqueen]

47. Not the same at all. As the poster above you said...

we all see the people we love as beautiful.

[Lucian]

31. I'm a male and I say what a douchebag.

[astral]

32. Well, you kinda had it coming by asking

a true devoted lovey-dovey BF would have insisted you are the most beautiful woman he has ever ben with in his life. So beautiful he can't stand it. And if you're not physically beautiful and you know it (like, ya don' look like Sophia Loren or something like that but who doesn't think Renee Zellweger is beautiful? But she's no Sophia Loren!)

So anyways, the proper reaction for him would be to honestly take 'beautiful' in the holistic context of the word -- the total of the insides and the outsides was a woman he supposedly loved and even wanted to marry (or was gonna marry if that's what it took not to lose you! -- a compliment at least even if it wasn't good enough!)

I would never ask a man if he thought I was beautiful. Because I'm not, I've rarely even met the mark of 'pretty.' But I have had men tell me I am beautiful -- on rare occasions, who were in love with me at the time, but I didn't take that to mean they looked at me and saw Sophia Loren!

It depends on what you want in a guy -- brutal honesty? Some do want that, ya know!

[fortyfeetunder]

33. What a jerk.

And that was a tacky answer...

[Kat45]

35. When I was young & stupid, my boyfriend told me I wasn't pretty!

No shit. I don't even remember why he made the comment at all because I know I didn't ask. He was also my first boyfriend and I was with him for almost 2 years.

[Symarip]

36. At least he didn't say

You're pretty when I'm drunk.

[old mark]

38. Male - Douchebag - too stupid to live.

You deserve much more....


mark

[graywarrior]

39. My Gray told me years ago (1968?) I was a good lookin' broad

He claims it's similar to the compliment Paul Newman gave Joanne Woodward when he referred to her as "last of the goodtime broads."

So, I know I am not beautiful, but a good lookin' broad even to this day according to him even tho he only uses that phrase kiddingly these days because he knows I would rip his head off using that term seriously.

[Name removed]

40. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Demoiselle]

41. Asshole is a more appropriate description for this man.

Good grief! It doesn't matter whether you asked him or not. You were wondering how he felt about you. HONEST? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Those we love are beautiful to us. The only possible excuse for an analytical answer to that question would be if you were considering trying for a modeling career and he was an agent. There's just no excuse for any other answer. Besides, what made him an expert on beauty? And for that matter, what did HE look like?!!!?
(Hmm. Apparently you've pushed my buttons on this one.)

[Strong Atheist]

42. Other. Everyone can be beautiful... trite, but true... nt.

[Mad_Dem_X]

43. I voted Douchebag

Although he was honest, it wouldn't have hurt to tell you that you were beautiful, at least to him.

[Pierre.Suave]

44. total douchebag thing to say

I hope you told him to get lost after he said that.

[cherish44]

45. He should have just said yes

Guys...if your girl asks you if she's pretty, beautiful, better looking than that woman in the corner...etc. The answer should always be HELL YES! I know I'm probably just what you'd call cute but not drop dead gorgeous but my guy tells me I'm beautiful and I don't have to ask a leading question :) A flattering unsolicited comment (as long as it's not laid on too thick BS) can be gratifying people for both genders.

[tigereye]

48. he could have said, " you are beautiful to me"

[Xipe Totec]

49. I'm male, and I say, what an unfucking idiot!

I use the prefix "un" advisedly.

He ain't getting any; not any more, anyway...

[Orsino]

50. Dirtbag. Not the other thing.

If it was honesty, it's admirable. Sounds like has was just a dirtbag, though.