Okay, men - your turn!

[BeachBaby]

(this thread is an extension of a thread I posted earlier)

Two questions:

1. How do you show a woman that you ARE interested in having a relationship with her?

2. How do you show a woman that you ARE NOT interested in having a relationship with her?

Edited to clarify.

[kwassa]

1. I drool.

Not an effective tactic, however.

[Ohio Joe]

2. Simple

Communication. If I am interested, I tell a woman. If I've not told you, I'm not interested.

[BeachBaby]

13. Seems simple enough.

But I'm a believer in "actions speak louder than words". Is that wrong? :shrug:

[Iggo]

17. But telling her outright IS taking action.

[Ohio Joe]

21. Not wrong at all

I view communication as the most vital action one can engage in for a relationship to succeed.

[Iggo]

16. Bam!

[RadiationTherapy]

3. I generate interest in me and then brush them off and sort of 'ignore' them...

that's for the ones I want.

For the ones I don't want, I compliment and talk about myself all the time. I let them know that I have no need for anyone and that I am completely self-dependent and whole. I give them no openings for anything other than flirting.

[BeachBaby]

11. So, what you're saying is.....

it's a game to you?

[RadiationTherapy]

14. YES! Yes it is MORE THAN ANYTHING a game.

I realize hearts are involved and I realize people want mates for life and take that very seriously, but please, single seekers, heed my warning:

If it is not fun it is doomed. That is what 'chemistry' is...fun to hang out with someone. Attraction is easy and relatively binary. That does not mean hurting someone intentionally nor avoiding all intimacy, but have fun. There are so many who want a "serious" relationship so bad that they become incapapble of just having fun! They want to know what everything MEANS and "when they will call" and "why this" and "what about that???" Desperation and seriousness is the ultimate turn off.


Also, eliminate the word "date" from your vocabulary. You only "hang out" or "chill". No one can be 'natural' on a 'date'.

[BeachBaby]

22. Nothing wrong with "fun", love.....

but there's a huge difference between "game-playing" and "fun".

Fwiw, if I got to a point where I felt that some dude was "ignoring" me, or playing "the game", um.....GAME OVER.

Life deals out too much bullshit already - damned if I'm going to be some guy's toy.

[RadiationTherapy]

24. Well, all flirting is manipulation of some kind.

The 'game' part is not seeing how many people you can get to bang you and still be a free bird. The game is the approach. The light-heartedness. The realization that there is no 'one' nothing to 'lose'.

[redqueen]

25. Yep.

Same here.

[RadiationTherapy]

35. I am taking the time because I can't have you thinking I am a 'user'.

I have been the serious one more times than I can say. I have done it "wrong" so many times and have had my heart ripped out so many times. The biggest lessons I can draw from my life experience dating are:

- I took it all WAY too seriously. I learned that most people want to be with people who make them feel light and free and fun.

- I served up my dignity on a silver platter so often that I am ashamed. If it means I have walls and scars on my heart, so be it, but I refuse to relenquish my dignity ever again.

The 'player', 'casual sex' thing is not what I am calling a game. Just the flirting; the early stages. I am not talking about 'points' or 'notches' here.

[redqueen]

36. No no no no...

I wouldn't have thought that... goodness.

I'm just not cut out for having fun I guess. Ah well.

[RadiationTherapy]

37. With THAT sig line!?

I have been faking it so long, it has become real, you know?

You have to force yourself to be light-hearted. You have to force yourself not to care. Just my ideas, anyhow.

I am a quadruple scorpio with a moon in taurus. I have never met ANYONE as intense, serious, and relationship oriented as I am. Still. I had to change. I was too much for people.

[TZ]

38. Interesting. We may actually have more in common than I thought.

One of the reasons I have quit actually trying to date is that I felt I was too much emotionally for many.

[RadiationTherapy]

48. If you think that, then you probably are.

I am a very sensitive, very emotional person. I have been controlling this aspect of my personality for over 10 years. I remember the last person who could drive me to tears by walking into a room; I will never be that driveling, undignified idiot again.

[BeachBaby]

26. Okay......

so you meet this woman who you are interested in. You mention things to her that you believe will have her interested. And then you play this "ignore" game.

So, what happens then, when you never hear from her again? Que sera?

[RadiationTherapy]

33. Wow. That is an oversimplification.

Let's remember that I AM trying to attract this person. Of course I would follow up! That's the whole point is to make them eager for the follow up. It is foreplay and I am surprised how detailed I have to explain this.

The amount of thought, analysis, and deconstruction of this topic is symptomatic of why many people cannot just go out and have fun.

[BeachBaby]

39. It's not so much about thought, analysis.....

and deconstruction, as is it about simply learning about how men and women tick.

Call me crazy, but I am an honest and pretty direct person. I don't play games. Like I said earlier, I can have fun as much as the next person - and I believe that most people would agree that FLIRTING is "foreplay"; but I don't have to play mind games to have fun. For a man to appear to be interested, only to "ignore" her later, isn't "foreplay", hon. It's manipulation.

[redqueen]

40. My sister is all about that 'game'.

How long to wait before calling back, or texting back, what to say or not to say...

I couldn't deal with all that.

[RadiationTherapy]

47. It's ALL manipulation, but I have a pretty loose definition of that word.

Makeup? Manipulation.

Outfit? Manipulation.

Dating web site profile? Manipulation.

"Attracting" someone? Manipulation.

Acting like you don't care if a person is flirting with you resulting in that person trying even harder for your attention? Manipulation.

It's all the same to me. Manipulation. I understand that most affiliate the word (in dating) with people are trying to deceive you somehow in order to have sex with you and that is all, but I find the entire courting process as manipulation.

Anyhow, it is important to treat people with respect no matter what. I find it pretty harmless to be sparse in communicating with someone I am trying to attract. Once the relationship development phase begins, a slow, controlled opening up of vulnerability is in order.

[Withywindle]

59. To some extent, I agree with you, and to some extent, I don't.

If you're not having fun with the other person, if you're not enjoying the playful sexual tension for its own sake, if you can't banter together and just hang out, then why would you want to get "more serious" with them anyway?

On the other hand, I DO like the flirting maybe a little too much - and I have LOTS of male (and a few female) acquaintances I share a little flirty tension with, and for various reasons, we both know it will never go anywhere, and that's OK. I've had friends like this who I've been sparring with for, like, 10 years. On the off chance the other person is serious about seriously wanting seriously more (which I don't assume, because while I know I have charisma, I'm not at all conventionally pretty), s/he's going to have to let me know in a real way. Otherwise, I'll just keep making lewd remarks at you at parties for the rest of our lives and that'll be it, and I'll never know that it possibly could have been more.

[NJmaverick]

4. Having been burned a few times, I am a bit more cautious these days

I will return interest, when there is an indication that the interest might be mutual. Otherwise I am not going to be overly aggressive. I figure that women are just as capable of expressing interest, as men are.

I saw your other thread, and I can understand where Sue is coming from. I can't say it's right, but I more than understand.

[Deja Q]

34. Seconded.

On all counts. It's unfortunate, but inevitable - being cautious as to whom one chooses as a spouse/partner/companion should just be second nature. :(

[BeachBaby]

41. Hey, you.

:hug:

If this whole DU meetup thing works out, I'm gonna try to get Sue here to party with us! She needs more liberal influence, imo. :rofl: :hi:

[Deep13]

5. If I am interested...

...I do nothing because I am already married to her.

If I am NOT interested I mention that I am married.

[TZ]

9. Well thats a help...

;)

[Aristus]

6. Okay, I've been married ten years and I'm a little out of practice. All I have to do to show

my wife I'm interested in her is kiss her. When she gets that little shiver and that *look* in her eyes, I know we're about to get busy... B-)

But to answer your questions:

1. I look her in the eye while she's talking, and talk about the subjects she likes. I'm also very polite to her; hold the door for her, stand up when she walks in the room, etc. I mean, I do that just in general to be polite to everyone, but it tends to get attention from the woman I'm interested in. One would think simply courtesy would be a minimum standard for interpersonal relations, but evidently, there are a lot of well-meaning people out there who just don't know basic manners.

2. This is a little bit more difficult. It was pretty rare before I got married for a woman to be interested in me without the feelings being returned. But I tended to be a little more distant, and not volunteer information about myself. Sometimes the message didn't get across because I would still remember my manners with her, and she might interpret that as interest.

[Forkboy]

7. If I was interested I'd tell them. If not, nothing to tell.

If a woman really wanted a relationship and I didn't I'd just tell the truth that I wasn't interested.

[Deep13]

8. If I'm interested I make chirping noises...

...by rubbing my legs together. If I am not, then I continue to eat grass with my powerful mandibles. Did I mention that I am a grasshopper?

[RadiationTherapy]

10. The differences in the styles of replies on this thread and the other

is demonstrative of some of the most commonly seen differences between most men and most women. I am laughing my ass off over this.

[TZ]

12. I noticed that.

Fat lot of help you guys are...:grr: ;)

[RadiationTherapy]

15. More advice upthread!

[Radical Activist]

19. i'm not seeing the other thread

could you link to it?

[RadiationTherapy]

29. Here it is...

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x8499168

So...many...words!

[Radical Activist]

42. thanks!

[Radical Activist]

18. It's a little simpler for men isn't it?

Since most women expect men to be more aggressive by approaching her first or asking her out for a date.

[HopeHoops]

20. Well, I've been out of the game for 24 years (same woman and still happy), but...

1) Generally speaking, conversation. I was never any good at the one-night-stand deal (like ever), and relationships were my focus anyway. If there's communication capability, there's relationship capability and the "are you interested" issue goes away because by then it is already obvious you are.

2) I had some really vile creatures come on to me, and I'm not using the term lightly. For them it usually required a rather rude "I'm just not fucking interested, okay?" type of reply. As for women/girls where I might have given the impression I was interested (because I communicated with them), usually just being frank (that communication thing) worked fine. That generally avoids hard feelings.

3) You forgot breaking up. Again, honesty and communication seemed to work. I was just contacted through Facebook by a girlfriend I broke up with in 1979 (for another girl) and, since she's still friends with the girl I "dumped" for her, THAT ex-girlfriend contacted me. We've had a lot of fun catching up on what's happened in the last 30 years.

So my short answer to all three is - COMMUNICATION

[Missy Vixen]

28. This reminds me of a little story

>I had some really vile creatures come on to me, and I'm not using the term lightly. For them it usually required a rather rude "I'm just not fucking interested, okay?" type of reply.<

Once upon a time, I went to a musical performance in a friend's backyard. (They give "house concerts". It was her brother-in-law's band.) The brother-in-law in question wrote a song on one of his CD's that I found exceedingly meaningful, so I waited to speak with him a bit after his performance and say how wonderful I thought the lyrics to the song were, and how much they meant to me. He got the "oh, God, you want me, don't you?" look on his face, acted rude, etcetera.

I would love to say that I was gracious, but this demanded a response. I smiled at him and said, "You know something, Chris? I was just standing here to tell you how much I liked your song. I'm not interested in you, sexually or otherwise. As a matter of fact, I'm happily married." His mouth dropped open. I turned and walked away from him.

I'm not sure what you meant by "vile", but it's possible for men to assume a woman's interested, when it's the furthest thing from her mind.

[HopeHoops]

32. Good for you! Now please read my reply to your last sentence...

By vile, I meant "vile", obsessive disgusting leech. No, I'm not sexist. I have a wife and three daughters and have always held the opinion that women in general are superior to men, but that's just me. I was referring to the sort that has to cling to a guy to justify their own existence, and curiously most of them could only explain their life experiences if they could relate them to specific characters and events in soap operas. Really sad, actually. Unfortunately, the only way to say "NO" isn't to say "NO!" - that would constitute communication. It is unpleasant, but sometimes you have to be rude to get the point across.

There were only a few such females in my past but I've had male friends who seem to attract them exclusively. I also realize that women might consider the character and behavior I described to be normal for guys, the term "lounge lizards" comes to mind. All I was trying to get at is that with the vast majority of women, communication is the key to everything. I've been with my girl for 24 years now and we're both still happy. For the ones I referenced as "vile", communication wasn't even an option.

By the way, I've spent a lot of time with musicians because I am one. I've seen a shocking difference between men and women in this arena. The women generally shy away from notions of sexual attention and aren't presumptuous about the intentions of the fans. The men automatically assume they have a full-scale orgy sitting in the audience. Just an observation. Your response was PERFECT!

[Missy Vixen]

43. HopeHoops, now this is interesting!

I was worried that "vile" meant not pretty or not thin. Just goes to show you that I made a snap judgment, huh? ;-)

I also appreciated your comments on men v. women musicians. There was a study done a few months back in which college students were surveyed. The guys thought that any friendly expression = the woman wanted to have sex with him, whereas women who were really interested could be amazingly blatant and the guy didn't get it. (Does this not explain a LOT of things?)

The subject of my little story spent the rest of his evening trying to talk to me. After all, how dare a woman I'm sure he perceived so far beneath his typical standards tell him point-blank she wasn't interested? My husband was with me. He thought it was pretty funny!

I'm hoping for all happiness for you and your lady, and another 24 years (at the least!) to enjoy it with!

[HopeHoops]

44. LOL - Yes, you're correct - the "vile" ones I mentioned were (mostly) attractive!

[Lucian]

23. Well, if I want to hang out with her after the first date,

then that means I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with her.

If I don't want to hang out with her after the first date, I don't call her and I don't want nothing to do with her. Simple.

[MajorChode]

27. Facial expressions

[MrPerson]

30. Most women make the first move.

I know this goes against conventional wisdom, but they do.

[no name no slogan]

31. 1) Stalk her. 2) Get a restraining order on her.

nt

[ZombieNixon]

45. Club her over the head and drag her back to my cave by her hair.

Ugg brave hunter. *thumps chest*

[MajorChode]

46. You hopeless romantic

[Bucky]

51. Is that the answer for question #1 or #2?

Cause, frankly, it could go either way.

[LadyoftheRabbits]

60. Aww, sweetie, you remembered our first date

:loveya:

:rofl:

[FarLeftRage]

49. Alrighty then...

1. By giving my full attention to her, listening to what she is saying and watching her body language. Smiling alot and flirting with her are secondary.

2. By letting my thoughts meander while she is speaking, not so much smiling,very little eye contact and telling her how busy I will be for the next 50 years of my life.

[Bucky]

50. 1. The Penis Dance. 2. The Penis Dance performed while standing on my head.

Ironically, both of these social indicators seem to have the same affect on the object of my attentions.

[Beacool]

57. They call 911? They take out a restraining order?

They pull out a gun and threat to shoot you in the 'nads?

Hmmm, the choices are infinite........

;-)

[Oeditpus Rex]

52. Agents, both foreign and domestic, have been trying to get this out of me for years

I've never told.



And I never will.



:)

[bluedigger]

53. It's simple enough.

1. Take out my penis.





2. Take out my teeth.




3. To quote George Costanza: I cannot envision any circumstance in which I’ll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How’s it gonna happen? I just don’t see how it could occur.

:rofl:

[PaddyBlueEyes]

54. tell her the truth

either way...do the right thing.

[av8rdave]

55. OK....

1. I try not to.

2. I talk about my wife.

[Chan790]

56. Hmmm...

1.) I actually really really suck at this. The more I like them, the quieter I get. So I'm going to be reading and cribbing ideas from this thread.

2.) I'm pretty direct. I say so.

[Sky Masterson]

58. k

1)Depends on the woman.
2) gently

[ReliantJ]

61. Here

1. How do you show a woman that you ARE interested in having a relationship with her?
Lots of eye contact and talking about things outside of the current environment (School, work)
2. How do you show a woman that you ARE NOT interested in having a relationship with her?
Get away

[Celeborn Skywalker]

62. I'm not direct about it really.

If I'm interested, I'll try and create attraction in the woman and use some progressively more touch around them (nothing creepy or inappropriate). If they reciprocate I will up the touching a little more, etc.,etc. Usually I can tell by then if they're interested in me.

[petronius]

63. 1) Sleep with her. 2) Sleep with her, then don't call.

:o


To tell the truth, I don't remember the real answers - I've been married/committed for years...