Help me out with some jokes, Loungites!

[regularguy]

I'm hosting an open-mic tonight. Usually when I'm in front of people I rely on spontaneous funniness, but I'm thinking that if I just sort of clam up it would be good to have a few planned/canned jokes up my sleeve. Bring it on, Charlie.

[madinmaryland]

1. An oldie but goodie....

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:evilgrin:

[regularguy]

2. Y'know...

Out in the real world there are actually people who haven't heard this one. I just might break it out. Similary if some wiseass yells for "freebird", I'm gonna actually play it. That'll teach 'em!

[Shiver]

3. One of my favourites....

Don't know how well known it is, but what the hell... if your down south, this might not play over as well, I don't know. Whatever.

*

There was a massive car accident down south, numerous cars piled up and bodies everywhere. The local police had arrived promptly, and the Sheriff was walking around, taking account of everything while the deputies were doing whatever they could to help the survivors.

Walking around almost aimlessly, notepad and pen in hand, the Sheriff stopped for a moment and made a sickly face. "Ewww... one arm in th' ditch." He begins writing it down, but stops after a moment, a perplexed expression on his face. "Arm. A-H-R - no, A-R-M. Arm. One arm in th'... ditch. Ditch. Damn." He taps the pen against the notepad as he tries to think it through. "D-I-D-C - no. D-I-T-C-H! There we go. Ditch. One arm in th' ditch."

He finishes scrawling the note and resumes his inspection, writing down anything he feels needs to be noted. After a minute he stops again, shaking his head sadly. "One leg in the ditch." He pauses. "Leg. L-A-I - no, L-E-G. There we go, L-E-G, leg. One leg in th'...ditch." He frowns, then his eyes brighten. "Oh, right. Ditch. One leg in th' ditch."

Leaving the severed limb behind, he once again continues, finally stopping in the street itself. "Oh lord Jesus," He gulps, looking away for a moment and turning slightly green. "One head in th' middle of th' road." He takes a deep breath, then begins writing it down. "One... head. Head. H-A-I - no... H-E-I - no... H-E-A-D. Head. In the middle... middle. M-E-T-T - no, that ain't right... M-E-D-D- no..."

He looks around, then kicks the head aside. "One head in the ditch."

*

A bit long, but if you act out the movements instead of speaking all of them, and get the accent and timing right, and give a kick in just the right way, it's damn hilarious.

ON EDIT: It occurs to me that maybe this isn't the type of joke you were looking for... or maybe it is. I dunno. :P

[regularguy]

4. Not sure if I could pull this one off,

but I like it. We'll see. Thanks! :hi:

[Felix Mala]

5. How 'bout some Henny Youngman...

Take my wife, please...

I take my wife everywhere, but she always finds her way back home.

My wife and I were at the mall the other day. A guy selling beauty products came up and asked her, "How would you like to lose 30 pounds of ugly fat?"
I said, "Cut off her head..."

My wife will buy anything marked down. The other day she came home with two dresses and an elevator.

I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as possible.

My wife decided to spice up our love life by greeting me at the door wrapped in Saran wrap. I said, "Leftovers again?"

I haven't talked to my wife in three days. I didn't want to interrupt her.

[regularguy]

6. Ouch! My wife will be there and,

well I do like sleeping next to her and hope to continue to do so...;)

But thanks for the suggestions Feles!

[av8rdave]

7. OK, you asked for it

"You've got to stop masturbating," says the Doctor.

"Why?" asks the patient.

"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[Seeking Serenity]

8. This only works if you can do a Scottish (or Irish) accent

There was this Scotsman (or Irishman) at his neighbourhood pub. A 2 a.m., the bartender says, "Towels up. Time to leave." So the Scotsman hops off his barstool and, BAM, falls flat on his face.

"Whoa." He tries to get up again, and BAM, falls flat on his face again.

"Bugger, I must be more pissed than I thought. Maybe if I get some fresh air, it'll help sober me up."

So he gets outside, takes a few deep breaths, and says, "OK, I think I'm better now." He tries to get up and falls over again, BAM!

"I've gotta get home and sleep this one off." So he gets a taxi, crawls into his house and into his bed.

The next morning, his wife comes into his room, screaming.

"You were at that bar again last night, weren't ya, you drunken git?"

"No, lassie, whatever would give you that idea?"

"The bartender called! You left your wheelchair there again!"