Note to self: When someone asks "Are you a Christian?", the answer is "no", or at least

[Critters2]

"Not by your definition".

Note #2: Don't talk to strangers in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube.



Hey, you guys...did you know that the Army is implanting the mark of the beast on the backs of soldiers' hands, and they can use it to buy groceries? It's true!! And Obama kills babies. I learned this today in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube.

:banghead:

[lost-in-nj]

1. whoa

did you ask for a link??
cause yanno its not true if there isn't a link.......


























:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

lost

[Critters2]

4. I'll bet there is one. nt

[PVnRT]

2. Always always always bring a book

Anytime I'll be in a waiting area by myself for any reason, I have something to read.

[Critters2]

3. I'll be more careful in future. As it was, the only reading material in my car

was my Study Bible, which would only have made it worse.

[jobycom]

41. A heavy book. nt

[KitchenWitch]

5. Oh cool, I am joining the Army!

:crazy:

Oy vey.

[Critters2]

6. No need to go to all that trouble. The gummint's gonna give us all the mark of the beast purty soon

Both candidates are planning to do it, but Obama will do it sooner.

[KitchenWitch]

9. Just as long as the mark is purty!

:P

[Critters2]

10. It's invisible! That's what makes it so scary.

Only Satan and his minions in the Pentagon can see it. Though bar-code scanners can pick it up.

The one part I did agree with is Pentagon=evil.

See! If you try hard enough, you can find common ground with anyone!

[billyoc]

25. I'm scratching my head over that one.

Why the hell would a soldier have to buy groceries? :rofl:

[sarge43]

29. S/he has a family to feed. n/t

[billyoc]

30. Ah, of course, how stupid of me. I couldn't imagine having a family in the service.

I rarely ever saw dry land. ;(

[TZ]

7. Yes of course, only Republicans are true Christians....

:sarcasm:

Really critters, I might be an atheist but I have to respect you for being in a profession where you have to deal with ninnies and idiots like this on a regular basis..I'd be tempted to smack someone over the head with a Bible and say..hows that feel? Thats what you do all the time.....

[Critters2]

8. This wasn't in a professional capacity. This particular ninny was just a general public ninny.

On my day off no less. Could've happened to any poor soul who got their oil changed at 2 pm today.

My own church is pretty progressive. Even my Republicans are the old style kind, who just never got the memo about the Southern Strategy. They keep hoping the party will get over its love affair with the far right. Against all evidence.

But yeah, this particular crazy set a new high for, well, craziness.

[otherlander]

20. Sue.

Never, EVER follow a statement implying that you are an atheist with the word "but" on DU. Or the word "however". Or the phrase "and yet". In fact, if you don't want the other atheists yelling at you, you probably shouldn't follow it up with anything other than, "...and I think all teh X-tians are delusional for believing in teh sky fairies!!!1" Trust me on this one, okay?

[Critters2]

44. LOL! nt

[InvisibleTouch]

11. Depending on the moment, my answer would also be "No" - or...

..."Why do you want to know?", accompanied by a look that makes it clear I think the questioner is nuts.

[HEyHEY]

12. I say, "No, sorry I already told you my name's Jeremy"

[Critters2]

15. That's great! I'm gonna remember that!

:rofl: Thanks! :hi:

[undeterred]

13. All Democrats are baby-killers. Its a sport.

We do it as often as we go to Jiffy Lube.

[Critters2]

16. I know, but somebody's been telling.

What's the point of secret handshakes if people go around flapping their lips about what goes on at the meetings!

[Fire Walk With Me]

19. "Pull."

[ghostsofgiants]

33. Brak!

That is awesome. :D

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. dude you need to leave crazyville

:hi:

[Critters2]

17. Meh. I'm the crazy magnet.

I had friends who wouldn't sit with me on the T in Boston, because they didn't like being bothered by "Critters' crazies". Happily, the were sure to sit in the same car, for fear one of the crazies might turn on me.

If there's a crazy anywhere in the county, I'll meet 'em sooner or later. I'm just lucky that way.

[fudge stripe cookays]

18. I do NOT suffer fools lightly.

He/she would have gotten a snotty "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I didn't ask you." But I guess clergy are expected to handle situations more diplomatically.

If they had continued to talk, I would have stalked away and sat outside or something. I hate their sanctimonious bullshit, and I refuse to give them a captive audience.

[DarkTirade]

21. ... and I said, "Ma'am I am tonight."

Put on my blue suede shoes

And I boarded the plane

Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues

In the middle of the pouring rain

[Aristus]

22. I'm a Christian. Whenever someone asks me if I am, I have to say to myself:

"Oh shit! What is this person? A right-wing "Prosperity" Christianist who loves war, wealth and nothing else? An atheist who will think I'm a right-wing "Prosperity" Christianist who loves war, wealth and nothing else? Or is it a true follower of Christ who believes in humanity, humility, service, love, tolerance and forgiveness?"

Only the last one is probably going to like me.

[Left Is Write]

23. The first rule you must learn is...

complete strangers who ask if you are Christian are never going to be satisfied with the answer.

I have never self-identified as simply a "Christian." If asked my religious bent, I always used to answer that I was a Lutheran. I didn't want my particular beliefs and practices lumped in with those of people I found repugnant. Later, I would answer that I was an ELCA Lutheran, quick to add that this is the most liberal arm of Lutheranism. Now? I just try to avoid religion talk with people outside of my own circle anyway.

[JVS]

24. The answer is "You bet your sweet ass I am"

[struggle4progress]

26. You can always pray the St. Francis prayer aloud: "Lord, give me the serenity to accept

the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off"

I should add, that I'm not absolutely sure that's word-for-word from the mouth of St. Francis, but one doesn't always have the luxury of historical accuracy

[Critters2]

45. That's not St. Francis. It's Reinhold Neibuhr. And it probably comes closer to what ol' Reinie

actually meant. Two of my profs studied under him, and said you did NOT want to piss Reinie off!


The St. Francis Prayer is all about peace and kindness and other unChristian crap like that.

[struggle4progress]

46. I guess I oughta knowed St Frank weren't the "killem & hide theys bodies" sort

;)

[Tabasco_Dave]

27. I tell them i'm Eastern Orthodox Christian

I'm really a Buddhist but i got tired of the "you should accept Christ in your life" BS. You get a puzzled look when you tell them your orthodox because their literature and pastors know nothing about it. It usually shuts them up.

[Wapsie B]

28. No I'm a Devil-worshipper and I'm out looking for souls.

[Chorophyll]

31. Christian or not, when a stranger asks you that question...

...nothing good can come of it. "No speak English" might be a good response.

[Brewman_Jax]

32. I've found simply saying "No" usually stuns them enough

and they don't continue.

[cwydro]

34. Yikes.

That Christian question usually never turns out well.

[tigereye]

35. but you're a minister, right?

wouldn't that pretty much cover you? :hi:

[Deep13]

36. "No. And that is not an invitation to tell me why you are one." nt

[deepthought42]

37. Note to self: Stay away from Jiffy Lube. Period.

:evilfrown:

I should join the Army, then I could afford to go grocery shopping! :banghead:

[MountainLaurel]

40. No kidding

I have never been in a Jiffy Lube where anything other than Fox News was playing.

[SacredCow]

38. That question, out of the blue equals:

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!!!!!!!



Seriously, that's the cue to move to the other side of the room and put on your earbuds to assure them that the conversation will not happen! Been there more times than I can count!

[hunter]

39. Why are you so lucky? Nobody ever asks me...

:cry:

I cherish every opportunity to unleash my inner Ezekiel.

http://www.mechon-mamre.org/p/pt/pt1244.htm#2

[jobycom]

42. You've heard the Emo Phillips routine, I suppose...

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

[gmoney]

43. "No habla English, scheisskopf" (n/t)

I know that's not proper Spanish, German or English, but it has a certain "je ne sais quois" to it.

[QueenOfCalifornia]

47. My answer

"No... I do not have imaginary friends."

The part about Obama killing babies is true though. I think he chars them on a spit in front of the giant statue of Satan right before he and his family sit down to dine.

[old mark]

48. Several years ago,I met an old gentleman who wdvocated killing public

school teachers because they were demons or some such shit.
This was in a tire store.
I followed him outside, and had a hard time restraining myself from beating him senseless.

My sister is a public school teacher in Texas.

mark

[Ikonoklast]

49. My standard answer is "As a matter of fact, I *am* Christ."

"Are you one of my followers?"

They usually start squeaking and inching away from me.

[flvegan]

50. "No, I'm Jesus Christ, therefore, a Jew."

That oughta shut em up.

[SOteric]

51. So... I have to quit pretending that I don't speak English?

Poot.

[mwooldri]

52. Just tell them that you're "saved". That's all they need to know. nt

[sniffa]

53. If you lived in New England

you would usually, never get that question (actually, you'd never get the question, "what's your religion?"). It's considered very, fucking rude here.

It's nice.

[leeroysphitz]

54. Is there anything that they DON'T know at Jiffy Lube?

Every time I go there they know that my PCV valve, air filter and windshield wipers need to be replaced (on top of the mark of the beast stuff that you mentioned...).

[kwassa]

55. Is Jiffy Lube the Anti-Christ?

Naw, Sarah Palin is the Anti-Christ. Jiffy Lube is simply one of the Circles of Hell.

[SammyWinstonJack]

56. "Are you christian? My answer is No I am an Atheist. Then they run away.

[dakdirty]

57. I've tried saying no...

But usually, at least here in S. FL, that leads to a looong discourse about the imminent damnation of my eternal soul, etc. Another one I get when I say no is "Are you an Atheist then?" I'm like, Damn, you people really believe that non-christian=soulless & evil. So, now I just say I don't discuss this issue randomly, period. With a firm inflection, that usually gets me off the hook.

[SammyWinstonJack]

58. Probably best just to not take them on, but then It pisses me off. I get really upset that they

have the gall to push their religious bs off on me. :shrug: Oh and I am in Texas. :rofl: Can you just imagine? :evilgrin:

[SPKrazy]

59. It's all true

Jiffy Lube customers are always right :P