Holy Crap! I just wrote a poem....

[The Animator]

ARIES

Spear and shield, lifted high, protect, they must from neck to thigh.
Trust their brothers bound by strife; the Phalanx is a living knife.
The valley of the slain doth flood, tinted red with mortal blood.

Glory to thy name they cry, to give them courage when they die.
Their sacrifice fulfills thy need, upon their rage and wrath thou feed.
The gift of war, to man disbursed, its purpose serves to slack thy thirst.

Grasses grow to claim field, the blood, the bones, the sword and shield.
Sister cries, the sacred cost, broken souls of soldiers lost,
When at last the end doth come, brother’s boat shall bare them home.

Brother Vulcan plays his part, to find in man their darkest heart.
Battles hone the warriors’ skill; warriors learn new ways to kill.
Ages hath not sharpness worn, the blade of war since first was borne.

Mankind’s hunger shall not yield; they envy you, the axe you wield.
Their quest for strength unlocks a beast, power of the gods unleashed.
To find in man the worst thou sought, what hath thy provocation wrought?

Shadow, flame, and mortal rage, slip the bonds of earthly cage.
The dog of war hath broken free, loosed by man to war on thee.
To the Mount Olympus comes, the distant sound of battle drums.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

1. dude!!

love this line:
"Grasses grow to claim field, the blood, the bones, the sword and shield."

nicely done:thumbsup:

[auntAgonist]

2. this is excellent ..

In particular I like this part.

Grasses grow to claim field, the blood, the bones, the sword and shield.
Sister cries, the sacred cost, broken souls of soldiers lost,
When at last the end doth come, brother’s boat shall bare them home.

very well done.


aA

[nuxvomica]

3. I enjoyed this poem immensely, but...

It's "slake" not "slack" and I would take the comma out of the line "they envy you the axe you wield". Keep in mind I only nitpick really good poetry and this one is truly fine. :thumbsup:

[The Animator]

4. Better?

Aries 2.0

Spear and shield, lifted high, protect, they must from neck to thigh.
Trust their brothers bound by strife; the Phalanx is a living knife.
The valley of the slain doth flood, tinted red with mortal blood.

Glory to thy name they cry, to give them courage when they die.
Their sacrifice fulfills thy need, upon their rage and wrath thou feed.
The gift of war, to man disbursed, its purpose serves to slake thy thirst.

Grasses grow to claim field, the blood, the bones, the sword and shield.
Sister cries, the sacred cost, broken souls of soldiers lost,
When at last the end doth come, brother’s boat shall bare them home.

Brother Vulcan plays his part, to find in man their darkest heart.
Battles hone the warriors’ skill; warriors learn new ways to kill.
Ages hath not sharpness worn, the blade of war since first was borne.

Mankind’s hunger shall not yield; they envy you the axe you wield.
Their quest for strength unlocks a beast, power of the gods unleashed.
To find in man the worst thou sought, what hath thy provocation wrought?

Shadow, flame, and mortal rage, slip the bonds of earthly cage.
The dog of war hath broken free, loosed by man to war on thee.
To the Mount Olympus comes, the distant sound of battle drums.


I appreciate the help, I haven't taken a grammar class in decades.

[nuxvomica]

5. Yes. Minor changes anyway

I've read it over a few times just because it's so fun to read. I love the way it ends. :)

[DarkTirade]

6. Spartans! Prepare for glory!

[YankeyMCC]

7. Ares

Maris, Mavor - protect us - set the boundaries right!

Very nice Animator, I look forward to more!

My suggestion would be to use the "Ares" spelling but that's a trivial point.

[DeepBlueC]

8. third stanza, third line

I think you mean "bear" rather than "bear"...yes?

[The Animator]

9. Thanks jeme, another good catch.

I meant "bear" as in to carry.

In my defense I wrote this at six in the morning... right before bed.
Of course, I think I'd have missed a lot of these while completely awake too.

[DeepBlueC]

10. and, of course I made a mistake

in catching the mistake! I just realized that. There are never enough proofreaders.