Ugh. Family! My dad is having surgery, my sister knew and didn't tell me...

[huskerlaw]

Here's the story. My dad called me about an hour ago and told me that he's been having heart irregularities (his heart's beating way too fast) since March. They've tried medication and shocking it back into regular rhythm, neither worked. So now he's scheduled for surgery on June 3.

I'm annoyed about being left out of the loop for over a month, but I get that this is how parents are. He didn't want to worry me until he knew what was going on, blah blah blah. I'm not happy about it, and I told him so, and he swore that he'd keep me updated from now on. We'll see, but that's not really the issue.

The issue is that MY SISTER KNEW. She has known since March that dad was having problems. Apparently she overheard him talking about it, so he told her what was going on. Again, a little peeved at dad for not telling me at that point, but here's the thing: my sister broke the sibling code.

Or am I wrong about that? Isn't there an unwritten sibling code that states that when one sibling finds out about a parent's illness, they have to tell the other siblings? Assuming that all relationships are stable, etc.

While this isn't a life-threatening situation, it's not a completely minor surgery either. Granted, she didn't know about the surgery the whole time, since that's a relatively recent development, but she knew about the underlying medical problem.

I am SO PISSED at my sister right now. Annoyed with my dad, absolutely LIVID with my sister. Am I wrong to be so mad at her, or should I confront her about this?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear huskerlaw!

Yikes...

I really have no clue on this one...

I've never heard about this unwritten code...:shrug:

I think you might explore this with your sister...

But not confront her...

She's likely under some stress about your dad, too, and confronting her will just make things worse, IMHO...

I'm sorry this is happening, sweetie...:hug:

Good vibes to your dad!

[huskerlaw]

2. Perhaps "code" is too strong a word...

and I'm sure dad told her not to tell me, but really? I think part of my problem also is that since I'm 1500 miles away, I expect her to fill me in on things I'm not around to hear. I can't keep myself in the loop, so...shouldn't she? Especially when we're talking about our parents' health?

I would have told her. I wouldn't even have considered NOT telling her.

I am SO mad right now, and yes, hurt too. And scared. Ok, probably mostly scared...

:cry:

[Skittles]

14. if she was honoring your dad's wishes, try to give her some leeway

me, I would have told dad I cannot keep this from my siblings and not to ask that of me

[GoddessOfGuinness]

3. Maybe your dad told her not to tell you?

It would be a terrible confidence he asked her to keep, but it would make her silence understandable.

I think you should tell her how hurt you are that she didn't tell you what was going on. It will at least give her a chance to explain, and help you to see where she was coming from. Hopefully it'll make a difference in family communication in the future.
I would try to remain as calm as possible, however. Rage will not help resolve the issue at hand. :hug:

[huskerlaw]

5. I'm sure he did.

But my sis and I have been in the situation of having a parent (my mother this time) not tell us about a medical issue until long after it was resolved and we were both pissed and hurt. So she KNOWS how I'll feel about this.

I'm glad that it's almost midnight at her house...I don't really even have the option of calling her. I won't have a chance to until tomorrow evening. By then I'll be much more calm and able to discuss it rationally, but...I'm going to be extremely clear that it better not happen again.

[Ellen Forradalom]

4. She'll never forgive you for leaving Nebraska

for Hollywood, swimming pools, movie stars.

[huskerlaw]

6. Probably true!

:P

[HeresyLives]

7. She's nearby, and you aren't

And all she knew was that he was having problems, not about the surgery. Why worry you?

[huskerlaw]

8. Well, sort of true...

She found out when my dad was visiting her. She's in Iowa, he lives in Nevada, I live in Los Angeles. He's only about 7 hours from me. So that's another aspect of it, if something had happened, I'd be the one in a position to do something about it, not her.

[HeresyLives]

9. Ahhh I thought she was

nearby, and more quickly available. Well then, just ask her.

Nicely I mean.

[huskerlaw]

11. I wasn't very clear

but yeah, he goes back to Nebraska/Iowa often to visit the grandkids, so she actually sees him more often than I do. She overheard a conversation between he and our stepmom during one of those visits.

But normally, I'm closer and also far more able to be there at a moment's notice (no kids, understanding boss, etc.).

I won't have a chance to talk to her until tomorrow evening. I'm sure I'll be more calm by then.

[QMPMom]

10. I'm sorry you were kept out of the loop.

It sucks. I know, I have gone through it.

This past winter when my dad was in the hospital (I am 2500 miles away) I called to speak to him. Some woman answered and told me he had been released. I was *not happy* that I wasn't told. When he was critical and dying, I didn't give them a chance to not call me. I was phoning on an hourly (or more) basis.

I hope you can speak to your sister and get to the bottom of why she didn't tell you.

[huskerlaw]

12. Yeah, I'm definitely going to talk to her about it.

Both of us have been left out of the loop on other medical issues with other family members and we've discussed how hurt and angry we were in those situations. I guess that's why I'm so pissed that she turned around and did it to me.

We will be talking about it, and I have a good 18 hours to calm down before I call her. ;)

[HeresyLives]

13. I just meant

that it's already a difficult time for you, and the last thing you need is a scrap with your sister. So it's a good thing you have plenty of time to cool down. :hug: