The reality of severe mental illness

[Droopy]

Some people don't think that mental illness is real. While mental illness itself is real, the realities that the mentally ill experience aren't......maybe. My brain has created alternate realities that would probably make for some good mind fuck movies.

The last time I was hospitalized happened on the day that my family was celebrating my niece's first birthday party about 4 and a half years ago. It kind of sucks for me to have that anniversary associated with a time for joy. The most terrifying thing to me about my mental illness is that I don't know I'm sick when I'm suffering from my symptoms. I have no insight at all. I've read that that happens in about 30% of mentally ill people. I feel like a wild animal in a trap when I'm sick who sees the trapper walking toward him with a hunting knife. I think everyone wants to harm me in some way because I'm the last of an un-evolved race of people whose presence in the world is holding everyone back from experiencing some kind of utopia. They are too moral to kill me outright so I must be convinced to kill myself. I am sub-human. I am made to feel constantly like an unworthy animal through things they will not say out loud. My mind is assaulted with thoughts and emotions that are not mine. That is how they show me that I must die.

So here I am and the birthday party is over. I'm thinking that I will die on my niece's birthday. I know where my step-father has a hand gun. But for some reason I decide to talk with my mother before I go. I confront her about the images and words that she and everyone else is beaming into my head. She, of course, has no idea what I'm talking about. But I know that is just a guise to further torture me. It would be kind of like knowing people are plotting against you in some way, but the only evidence is in your head and when you confront someone about it they play dumb.

My mother asks me if I would like to go to the hospital. I think about it for a minute and then laugh and say, "Yeah, I guess so because I'm going to blow my head off." Of course I thought of the hospital as just another game that they could torture me with. She reacted with what I thought was feigned distress and drove me to the hospital.

They put me in a little room in the ER with a guard sitting outside of it. They would not let me close the door. A little boy walked past the door way and looked in at me and smiled. A woman who claimed to be a doctor came in and spoke with me. I knew she was really a janitor, but I played the game with her. As I was telling her about the medication that I stopped taking 4 months ago the little boy walked past the door again, looked in and smiled. Then it occurred to me that they probably do not usually let little kids walk around the emergency room, let alone get close to a scumbag like me who they obviously think could be dangerous. Then I realized that I had stopped talking to the "doctor" and I was staring out the door at nothing. She looked over her shoulder then looked at me and smiled. That's when I realized that there was a hidden camera in the room and that my little ordeal was being broadcast throughout the entire hospital on the patient's TVs. They say laughter is the best medicine.

They gave me some pills and I took them. The next thing I knew was that I was on a stretcher in front of a nurse's desk. There were paramedics at either end of the bed and another nurse stood by me. That startled me and I quickly hopped off the bed. But my legs buckled and I almost fall over. Then I realized what had happened. They had loaded me up in an ambulance and drove me to a different hospital that had a bed available on a lock down psychiatric unit. I don't remember any of it. I was exhausted, but I was back in the reality that everyone else experiences- for the most part. It took about 7 days to get there totally, but I've been there ever since. I still don't know if that little kid in the emergency room was real or not.

[SPKrazy]

1. Someday Droopy We Will Revert Back To The Belief

that came before scientific dualism of the body/mind (Cartesian) and realize that we are a whole person and what affects one part of the body affects all parts. The brain is an organ, just as the skin, the liver, the heart, etc.

Severe mental illnesses are more and more looked at as brain diseases. (Schizophrenia, Bipolar, Clinical Depression, etc.)

There are obviously psychosocial factors because none of us lives in a vacuum.

You and me, and many others who suffer from a diagnosable mental illness are not treated fairly by the health care system from the front lines, to the paper pushing bureaucrats (be they government or private) who make decisions about what care we are rationed. (Yes we have health care rationing in America, the U.S. that is)

:hug:

thanks for your insightful and always gut level honest personal posts about this topic.

[Droopy]

4. You're welcome, SPK

One thing I like about the possible health care reforms that Hillary and Obama would try to make law is that they both say that mental illness will be treated the same as any other biological illness because that is what they are in reality.

[BarenakedLady]

2. Thank you for sharing.

That was a very brave thing to do.

I'm glad you are here, Droopy.

:hug:

[Droopy]

6. You're welcome

This is one topic I could talk about for hours because it has affected me so deeply. I went without treatment after I became ill for ten years because I didn't realize that I was sick. I'm still trying to work through that trauma. One area where it particularly affects me is my self-confidence. It's really hard to get that back after your reality has been shattered.

[Haole Girl]

3. Wow

That was difficult to read. In fact, it took me two tries before I got up the courage to read it in its entirety!! I certainly hope you never go off your meds again. And, I find it amazing you can recall so many details... it must be painful to do so. :hug:

p.s., I really doubt the little kid in the emergency room was real.

[Droopy]

8. Maybe I should put a warning in the subject line

Yes it hurts to recall that stuff, but I think it's worth a little pain to make people aware of what a mental illness can do to a person.

I will never go off my meds again. I see a psychiatrist regularly and I will for the rest of my life.

[Haole Girl]

10. Naw...

Anybody can tell the seriousness from the first sentence and stop reading if they need to.

Didn't mean to be melodramatic about it. And I'm glad you shared the story... really. :hug:

[laylah]

5. What a brave sharing.

You are so very right...mental illness is denied by many that have no clue. Thank you for being so very brave to tell your story. It gives many of us courage. :hug:

[Droopy]

9. You're welcome

:hug:

[lost-in-nj]

7. wow

I am so glad you are here.......

thank you for bearing your soul.....
and remember we are ALWAYS here.....


our angels come in many packages......

oh hon.....



peace to you


and :hug:


lost

[Droopy]

11. Thanks lost

If anything good comes out of my illness, and I hope it does, maybe it will be that I've helped to inform people about mental illness and created empathy for those who are afflicted.

[LeftyFingerPop]

12. Droopy, this is one hell of a good post...

and it is one of the best I have ever read in the lounge.

"The most terrifying thing to me about my mental illness is that I don't know I'm sick when I'm suffering from my symptoms".

You're correct, this is the most terrifying thing. I had major depression so bad in 2000 that I was having hallucinations (not just thoughts) of vultures swooping around me...and I thought that was all perfectly normal.

Like SPK alluded to earlier, there is a mind body connection. Like my doctor always says..."The mind lives where the body lives".

I've often asked my doctor if I am crazy. His reply? No. You have depression, and you will always have it. Your depression has a strong physical component (diabetic microvascular disease) that has impacted your brain first, rather than your limbs".

When we have heart attacks, we have chest pain. When we have mental illness, our brain malfunctions to a point where we exhibit other than "normal" behavior. It really is that simple...mental illness is just an illness that manifests in behavioral symptoms.

My meds work wonderful. I am just as jocular and free spirited as I was before I became depressed, and my depression also has a hidden benefit...it has made me more empathetic.

Great great post droopy, and thank you for sharing yourself with us. :thumbsup:

[Droopy]

15. You're welcome and thank you

And I am glad that you have recovered and are well. I was initially diagnosed as having the same illness that you have: depression so severe that it was causing psychosis. Later on down the line they discovered that I actually had symptoms of two different diseases: schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. My correct diagnosis turned out to be schizo-affective disorder and since I've gotten the right meds I feel like I did before I got ill for the most part.

[Madrone]

13. Thank you SO much for sharing that.

It's really fascinating - especially to someone like me that lives to understand people's inner-workings and motivations; what makes them tick. Because I do not share these sort of experiences they are difficult for me to understand. You taking the time to share these intimate details do a LOT to help move me a tiny bit closer to "getting it."

It sounds to me almost like what someone on some heavy drugs would describe happening to them when they were *way* wasted. Would you surmise that the overall "feeling" is similar to what someone experiences under heavy influence of some narcotic?

[Droopy]

17. You're welcome. I've heard of people who've had bad LSD trips

describe some of the sensations that I have felt while they were under the influence. But they go away, of course, after the drug has worn off.

I guess in some ways it would be very difficult for people to relate to what I have gone through. I post stuff like this from time to time in an effort to help people understand. And I think these stories have an entertainment value to them as well. :)

[Madrone]

26. Yeah - the story reminded me of the "under the influence" stories I've heard.

Which is, of course, why I asked. ;) At least with something like LSD, if you don't want to have that happen again you can just stop taking it. To ME, that whole not knowing when it's going to happen again, knowing that it can happen at any time, and having a complete and total lack of control over myself when it DID - well, it freaks me out. I suppose there's a peace that comes with living with it and understanding it though.

Again - thanks so much for sharing. If we were face to face I'd probably drive you nuts because I'd be asking a brazillion questions - but as I said, I'm someone that's very interested in other people, their experiences, and what makes them tick. I think you're awesome for being brave and confident enough to lay it all out on the table, as it were.

[Droopy]

29. Thank you

And if you have any questions, feel free to ask. If it's stuff you don't want out on the board then shoot me a PM.

[liberaltrucker]

14. As bad as depression is

And believe me, it sucks, it's nothing like what you must endure.

Be well, mi amigo.

:thumbsup:

[Droopy]

18. Thank you my trucking comrade

I've experienced severe depression as well and I know how tough that illness can be and how tough you have to be to endure it. There were times when I would feel so drained, to the point of being exhausted, but I would lay awake in bed all night unable to sleep which only made the depression worse. But unlike those who have depression I did not have to wait the weeks or even months it takes to find a drug that works. My depression was caused by psychosis and when an anti-psychotic was introduce I began to recover immediately.

[LeftyFingerPop]

22. Profound statement...

"I've experienced severe depression as well and I know how tough that illness can be and how tough you have to be to endure it".

Droopy, all I can remember thinking when I was at my worst is..."How the fuck does anyone ever survive this"?

It HURTS!! It actually physically hurts, or at least, you can't tell if it is physical or mental.

They have started using a statement to describe depression in TV commercials, etc.... "depression hurts".

My doc has said that the pain that some people feel is worse than having 2 broken legs and pneumonia at the same time.

Thats why I just shake my head when people view depression as being "sad"...that is not at all what major depression is.

You have helped educate by starting this thread Droopy.

[Droopy]

25. "You have helped educate by starting this thread Droopy."

I sure hope so. I've encountered a lot of ignorance about mental illness in my time and I know that isn't necessarily people's fault. For so long in this country we have tried to keep the mentally ill locked up in a closet. Mentally ill people were treated like animals as recently as the 1980s. But with more and more people experiencing mental illness, and in particular depression, and with the advances made in psychiatric drugs, I think we are slowly starting to see more acceptance of the mentally ill community.

[kineneb]

43. seconding your experience

depression -is- painful. I remember going to bed at age 8, feeling a great dull pain in my chest, and just crying- almost every night for quite a while, which is the only reason I can remember it. Then there was feeling suicidal when I was 12, and off-and-on through my teens and twenties.

Right now it is just sapping my energy. A good day is when I get two simple things from my "to do" list done.

Mental illness sucks. Period.

[LeftyFingerPop]

45. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a tough time...

and I understand. :hug:

Having gone through it, I really can't imagine many things worse.

When you have cancer or a heart condition, at least others can somewhat relate. They know you are sick, and they know how to try to help you. They sympathize.

With major depression...there is a stigma, sadly. People shun you.

Try to get through it...when you start feeling better, you will feel like you have survived something unimaginable. And many of your fears will vanish because you have made it through this. You WILL improve. Keep looking for the right meds. Keep taking care of yourself. Take comfort in any accomplishment, no matter how small you think it is.

And, getting two things done on your list is a huge accomplishment when you are ill.

Remember, there is only one you. Just because you are sick does not mean that you are not extremely valuable.

[cbayer]

16. Wow.

You would do a great service to all who struggle with serious mental illness by writing more. There are very few voices. People are so marginalized.
Alliance for the Mentally Ill is a good place to start.

[Droopy]

20. I do what I can

I've written a much longer essay about my experiences that I post here every once in a great while and I'm familiar with the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill- NAMI. I used to post on their message board, but I haven't in a while. I also helped start the Mental Health Support Group here at DU. You can find it in the groups forum under Peer Support and Self Help.

But I think you are right and there are probably ways that I could get more involved.

[cbayer]

23. did not mean to say you were not doing enough.

what you are doing here is really impressive.

[LynzM]

19. Thank you for sharing your story, Droopy...

:hug: My mental illness is not nearly as severe, and I'm aware of being irrational and unwell when I am those ways, but I still feel so powerless to change it, and it sucks.

I'm very glad for you that they got you to the E.R. and back into treatment in time. Thank you for sharing your story and letting others in to begin to imagine what it's like.

[Droopy]

21. You're welcome

And I understand that feeling of powerlessness. :hug:

[stuntcat]

24. it's real as everything else in life (well that stuff's not real sometimes but you know what I mean)

For a couple of months after my brain injury I was strapped to my bed, mostly to keep me from hurting myself but also to stop me from hitting people and fighting. I hadn't re-learned to walk yet but I could scream and cuss. I was lost in my head.. awake, saying things and imagining things but also not really with the doctors or my family.
I said horrible things to my in-laws :rofl:
I was so scared and confused it was like I'd died and gone to Hell. My family was afraid I'd be like that for my whole life but one day I snapped out of it and started recovering.. which has been slow with some really freaked out parts. Having almost total amnesia made me paranoid for a while, knowing I did a lot of things and knew a lot of people I'd just never recall, but now I just say fuck it, I seem heartless to people sometimes for laughing at big things. I don't look forward to the rest of life because I see humans failing, like I'm ashamed of my species and I want to melt into the ground, but my family needs me, and my cats and squirrels.

Sorry I vent sometimes :) I just want to say, yes you are right. Also my mom worked with mentally ill people a lot when I was growing up so I think I took in a lot from her, whether I remember why or not.

If I were you I'd assume the kid was there, give him a name and laugh maniacally at him }( I laugh everything off lately.. my family worries about me a little but I'm anything but violent, lucky for them.

[Droopy]

28. Sounds like you've been through a lot

But have a healthy acceptance of what has happened to you. It's still really hard for me to accept some of the crazy things I did when I was suffering from my symptoms. I look back and cringe at a lot of things in my history including a couple of convictions for misdemeanors. I guess it could have been worse, though.

[Skittles]

27. one of my most vivid memories as a teenager

visiting my dad in a mental hospital - his wrists were bandaged from a suicide attempt and his head shaved from electric shock treatments - and he did not know how I was. I feel for you, Droopy my sweet.

[Droopy]

30. Mental illness is so hard on families

Especially kids of a mentally ill parent who is suffering from his or her symptoms. Now days electric shock treatments are rare and are only used as a last resort when nothing else is working. Last I heard anyway.

[GreenPartyVoter]

31. *great big hugs* I can't say I understand because my illness is not like yours, but I _can_

understand about the stigma. And I know what it's like to get on the medicine-go-round trying to find something that works. "Hey! This one isn't designed for your illness, but it's off-label approved so let's give it a shot." I also know about not knowing when I am sick. I am getting better at noticing sooner, but I still can't catch it before something has gone blooey.

On the one hand I hate having a mental illness, but on the other it was such a relief to finally get diagnosed (correctly) because it meant that what was going on wasn't a moral or character issue but rather a chemical one.

Thank you for telling us what it is like for you. I hope you are doing well right now, because unwell sounds so amazingly awful. :hug:

[Droopy]

33. I'm doing excellent. My life has never been better.

I know what you mean about getting that diagnosis. I was so relieved to know that I was sick and all that hellish stuff I experienced wasn't real. But after that initial relief I realized what it all meant. It meant that I'd lost ten years of my life from when I was suffering. I broke down and cried when I realized that. Things are better now, though. The more distance I put between myself and that lost decade the better I feel about myself.

[GreenPartyVoter]

47. Since you were brave enough to post what it is like for you.. I will too. *hugs*

But I am a little bit afraid. I don't want people to think I am trying to steer this thread away from you. :( I hate it when people think badly of me. If you don't want it here let me know and I'll remove it.

This was going on since at least Jr. high, with the episodes farther apart but getting closer together as I got older. I was finally diagnosed at age 34. I wonder how my life would have been different if I had gone on meds sooner. Then again, they couldn't diagnose me because the Bipolar II diagnosis didn't exist yet. I even told a shrink in college that I thought I was BP. "No, you have depression and general anxiety" I 'knew' long before the experts did. :( But I still listened them. They had to be right, so I forgot about what I thought.

The longer it goes untreated the worse it gets. I've thrown things, been borderline dangerous in my fury. 9th grade I’m so apathetic that I stop cleaning my room. I sleep in the corner on the floor on a mattress surrounded by piles of junk because the bed has disappeared. I am too lazy to clean it. A friend does it for me. It takes her two days. She asks me what to keep and what to throw away. I don’t know. I can’t decide. Keep it all. She makes the choices for me and the garbage bags begin to swell.

I'm obsessed with how I look. I'm a little chubby but to people outside me I am cute. Sometimes they even say I am beautiful. Doesn't matter.I'm not size 6. I should be a size 6. I binge until I can't breathe, eating over top of the voice that is screaming inside me that I am going to get fatter. I hyperventilate and run to the bathroom and stick my fingers down my throat. Oh my god! It didn't all come out! Oh my god I'm going to gain weight! I clean the filth off of my hands and face, blow the food out of my nose and turn to my source of comfort... more food.

I've obsessed over things that matter to no one else, but I am convinced that it _does_ matter to the whole world and damn it leave me alone I am working on something earth-shattering here!! It's going to make us a lot of money and we can finally move into a bigger house!! I hear voices in the sounds around me. I see cars drive by and I think they have crashed. But they haven’t. Their tail lights driving down the road surprise me. I've had nightmares that the world is ending. I feel it happen. I wake up wanting to call my then-boyfriend, but my mother won't let me because it's 3 am and his parents would never understand. I've had paranoia so that I can't think of anything else. "There's mice in the house. The baby is going to get rabies, I just know it! You can’t fix rabies!!" And my husband is laughing at me because I sound so ridiculous in my extremity, and I scream at him for not believing me, not taking it seriously damn it!

I've had crying fits that last for days on end from embarrassment and shame over my ridiculous behavior that not only made me want to fall into a hole but to dig the hole and bury myself in it. Not just mere shame.. I am pathetic.... My soul barely fits into me.. I can feel all its energy trying to burst through my too-tight skin. It crawls and I scrape at it with my fingernails and I pull at my hair and I pace the floor and I feel so frantic and trapped because I can only imagine what the people who witnessed my foolishness must think of me now. I call my brother, telling him I have hit rock bottom and that maybe I should be in a 12 step program because I am messed up and my character clearly needs reforming. There is something so wrong with me. I am so defective…..I want to die. But I have kids and I can’t leave them. I take comfort in knowing that these horrible times only last 3 days at the most and that someday I will be dead anyway.

Finally, I go on Cymbalta because I am still so depressed over losing my mom, and things become exponentially worse. I speed up to an 8 day cycle. I can even tell you if it’s going to be a happy day or a screaming day or a crying day just by counting on my fingers. On one day my husband is being a jerk. I try to be the reasonable one but he pushes my buttons and pushes them until my frustration causes me to snap. I flip out on my husband in the parking lot of a grocery store. I storm off leaving him and my kids behind. I spend 2 hours standing by a bridge several blocks away watching the water swirl, thinking they will drive by me and pick me up.

They don’t come. Maybe they had gone to get the groceries while I was off having my fit. But once I leave the bridge I no longer cover the only exit from town. I start panicking that I have missed them. That they have abandoned me and gone home without me. I run back to the store. No. I have taken the wrong street. Where are they? Oh my God Are they still there!? I keep running til I find the right one. There is the car. They are inside. My oldest son has been crying nonstop since I took off, but he's angry now and won't let me say I'm sorry. The shame of hurting him is a huge burden on the ride home. I am a terrible mother.

I was convinced it was me... my soul.. my mind...that if I just had enough willpower I could stop trying to talk all over people or act so giddy that they looked at me funny, or get out of bed or get that driver's license and job even though they terrify me, or just clean the house which is always wall-to-wall junk.... I still cringe over my past behavior, even though I have an explanation for it now I wish I could just hit the reset button and start over. Maybe get everything right this time. Be that perfect person I feel that I should be.

The meds help some. But they don't fix everything. I still don't think I am "normal". But then, all my life the normal I was searching for turned out to be euphoric mania. The doctor says I can't have that. Fine, I'll settle for not depressed. Supposedly I can have that, but I haven't found it yet. At least, not for more than a day or two here and there.

[Droopy]

50. There's no need to remove your post

I like it right here in this thread. I have the symptoms of bipolar disorder as well as some symptoms of schizophrenia. The combination results in schizo-affective disorder. I'm taking medication that they use to treat both illnesses.

I look back on my manic experiences and wish I could have that kind of energy all the time only without the delusions of grandeur :). And I still cringe over my behavior from back then as well. It's getting easier to live with that stuff as time goes by. I just have to tell myself that wasn't the real me. My true self is the kind, compassionate, easy going person that I am now and that I was before I became ill.

You say you are still struggling with the illness and I hope you find the right meds that put an end to that.

"I was convinced it was me... my soul.. my mind..." It is not you and I don't believe in souls, but if I did I would not understand how God would allow one of his loving daughters to experience such torment for not doing anything wrong.

[GreenPartyVoter]

52. Thank you. :^) Remembering old things.. even things that were good, cause me

to cringe. It's almost like I wish I had no past at all. :( I'll try your tactic of telling myself it wasn't me, but it's hard because like I said I worry a lot about what other people think. Even if I know it wasn't me, they don't know. And if I told them, I run the risk that they are ignorant people "boot strappers".

As for meds, I take Tegretol. A lifetime of overeating has left me very heavy so Depakote is out. And I am very scared of lithium and won't take it. So tegretol it is along with Wellbutrin. I might try adding Lamictal again. I was on it once and thought I had a reaction to it, but turns out it might not have been the Lamcital that was the irritant. Itching aside, my stint on that drug was the only time I ever was able to lay my head down on a pillow, fall asleep in 3 minutes, and not wake up again until morning.

Speaking of sleep it is after midnight. I should have been in bed hours and hours ago. :hug:

take care. I'll look for you tomorrow!

[kineneb]

32. thanks, and hang in there

I have been battling episodes of depression since I was a child. I didn't get any medication until I was nearly 30. My symptoms pale beside yours, but the depths of depression are still a living hell. Sending positive vibes.

[Droopy]

35. Like philboy said above, depression hurts

It can take everything out of you just to keep going day by day. Like I told liberaltrucker, depression is a tough illness and you have to be very tough to endure it especially over a long period of time. I hope you are doing well now.

[kineneb]

41. just hanging in

I never really recovered from the last episode in 2001, then...
Hubby got laid-off from WorldCom...
we had to sell our house and move...
Hubby had surgery and went into dialysis...
and now he is slowly dying from congestive heart failure.

Some days are better than others.

Cymbalta and Wellbutrin are my friends, along with my weekly visit to the therapist.

Thanks and Hi.

[vixengrl]

34. Thank you for shedding light on what mental illness is like--

I thinks it's hard for many people who have not experienced it to imagine the fear and loss of control, but your glimpse into this reality is very sobering.

[Droopy]

38. You're welcome

For a long time only the mentally ill understood what it meant to be sick. But there is a growing acceptance of mentally ill people as they and their families speak out about it and as advances are made in psychiatric medication.

[Juche]

36. Schizophrenia is hell

When I was 17 I started having religious delusions, delusions of grandeur and delusions of reference. And I didn't realize I was sick. I did alot of humiliating things during that period but I figured 'eh, when they find out who I really am, they'll understand'. Sooo, for about 4 years I just lived in a bedroom at my parents, so mentally ill I didn't know it with no medical help. After 4 years I was researching mental illness online due to my delusions of grandeur and was looking at the checklist of symptoms for schizophrenia. After about 20 'yes' answers I was like 'ah fuck, this whole thing has been an illness hasn't it'.

My experience has been weird though. Once I realized my thoughts and beliefs due to my illness was an illness and not reality, they just went away. The delusions of grandeur and reference went away and haven't been back. That was over 8 years ago.

So for about a year after I realized I was sick, I was deeply suicidal. Here I was 21 years old, no education, no job, no prospects, and I had humiliated myself beyond belief while pushing my family away. After about 8 months of thinking about suicide I thought 'you know what, I'm going to live to be at least 80. I don't want to spend the next 60 years living with my parents and wanting to die'. So I went to college. I changed majors and eventually got a B.S. degree in biochemistry (I know tons about the neurology of mental illness now), and left school in August 2007. I studied that field for the same reason people who have been victims of severe crime go on to study criminal justice and law, or that people who have seen their parents die of cancer go on to study medicine. I wanted to know as much about biology and biochemistry as possible. However I haven't found a job yet and I am back where I started in alot of regards (living with my parents, feeling like I have no prospects). It sucks, because even though I've made tons of progress socially and personally, a part of me feels I haven't evolved in the last 7 years, even though it is a lie. I feel like I'll never find a job due to my work history gap.

I think once I find a real job and can support myself I will be fine. But the depression I carry with me makes it harder to function at times. I have all this shame and guilt that I have to work through. I have thought of getting a masters in something like cellular neurology so I can work to treat mental illnesses, but the reality is so much research is just drug comapnies trying to create drugs that cost $500/month and barely work better than old drugs, so nah. Not really something I'm going to do. We need to get serious about studying mental illness (they cost several hundred billion a year in lost productivity and medical costs) but we really aren't. The NIMH budget is only about 1.6 billion.

I have talked to psychiatrists about my condition, and because I don't have symptoms (trust me I know what symptoms are) I am not on medication. However I do try to be extremely pro-active about brain health via nutrition and supplements.

[Droopy]

39. Sounds like you are on the right track

The market is really in the tank right now and that might be a reason why you are having trouble finding a job. Hang in there and I'm glad you got things sorted out.

[Juche]

40. True

However I think it is a symptom of a bigger issue. Ever since I started recovering I have been deeply insecure, like I have to prove I am good enough. After your entire grip on reality is forcibly taken away and no one can step in to protect you, I became deeply insecure. And this presents itself in weird ways, like being neurotic about finding a job or a girlfriend. I have talked to therapists about it and it is about 70% better than it was 5 years ago, but it is still there.

But I know what you mean by the farther you get away from the lost decade the better. The farther I seperate myself from those 4 years, the better off I am becoming. I want to do something to be part of the solution, but I am unsure what I can do.

[GreenPartyVoter]

48. I relate to the guilt and shame and depression *hugs* I am glad that you

don't have any symptoms.

[hyphenate]

37. Glad to have someone be so forthright

About it. I have clinical depression, and with so many people who would otherwise deal well with an obvious "disease" it's difficult for many to grasp that illnesses of the brain are just as valid as ones that affect the body. I've even had people essentially say to me, "Get out of the rut, and move on!" They refuse to accept that it's not quite that easy to do.

Well wishes and :hug:


Typo--clarified.

[Droopy]

42. There is a movement

to get mental illnesses classified as biological disorders or brain diseases because that is really what they are. A lot of people don't realize that those suffering from depression can be every bit as much detached from reality as someone with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. It's hard to snap out of something when the chemicals in your brain won't let you see reality. What rational person would be suicidal?

[ThomCat]

44. Thank you for sharing that with us.

I often say that people who don't have chronic pain will never understand what it's like to be in pain. The same is undoubtedly true about mental illnesses. They are experiences you only understand if you exprience them first-hand.

I hope you stay in our reality with us. As bad as it can be, it sounds much better than where you were. :hug:

[Droopy]

46. Hahaha

"I hope you stay in our reality with us. As bad as it can be, it sounds much better than where you were."

Truer words have never been spoken. :)

But get this. Some people who have a mental illness don't have nearly the hellish nightmare that I had, but they are still detached from reality. I remember seeing a documentary about schizophrenia and they were interviewing this woman who had the illness. She was seemingly happy and thought that the voices she was hearing were the voices of angels. They were kind and said loving things to her all the time. She also heard the most beautiful heavenly music.

Also, a lot of people with bipolar disorder will tell you that they miss their manic phases after they get treatment. They used to be able to get so much done and would go days without needing sleep. They would feel energetic and optimistic.

But all of that is not the case with most of us mentally ill folks. The experience is what I would imagine hell to be like if I believed in it.

[Bonobo]

49. I have a video and musical gift for you. Maybe you will like it.

It is a song called "Wallflower" by Peter Gabriel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ST0flJ4Acb0

"Wallflower"

6x6 - from wall to wall
Shutters on the windows, no light at all
Damp on the floor you got damp on the bed
They're trying to get you crazy - get you out of your head
They feed you scraps and they feed you lies
To lower your defences, no compromise
Nothing you can do, they day can be long
You mind is working overtime, you body's not too strong

Hold on, hold on
They put you in a box so you can't get heard
Let your spirit stay unbroken, may you not be deterred

Hold on, you have gambled with your own life
And you face the night alone
While the builders of the cages
They sleep with bullets, bars and stone
They do not see your road to freedom
That you build with flesh and bone

They take you out - the light burns your eyes
To the talking room - it's not surprise
Loaded questions from clean white coats
Their eyes are all as hidden as their Hipppcratic Oath
They tell you - how to behave, hehave as their guest
You want to resist them, you do your best
They take you to your limits, they take you beyond
For all that they are doing there's no way to respond

Hold on, hold on
They put you in a box so you can't get heard
Let your spirit stay unbroken, may you not be deterred

Hold on, you have gambled with your own life
And you face the night alone
While the builders of the cages
They sleep with bullets, bars and stone
They do not see your road to freedom
That you build with flesh and bone

Though you may disappear, you're not forgotten here
And I will say to you, I will do what I can do

You may disappear, you're not forgotten here
And I will say you you, I will do what I can do
And I will do what I can do
And I will do what I can do

[Withywindle]

51. Thank you so much for sharing this.

It's very vivid, and very brave. I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better and thinking better.

It's a struggle, though, isn't it always? I have a history of bad depression, and you're exactly right, the worst thing about mental illnesses is that our system and society relies on SOME ability to self-diagnose -- at least to know you're sick and that treatment exists - and all too often, requires people to advocate and doctor-shop and make judgment calls about treatment and do paperwork and fight insurance companies for ourselves, and these are things that mental illnesses completely strip one's ability to do.

:hug:

[GreenPartyVoter]

53. I was just talking about self-diagnosing in post 47.. and how I

talked myself out of it because the experts knew better than I did. x(

You are so right, active mental illness does strip us of many abilities we need.

[Withywindle]

54. The contrast is so striking.

I don't get physically sick very often.

This summer, I got strep throat, and I knew that's what it was, so I went to a below-the-neck doctor for the first time in years and said "it's strep." He looked at my throat, recoiled in horror and said, "Yup, you're right. That's a nasty case." He took a test just in case, drew some blood just in case, and wrote me a scrip and that was the end of it.

But jeeeezus, I've been seeing various flavors of shrinks for nearly a decade and it seems we're only beginning to get a handle on something that might possibly help. (I'm a little soured on talk therapy for now. I'm not convinced that the social worker I saw every week for eight years actually did any more for me than, say, ranting on the Internet for free.)

[emilyg]

55. Thank you for sharing.

[yewberry]

56. Droopy, you continue to amaze me.

I can't imagine living with the schisms created by such differences in perception of reality.

And yet, there you are, talking about your experience with honestly and humility. You share your stories and your struggles and you never, ever let loose of your humanity and sense of self. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your efforts.

And in a just world, you'd have a book deal.

[hermetic]

57. Thank you all

for having the courage to speak here.

I have hope that others who read this may come to a realization they might not otherwise have had and, thereby, develop more compassion.

And I wish each and every one of you a successful outcome.

:grouphug:

[FloridaJudy]

58. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Unless one has been mentally ill oneself, or lived with someone who is, it's impossible to know how devastating mental illness is. I've spent some time as a patient in mental hospitals, and no, we can't just snap ourselves out of it or "get a grip". Fortunately, my problems are manageable if I take my medication, and recognize when I'm not coping early enough that I can get help.

It's time to do away with the stigma and recognize that mental illness isn't a character flaw or a punishment for bad behavior: it's a biological disease, and like any other it needs treatment. Trying to cover it up just makes it worse, as many in my family have found to their regret.

[Forkboy]

63. Yeah, the "snap out of it" line gets old real fast.

Like we want to feel that way. x(

And then there's the stigma you speak of. Say "bipolar" and some people's first thought seems to be, "Oh, potential serial killer!" I mean, I am a bastard and all, but not that bad. :)

But it IS getting a little better out there as more and more realize these problems aren't just confined to other people, but it's in their own family as well, all too often, sadly enough.

[City of Mills]

59. Droopy

Regarding -

The most terrifying thing to me about my mental illness is that I don't know I'm sick when I'm suffering from my symptoms. I have no insight at all. I've read that that happens in about 30% of mentally ill people. I feel like a wild animal in a trap when I'm sick who sees the trapper walking toward him with a hunting knife. I think everyone wants to harm me in some way because I'm the last of an un-evolved race of people whose presence in the world is holding everyone back from experiencing some kind of utopia.


What a horrible, isolating feeling. Most of my life i considered myself one of those 'normal' people. Months ago I began working with a personal counselor to sort out my feelings due to a painful separation from my wife. The counselor pulled something out of me that I've been trying to suppress and keep hidden a very long time, an all-to-common childhood trauma that I'm not comfortable getting into here. All my life I had convinced myself that it never happened, it was a dream, if it happened - I dealt with it back then and it didn't impact my life or behavior much. Boy, was I wrong. I began to realize my basic personality and core beliefs were formed as a coping mechanism to deal with this traumatic incident.

The tragic thing is towards the end of my marriage, my wife became more and more anxious and depressed and leaned on me hard because she thought I was the normal one. What I never told her, was I never felt quite right, and I myself readily bought into the self-confident image she was projecting to protect herself.

Two (perhaps mildly) mentally sick people seeking comfort in each other, each assuming the other was the normal one. I'm starting to really open my eyes to that fact that there may not be anyone who qualifies as normal.

Mental illness is extremely underreported and often goes completely untreated. Unless you completely lose your ability to control the sickness, you learn to develop ways to hide it to appear normal. I don't think this is necessarily a conscious decision. This has really opened my eyes and I find myself looking at people much differently now. I'm starting to see what I thought I could never see.

Point is, I think the 30% figure is actually low. I think there are more functioning mentally ill people among us than anyone dares to acknowledge.

[Forkboy]

62. My ex wife always says I thought she was stronger than she really was.

But in the end it was the other way around all along. I was never the knight in shining armor she thought I was, and she was as strong as I thought (strong enough to leave, and I know that was scary for her in so many ways). She thought I was the normal one too. Boy, did she find out how wrong that was. :(

It sounds like you've learned a lot about yourself lately. I just wish we didn't have to learn these things about ourselves the hard way, both for us and those we love.

[Forkboy]

60. Powerful story. Shakes some memories in me about my father.

He was paranoid schizophrenic, bipolar 2 disorder. It really didn't kick in in any way that I noticed until I was in my teens and he moved in with me and my friend. Well, I say moved in, but he slept in his car outside of my apartment , using it only for showers and such. Most of the time he was fine, a great sense of humor, smart, and a hell of a cribbage player (we had epic matches...first to win fifty games). Other times he was a different person. Not mean or anything like that, but he'd go on about "They" for hours. "They" were watching us. "They" knew everything we did (not something a 16 year old boy wants to hear). "Don't think they don't know what they're doing to us, to you, and your sister!" That one stuck with me for some reason. Maybe bringing my sister into it made me care more, as I didn't care much about what happened to me. When I asked who "they" were he never specified, which made it scarier.

At that point I was just trying to get away from my family entirely, and had no idea how to handle this situation, other than to drink and party and fight a lot, pretending the problem didn't even exist. I knew something was obviously not right, but I also still trusted that my dad knew best, and if something was too wrong he'd know and take care of it. But he couldn't.

My sister finally did something that haunted her, but had to be done. She had him arrested for vagrancy, which got him into the hospital, and finally to the VA, where he got help, a long process that scared me almost as much as his rantings did. Seeing my dad, who was always so energetic mentally reduced to basically a zombie for months on end was unsettling, to say the least.

But, he got the help he desperately needed, and he's doing well now, and has been for over 20 years. I ended up with the bipolar disorder myself, but thankfully the paranoid schizophrenia didn't get me. I have a hard enough time getting up each day without thinking people are out to get me. :)

Thanks a lot for sharing Droopy.

[Book Lover]

61. Droopy, I am really grateful to you for this post

Thank you so so much for baring your experiences this way.

[BlueIris]

64. Gosh Droopy, I really hope you can avoid episodes like that in the future.

Sounds scary.

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

65. Dude, it is uncanny how much I know what you're talking about.

That paranoia the keeps you second guessing yourself and your motives can be a serious mindfuck. I think part of this is a result of high-intelligence or rather critical thinking. You can try to rationalize what people are doing and try to have it make sense (I.E. that your mother does what she does because she loves you), but the problem is that people do things that simply can't be easily interpreted. I think that can throw things off an even keel when one is so used to everything being level.