Love, Trust, Privacy and Betrayal?

[Pryderi]

Your partner has confided in you that she had an online relationship with a married man in the past when she was single. They exchanged pictures etc. She also has written pornographic short stories. She is great in bed, loves, and adores you and promises to be faithful and wants to marry you. You're also madly in love with her and want to marry.

Then, after being away on business for a week, you look at your browser's history and find that she's logged into the online email account that she once used for her online story porn, went to her address book and uploaded an attachment.

Have you violated your trust in her by looking at the browser history? Should you ask her about the online email account? Should you load a keylogger on the computer, find out her email password and log in?

[Magrittes Pipe]

1. If you log on to her email, you absolutely have violated her trust.

As it stands, it's perhaps a grey area -- but let me tell you this: it sounds like something that is more innocent than it seems. So what if she's writing porn stories? There is no reason to believe, based upon the information contained herein, that she is being unfaithful. So maybe that's the presumption to have.

[Pryderi]

2. What if it is the same email acct in which she had an online affair when she was single?

[eyesroll]

7. I've had one of my email accounts for almost 10 years.

So what? Unless it's "[email protected]," it's indicative of nothing.

[Connonym]

11. I still use the email account I always used when I was online dating

and did even when I was in a relationship. It's the account I always use when I have to sign up for something that I know is probably going to send me spam but it's also the account I use for my frequent buyer cards and newsletters for the exact same reason. It's where I send all the crap that I don't want filling my every day mailbox but some of the crap I may want to read. In the scenario you describe I can give you one very innocent possibility right off the top of my head -- a lot of product newsletters send coupons by email and they need to download to print. You're going to feel like a jackass if you ruin a relationship because your GF downloaded a coupon for Herbal Essence and you didn't trust her. Think about it.

[Pryderi]

3. *bump* Any advice? Should I talk to her about it? What should I ask/say?

[Connonym]

6. if it's really bugging you then ask but whatever you do don't snoop around

it's one thing to innocently discover something but it's a HUGE invasion of her privacy to log into her account and that would be a deal breaker for me. Personally, I'd let this go because odds are that it's something totally innocent. But if you have to resolve it with her, be an adult and do it directly and don't go snooping around her back. If you ask her she may be hurt that you didn't trust her but if you snoop she'll be hurt AND angry.

[Spacemom]

4. I say leave it alone

If you trust her, then have faith in that trust. Writing porn does not mean she's cheating.

[MrCoffee]

5. Don't marry her

for her sake. If you're seriously thinking about using a keylogger to crack her email password, she's better off without you.

[SOteric]

20. What he said, -AND

you'll be better off for not letting yourself descend to abject and utter crazyness for the sake of your doubts about a relationship.

Seriously, if you've so little trust in her, whatever the reason, this is not a lifemate.

[pokerfan]

21. Yep, don't marry her if you are unable to trust her

I believe in monitoring children's online activities, not those of prospective life partners.

[BarenakedLady]

8. Talk to her

Believe me as a victim of keylogging, it is a violation of privacy. Open communication is the key.

Good luck.

[ceile]

9. Question-

Has she given you any reason to doubt her other than this? I think you may be jumping the gun here. So what if she likes to write porn? Could be a good thing actually-:evilgrin:

[AlCzervik]

10. you did invade her privacy and you can't unring the bell. Maybe she wanted you to see it.

anyhow, good luck.

[Inchworm]

12. You lost me in the first sentence

If she was a hooker in the past would you be looking for receipts?

The past is gone. You gotta deal with that not her.

:hi:

[TimeChaser]

13. Perhaps she was just submitting a story?

:shrug:

If I found out my partner was snooping around my computer and breaking my trust, he'd be out of there.

[Missy Vixen]

14. This is IMHO, YMMV

but if it were you and I and I found out you used a keylogging program to find out my passwords, I would be packing. She's an adult. Her communications are her business.

How would you feel if she did the same in return to you?

Julie

[Westegg]

15. Yes; Hell, might as well NOW; No.

[Deep13]

16. We're talking about a computer right?

Nothing on the internet is private. An internet "relationship" does not count as "cheating." I'd stay out of her mail. If it's your computer why are you wondering about this? Just look at what's on it.

[NJmaverick]

17. If you can't trust her there is going to be problems

If she has never cheated on you, there is no reason to think she will. To be this suspicious is a bad thing. Either she has given you cause to not trust her, or you are not capable of trusting her. Either way, it's a major problem. So it seems to me your issues go beyond browser histories and email accounts.

[Guava Jelly]

18. talking is better

Been there done that.
I have found that if you snoop in to the thoughts of another you may not like what what you find.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

[supernova]

19. My Ex liked to read my diary

-- before the internet -- and brag to me that he did. Then want to argue with me about what I wrote. My private thoughts about my experience. You see, he absolutely thought that he had a right to my private mental space.

I finally got the message. I couldn't trust him. I wasn't safe around him because he wanted to use my vulnerabilities against me.

So, if I got the Idea again that an SO was rifling through my private musings, whether it is fiction, a weblog, a diary, I would really be out of there. That means they want to control me.

[Withywindle]

23. I went through this too.

It was WORSE than hitting me. It was WORSE than cheating on me (both of which he also did) For me at least, the psychological violations and insults are almost always worse than the physical.

Email snooping, diary-reading, etcetera is an automatic dealbreaker for me.

Not to mention messing with my smut. Nuh-uh. Cold, dead hands and all that. :evilgrin:

[supernova]

26. I totally agree with you

One of the things that made it so hard for me to leave was that he did everything BUT hit me.

I finally realized all the psycho BS behaviour was just another form of abuse.

What's ironic, is if I trust the person, I will share just about everything anyway, in some form. No need to snoop around.

:shrug:

:hug: to you Whithywindle.

[Withywindle]

28. I had thought I had my head on straight about these things too.

I kind of wish he'd hit me first. I would have gotten out sooner.

The lingering effect it had was I couldn't keep a journal very well for years afterward. I just didn't feel safe with it anymore. And I felt there was always some creepy invisible presence looking over my shoulder and judging my thoughts. Which, for a writer, is BAD. Took me a lot of therapy and willpower and supportive friends and yes, non-controlling, non-judgmental lovers who appreciated my creativity and respected my needs to get through that one.

Overall the experience gave me an important insight though: For all his snooping, he never really understood me at all. He knew virtually nothing about me that was true, even after years. Fearful, controlling people are so caught up in fighting the shit that's in THEIR own heads, the baggage THEY brought to the relationship, that they just can't let go and pay attention to who other people really are. It's projection and it's a kind of negative narcissism.

I'm sorry it happened to you too. :hug:

[supernova]

31. Eek! Did we marry the same guy?!

The lingering effect it had was I couldn't keep a journal very well for years afterward. I just didn't feel safe with it anymore. And I felt there was always some creepy invisible presence looking over my shoulder and judging my thoughts. Which, for a writer, is BAD.

Same thing happened to me too. Took me five or six years after I left to feel OK writing my thoughts and not feeling that I would be judged harshly later. And there are still some subjects I'm still too inhibited to write about. :blush:

Overall the experience gave me an important insight though: For all his snooping, he never really understood me at all. He knew virtually nothing about me that was true, even after years. Fearful, controlling people are so caught up in fighting the shit that's in THEIR own heads, the baggage THEY brought to the relationship, that they just can't let go and pay attention to who other people really are. It's projection and it's a kind of negative narcissism.

Yes, I was finally forced to admit to myself that despite that we had been married for nine years, he knew virtually nothing about me: what I liked, what ticked me off, even things as mundane as my favorite dinner, or flower. He was incapable of providing the relationship I wanted and deserved.

edit: I'm so so so glad we both got away. :D

[Capn Sunshine]

22. If you don't trust her now

it's not going to get any better
Plus it sounds like she can't lose her cybersex addiction.

[Withywindle]

24. Yes, you have violated her trust.

People's dealbreakers and tolerances vary widely in relationships.

I can forgive cheating a lot more readily than I can forgive snooping. The latter is an automatic dealbreaker for me. Not because I have "something to hide" but because my psychic privacy is very important to me and I won't accept it being casually violated. She may feel the same.

What's so bad about smutty short stories, anyway? Seems like a fine hobby to me.

[TimeChaser]

27. ...

"What's so bad about smutty short stories, anyway? Seems like a fine hobby to me."

:D :thumbsup:

[LaurenG]

25. If you do not trust her, this isn't going to work out well

Don't spy on her, if you really feel she IS cheating, and it's bad enough that you think you should track her internet usage, postpone the wedding until you get to the bottom of your feelings about this.

I would suggest counseling so you can explore who you don't trust and why. Save yourself some years of suffering and figure out what's happening with you first, don't go into a marriage with these kinds of doubts...


:hug:

[madinmaryland]

29. A couple of comments here.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking at your browser's history. It is open. For dog's sake, most internet browsers have keystroke memory (i.e. they will remember what you entered as an internet address, and will give you options to finish the address you were starting to access). So I would have no problem asking why she was accessing "that" site.

On the other hand, a keylogger, might be going to far.

Just ask her WTF.

[ThomCat]

30. Why would you care what she's doing online?

As long as she's still in love with you and with you off-line, anything she does online is just a hobby. It's not cheating if there is nobody else there. :shrug:

It sounds like maybe you're getting possessive. Relationships work best when both people have a little bit of space.

[Pryderi]

32. I found out she's still in touch with the guy she's had an online affair with.

I asked her and she said that yes he's been in touch with her through the email addy I mentioned and has been for about a month.