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Complaint Letter To Proctor And Gamble

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Parche Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-06-08 01:01 PM
Original message
Complaint Letter To Proctor And Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dry-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the
curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, Mr. Thatcher, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control, maniacal behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last
week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought
Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you
of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in Capri pants...

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes
of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f&*%ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager male brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin
and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end
your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out of you're a&*, man! If you just have
to Slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bull#$%^.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

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joneschick Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-06-08 01:11 PM
Response to Original message
1. in the midst of a pms crying jag
you have made me laugh. And I thank you. :hi:
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cloudbase Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-06-08 01:46 PM
Response to Original message
2. Add something about getting rid
of that satanic logo, too.
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Tyler Durden Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-06-08 01:53 PM
Response to Original message
3. You didn't write this, did you?
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triguy46 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Mar-06-08 02:07 PM
Response to Original message
4. Pics??? Esp the maniacs in capris.
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