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"What To Do If Your Heart Stops"
1. Do you remember the first time you went to the skating rink? Couples swirling across the ice cutting flawless arabesques or else, zipping by faster than quarks. You pushed away from the wall, trying to stand on shaky ankles. Such an awkward feeling comes again when your heart stops.
2. People worry that their hearts will stop during orgasm. Actually, it is just after, when your body is cycling through those shadow changes, that your heart is more likely to stop. At least you are already lying down, presumably with someone you love. Make any needful gestures until your beloved calls 911. If, however, you are with your spouse when your heart stops, don't confess your infidelities. If you feel you must say something, see stanza 4.
3. Most heart stoppages occur in the home. Say you are in the kitchen building a crab salad hoagie when suddenly your heart stops. Quickly look around for a safe place to fall down then fall down quickly. What if you are sitting in the living room eating the sandwich and watching Sally Jesse Raphael when your heart stops? Put the sandwich down. Assume airplane crash position.
4. About the last words thing. Unless you have rehearsed for a really long time, you will have to speak off-the-cuff. Best to keep it simple. "We are having exceedingly dry weather for this time of year" is a good thing to say when your heart stops. You may decide to try for something more cryptic. Do you remember any of your high school Latin? Don't say "Rosebud," unless you are in a situation similar to the one described in stanza 2.
5. In general, if your heart stops, press your lips together. Use any needful gestures until your beloved calls 911. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. That awkward feeling will pass, one way or another.
—Floyd Bass
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