I fucking hate my father.

[Pale Blue Dot]

Inside a superficially charming exterior hides a selfish narcissist who can't control his anger, can't admit mistakes, and will never, ever have the love or admiration of his oldest son again.

The parts of me that are most like him are the parts of me I can't stand, and the thing about me that I'm most proud of is my ability to see that very clearly (which is very unlike him).

Fuck you, dad.

Rant off. What a fun Saturday night thread! :woohoo::party:

[Midlodemocrat]

1. .

:hug:

[Pale Blue Dot]

3. Thanks, Midlo.

Tonight has been an emotional roller coaster. I'll be OK. :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

2. That's really sad, Finnfan.

I do understand however. It's his loss.
:hug:

[Pale Blue Dot]

6. You're right: It IS his loss.

But unlike in the movies, he's never going to have that "a-ha" moment when he realizes what a dick he's been to everyone and understands what he's lost.

The best moment of my night came when my son told me that I wasn't like my father at all. I had to choke back the tears.

Thanks, Gormy. :hug:

[pnwmom]

43. Wonderful, Finnfan!

I bet you had some other very loving people in your childhood. I know I did -- also, I wasn't ever my dad's "favorite" -- one of my sisters was -- and that clearly was to my benefit, though it didn't feel so at the time.

[flvegan]

4. Realization is liberation.

I'm sorry that this is your situation, but it could be worse...you could be just like him.

Sorry if that's over the line, but "over the line" is...well, me sometimes.

[Pale Blue Dot]

7. Not over the line at all; see my response to Gormy.

And thanks.

[ThomCat]

5. I'm glad you have that other part of you

that sees all of this in yourself and keeps it in check. :)

My father is very similar. People find him charming, but he uses people, abuses people, and makes everyone around him miserable in the end.
x(

I've worked very hard to retain as very little of his personality traits as possible.

[Pale Blue Dot]

8. "I've worked very hard to retain as very little of his personality traits as possible."

I said almost this exact thing to my son tonight. Thanks, ThomCat. :D

[AlCzervik]

9. I'm Sorry FF.

your Dad sounds an awful lot like my Dad and sometimes i find myself channeling him and then i stop---argh! You aren't him, you got the good parts and you're a compassionate human being.

[Pale Blue Dot]

10. Thanks, chimpsrsmarter,

It's a daily struggle (as I'm sure you're aware), but we'll just continue to do our best. :yourock:

[Generic Brad]

11. It sucks to have a bad relationship with a parent

You have my sympathy.

[Pale Blue Dot]

17. Thank you, Brad.

:toast:

[lightningandsnow]

12. That sucks. I'm really sorry.

:hug: for you.

[Pale Blue Dot]

18. Thank you, AspieGrrl.

:hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. yeah --

I don't hate mine anymore. I just stay away from him. I still have moments, though. :hug:

[Pale Blue Dot]

15. I had stopped hating him and had become merely indifferent,

but tonight involved my son. And now I'm right back to hate.

[pnwmom]

44. I had an incident like that with my MIL, who is also

a narcissist.

Yes, seeing my daughter attacked put me right over the top.

[GOPisEvil]

14. Jeez, how frustrating that must be.

Men should look up to their fathers. I know I do mine. At least your son will be able to look up to you.

:pals:

[Pale Blue Dot]

16. I hope so.

I told my son tonight that all children get mad at their parents for one reason or another; I just hoped that he felt like he could talk about it with me. He said he could, and I hope that's true.

My philosophy of parenting is this: All of my son's failures belong to me. All of his successes belong to him. My father is quite different in that regard.

Thank you, David, as always. :cheers:

[pnwmom]

47. Sounds like you're doing a great job as a father.

Your son is lucky to have you, as you are to have him.

[auntAgonist]

19. I'm so sorry

:(

:hug:


aA

[Bennyboy]

20. Are you my brother?

My Dad is exactly like that. he is so bad that my brother moved to Montana last week just to keep his family away from him.

Anyway. I feel bad for you, I wish I could give you some advice, but I have none to offer.

"Nothing left to do, but smile. smile. smile"....

[democracyindanger]

32. Holy crap, we may all be related.

[hippywife]

21. Gee!

Are you a long lost sibling or what? Exactly how I felt and the same things I've been saying to myself since I returned from a visit home four months ago.

But then time passed and I calmed down. I can't carry around hate for anyone, least of all my father.

But you definitely have my sympathies. :hug:

[Wapsie B]

22. Wow if I didn't know better I'd say you were talking about my father.

Fits him to a T. I am so sorry man. :hug:

[terrya]

23. I wish I could offer you some advice.

I can only offer you this

:hug:

[Tyler Durden]

24. Having known the love and deep respect of my late father, I feel for you.

I could not be more sorry. I haven't had a day (and sometimes an hour) where I do not think of Dad. It's been 17 years.

[mentalsolstice]

25. I don't hate my mom, but...

But she gave me a lot of responsibility for her fucked-up life when I was a little kid. Long story short, her mother committed suicide after they had a big fight...my mom married my dad 2 months later (they had 2 dates before that, and he was the police officer on the scene of my grandmother's death)A year later I was born with complications and eventually diagnosed with cerebral palsy. In a weak moment my mom admitted that she felt my CP was her punishment, yet she's in denial about it, and constantly wants affirmation from me that she's not at fault and has been the most wonderful mom in the world.

I'm in a "hey shit happens, nobody is to blame, deal with it mode." Yet, even today she acts like it's the big furry gorilla in the middle of the room. At weak times she has admitted to feeling responsible for my CP (and she's not, life happens). However, when I was a kid and getting bullied, she blamed me...I wasn't friendly enough, or outgoing, or didn't have pithy comebacks, or it was just my imagination that I was getting picked on. Otherwise, she would have to blame herself, and she didn't want to do that. Fortunately, I survived, I've had a great career, and a most wonderful marriage. Even now, as I experience complications due to aging, she blames me for not being aggressive enough with my Drs. She refuses to Google CP and aging...Or she talks about how her pain is greater than mine.

Over time, I've learned that parents aren't perfect, from dealing with my own parents and my in-laws. As a result, I'm kinda glad I didn't have children of my own.

[laylah]

33. I'm so sorry.

I did that to my oldest, also. I can only say I realized, and acknowledged, it before it was too late. Unlike my Mom who never "got it". :hug:

[pnwmom]

39. My cousin and I both had a truly narcissistic parent and we agreed

it would have made all the difference in the world if our parents had even been able to acknowledge their mistakes and say they were sorry.

I'm so glad you were able to "get it."

[seemunkee]

26. You don't get to pick your parents

You do get to choose who you look up to.
:hug:

[MadHound]

27. Sorry to hear that man, I had much the same problem with my father

Grew up with an untreated bipolar father who took his own personal demons out on me. Verbal abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse, yeah, been there, done that, had the shotgun shoved a couple of times to go on top of it all.

I moved out on my own when I graduated high school, a move that cost me a hell of a lot, but probably saved my life also. I stayed away from my father for years, and cursed oh so much more than his name. But despite despising him, disowning him and not seeing him, I still couldn't escape him, for you see, for better or worse, he was a part of me, as much as your father is a part of you. I saw bits and pieces of what he'd taught me turning up in my life. I also realized that if my father hadn't been the way he was, I wouldn't be the person I am(who I rather like).

But most of all time passed, and that is a healing balm, whether one realizes it or not. My father got older and wiser, and realized that he needed help. He also had a heart attack, nothing like a touch of mortality to change one's life. I matured also, and came to realize that, at least on some topics, my dad wasn't full of shit. Slowly, but surely my father and I made piece with each other, and actually grew to love one another again. When he died, I wept, a bit of a miracle considering that ten years previously I would have been laughing and dancing at the news of his death. In that time my father learned to apologize, and to accept me for me. I learned to forgive, and I'm glad now that I had my dad back for that last ten years of his life.

I realize where you're at now, and I'm not saying that you need to go make nicey nice with your father. Just the opposite, some time apart seems to be in order. But don't make that breach permanent, because you never know what time and wisdom, on his part and yours, will bring.

Peace:hi:

[pnwmom]

40. MadHound, I'm very glad for how things worked out for you

but I think the key thing here is that your dad "learned to apologize, and to accept me for me."

A true narcissist, and they do exist, is incapable of that. Such a person sees his child as nothing more than an extension of himself, and he would no more apologize to his child than to his own foot.

I maintained a regular telephone relationship with my father until his death, and I visited him in person before he died. It was at the last visit that I finally realized why he'd never been able to love me or any of my siblings -- his narcissism made him absolutely incapable of that. We weren't separate people with our own feelings, we were all just reflections of him -- some good, some bad. We were all just actors in his drama, and he was the writer, the producer, and the director.

But again, I'm glad for you that things worked out as they did. I just don't think your dad, as abusive as he was, could have been a narcissist.

[Missy Vixen]

28. I'm sorry I can't give you a hug in person

so I'll have to do it online.

:hug:

My life got a lot better when I finally figured out that my father didn't want us, he didn't want to be a parent at all, and it wasn't my fault.

Your son is a very lucky young man; he's never going to know what it's like to not be loved and/or wanted.

Julie

[Omphaloskepsis]

29. I hate my father too.. I am glad he is dead.

I guess that is what you get for getting drunk and beating your wife and children. I hope we meet in the afterlife. I'm 30 now and would love to beat the shit out of him.

[pnwmom]

41. I pounded on my pillows a lot when I was about your age

getting out the aggression.

Maybe you could get a punching bag?

[grace0418]

30. I'm sorry Finnfan

My mother sounds a lot like your father. And my father enabled her narcissism and rage. :hug:

[Drunken Irishman]

31. I hate my father as well.

Except he has no charming exterior. He's an ass all around. An abusive drunk who treats my mom like shit and spends most of his pathetic life looking down to the bottom of a vodka bottle.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

34. I'm so sorry, Finnfan...

:hug::hug::hug:
I hope one day he'll come around, and see what he's done.
:hug::hug::hug:

[SarahB]

35. More virtual hugs until tomorrow night.

I love you, baby. :hug:

[Zoigal]

36. Sorry that circumstances have made you feel this way.

Some parents can do so much harm to their kids. Hope you don't have
to be around this guy much, Hope you dont feel guilty either, :loveya: z

[WildEyedLiberal]

37. Ugh, is your father my ex?

Callous, arrogant narcissistic blowhard who manages to fool everyone with his charm? Sounds like him to me x(

Seriously, I am sorry. Having people in your life like that is nothing short of toxic. At least I have NO ties to my nasty ex, so he well and truly is out of my life. I hope you can remove his toxicity from your life as much as possible.

[pnwmom]

38. A great paperback on this subject: "Children of the Self-Absorbed"

by Nina Brown.

Finnfan, if you can manage to say "I'm sorry" to your spouse, or your kids, etc. -- when an apology is due -- then you will never be like your father. Everyone has some degree of healthy narcissism, but a pathological narcissist, like your dad (or Bush) can never manage a sincere apology. And wouldn't it make a huge difference to you if he could!

I didn't understand my father's narcissism until a few weeks before he died, when I had a sudden overwhelming insight during my last visit. You are so much better off than I was because you've figured this out already.

I hope you have other people in your life who genuinely love you. I understand that your father is not capable of loving anyone, not even his own children, however charming he may appear to be on the surface. As hard as this may be to swallow, however, the loss to HIM is greater than the loss to you. You don't have the love of a father -- but he's incapable of truly loving and being loved by ANYONE. How sad.

[UndertheOcean]

42. Just accept your father as he is

unconditionally , anger or hate are useless,pointless emotions.

[pnwmom]

45. Not really. Anger is helpful to a child of a narcissist because

it helps him or her to break an emotional connection that can only do harm. Even if they stay in contact, especially if they stay in contact, the child of a narcissist need to learn to protect himself from the narcissistic parent -- and not to repeat the patterns with his own children. Being in touch with the anger helps a great deal with that. Who would want their own children to feel that kind of anger toward themselves?

Eventually, Finnfan may be able to feel more neutral about his father, but that won't happen until his father isn't in a position to hurt him or the grandchildren -- and maybe not until after his death.

[Callalily]

46. It's so sad that so

many of us have had poor fathers. Mine passed away last August. Not one tear was shed. Absolutely no emotion.

I have shrived all my life and have succeeded not to be like either of my parents.

Sending you :hug: :hug: :hug:

[pnwmom]

48. The night before my father's funeral, the priest got the four of us "kids"

together and asked us for nice memories we could share for his sermon the next day.

We all sat there with our mouths hanging open. None of us could think of anything to say. It was so sad.

My father was a very active member of the parish, on the social committee, etc. I've always wondered what the priest thought.

[TZ]

49. Maybe there is hope

For a long time my Father was an selfish, cheap, insensitive (and sometimes racist) bastard who couldn't do anything but criticize criticize criticize. For example I got a 99/100 on a math test in college (something I was proud of, never being a math wizard of any sort) and upon announcing that his first comment was, "what did you get wrong"! AARGH.
But in the last 6 or 7 years, (particularly since he married my stepmother) he has definitely softened. He's not quite as critical, shows his emotions more, says "I love you" on a frequent basis and is not NEARLY as critical. I don't know if its his wife, his age or the fact that he has Parkinson's which has made him confront his mortality (he's an atheist).
So MAYBE there's hope. If not, just do I what I do with my crazy sister. Minimize contact. There is YOUR mental health to think of as well.

[RainDog]

50. ...

:hug:

[Pale Blue Dot]

51. I want to thank everyone for their kind words.

:yourock:

I'm going to try to go back to passive indifference for a while.