A quote about blaming parents for your problems

[Haole Girl]

Something I read today reminded me of a Jack Canfield quote. Many years ago someone gave me several cassette tapes of Jack Canfield. I hope I don't get this quote wrong.

It really helps me, when I want to blame a parent (or both), for all of my problems, to remember what he said. Yes, parents often screw up their children's' lives. But, on the other hand, it is often unintentional... and beyond their control.

This is what he said:

It's not as if your parents woke up each morning and said to themselves, 'What can I do to screw up my child's life today.'

[PeaceNikki]

1. That's right. HOWEVER, there are plenty of parents who give nary a thought as to how they can help

their kids. And nary a thought as to how what they do does screw up their children's lives.

Therein lies the problem.

*disclaimer, this is not about MY parents but about the man who's hardly more than a sperm donor to mine.

[Haole Girl]

2. I hear you

:hug:

[Chovexani]

10. I work in financial aid

And I see it everyday. :(

[raccoon]

47. That's a big 10-4. nt

[devilgrrl]

3. Uh, there are times where I wondered if my mother thought that.

If so, she certainly acted on it!

[Haole Girl]

4. Hopefully not

It did take counseling for me to learn how truly troubled my own mother was... because of her parents.

[mitchum]

5. They fuck you up, your mum and dad...

They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

[Haole Girl]

7. Interesting...

Read this in wikipedia.

The title of the poem is an allusion to Robert Louis Stevenson's Requiem, which also contains familiar lines:

Under the wide and starry sky,
Dig the grave and let me lie.
Glad did I live and gladly die,
And I laid me down with a will.
This be the verse you grave for me:
Here he lies where he longed to be;
Home is the sailor, home from sea,
And the hunter home from the hill.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/This_Be_The_Verse

[Radio_Lady]

33. Hi KC2 -- We are now the parents who did the screw-ups... and

apologized for not being perfect and not doing better by them.

Out of the five kids, three forgave us, two did not. We are estranged from those who wanted it that way.

Mother's Day -- Daddy Al with all five children


As far as my own imperfect and now deceased parents, the most comforting thing I can tell myself is -- I wish I had been more loving to them, because they did the best they could, given the circumstances and their different personalities. Perhaps they played ping-pong with their lives, and I was the little ball. I did have a better childhood than most other people in the world, because I had enough food, clothes, medical and dental care, and always a nice homes to live in.

Mommy, Daddy and me (painted Florida backdrop in the 1940s)



We hope we are doing better with the children who want to be close to us.

We KNOW we're doing MUCH better with our grandchildren!

In peace,

Radio Lady

OT: Hope you've readjusted to being away from Maui! Getting home is tough, but nice. How was the flight?

[Haole Girl]

36. Thanks R_L

I have readjusted... better than the last time, I think, thanks. This time, the actual leaving was more difficult. I almost had a panic attack. It's as if part of me thinks I won't be able to go back... but I'm not sure why.

The flight was exhausting. I have a difficult time sleeping when someone next to me wants to talk all night... and I sat next to a motor mouth! lol

[Radio_Lady]

38. Carry earplugs and an eyeshade in your purse the next time. Or pretend you don't speak English.

I did that once a long time ago, because I wanted to rest. You can also tell the seat companion you are not feeling well and you're just too ill and tired to continue the conversation.

However... if the truth be told, usually I AM THE MOTORMOUTH!

West to east flights are particularly difficult. Honolulu to LA/SF California and then on to Boston -- used to KILL me, and I was decades younger then! I don't know how the crew does that stuff day after day.

Welcome home to the MAINLAND!

Radio Lady Ellen

[raccoon]

48. "And don't have any kids yourself." And that's what I did. nt

[Haole Girl]

49. Same here. It's the best way to end the cycle. nt

[Fire Walk With Me]

6. Stupid orphans.

[Haole Girl]

8. Wow

Not my intention, at all, here. Just giving some food for thought.

[Fire Walk With Me]

9. Sorry, just riffing on the unimaginably awful film "Battlefield Earth".

I've seen a parent pick up a small child in public and shout into their face "DO YOU WANT TO DIE!?"

I have compassion for those who are hurting, cannot deal with it, and turn it upon others in frustration, etc., but there -are- parents who get a kick out of causing harm. It's important to stay positive, as you posted, but it's also important to not ignore any genuine problems.

Sorry to have ruffled your feathers. Mine obviously still need smoothing.

[Haole Girl]

11. No worries

I'm still in a mellow mood from Hawaii (considering all that's happened since my return). But, I was surprised at the intensity of your post.

As always, nothing is as simple as it seems... or, as simple as I wish it could be.

[Fire Walk With Me]

12. I -am- intense, especially when it comes to making sure that people are equally free.

But I am not as intense as the man who screamed that into his terrified. child's face.

[Haole Girl]

13. What did you do when you saw that?

I'm sure I wouldn't have just walked away.

[Fire Walk With Me]

14. I flashed to the abuse that I'd endured (which I obviously still need to forgive).

I stared and hoped that everyone involved got better really soon. The man looked quite ready for a fist fight and was bigger than me (I'm no fighter). I couldn't think of anything to say that would have helped. Now, with far less fear in me, I would have said something, anything, just to plant a seed that it was beyond unacceptable.

He was obviously a recipient of the same treatment, so I feel compassion for him. And for the child, who I hope will be the one to break the cycle of abuse.

[Haole Girl]

15. You are smarter than I

Many times, I have shouted back or said something right then and there. In fact, I started to in Hawaii, but my husband stopped me. There was a young surfer screaming, "Stupid fucking tourists!!!" over & over at the top of his lungs. I wanted to sit and talk with him a bit... and tell him I understood his rage, etc. My husband said, "NO... he's drinking." Then I noticed the wrinkled paper bag in the young man's hand.

I have not doubt my mouth (and stupidity) will get me killed, some day, long before old age.

[Fire Walk With Me]

18. As there are an over-abundance of injured people wandering around, looking for people to injure

so that someone will then understand -their- pain, yes, you can easily find yourself in a dangerous position if you try hard enough.

[DarkTirade]

16. Ever since I went off to college

and talked to a whole bunch of new people my age about their parents I stopped complaining about mine. :)

They sure as hell weren't perfect, but they did what they could.

[Haole Girl]

17. Funny you should say that

My older sister told me, once, she didn't realize our family was dysfunctional until she went off to college.

[DarkTirade]

When you're around the same people in high school

it's hard to see what else is out there and how yours compares.

But when you talk to all new people, especially once you're off in college and away from your family and therefore capable of looking in from the outside, you'll realize a whole lot.

[Radio_Lady]

35. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood."

Although there were grievous errors made by my parents, I never stopped being a child myself -- learning, growing, changing, doing.

"Above all, to thine own self be true."

Plus, at the end of the child-rearing period, most of us couples are just the two of us.

Children leave and are involved in their own lives. That is as it should be.

We did a heroic thing to be different from our parents. We moved 2,500 miles to follow one of our daughters and her husband -- with a son not too far away. Now we have two families, plus their respective in-law families, and four adorable grandkids who live in the west. One grandson in Boston is turning 19 years old on Wednesday, February 6, He's across the country, but he's been out to visit us twice. It's clear he loves us very much, even at this distance!

[ThomCat]

19. "Of course your family knows how to push all your buttons.

They installed them."
:P

[Haole Girl]

20. Ha-ha!

Good one! :D

[Generic Brad]

21. I have no problem with how my parents raised me

It's how they treated me after I grew up that keeps me pissed off.

[Haole Girl]

22. Really!

Sounds like there is a story there.

[Generic Brad]

23. It's a typical story

Boy meets foreign girl. Boy falls in love with foreign girl. Boy marries foreign girl. Family can't handle it.

Boy becomes Democrat. Boy becomes atheist. Boy told all would be ok if he went to church, voted Republican, and divorced wife of many years. Boys family can sit on it and spin.

[Haole Girl]

24. I am familiar with that story!

My step monster refused to come to my wedding. We were married in the Catholic church (instead of the lake I wanted as the location) to try to please my husband's parents in India (who canceled their appearance at the last minute). Years later, they had the nerve to tell one of his sisters were "weren't really married" because we didn't have a full mass. :-(

[Generic Brad]

25. I was told I'm not really married either!

If the INS, the IRS, and the federal government recognize my marriage, that's good enough for me.

[Haole Girl]

28. Exactly!

:hi:

[CBHagman]

41. Oh, not that again.

:grr: I can't get over how many variations I've heard on that particular story, from the couple who decided God hadn't joined them (because they were not married in the church) to my own grandparents, who had a mixed marriage (Protestant wed to Catholic) at a time when such things created more of a stir than they do these days. The priest heard their vows but wouldn't bless the ring.

I'm sorry you had to put up with that treatment.

[Haole Girl]

42. It all worked out

Fewer in-law problems. I still have not met his parents & it's been 14 years!

Oh, btw, we got our rings blessed even though it was an abbreviated mass. Ironically, I consider it one of the reasons I've never permanently lost my wedding ring! If you knew me, you might believe that too! lol :hi:

[Radio_Lady]

37. We had a Jewish son who called us one day to announce he was going to be baptized as a Mormon.

At first, we were outraged. Then, we settled down and thought, "Do we want to be like the protagonist Tevye in 'Fiddler on the Roof' and say the prayer for the dead because he changed his religion?"

We called him back and gave him our blessings. My Mormon daughter-in-law is one of the sweetest and most wonderful women in the world. She loves my son, and has given us two beautiful grandsons.

Brad, I would have welcomed you and your wife, and saluted the differences. Oh, by the way, one son married a lapsed Italian Catholic woman, but then remarried (religion, if any, unknown). One daughter married a German Protestant, one daughter married an Irish Catholic. The daughter who lives closest to us is a Conservative Jew who keeps all the traditions, but married to a fellow who is really more Reform Jewish than she is.

It's been an interesting ride. I take my grandkids to a spiritual place with the Unitarian/Universalist fellowship a few miles away. We go for the pancake breakfast (with sausage, which these little kids are now allowed to eat outside the home). This place welcomes anyone who comes, with no hint of prejudice. The family services are conducted in English. One granddaughter exclaimed, "Grandma, your 'shul' (synagogue) is much more fun than ours."


http://www.whuuf.org

Sorry to hear that your parents are not the ecumenical equivalent of our interesting -- and different -- family.

Blessed be,

Radio Lady Ellen

[Generic Brad]

39. I'm very happy being in permanent exile

No more forced gatherings. No more insults. No more racist remarks. No more criticizing every little choice we make in out lives.

Holidays are fun again. We go where we want on vacation. My marriage has improved because the outside pressure is gone. It's nice to not have anyone call me a freak for being conservative in appearance and liberal at heart.

[Radio_Lady]

40. Here's a hug from a very liberal grandmotherly lady in Oregon!

:hug:

CU@theDU

We're going to watch Penelope Cruz in "Volver" --

'Bye for now.

[libodem]

26. Oh huh

I'm sure mine did.

[Haole Girl]

29. Sorry to hear that

:hug:

[libodem]

32. thanks KC2

it's not that bad, although I did come from a seriously dysfunctional family. My poor mother is still trying to drive me crazy.

[Orrex]

27. Well, the person who hit the accelerator instead of the brake

Probably didn't wake up that morning and ask himself "How can I kill two dozen pedestrians today?"


It's not enough that someone simply not try to screw up somebody else. I mean, the road to hell, and all that.


But in the dynamic between parent and child, one is nominally supposed to be the adult. Though that doesn't mean that the child is later free to blame the adult for all (or most) subsequent problems, it's still important not to let the adult off the hook for what is, frankly, his or her primary responsibility.

[Haole Girl]

30. Agreed. nt

[Rabrrrrrr]

31. Well said. Parental behavior can help us understand how we are who we are,

but it's still our choice to be what we are now.

Too many people confuse "I act this way because my parents acted thus and so" (which can lead to "but that's not healthy, so I am doing it different") with "my parents acted thus and so, and so therefore you have to excuse my behavior" which leads to "I'm going to remain the same, because it's up to you to applaud my status as a victim and let me act how I want because it's not under my control".

Obviously, in extreme cases, this does not apply - the incredibly abusive and so on, that more than likely will require years of therapy to get to the point of being able to choose to act differently.

[Haole Girl]

34. Thanks for seeing the point

And, as we've seen, there are obvious exceptions.

[Inchworm]

43. but.. but..

I do blame my parents for my upbringing!

:evilgrin:

[Haole Girl]

46. Well, I do too.. when you put it like that.

:hi:

[CreekDog]

44. Chris Elliot's did

[Haole Girl]

52. Did they?

:shrug:

[Writer]

45. You know, I really don't think that many people blame their parents for all of their problems.

However, I do think that as a person grows, encounters the real world with some incredible difficulty, that they must then go back to discover what went wrong. Typically the people involved are the parents.

[Haole Girl]

53. I just seem to hear it, a lot, as an excuse...

and it got me thinking.

[Writer]

58. Well, what bothers me personally are people who mistreat others as an adult...

then go around to their "friends" telling about how hard they had it as a child.

I've been in a situation where someone has mistreated me. When I mentioned it to one of the person's friends, the person told me, "Oh, you don't understand her. She's had it rough."

I've had it very rough as a child, and I do my best to make sure I don't shit on others because of it.

I think there's a particular point when a person is responsible for his or her behavior.

[av8rdave]

50. Funny...there are several things my parents did that I vowed I would NEVER do if I had kids

And I'm proud that I stuck to that. However, I'm sure I made plenty of mistakes all by myself in the process of parenting. We do the best we can, and in retrospect usually realize we screwed some things up along the way.

I should add...my parents were great parents, IMO. There were just a couple of things they did that I decided I wouldn't.

[Haole Girl]

54. Good for you...

for sticking to it.

[Deep13]

51. I'm sorry, but that's exactly how it was. nt

[Haole Girl]

55. That must have been horrible

:hug:

[alphafemale]

56. Yeah. I really do think my parents did the best they knew how to do.

They both came from absolute nightmares.

My father was absolutely brilliant and completely self educated. His mother died fairly early in his life. His father forced him to quit school before he got through high school. If my father had been allowed to live to his full potential, there's no telling what he might have been able to achieve.

Instead, he worked in a steel mill for over forty years. He lost most of one of his hands to that mill too. But, he kept on working for several years after that accident.

It's was not until I was an adult, that I fully understood how much it must have crushed his spirit to go into that damn mill every day for over 40 years.


My mother's father died when she was young. There was no insurance. This was during The Great Depression. She had to quit school at 14 and go to work to help the family stay alive. She especially mourned her father as he called her his "Little Princess." I think she searched the rest of her life for such acknowledgment and never found it.

Yeah. They really did do the best they knew how.

They certainly gave me better than they'd been given.

Yeah. My childhood still pretty much sucked.

But they did all right, considering.

[kwassa]

57. some parents do wake up wanting to screw up their child's life today

those who see their kids as extensions and subservient to themselves, those who have major unresolved psychological issues of their own. Abuse is often cyclic in families, with abusees becoming abusers when they get old enough and big enough to do that.

[TrogL]

59. That's pretty much what they did

They would wake up and say to themselves "what can I do today to screw my my child's life so he will embrace conservatism"?