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Trust me. This is funny. Truth be more entertaining than fiction.
"A Celebrity's Wake" by Wiley
I didn't really know the dearly departed. Well we did chat on the phone once last Spring. A really nice guy. However he was my room mate "Sharon's" best friend in the world.
That's why we had to trek fifty miles on down south to the City in order to celebrate his life. I drop Sharon outside the Funeral home and find parking a block away in Chinatown. Only the highest upper lot is available. My youngest dog is with me on this clear day but the heat isn't strong enough to make him uncomfortable. I pour the good boy some water and crack all four windows.
Problem: My only black jacket is covered with white friggin lint. Not acceptable! Must ask Sharon to take special care the next time she does the wash. Or dry clean it myself. I refuse to go hob knobbing with these L/A and international freaks during their grief with a spotted black jacket. Luckily for me there is a roll of two inch black tape in the back. Takes the lint off after nearly ten minutes but sure takes some hard labor.
Finally I look at least passable for the event. Just want to blend in and not make a fuss: The ceremony is to help Sharon. It ain't about me.
Can't reveal the dearly departed man's name at the moment. So let's just call him "Dave". Not to appear mysterious here or anything but to avoid complications at home. Merely want to review the conditions of the particular day. Might have to switch a few names and dates here and there. For confidentiality. Will only mention that it was fairly recent though.
And all of this is true i swear on a stack of bibles.
Actually you probably wouldn't know the man by name but a whole ton of famous rockers do. The man made the careers of many many rock musicians behind the scenes. A confident, commanding personality with a never ending supply of capital and the desire to take partying to the limit.
The last two are pretty much all a man really needs on his resume to succeed in the glamorous world of music and show biz. At least to get a foot in the door mingling with the "beautiful people" that is.
Still is actually.
My room mate met him decades ago because she was a really fine babe back in the day.
"Back in the day" that was all a woman needed to get a foot in the door mingling with the "beautiful people".
Still is actually.
The chapel is filled with English rockers, former groupies and their wives. The musicians wives that is. Down front is my favorite Dee Jay from back in the late 1960's. Always wanted to meet him after all these decades. There are other San Franciscan and international notables there too. Tell ya later.
I mingle a bit but am concerned mostly about Sharon. Bump the fact that there's a dozen major celebrities at hand: A beloved man has died and that trumps the foolish notion of autograph seeking and other selfish stupid crap. Besides there will be a gathering for dinner and such down the street after the memorial. Better time to mingle then. What's the hurry? I slap myself for even thinking thoughts of fawning all over these people. Show some dignity Wiley! I do. Or try hard. At least by my own standards anyway.
The gallery proceeds to mention all the wonderful aspects of the man's life. His generosity, kindness and self LESS ness. That and the fact that he kept his least well to do and lesser known friends just as close to him as he did the publishers of major magazines. As good a friend to a pauper as to a king.
Now that's a champ of a man. Wish I'd had the time to know him better. Well it's too late now and certainly not my fault.
He also party-ed way too hard and at least a bit too long. Catches up with a body after a spell. Still took him a bit into his sixth decade though. A fairly long life considering the chemicals and night life.
A child of the Sixties he was.
We leave the funeral home and tramp on down to the Joe Dimaggio's Restaurant for the reception. Nice place. Joe would have liked it. The food and beverage pass generously. Sharon introduces me to my childhood idol Dee Jay and I finally get to meet the face behind the sound of the Top Forty on AM radio out of Washington DC in 1968 - 1972. I was a kid then listening to his show and much impressed. We talk about familiar haunts around one of my several hometowns: Rockville MD.
I'm very sorry he lost his friend and yet it's a real trip to meet this very cool cat. His wife is sweet and close friends still with Sharon.
Until today I kind of took Sharon's name dropping all with a grain of salt. You know how it is: A lot of us kind of puff ourselves up at times. Or we did until we grew out of it. As a musician I've met so many B/S artists along the way that I really don't believe ANYTHING until seeing it.
However after I see a photo of Sharon in her younger days with Mick, Keith and the rest of the Stones I almost faint. Why didn't she show me these before? I never would have doubted her. Well because those kinds of pics are copyright protected. With the photographer now dead they could fall into more hands. So we think anyway.
Again vain thoughts creep in. Always think of the important stuff Lee: A man has died. Sure the people here are interesting and that's part of the reason why i write this. However Sharon and her friends are suffering and yet still trying to put on a happy face. Everyone is drinking heavily. Except for me as I'm going to drive us back home to Santa Rosa later.
Speaking of which: Ever watch the movie "The Wedding Crashers"? The one starring Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson? No they are not here but the women at the wake are acting like those uninhibited gals in the fictional movie. Something about a wedding and ESPECIALLY a Wake that makes women temporarily REALLY lose their moral compass in the physical sense. 'Nuff said.
I'm over fifty and not the man i used to be but swear I'm getting the eye from half the women in this joint. Naturally I would like to think it's because of me but really it's just the moment. So Strange! My favorite Dee Jays wife is giving me an almost too bright smile. Man shes' hot! Right in front of my friend Sharon!.
I catch a stern look from my child hood idol. Not to fear pal. You DA MAN! I still have a few morals myself left. Not many but some. I wouldn't lay a hand on another friend's wife. Maybe someone else's but not a friend's.
ESPECIALLY not my childhood idol's woman.
Man, this has been a strange day!!!
We leave for the Irish coffee restaurant "O'Reilly's" around the corner. Right across from the funeral home. I recollect that back some near thirty years ago I was playing union gigs at Chinese funerals right out of this joint. My how the time passes.
Now I feel it: That sickening feeling of playing a really bad gig just because you need the money. The Chinese funeral reminded me of those days. I like good gigs, and I like good paying jobs. Naturally. However i do not like bad gigs or mean musicians on the job. Just the memory of my former full time professional days behind the horn (so long ago) makes my stomach yearn for half a pack of Rolaids and a couple Valium.
I decide to analyze myself. Like If the gig is fun i am happy whether paid or not. But if the gig is truly bad I hate myself just for being there. To everything a season.
Like in the bible at ecclesiastes:
And a time
to every purpose under heaven
A time to gain
A time to lose
A time to rend
A time to sew
A time for love
A time for hate
A time for peace
I swear it's not too late
Self indulgence again: Must take care of Sharon.
She is now seated at the table with the other folks getting drunker and more drunk. I do not imbibe. Jeez these women are looking for physical relief! Ain't joking boys! Have had my share over the years but had i been a man of lower scruples I'd have sat outside of funeral homes all day and night. In my younger days that is...
It is friggin unreal the way women get at these affairs. Just mind blowing. I get like the phone numbers of SIX WOMEN in just one hour. WITHOUT EVEN ASKING!!!
Sharon doesn't mind. Me? I'm just trying to be a good sport. Seriously!
And I hardly even knew the dearly departed. Now surely he would have thought me a total fool for leaving the party early. However Sharon is drunk and my dog, (remember my dog?). Yeah well he's still up in the parking lot top floor. I have checked on him three times during our wake and reception so he's cool. However i can't just up and leave him there all night. Not for some kinky quick nookie or nothing.
This is a day of sorrow after all. So I really can't think about physical attraction matters now. Doesn't seem right. Call me old fashioned if you want, but i just don't feel right about it.
Besides what's the hurry?
Wiley just picked up six phone numbers of the "Banger Sisters".
But then it hits me. Really HARD...
These people loved "Dave". A lot. His spirit is in the air. You can feel it. Am so glad I kept my mind, and eyes on the priorities.
Except for I nearly run out of gas on the way home and completely drive through one red light. Cold stone sober too. Glad I didn't get caught by the cops.
I must have been thinking about the six "Banger Sister's".
What a day. What a day!
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