In celebration of: Steven Wright! - Democratic Underground

riverdeep

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Sun Nov-04-07 06:08 PM
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In celebration of: Steven Wright!

What an odd, original comedian that guy is. Here's a few of his nuggets of tortured observations:

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. (one for the chemists)

What's another word for Thesaurus?

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

His stuff is all over the web if you want (or can handle) more.