I know many of you think you are suffering from deaths, wounds, etc. - but I'm REALLY suffering.

[Rabrrrrrr]

I decided tonight, I don't know why, that I wanted to read in the south wing library. It's been probably a year since I was in that one - normally, I have one of the librarians just bring me books, and I hang out and read in the east wing upper library, where my favorite fireplace is.

Well, I go to the south wing, and hie myself to the library - I love that library, because that's where I keep the leather-bounds, and I was reminded on the way in of how much I love the smell of that room and I realized I really should go there more often instead of having the books delivered.

Well, anyway, it being a sort of hot yet friendly Thursday evening, I poured myself a snifter of Yann Fillioux's Timeless cognac, of which I procured a world-envying 720 bottles, lit up one of my 1937 La Coronas that my grandfather put down while he was busy in WWII serving his country by risking overheating his boat motor hauling Cuban cigars into Florida, and pulled down my favorite edition of Aedes Walpolianae.

And - as God is my witness - it HADN'T BEEN DUSTED. Probably not in the last TWO DAYS. It was awful! I pulled it down, looked at my right index finger, and IT WAS SMUDGED WITH DUST.

Well, I threw everything in the fire and had that housing sector's "maid" immediately dismissed.

My heart is beating so hard right now from the fear and surprise, I fear for my very life. I just had to post it here, because I know you of DU will totally understand my suffering, and let those other whiners know how inconsequential their "pain" is.

Oh, God, please, someone, hug me.

:cry: :scared: :cry:

I feel so cold...

:cry:

[The Straight Story]

1. A hug for ya....

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

2. Oaf! Pantywaist! You know not what suffering is!

[greatauntoftriplets]

3. You didn't have her hanged, drawn and quartered????

You're losing your edge. Going soft.

:eyes:

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. "Draw and quarter another servant and you'll face a fine!" says the last judge.

Hmmph.

Used to be that we who provided jobs were treated with respect.

[greatauntoftriplets]

10. I have entirely given up on human staff.....

and acquired a phalanx of carefully programmed robots who now serve my needs excellently. Well, except for one. The person who programs said robots is human, but he prefers to live in the sub-basements and post disruptive things on conservative websites when I don't require his services. He is happy with that (so far) and a daily supply of White Castle sliders (!!!), which my robotic chauffeur is happy to procure for dear Igor. Yes, a robotic chauffeur and not a single nick on the vintage Roller.

[matcom]

4. i picked my nose

and my index fingernail is long.

OUCH!

:cry:

oh and my mother-in-law is staying with us and my sister-in-law is prepping for her wedding...

WHICH ISN'T FOR OVER A FUCKING YEAR!

die lucky one!

just die

[Rabrrrrrr]

13. I think you might win this battle, then.

Mother-in-law AND a bridezilla to deal with.

:scared::scared::scared::scared:

[datasuspect]

5. as i am wont to say

it's hard to find reliable help.

a gentleman's gentleman for valet. good luck.

an impeccable, comely imported team of scullery-maidens and housekeepers. is knowing french too much to ask? alas, the vulgar are so indecorous. it's finding the rare piece of desirable corn in a pile of steaming proletarian shit that keeps hope living.

[XemaSab]

6. It's the elusive nature of that piece of corn

that necessitates that I seek help from young ladies of good breeding who have recently fallen on hard circumstances.

Why should they marry men of modest fortune and be mistresses of their own households when they can work for me? :shrug:

[Rabrrrrrr]

8. You, sir, are a true philanthropist.

You make me cry with good cheer, to know that someone of means is sacrificing himself raise up the stature of certain girl childs whose fathers have failed them.

I assume that you have the decency not to actually speak to them, though?

[XemaSab]

9. That's what Mrs. Winford, the housekeeper, is for.

:eyes:













































:eyes:

[deucemagnet]

11. You had a snifter of Yann Filloux's Timeless cognac with a 1937 La Caronas???

Pfff!!! Savage.

[KitchenWitch]

12. God damned elitists!

:P

[zanne]

14. "Nobody knows the trouble I've seen..." nt