Questions about porn and relationships

[rene moon]

In response to Chilly's thread, I thought to start one for those who are in the girlfriend's shoes.

I am so defensive about porn. I got so upset about it that my husband threw it away. But now I wonder if getting upset about ti was the wrong thing to do.

Mu husband was hiding it from me and I found it on the computer one day. Now, I know that it supposedly "has nothing to do with me" but I want real answer. Why do men like porn so much and why do you seem to need it?

Just thinking about it makes me cry and I feel as if I am the ugliest woman on Earth. I sometimes think about letting my husband go and find another woman who isn't quite as psycho.

I love sex and having sex with my husband. We've evn watched a video or two together but the thought of him watching it by himself bothers me and weirdly enough turns me on. Why that is, I don't know.

I try very hard to look good and am constantly changing my clothes, hair, shoes but nothing ever seems to change the way I feel.

Can someone shed some very much needed light for me? Thanks

[DBoon]

1. I'll try

its a primitive response to certain visual stimuli, having nothing to do with real women. It doesn't even represent any sort of ideal woman either. It is an abstraction designed to raise certain instinctive responses - like the way violent action films do for primitive "fight or flight" responses.

Porn represents an ideal woman only to someone who hasn't seen many real women. Your husband does not seem to be in this category.

Think of it as a strange sort of drug.


It wouldn't be your fault if your husband drank too much, either

[Dirk39]

2. Having nothing to do with real women???

This sounds too easy, much too easy for me. Porn is obsessed with reality and realism to a really obscene extent. In a way it's the principle of realism in art. It's obsessed with facts and proof. Just think of the role sperm has in porn as an absolute proof for being real, for not being faked, for orgasm. Stating that it has nothing to do with real women seems to me an easy way out. Instead of thinking about and reflecting that relation, you just simply wipe it away.
Greetings from Germany,
Dirk

[rene moon]

3. Well, if men always wanted to "every woman naked"

then why get married?

[newyawker99]

9. Congrats rene moon!! 400 posts

:toast:

[rene moon]

40. Thanks!

:)

[chaska]

4. 2 cents

A man's natural instinct is to polinate every flower. Thus porn. Think of it as cheater prevention. The difference is that he *loves* you. Don't feel threatened.

[SOteric]

5. When you

read romantic fiction, a love story in a magazine or see a romantic comedy in the theatre, does it mean you don't love your husband just as he is?

[orangecoloredapple]

6. sounds to me like you need to look within to lessen confusion

you like - you get turned on - you are bothered by?

clear up in your own head what is correct for you - then question.

[supernova]

7. At one time, I would have been upset

about porn. No more.

In my 20s ---> to, I'd say about mid 30s I'd be upset about porn. I'd think: "I'm not good enough, I'm not attractive enough. I'm not enough."

And I would have believed it.

The truth is men need visual stimuli. It's as basic as the neccesecity for food and water. Why put all that pressure on yourself to be all things to him 24/7? The truth is, you will never be. And he will never be all things to you 24/7 either. He will never be that all-patient, all-wise listener that we women all long for.

He can, however, listen for whatever troubles you. And you must make him feel good for listening to you, for being the sounding board who lets you get things off your chest. He may have a solution, he may not. But let him feel good for listening to you. At their core, decent men really do want to make you happy, you know.

The truth is you are enough, whatever your shape. It doesn't matter whether you are overweight, topheavy, or too skinny. Whatever your sexual interests, innocent as they may seem, you are enough.

Believe it! :D :7

[Iris]

12. can't men get enough visual stimuli in every day life?

I mean, it's everywhere. Commercials, billboards. I can't tell you how much female flesh I see daily just going about my business.

Personally, I'd much rather my husband be attracted to real, women, who have as much chance of being bossy, bitchy, flawed, demanding as I am. And it wouldn't hurt if he admired them for other non-physcial characteristics as well - such as ambition, intelligence, forthrightness.

[ACK]

22. In a word -- No.

Being bombarded with sex images in advertisements and popular media only feeds the lust to see more naked women.

It is not the same as when you settle in to take things in hand and masturbate. Whoever the man (or woman) is that chooses you as a partner is already attracted to a real woman. That is not the point.

We are very visual in terms of the types of stimulation towards sex.

There are times in private when a man (and many women by the stats) like to sit back and be totally self-absorbed and masturbate. It is a nice release to everyday tension. (Helps me have a sounder sleep if normal daily tension is wearing on me.)

Toward that bit of masturbatory goal it is nice to look at nude woman. Yes, a straight guy finds naked woman stimulating. The human body is beautiful and sexy and porn does accentuate the aspects of female beauty that men "get off" on.

Not only that, but I will take it that one step further. The act of sex is beautiful as well. Visual beasties that we are we like watching people have sex.

What the hell is so wrong with that?

As long as the man is not trying to remake you into some odd sex fantasy. As long as the man is attentive and caring to you, what does it matter that he looks at porn while he masturbates?

[Iris]

36. I guess my point is

that some of the images women might find threatening are of women who are deemed "perfect" by some great unknown. It just seems to me that if you are bombarded by this "perfection" and choose to immerse yourself in it, couldn't you, at some point, begin to expect that in real life and find regular women sadly lacking?

I had a friend whose boyfriend broke up with her because he "really wanted a skinny girlfriend" and her 5'5", 130 pound self just didn't cut it.

[VelmaD]

37. that's the kind of guy...

that you dump just on general principle. She's better off without him.

I'm not sure the women in porn qualify as "perfect". Having seen quite a lot of them some of them are, frankly, a little scary looking. Expecially in this day and age of amateur porn.

-V-

[Iris]

41. yeah, I now what you mean.

And I'm not all together against porn, just a little ambivalent.

But as far as the guy - he'll probably never be happy. I can't imagine being a guy and not liking breasts and hips, but that' s just me (because I like 'em and I'm not a guy!).

[VelmaD]

8. It seems to me...

that you have some issues that have nothing at all to do with porn. You say you're making all these personal changes (clothes, shoes, etc) but they aren't changing the way you feel about yourself - maybe you should consider getting some professional help if possible because it sounds like you have self-esteem issues to work through. That whole thing about letting your husband go to find someone less "psycho" also worries me.

If you're making these "changes" to try to be more attractive to this guy then no change is ever going to make you feel better. You have to be doing it for yourself.

Finally, on the subject of porn. Why do men like porn? Because neked women are beautiful. I have a lot of guy friends and this is their general consensus - women are beautifully put together and they like to look at us. And not just those airbrushed, silicon-injected, "perfect" women either. They like just about any woman, especially if she's naked.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.

Darth Velma

[ACK]

10. Porn is just visual masturbation

A guy is very visually stimulated. My wife for example prefers the sex stories in the forum style section of a porn mag while I might enjoy it occasionally and stick with the pictures. It is not about not wanting to have sex with you. It is about the same thing that masturbation is about -- fantasy and getting off. Both are important. Just because I have a sex fantasy or look at some nude pictures on the web does NOT mean that I want to have sex with that woman or cheat on my wife.

Besides, people never say this so I will have the guts to put on the line.

The human body is beautiful and sexy and the act of sex itself is beautiful as well as sexually stimulating.

As long as we are talking consenting adults here, I have NO problem with porn and watching people in the act of or actually having sex.

The body is beautiful and so is sex and we are sexual creatures and that is a turn on!

What the hell is so wrong with that?

What is wrong with finding that sexually stimulating and masturbating to it?

The real key and this is very, very, very important.

Does he ignore you?

Does he show no interest in sex and then turns around and masturbates all the time?

Those are signs of real problems in a relationship. Not the masturbation or the looking at nudie or even sex pictures on the web.

Just my 2 cents and all that.

[Loonman]

11. From the dark side

Quick note to ladies--------Our(men's) fascination with porn has nothing to do with our current relationship(s). It is part of our lifestyle. It is one of the things we do, like drink beer after mowing the lawn, sticking our hand down the front of our trousers while watching TV, cursing at the drive-thru squawk box. It just is. It is just what we do.

[TrogL]

13. There's a certain amount of biochemistry involved

Men get a kick out of looking at porn. It's actually a jolt of adrenaline that has a side effect of a kick of seratonin that makes you feel good.

The problem is, seratonin is addictive, so if that's your sole method of getting your seratonin fix, you've got problems.

Given the choice between pictures and the real thing, I'd rather have the real thing.

[hippiechick]

14. i sometimes think

it appeals to a wierd 'i wonder what that feels like' mechanism men have ---- because porn almost always focuses in on the woman's face & reactions, moans and groans .... sometimes you don't even see what the guy LOOKS like !!

it's almost as if men get off on imagining what it would feel like to be on the receiving end ...


... not to mention the 'groase out factor' that all 8th grade boys are consumed with "ohmigod i can't believe she DID that!!'


JMHO.


:hippie:

[zizzer]

15. Two points I think need a little attention

1) "My husband was hiding it from me"

This is a problem. The hiding part of this situation shows either a lack of trust or someone trying to decieve the other.

2) "weirdly enough turns me on"

I can see the dificulty here and I think it's something you're gonna need to work out.

My suggestion to you is to take control of the situation. Make him show you what he looks at, after the fact and in purely a clinical sort of way. Do it very matter of fact almost the attitude of checking your kids homework. "Show me this." "I don't like that" "Where else are the files stored on the PC". Another suggestion would be to plan some fun around it while still keeping control of the situation. Have him look at the porn while from another room or closer (wink) he...um..enjoys himself and observe him and what he does and or likes or reacts too. Let him squirm a bit, this won't be entirely comforatable for either of you even if you have done similar things in the past.

By taking control of the situation you turn the tables. No more hiding. No more lies. YOU give permission on YOUR terms and with YOUR conditions. Now, you are in control of the situation. You are the one who sets the limits, YOU are the one who says continue or stop.

Who knows, he may find he doesn't like it so much with the element of secracy removed and you may find that you like it with the element of control added.

Just think how happy a hubby you could make by coming home with a new DVD or video, a bag from the pakage store of whatever it is he likes to drink and a promise of a new and different experience.

You never know what you will like until you try it.

Zizzer, I hope that all made sense and didn't come off as some weird Internet fantasy...

[TrogL]

16. Just a suggestion

If there's kids in the house, make sure he's got security on the directory its stored in. It should be "hidden" (for all the good that does - most software ignores the attribute and displays it anyway) and accessible only from his account (read/write) and yours (read-only or read-write if you want edit/censor capabilites). Right click the folder, go to properties and turn off "everyone"'s read-write priveleges. Create new priveleges for the other accounts.

Otherwise the kids can browse it.

Also, each time somebody looks at it, you need to clean out your "recent" folder, so raunchy filenames don't show up. It's usually in c:\Documents and Settings\\Recent.

[zizzer]

18. Good points

Children weren't mentioned earlier and so I didn't bring it up.

One suggestion I would make if kids are present in the home (or even if their not) is to use PGP (Pretty Good Privacy)or some similar product to encrypt those files. It will mean a password to get at them but as parents we all hide all sorts of things from the kiddies...don't we?

Not that I know anything about keeping porn on a home PC...:eyes:

Zizzer

[VelmaD]

17. agree and disagree...

I agree that she should be worried about the secrecy aspect of this whole thing.

But I totally disagree with the second half of your post. Why should he have to have HER permission to look at porn on HER terms and conditions? Why should she get to set his limits? She's his wife, not his warden. Last time I checked if he was old enough to be married that meant he was a grown-up and didn't have to have anybody's permission. I think if she tried to "take control" all she's going to end up with is a husband who resents the hell out of her.

If she likes porn then maybe she should make the effort to watch it with him. I'm not sure on that one - part of me thinks if he wanted to share it he would and she should butt the hell out. Unless he insists on her telling him everything then she should give him some room to have his own private space. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to share absolutely everything.

Again, just my opinion, your milage may vary.

Velma

[ACK]

20. I agree on the butt-out part

The mere idea of watching porn with the wife has embarassing aspects all their own. Not the least of which is the fact that some men are ashamed of the fact that they masturbate or at least they are afraid to admit to their wives. Why some men are like this is beyond me. Some men are also afraid to admit some of their own kinks like bondage flicks or role-playing vids or whatever. They might like masturbating to things but might not like their wife to think that is what they want in bed.

Also, there is the power issue. This is something that they do in their own private alone time and some guys just like that self-absorbed moment of masturbating while looking at a flick of other people having sex. Here comes the wife and she can't leave it be. She has to be part of everything including this private time. It would drive men nuts.

I am a guy and when my wife and kids go to bed occasionally (maybe once a week) I will go and look at some porn on the computer. It is not because I wanted to cheat or find myself unsatisfied with my wife. I like looking at naked bottoms as a Brit I know once put it. I like watching people have sex. Why? The naked human form and the act of sex is beautiful. Yes, it is also a major turn on.

[zizzer]

21. OK, I see what your saying...but

I am realy only suggesting this as a one time thing. If they both enjoy it or get something out of it they either will or won't continue with it.

The fact that there was secracy involved needs to be addressed. That breach needs mending and to take control of the situation and to turn the tables is a great way to do it.

Please, don't think that I am suggesting that anyone should control all aspects of such a thing just long term or for ever. To insist on being there is as wrong as suggesting one can't do it. This is more suggested as an experiment. A farely safe and benign experiment at that. And one they both (and you the viewer) could enjoy at home.

ZIzzer

[geebensis]

19. You're Kidding, Right?

"By taking control of the situation you turn the tables. No more hiding. No more lies. YOU give permission on YOUR terms and with YOUR conditions. Now, you are in control of the situation. You are the one who sets the limits, YOU are the one who says continue or stop."

How would you like it if someone else tried to control your fantasies, your libido, or your reading material?

Frankly, that's Dr. Laura advice. No thanks.

Why would anyone even WANT to attempt to exert that much control over someone else?


mm

[zizzer]

23. WOW...You don't know me very well to ...

compare me to Dr. Laura. I'm gonna have to retell this to some of my friends. They'll a kick out of that.

I've already covered the "one time experiment" aspect that seems to have slipped by folks. So, I'm not gonna go over that again, see the other posts.

As far as the control issues, again as a one time sort of thing or experiment, gives this woman the control in THAT situation. A few things that we KNOW. She has watched porn with him before, no stretch in doing so again. We KNOW that in some ways she "get's off" on it, no stretch there. We KNOW that she has been decieved and a good way to deal with people who decieve you, both as a way to protect yourself in the future and to help deal with the feelings at hand is to take back that control. Even if it is simply as an evening spent together doing what married people do...with a plan. Nothing more.

These things are offered as a suggestion only, YMMV.

Zizer

[geebensis]

29. Hope I didn't offend...

And I doubt you're anything like Dr. Laura. Nobody like Dr. Laura could read a site like this without getting so worked up in a righteous tizzy that her head explodes...

For the record, I think the best advice on the whole matter is to understand that a man's fantasy life has absolutely nothing to do with his partner. It has nothing to do with her looks, personality, hair color, level of satisfaction, frequency of sex, or anything else. It's fantasy, and porn is handy when a guy can't be arsed to work up a prop-free daydream.

Trying to make it a mutually satisfying experience kind of misses the whole point of a private little fantasy.

Lot's of people here have already said the same thing far more eloquently than I can. So I'll shut up about it.

mm

[zizzer]

31. Offended...

Hell no! I thought it was funny!

I was just at lunch thinking about Dr. Laura reading some of this and chuckiling...yes, her head would explode. The question now is how can we arrange this?

The problem here, as I see it, isn't the porn but the lies. As far as that goes, yeah, this woman and anyone has a right to demand of their partner an explanation and total disclosure. I will not back down from that at all, ever.

Is my suggestion appropraite for her or anyone, who knows? It was after all only a suggestion...

Zizzer

[amazona]

26. I can't agree with this

While your suggestion is well intentioned, I think it is incredibly invasive. Porn and masturbation are very private matters and do not always need to be shared with one's partner. I am a woman, and I would be upset if my partner expected to be there "controlling" the situation when I felt like a quickie all by myself.

Imagine if you addressed these lines to a man: "No more hiding. No more lies. YOU give permission on YOUR terms and with YOUR conditions. Now, you are in control of the situation. You are the one who sets the limits, YOU are the one who says continue or stop."

Can't you see how creepy and controlling this could turn out to be?

I do not want my enjoyment of masturbation or porn "controlled," nor do I wish to put myself in the position of "controlling" another's private pleasures. There are many, many times when my partner and I can enjoy being naughty together, but sometimes there is no substitute for a private moment with oneself.

I think that if she gets involved with trying to "control" her husband's use of porn -- giving him "permission" to use it where and when she likes -- then she is just making herself into a mommy instead of a lover. And that's creepy.

I would just ignore the porn if I didn't want it in my life. And, if my body issues were severe, I would try to address that. You can change yourself and your own mind. You are going to be less successful if you decide instead to try to change somebody else.

People do need some privacy -- some "hiding" or "secrecy" if you will. Space to breathe. Space to indulge in fantasy that doesn't have to be acted on, just enjoyed and then forgotten. It isn't about one's partner, it is about time and privacy to be in one's own head and body with total focus on the self.

Just my two cents.

On Edit: I just read the follow-ups to some other posts and realized you already addressed these concerns. Thanks!

[zizzer]

30. we're talking about control over...

the lies and the situation not the porn itself.

I fear that a lot of folks have missed the point of the whole excersize.

As far if this is good advice or not I would leave that to the discretion of the people involved.

Again, YMMV.

Zizzer

[carolinayellowdog]

24. The feeling of rejection is mutual

Women with anti-porn jealousy convey the message that male sexuality is the most dirty, disgusting thing on earth and the only reason they will put up with such vile creatures is for security-- emotional, financial, etc. No wonder men feel they have to sneak off to be their vile, disgusting true selves! IMO the appeal of porn has to do with the *attitude* of the women in it-- totally accepting, enthusiastic, welcoming, uninhibited-- more than with the larger-than-life physical attributes of the performers.

FWIW a gay guy's reading of the problem.

[KCDem]

45. no

It's not that they feel that male sexuality is dirty and disgusting. It's that when men start to feed their porn to the point that it alienates and excludes the family, well, you hopefully can see why a wife would get annoyed. If porn isn't affecting me... whack away, be my guest. But if I have to worry that my child might walk in on that, or that my child might find kinky sex toys, or that my husband is constantly looking at other women's asses and lusting after THEM, then there is a problem.

Porn outside of a relationship is not a problem for me. But, once it destroys one, it is.

[VelmaD]

46. news flash...

odds are your husband is looking at other women's asses and lusting after them. But, as far as I'm concerned that's ok. He gets brownie points for making the conscious choice not to do anything about it.

I was with my last serious boyfriend for 10 years. I loved him dearly. We had a satisfactory sex life. It didn't stop me from lusting after other guys. Or watching and reading porn. Same with the guy I'm doing now.

It's just sex people. I agree that when it becomes such a big part of your life that it excludes other people then you have a problem, but that is true of any habit, not just porn.

-V-

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

25. In all matters that MAY involve ADDICTION one needs to distinguish

I am not commenting on your post per se but on what drives the desire for porn.

If one looks at porn or uses it as a stimulation, no big deal. Aphrodesiacs abound and can be useful ( especially for women when they are perimenopuasal)

However, the secretiveness can be:
A) him asserting his own space
B) him hiding a sickness

Compare it to anything else..one can gamble now and then and not have a problem. One can drink now and then and nt have a problem.
But an obsession is an obsession no matter the form.


Therefore, whether you view it together or apart, whether he wants the privacy to enjoy it on his own or whatever may be the case, the distinction that needs to be made is: IS IT A SIMPLE FORM OF TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT ENTERTAINMENT? or IS IT AN OBSESSION AND A SICKNESS?

[ACK]

32. Very good point

There is a difference between once every couple of months renting a porn tape, watching it etc and having a huge collection of porn.

There is a difference between once a week or so sitting up late looking at 'net porn and having pay accounts all over the web or looking at this stuff all of the time.

Obsession bad. Occasionaly visuals to masturbate by normal.

[Droopy]

27. I don't think your hubby's obsession with porn is natural

I'm a single abstinent guy and I very rarely look at porn.

I think you two should see a counseler about this. Given that he has the real thing and you say you have a good sex life, I think something is wrong with him- not you. Also the fact that he knows how it makes you feel and he still can't stay away from porn tells me there's something amiss.

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

28. Rene Moon, did you happen to see

what I wrote in Chilly's thread? Because I think it sort of ties up some of the posts in here. Maybe I didn't explain my point that well, but it was basically - if your sex life is good, allow him to have his own space and time to do what he prefers on his own and think about exploring porn and other things from your own point of view. They have places that sell to women's preferences.

Rather than trying to control his actions, maybe think about expanding into what you like and inviting him at your choice and his choice. Avoiding the control and letting him have his own space, but taking intiative to meet your own desires and meeting together in the middle.

Also, you are not psycho to have issues about looks. It is society that is psycho. You can take steps to appreciate yourself and body for the way it is. Being sexually attractive has nothing to do with looking perfect and everything to do with being the person that you are and enjoying the life you have. I think most men don't expect their wives to look like movie stars or porn queens. And find the natural look more sexy.

[Kolesar]

33. That we all should have such problems (!)

I have relatives who are physically disabled, learning impaired, paranoid and suicidal. Your problems could be worse. I think your marriage will survive.

Secrets can be damaging to a relationship, but I think there is a wide gulf between dangerous lies and a deceit that he keeps to cover a weakness in his personality. I mean, he is not Ghengis Khan, is he? Give him some room.

[davsand]

34. Different Strokes...

...forgive the expression, but it really IS appropriate to what I'm about to say.

I'm an old married lady, and I really don't see a problem with the spousal unit looking at porn. If mental fantasy isn't enough to spark his interest every time, then why object to him sitting at the computer looking at some women who probably got payed to pose?

I've always viewed it that he was home and safe and he wasn't out whoring around or drinking... Looking sure doesn't pose as much danger as chasing (and maybe) catching something new! Plus he STILL crawls in MY bed when he's done looking.

He is a sexual being completely separate from you. He and you both came into the relationship with identities, and if porn once in a while is part of his make up, then be happy he has a sex drive and is exercising it.

I don't mean to simplify, nor do I mean to demean your feelings. They are your feelings, and you are entitled to have them. I just wanted to post an alternate view for your consideration.

Pax to you!

Laura

[TrogL]

35. You forgot blisters

Need to keep those calluses under control

[rene moon]

38. Thanks for your posts everyone

I know that human sexuality is normal and healthy but I still can't help but feel inadquate. My husband is a great guy who loves me alot.
I guess I should just give him his private time and try not to be bother by the pictures of beautiful women.

But seriously, I often wonder why people get married if all we do is look and ant other people. Sometimes I think I would be better off alone, then other times I don't.

Sorry to ramble but I am depressed and have been for sometime. I don't have any money to talk to a professional and that is why i laid it on the line here.

Again, thanks for your thoughts

[VelmaD]

39. there are help centers...

that will work with you on payment...use a sliding scale for fees...that sort of thing. If you're depressed and you know you are, please try to seek help. Left untreated depression will poison everything good in your life and we'd all hate to lose you.

-V-

[SpaceCatMeetsMars]

42. I agree, we are well-intentioned with our advice, but we are still

basically a bunch of office-cooler gabbers here, and can't know your situation. You deserve the chance to pursue happiness and health, so it's worth looking up where you might go to find some more helpful and professional advice.

[KCDem]

43. whoever thinks that porn isn't damaging to relationships is deluded

Those of you who think porn is innocent, answer me this:

Would you want your daughter to be married to a porn addict?

Would you want your SIL to spend $ on feeding his addiction, rather than using it to buy your grandkids swim lessons/diapers/daycare?

Would you want your daughter to not orgasm for months on end because she realized that she wasn't "enough" for SIL?

Would you want for her to fall into such a depression that she felt worse than she ever has because this person she pledged herself to has brought another woman, albeit one just in his brain, into the sanctity of the bedroom? For her to obsess about where he's been/what he's been doing/what websites he's visited/whether or not he's actually physically been with another woman, to the point that she gets herself periodically checked for STDs just in case?

Porn in NO way can be compared to a woman watching a love movie, because porn is NOT about love. It is about making women 2-dimensional beings. I can't believe that any feminist would NOT be horrified to find her husband/SO using this kind of material. I don't care if single men use porn. But if married men do, then they should expect it not to come as a surprise if they find themselves single again.

[VelmaD]

44. there's a difference...

between a healthy interest in sex and an addiction to porn. I wouldn't want your daughter married to someone who was addicted to anything, be it porn, drugs, or pro football.

If she's not orgasming from sex with her husband, well, there are other means of stimulation.

If she's obsessed and depressed then it sounds like she's got issues and problems above and beyond whether her husband looks at porn. She might want to work on those and get to the real root cause rather than blaming the porn as an easy out. If she forces her hubby to give up porn she'll still have the underlying problem plus a husband who resents her.

Porn is not always about making women into 2 dimensional beings. Some porn is, but not all. There's been a bit of a boom in porn produced by and for women.

And what exactly is the difference between women watching love movies and maybe getting unrealistic expectation of their lovers and men watching porn and maybe getting unrealistic expectations?

Oh, and if you object of feminist grounds then why is porn ok for single men? That makes no sense to me. I am about as feminist as you're ever going to meet and I don't care that the guy I'm doing likes porn. I like porn.

I'm rambling but I've got a lot to say on this.

-V-

[KCDem]

48. hey, sounds like you've got a 2-sided relationship

That's nice. Not everyone does.

[BritishHuman]

49. That's quite a generalisation

From two (?) incidents in your own circle.

There is a great deal of difference between looking at porn and being addicted to porn, just as with any other addictive substance. I know any number of relationships which are not troubled by the man viewing porn occasionally, picture or movie.

In no way do I wish to belittle the seriousness of your own experience, but you're conflating two different scenarios. The addict is suffering from a dependency just as surely as an alcoholic, but should not be confused with the occasional user any more than the alcoholic should.

[VelmaD]

52. plus there's the issue...

of who decides what is "looking at porn"and what is "an addiction". Is it the woman who thinks all porn is bad or threatening or whatever who gets to decide that? I think there's probably a big difference between what some men consider a healthy interest in porn and what some women would say on the subject and frankly, as much of a feminist as I am, I don't think women have the right to make a unilateral judgement on this.

We've wandered off into the topic of addiction and that's a little concerning to me because I think it's really easy for someone who feels threatened by their spouses interest in porn to just call it an addiction. Sometimes men just want something to jack off to. And yes, sometimes men go looking for porn because there's something they aren't getting at home. Ya know what, that ain't addiction either. Blaming the porn doesn't fix the underlying problem and it lets both parties abrogate any responsibility for it.

[BritishHuman]

53. One of my theories...

Is that because society labels porn as "sleazy", and paying for any sort of sexual gratification as "bad" - it gains an excitement, a cachét, out of all proportion. Buying it is wicked, looking at it is sinful - that makes it exciting.

Kind of like the "bad girl" attraction.

[MiltonLeBerle]

50. It sounds like the daughter needs some therapy

Someone must have raised her to have some serious issues in regard to sex and sexuality.

[FlaGranny]

55. Fantasy is a big part of sex for

men AND women. You can't control the mind of your sex partner in the bedroom. I have been married to the same man for 35 years and this man has always enjoyed porn. It has never harmed our relationship. If he sees something that he findings particularly interesting, he might even show it to me. I have never, ever felt threatened by it. I have complete trust in him. He's always been a hard worker and he always spends his time off with me. He even asks me to go to the store with him. It might be a different story if he spent every spare moment with porn, and in that case, there WOULD be a problem. But a few minutes a day or once or twice a week? Men like to look and sometimes I do too.

[MiltonLeBerle]

47. By looking at porn, men accumulate a large stockpile of visual images-

that way, we can visualize what just about any woman looks like naked.

why are women threatened by 2-dimensional images? are you afraid that your husband is going to run off with a photograph?

[LadeJarl]

51. It's also about what you can't

get at home. This has not been mentioned anywhere.

A lot of men uses porn because it shows things they would like to do, but which their partner is appalled by or find dirty, immoral, nasty, you name it. I'm not saying that is the case here since i don't know you or your husband.

Don't confront him, but talk rather than anything else about what it is that triggers his interest, ask if it is something he would like but that he doesn't get at home. Don't push him on it, but talk about it over an extended period of time, he may not come clean with you immediatly. But don't make him feel guilty. If your realtionship is good enough, he'll eventually come clean.

[VelmaD]

54. this is important

I can't tell you how many marriages I've seen break up over incompatible sexual expectations. Ask your husband if there's something he wants that he isn't getting. And if the answer doesn't immediately sound like something you want to do at least think about it. The resentment from being told that what you want is "dirty" and that you shouldn't want it will drive someone away fast.

It works the other way too. If there's something you want - ask for it. If he flat out refuses without even giving it some thought then that tells you something about your spouse.

-V-

[geniph]

56. The porn doesn't even sound like the issue to me

What sounds like the issue to me is your own insecurity and lack of self-esteem. You say you "feel as if you're the ugliest woman on earth." That is a problem, and you will always have issues with jealousy and envy until you can view yourself more realistically.

Your husband is probably hiding it from you because you get so upset about it. My husband doesn't like me looking over his shoulder when he's doing his web surfing for porn because it annoys him if I ridicule how lame so much of it is (and it is lame, he admits that, but keeps looking for that one great picture in amongst the clinical closeups of genitalia).

Getting upset about it is going to happen until you deal with the reasons you feel insecure. If you felt perfectly secure in your relationship and with your own appeal, porn would be a total non-issue. It's a total non-issue to me. My husband can look at whatever he likes. I reserve the same right for myself.

Changing your clothes, hair, and other outward manifestations of yourself isn't going to do a damn thing about the problem. What you have to deal with is between your ears.